When you meet someone, after,
"What do you do?" you're out of
things to say. You suck at small talk,
and those first five minutes are tough
because you're a little shy and a little
insecure.
But you want to make a good
impression. You want people to
genuinely like you.
Here's how remarkably likeable
people do it:

1) They lose the power pose.
I know: Your parents taught you to
stand tall, square your shoulders,
stride purposefully forward, drop
your voice a couple of registers, and
shake hands with a firm grip.
It's great to display nonverbal self-
confidence, but go too far and it
seems like you're trying to establish
your importance. That makes the
"meeting" seem like it's more about
you than it is the other person--and
no one likes that.
No matter how big a deal you are
you pale in comparison to say, oh,
Nelson Mandela. So take a cue from
him. Watch how he greets Bill
Clinton, no slouch at this either.
Clinton takes a step forward
(avoiding the "you must come to me"
power move); Mandela steps forward
with a smile and bends slightly
forward as if, ever so slightly, to bow
(a clear sign of deference and respect
in nearly every culture); Clinton does
the same. What you have are two
important people who put aside all
sense of self-importance or status.

2) They're genuine.
Next time you meet someone, relax,
step forward, tilt your head towards
them slightly, smile, and show that
you're the one who is honored by
the introduction--not them.
We all like people who like us. If I
show you I'm genuinely happy to
meet you, you'll instantly start to like
me. (And you'll show that you do,
which will help calm my nerves and
let me be myself

3) They embrace the power of touch.
Nonsexual touch can be very
powerful. (Yes, I'm aware that sexual
touch can be powerful too.) Touch
can influence behavior, increase the
chances of compliance, make the
person doing the touching seem
more attractive and friendly.
Go easy, of course: Pat the other
person lightly on the upper arm or
shoulder. Make it casual and
nonthreatening.
Check out Clinton's right-hand-
shakes-hands-left-hand-touches-
Mandela's-forearm-a-second-later
handshake in the link above and tell
me, combined with his posture and
smile, that it doesn't come across as
genuine and sincere.
Think the same won't work for you?
Try this: The next time you walk up
behind a person you know, touch
them lightly on the shoulder as you
go by. I guarantee you'll feel like a
more genuine greeting was
exchanged.
Touch breaks down natural barriers
and decreases the real and perceived
distance between you and the other
person--a key component in liking
and in being liked.

4) They whip out their social jiu-jitsu.
You meet someone. You talk for 15
minutes. You walk away thinking,
"Wow, we just had a great
conversation. She is awesome."
Then, when you think about it later,
you realize you didn't learn a thing
about the other person.
Remarkably likeable people are
masters at Social Jiu-Jitsu, the ancient
art of getting you to talk about
yourself without you ever knowing it
happened. SJJ masters are fascinated
by every step you took in creating a
particularly clever pivot table, by
every decision you made when you
transformed a 200-slide PowerPoint
into a TED Talk-worthy presentation,
if you do say so yourself...
SJJ masters use their interest, their
politeness, and their social graces to
cast an immediate spell on you.
And you like them for it.
Social jiu-jitsu is easy. Just ask the
right questions. Stay open-ended
and allow room for description and
introspection. Ask how, or why, or
who.
As soon as you learn a little about
someone, ask how they did it. Or
why they did it. Or what they liked
about it, or what they learned from it,
or what you should do if you're in a
similar situation.
No one gets too much recognition.
Asking the right questions implicitly
shows you respect another person's
opinion--and, by extension, the
person.
We all like people who respect us, if
only because it shows they display
great judgment.

5) They whip out something genuine.
Everyone is better than you at
something. (Yes, that's true even for
you.) Let them be better than you.
Too many people when they first
meet engage in some form of penis-
measuring contest. Crude reference
but one that instantly calls to mind a
time you saw two alpha male master-
of-the business-universe types whip
out their figurative rulers. (Not
literally, of course. I hope you haven't
seen that.)
Don't try to win the "getting to know
someone" competition. Try to lose.
Be complimentary. Be impressed.
Admit a failing or a weakness.
You don't have to disclose your
darkest secrets. If the other person
says, "We just purchased a larger
facility," say, "That's awesome. I have
to admit I'm jealous. We've wanted to
move for a couple years but haven't
been able to put together the
financing. How did you pull it off?"
Don't be afraid to show a little
vulnerability. People may be
(momentarily) impressed by the
artificial, but people sincerely like the
genuine.
Be the real you. People will like the
real you.
They ask for nothing.
You know the moment: You're
having a great conversation, you're
finding things in common... and then
bam! Someone plays the networking
card.
And everything about your
interaction changes.
Put away the hard-charging, goal-
oriented, always-on kinda persona. If
you have to ask for something, find a
way to help the other person, then
ask if you can.
Remarkably likeable people focus on
what they can do for you--not for
themselves.

6) They "close" genuinely.
"Nice to meet you," you say, nodding
once as you part. That's the standard
move, one that is instantly
forgettable.
Instead go back to the beginning.
Shake hands again. Use your free
hand to gently touch the other
person's forearm or shoulder. Say, "I
am really glad I met you." Or say,
"You know, I really enjoyed talking
with you." Smile: Not that insincere
salesperson smile that goes with,
"Have a nice day!" but a genuine,
appreciative smile.
Making a great first impression is
important, but so is making a great
last impression.
And they accept it isn't easy.
All this sounds simple, right? It is. But
it's not easy, especially if you're shy.
The standard, power pose, "Hello,
how are you, good to meet you,
good seeing you," shuffle feels a lot
safer.
But it won't make people like you.
So accept it's hard. Accept that being
a little more deferential, a little more
genuine, a little more complimentary
and a little more vulnerable means
putting yourself out there. Accept
that at first it will feel risky.
But don't worry: When you help
people feel a little better about
themselves--which is reason
enough--they'll like you for it.
And you'll like yourself a little more,
too.

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