My Dearest Agbani
Darego,
Will you be my
valentine?
Do give this the
utmost consideration.
If you will be my
valentine, let me say
that I am, first, of all
men most privileged, and second, about to engage in heavy
research about what being someone’s valentine actually
entails.
If youwill not be my valentine, I must assume this is only
because you would prefer me to ask you to marry me. If so,
poste haste and with rapidity in extremis, I would, My
Sweetling, desire your hand- and as much of the rest of you
as possible -in blissful matrimony.
But wait. I traverse ahead of myself. I have not introduced
myself. Sure I have spent many hours ogling over your
Instagram photos and following you closely on Twitter, but
I have never, as it were, had the opportunity of introducing
myself.
I am The Editor.
Ah, My Lollipop, I can see your sad smile now. You are
shaking your head, wondering if I am just another one of
those men struck by your beauty and effortless grace.
Yes, it is true I am one of those men, but if I might add, I
am even more awestruck by your beauty. There is no hope
for me.
Marry me, My Cupcake.
Consider the advantages. I have discussed them below.
My Fondant, If you marry me, you will be fully
protected in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. I have
watched Walking Dead (Seasons 1 and 2), and every
zombie movie there is. I know how to finish them off
(destroy the brain), how to stay alive (Run like hell) and
how not to get slowed down by unnecessary hangers on. (I
know so much, I am in fact publishing a simple handbook
on this very subject called “Surviving The Zombie
Apocalypse” available in stores shortly. You will of course,
get a free signed copy.)
Secondly, the possibility exists that with your incredibly
beautiful genes, and my deeply rooted interests in you, our
offspring could be the very first of the race of super
intelligent and super powerful humans. I can see it now:
Junior finds the cure for cancer. His sister brings about
world peace. You and I will bask in parental pride, secure
in the knowledge that our union has benefited the world
immensely. As I said, the possibility exists.
Thirdly, You will never have to worry about me going
off to be an astronaut or being called off on some secret
government mission to topple some enemy regime. I won’t
even join the Bolivian Army. I suppose these are some of
the first things you worry about when you a potential suitor
approaches. Rest your lovely head at ease, My Peppermint
stick, I will do none of these things.
Have you seen Les Miserables yet? I’m only asking because
I haven’t and everyone is going on and on about it.
My Sweetest Sugarplum, I know we have a lot to figure
out, but let us ignore the little details of whether you love
me or whether you want to get married at all or whether
you will be able to stand me. You must believe me when I
say those are minor details. Why, Presiden
Say you will be my valentine, that is all I ask.
And if you cannot grant that, grant me your personage in
marriage.
And if that proves impossible, could I please have your
phone number, house address and your word that you will
never ever ever take out a restraining order against me?
Thank you, My Strawberry Tart.
Yours Infinitely,

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