Hello All

I finally left the house on 01 January 2013.People please read my story and learn. Even if you suspect foul play on the wedding day, please quit and save yourself the headache rather than struggling to make things work. If you are a lady and you have a brother who is too nice or a Jelly fish(like I was),please watch his back so he would not end up falling into wrong hands. I was in love, will I say I was a fool or so? I think its the fear of God.

It’s been close to a year and 3months since I last commented on this issue, not because it died down in November 2011 or I got solution then but I chose to live with it as my cross. A lot of things came to play which to an ordinary eye would seem impossible. Whilst I would have loved to mention those things here, I choose not to. For those who did not read my story in 2010, let me do a quick flashback.

My wife and I started as friends at the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife and after we left school we met agian in Abuja where i had to accommodate her thinking one good turn deserves another. One thing led to the other and we became intimate, she wanted to know the plans I had for her. It was as if she proposed . Within 2 months she asked that I come to meet her people so we could fix a date for introduction which we did exactly after 4 months. I was gullible, I thought I had seen a lady free of charge because I didn't have a girlfriend and, had kept myself from ladies for close to 2 years( I didn't have sex
).

Her attitudes became worrisome in the fifth month.Initially we used to kiss for long and make love well but she changed 2 months before our wedding.I ignored all warning signs from her thinking she would change after the wedding(People would say I should have ran,thinking its that easy,especially where an extra terrestial transaction was in force).I even recall her saying she would call the wedding plans quit because I told her I was expecting some money for the remaining things we needed to buy(a month to the wedding.We married in the seventh month(meaning we courted or dated whatever for six months).

My wife became a different person entirely almost immediately after we got married and I developed thick skin (after it appeared as if sex which was one of the earliest warning signals was a mode of punishment).I could stay for 2 months or 3 months without having sex.It could be just once or twice in 2 months.She would tell me she never intended to get married but for her Mum who pleaded with her to get a man whom she would marry and that she never had the intention of marrying.In 2011 December when the issue became so intensed,I resorted to fasting and prayers and I began to see things(please don't think its a joke).My people its more of a spiritual warfare than physical battle.The long and short of it is that I had to leave the house I paid for,I abandoned the 2004 model Nissan Jeep I acquired in May 2012 and every other things to save my dear life.I liKe to remind those who read the story initially that my first toyota jeep was being used by her and,when it started having faults she left it for me which I sold and got a facility to buy another one.

I loved her to a fault that Inspite of all her shortcomings,I handed the new Nissan's key over to her when I bought it in May/June 2012.We had just one car and were living inside University of Abuja staff quarters.Her office is around Airport road while i work in Maitam.I choosed to go by public transport so she could drive the Jeep and drop my son-off at school.What an experience!I remember she called me sometimes in August 2012 on a Monday morning that I should come and pick my Jeep on the road because according to her,I deliberately exhausted the fuel in the Jeep on Sunday evening didnt fill it as a result of which the fuel finished in the morning on her way and the Jeep stopped(truth is I didn't have a dime one me and I needed to go to town to source for money to enable me go to work next day).We had an agreement before fuel subsidy era in Jan 2012 and I give her monthly allowance for fuelling the car (though I did not review it post subsidy because I din't get a pay rise at work too).I didn't remember to say that I pay close to NGN70,000 monthly to service the facility I took for the jeep.

Whilst I would not like to appear as a saint because I have my shortcomings too,I like to state that I am a man any woman will love to live with all her life.I did not ask her to share in any of the bills,even to the last kobo I was responsible.She had refused to collect our first son's school fees from me on 2 ocassions insisting I take it to the bank myself because she said I gave her 24hours after the normal day she requested I bring it.I stooped for the marriage to work but it fell apart.I have been working for 7years with a good organisation here in Abuja and my take home pay is okay enough to save and buy land in the outskirts of Abuja but,I could not save to buy half a plot let alone one.I worked earnestly to get promotion but it eluded me for years.My colleagues(three of them) whom we earned the same salary and were given same number of task to handle got 65% raise and I got 10% in June 2012 for no reason.I handled several projects between July and December 2012 which were applauded by our mother company In Germany only for my immediate boss to get recognition and was promoted in December 2012 for 2 projects I handled successfully.

This may sound like another Nolly wood or rather an over hyped story but its true.Several events unfolded and it turned out that the woman I struggle to satisfy, in collaboration with her mother were the ones behind my predicament,at first I did not believe but my people the Bible says out of the mouth of 2 or 3 people shall the truth be established.I went as far as 7 and not 3 and if I request that they pray with me concerning my work,the next thing would be "Where is your wife and her mother"?Each time you sleep with her she drains you spiritually.

None of my people could help me, It was so bad that everyone ran for their lives, my Christian parents (that live in Gwagwalada,a stone throw to my place abandoned my house)never stopped praying that God should set me free which eventually came on 01 01 2013.My story is incomplete without thanking God Almighty for sparing my life. Currently, my 2 sons are with her, and I call to speak with them every week,I paid my son's school fees on this morning(14/01/2012),paid off our Nanny's bill(both close to NGN 200,000) and I have promised that if she maintains the 3 bedroom apartment in Kubwa,I will continue to pay and will come around to take my children out and even come to my place to spend the weekends. For me, its like the proverbial Dog that enstranged into the lion's than and escaped unhurt, then it should thank its star."

My 2013 resolution:"Shed-off all unwanted loads and travel light".Shalom.

So sorry about this.
Please don't be quick to file for divorce, seems like a huge communication gap, have you tried counseling?

I am not trying to tell you what to do just please use the period of seperation to evaluate things. The Spiritual issues you brought out am usually careful about because when Spirtual issues enter Nigerians matter dey change, reasoning can be hard.

Whatever you both decide please have a healthy environment for your kids, no hating or insulting each other or using them as pawns. Bless you for putting their welfare first, also keep a relationship with them.
Sorry about your pain. God heal you

BRB, this looks like a very interesting read.

debrief08: So sorry about this.
Please don't be quick to file for divorce, seems like a huge communication gap, have you tried counseling?

I am not trying to tell you what to do just please use the period of seperation to evaluate things. The Spiritual issues you brought out am usually careful about because when Spirtual issues enter Nigerians matter dey change, reasoning can be hard.

Whatever you both decide please have a healthy environment for your kids, no hating or insulting each other or using them as pawns. Bless you for putting their welfare first, also keep a relationship with them.
Sorry about your pain. God heal you

Thanks a lot and i really appreciate you.I discussed with her to let's ensure the kids don't get affected,as such we should be in talking terms while we stay apart.As i said,I will continue to provide for them,I don't intend to cut down on the monthly bill,I won't take her off my health insurance plans etc,etc.

Po

Poster you seem a good man.
I divorced too even though remarried but I totally understand.
I went back and read your previous thread and I cried, You really tried to make it work but it seems your wife has some unresolved issues she has to deal with.
It is had and challenging now but like all hard times it will pass.
Don't be in a hurry to start dating, Me and you know how opportunistic Abuja girls can be don't leave frying pan and jump into fire.
Please take your time and recover, mourn, reorgainse your life$
Me and you are almost the same in character, almost docile in domestic matters because we want to give our all for it to work.
Believe me you have tried.
When you have recovered and mourned I promise you God will send sunshine to your life, God will restore all the lsot years and tears.
You will even thank God that you went through this to get to the glorious state you will get to by the Grace of God.
Don't change who you are, let this not make you say "I will be wicked and show the next person who comes pepper, or even if I reconcile with my wife she will suffer"
You are not that person, draw boundaries but don't stop being kind, Loving and not the one to provoke others.
I see so much of my self in you in my first marriage.


I will put you constantly in prayers, God will restore you

I went to read your previous thread, i read that thread from A-Z and sincerely i sympathise with you for what yu are passing thru in your marriage and i can say.....you seems to be a good man, and im yet to understand why some good people fall into d hands of wicked pple, also, i dont know why a human being can be dis selfish and wicked, after all you claim to be doing for her.
However, i want to believe you are in d first phase of separation, if after a while, she behaves d same way, then, i will suggest you move on with your life, till she realise what shes doing and decided to change, life is too short to be continually living in misery. One thing that is obvious here is that she no longer love you. Put yourself together, enjoy your life, (i dont mean you start womanising o), appreciate yourself, make yourself comfortable, never write off d possibilility of coming back together again, change is permanent, she can change, do not be too hasty in looking for another woman, she may still come back to her senses, dont repeat your first mistake, be responsible to your kids, continue to be nice to d needy, but with wisdom.
May God guide you, help you and sustain you.

Interesting

dayokanu: Interesting

pls, what is interesting about this thread?

What a story,am deeply touched. I pray God will right every wrong in ur marriage and life. U seems to be a good man and hv indeed tried to make ur marriage work but the sad thing is u can't make it work without ur wife's co-operation. This life! I pray u find happiness.

Dayo is finding it "Interesting" because the Man is paying support for his kids and rent for his wife.
Dayo is looking for the best angle to turn the mans pain into a llenghty debate about Alimony and spousal support.
Heheheheheheh

debrief08: Dayo is finding it "Interesting" because the Man is paying support for his kids and rent for his wife.
Dayo is looking for the best angle to turn the mans pain into a llenghty debate about Alimony and spousal support.
Heheheheheheh

Na true oo. Im sure most women would like such. Free rent, free car, funding your lifestyle

I would have thought its impossible

dayokanu:

Na true oo. Im sure most women would like such. Free rent, free car, funding your lifestyle

I would have thought its impossible

Dayo, you learnt something brand new today. . And this OP is in Nigeria.

I guess you will call it Jazz

I don't know why NON-CHRISTIANS never have such sorry tales to share.
We take care of problems without WHINING!
Spiritual-draining?
Maybe your 'CHRISTIAN' beliefs are shrouded with fetishisms.
What you don't believe in can NEVER HARM OR AFFECT YOU.

Please, check yourself!

This may sound like another Nolly wood or rather an over hyped story but its true. Several events unfolded and it turned out that the woman I struggle to satisfy, in collaboration with her mother were the ones behind my predicament, at first I did not believe but my people the Bible says out of the mouth of 2 or 3 people shall the truth be established.I went as far as 7 and not 3 and if I request that they pray with me concerning my work,the next thing would be "Where is your wife and her mother"? Each time you sleep with her she drains you spiritually.

BULLSHYTE!
You are suffering from CLINICAL DEPRESSION. . . .
Please, GET HELP FAST!
This is not a 'religious' matter. . . but a DIRE MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
You are about to go 'coo-coo'!
YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL YOUR PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU ARE A PASSIVE CREATURE who lacks the proper coping mechanisms to STAND LIKE A MAN!

Apologies. . . and no sympathies!

Really, I think you and your wife hve issues, that has been established. You guys didn't know each other well enough before venturing into marriage. I have learned the hard way that the quickest way to spoil a friendship sometimes is when you try to turn it into a relationship. Some people are better off friends. Why? Some things friends know are better off not discussed with a sensitive spouse.

Now, the issues I have with you. Firstly, you tend to harp a lot about money and what you have done financially for your family. Try never to count favors or duties. It makes it seem pretentious. I hope you don't throw this in your wives face.
Secondly, you rely too much on prophets and pastors on your life, and all the events going on. The easiest targets are the wife and mother in law, they know what you want to hear and they tell you. So that you can become a faithful sheep bringing money. Your wife and mother in law are not responsible for your failures.

Thirdly, Try to contact your HR and find out why you are not getting the raise or the promotion you want. If your company does not value you, find a job elsewhere.

I implore you to go back to your family and you all should get on your knees and pray to God. Don't ever solicit these prophets again. I suspect you have told your parents that your wife is responsible for your failures, go and apologise. I think you need to open up to your wife and talk to her well. Tell her you need her help financially, morally and emotionally. Do not carry any burden on your own you can't sustain. She is your help mate and those kids are both yours. She's working, and willing to contribute. She seems like a woman that cares and has a good heart or side.
I think you are too engrossed in your "woe is me" story. There is more to this. What exactly is your issue with your wife? Its not too clear to me, except the sex part. Which you can let her know is this important to you. Is it cause she has told you she never wanted to get married, probably in an argument or a heat of anger? You need to let things go. Not everyone dreamed of marriage and the whole barbie thing. I didn't. I wanted to live my life and just travel. But with time, you learn that there is more to life than just YOU. She may be frustrated so she said that.
If your focus is to buy land, move your family to a cheaper accomodation and you both should save for land. Buy the land and build. Don't assume any financial responsibility that you alone cannot carry, when you are both earning an income. She can pay the kids fees, let her.
She seems like someone that loses her temper easily, and you seem like someone that takes the slightest offense at anything said. You also seem to have a long memory of wrongs done to you. We are all humans, and humans will always offend you. Sometimes you deal with it immediately, speak your mind and resolve the issue. After that, let go and let God. It is terribly annoying and frustrating to deal with people that get stuck on issues and keep whining about it.

I don't get it..ur wife drains you spiritually each time after intimacy and you same wife refuses sex until you have to beg and beg.you moved out of your house and still considering spending weekends at her's.so why did u move out @ all.I really don't know why ur wife is so sad in her marriage according to ur story.and pls help reduce ur financial stress and let her take care of some light bills don't pretend u can do all when its really pinching you somewhere.I wish your wife could come on NL so we hear her own side of the story.

Gambrosia: I don't know why NON-CHRISTIANS never have such sorry tales to share.
We take care of problems without WHINING!
Spiritual-draining?
Maybe your 'CHRISTIAN' beliefs are shrouded with fetishisms.
What you don't believe in can NEVER HARM OR AFFECT YOU.

Please, check yourself!



BULLSHYTE!
You are suffering from CLINICAL DEPRESSION. . . .
Please, GET HELP FAST!
This is not a 'religious' matter. . . but a DIRE MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
You are about to go 'coo-coo'!
YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL YOUR PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU ARE A PASSIVE CREATURE who lacks the proper coping mechanisms to STAND LIKE A MAN!

Apologies. . . and no sympathies!

Most of this is true. Getting a woman pregnant is not ABC. You achieved that at least twice and she bore you children. Now, you are claiming "she drained you spiritually" even after saying she didn't give you enough sex. Oga, with all due respect, don't be silly.

You don't always get what you think you deserve- you forget that there is what is called 'organisational politics', you are getting schemed-out of promotions by your more savvy colleagues whilst you are whining and blaming your wife.

I am not saying your wife is a saint but you have to get better yourself.

@baby_123, well said! Very simple thing, he should just ask her- 'Babe, what will it take for us to stop squabbling and move forward?'

It is amazing how a few words can make a huge difference, there is some good in every human being, OP should find the goodness in his wife.

"Be firm with love"- I like.

baby_123: Really, I think you and your wife hve issues, that has been established. You guys didn't know each other well enough before venturing into marriage. I have learned the hard way that the quickest way to spoil a friendship sometimes is when you try to turn it into a relationship. Some people are better off friends. Why? Some things friends know are better off not discussed with a sensitive spouse.

Now, the issues I have with you. Firstly, you tend to harp a lot about money and what you have done financially for your family. Try never to count favors or duties. It makes it seem pretentious. I hope you don't throw this in your wives face.
Secondly, you rely too much on prophets and pastors on your life, and all the events going on. The easiest targets are the wife and mother in law, they know what you want to hear and they tell you. So that you can become a faithful sheep bringing money. Your wife and mother in law are not responsible for your failures.

Thirdly, Try to contact your HR and find out why you are not getting the raise or the promotion you want. If your company does not value you, find a job elsewhere.

I implore you to go back to your family and you all should get on your knees and pray to God. Don't ever solicit these prophets again. I suspect you have told your parents that your wife is responsible for your failures, go and apologise. I think you need to open up to your wife and talk to her well. Tell her you need her help financially, morally and emotionally. Do not carry any burden on your own you can't sustain. She is your help mate and those kids are both yours. She's working, and willing to contribute. She seems like a woman that cares and has a good heart or side.
I think you are too engrossed in your "woe is me" story. There is more to this. What exactly is your issue with your wife? Its not too clear to me, except the sex part. Which you can let her know is this important to you. Is it cause she has told you she never wanted to get married, probably in an argument or a heat of anger? You need to let things go. Not everyone dreamed of marriage and the whole barbie thing. I didn't. I wanted to live my life and just travel. But with time, you learn that there is more to life than just YOU. She may be frustrated so she said that.
If your focus is to buy land, move your family to a cheaper accomodation and you both should save for land. Buy the land and build. Don't assume any financial responsibility that you alone cannot carry, when you are both earning an income. She can pay the kids fees, let her.
She seems like someone that loses her temper easily, and you seem like someone that takes the slightest offense at anything said. You also seem to have a long memory of wrongs done to you. We are all humans, and humans will always offend you. Sometimes you deal with it immediately, speak your mind and resolve the issue. After that, let go and let God. It is terribly annoying and frustrating to deal with people that get stuck on issues and keep whining about it.

God bless u

maclatunji: @baby_123, well said! Very simple thing, he should just ask her- 'Babe, what will it take for us to stop squabbling and move forward?'

It is amazing how a few words can make a huge difference, there is some good in every human being, OP should find the goodness in his wife.

I don't understand how people marry people they cannot talk to. You see them on NL, "How do I tell my wife/husband this?". Say what, there is nothing I cannot say. That is my lover, my conscience and my second body. If I could not be comfortable and speak my mind we can never be together. I am the type that rebels against authority. I don't like, can't stand, or live with anyone too authoritarian. I just don't get it, maybe its me. Communication does so much magic, I see a trend that most people with problems don't communicate. As in, I can only imagine how frustrated I would be.

^Thank you for saying this- I can't believe some people cannot communicate with their spouse. I don't care how mad at me you are, we are going to have a talk about it.

oladelove:

Thanks a lot and i really appreciate you.I discussed with her to let's ensure the kids don't get affected,as such we should be in talking terms while we stay apart.As i said,I will continue to provide for them,I don't intend to cut down on the monthly bill,I won't take her off my health insurance plans etc,etc.

I'm really at a loss what the main issue is here since you're economical in your piece, probably because i didn't read the earlier story...however your ability to discuss and reach an agreement with your wife, in the kids interest, tells me she is rational; which your piece earlier tried to portray otherwise.Some of the things she did, like abandoning the car on the road and asking you to come get it may not be right but not a very isolated case. Though I'm not a proponent of prophecies and so on, should you happen to have found out a malady in your wife, would it not be your responsibility to get her cured? You've taken your decision to stay away and you're happy with it as it seems, we do not know how she's taking it herself. You're still in talking terms, that's good but the best will be to solve your problem even from afar, why you'll need a divorce is not yet clear to me.

oladelove: ...In 2011 December when the issue became so intensed,I resorted to fasting and prayers and I began to see things(please don't think its a joke)...

Once i read this part i lost all interest in proffering any solution. If you like do dry fasting for God to come down from heaven and help you i don't care. I'm agnostic and I don't respect people who swap logic/rationality for religion.

Gambrosia: I don't know why NON-CHRISTIANS never have such sorry tales to share.
We take care of problems without WHINING!
Spiritual-draining?
Maybe your 'CHRISTIAN' beliefs are shrouded with fetishisms.
What you don't believe in can NEVER HARM OR AFFECT YOU.

Please, check yourself!



BULLSHYTE!
You are suffering from CLINICAL DEPRESSION. . . .
Please, GET HELP FAST!
This is not a 'religious' matter. . . but a DIRE MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
You are about to go 'coo-coo'!
YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL YOUR PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU ARE A PASSIVE CREATURE who lacks the proper coping mechanisms to STAND LIKE A MAN!

Apologies. . . and no sympathies!

maybe the thing with non-christians, when they try to solve problems with christians is that they are not even in the shoes talk less of knowin wot it is.
How will you understand spiritual drainage when u don't even pray?
OP, i'm glad u're free. bt most times, u dnt interprete things so straight. See, whether u are married of not, wen u av sexx, u get drained, esp in ur prayer life.
Second, some ladies are exactly like dt. The problem u did was not courting long enuff. The funniest thing is: the signs are already there, u bothered not to notice. I alwys look for the most invisible traces, and u can only see them in the visible. I av a brother currently datin the exact type of ur wife. av warned him, bt he bilivd she'll change.
Advice: forget the western culture, court long enuff as of the old.
And like i used to tell ppl: dnt decieve urself, marry who is right. Love doesnt ev exist.
Thank you

I don't understand how you still want us to feel sorry for you . . .
Men complain that women change AFTER marriage, yours changed BEFORE.
What exactly did your wife do to you now She never hid any of her characters, you knew who you were marrying . . . and yet you married her.
Now that you can't handle it anymore, you are quoting scriptures.
Abeg man up jor!

KINGwax: maybe the thing with non-christians, when they try to solve problems with christians is that they are not even in the shoes talk less of knowin wot it is.
How will you understand spiritual drainage when u don't even pray?
OP, i'm glad u're free. bt most times, u dnt interprete things so straight. See, whether u are married of not, wen u av sexx, u get drained, esp in ur prayer life.
Second, some ladies are exactly like dt. The problem u did was not courting long enuff. The funniest thing is: the signs are already there, u bothered not to notice. I alwys look for the most invisible traces, and u can only see them in the visible. I av a brother currently datin the exact type of ur wife. av warned him, bt he bilivd she'll change.
Advice: forget the western culture, court long enuff as of the old.
And like i used to tell ppl: dnt decieve urself, marry who is right. Love doesnt ev exist.
Thank you

I find it extremely difficult to 'tweet' your thought process.
Life is only as easy or difficult as you choose to make it.

KINGwax: maybe the thing with non-christians, when they try to solve problems with christians is that they are not even in the shoes talk less of knowin wot it is.
How will you understand spiritual drainage when u don't even pray?
OP, i'm glad u're free. bt most times, u dnt interprete things so straight. See, whether u are married of not, wen u av sexx, u get drained, esp in ur prayer life.
Second, some ladies are exactly like dt. The problem u did was not courting long enuff. The funniest thing is: the signs are already there, u bothered not to notice. I alwys look for the most invisible traces, and u can only see them in the visible. I av a brother currently datin the exact type of ur wife. av warned him, bt he bilivd she'll change.
Advice: forget the western culture, court long enuff as of the old.
And like i used to tell ppl: dnt decieve urself, marry who is right. Love doesnt ev exist.
Thank you

I find it extremely difficult to 'tweet' your thought process.
Life is only as easy or difficult as you choose to make it.