> They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
> It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast:
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two
> judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I
> accepted.
>
> " Here are the scorecards from the event:
> CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge #3 (Frank): Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
> hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
> the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting to
> look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
> no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
> Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
> Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
> CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
> spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
>

LMAO.that was freaking hilarious.
Good job Odeku.