Dear friends in the house, kindly help me out. I instructed a Lawyer to file divorce for me last month but instead he asked people to plead with me, my office and phone line has now been turned to another thing as a result of the number of people trying to intervene. I met my wife at the Polytechnic, Ado Ekiti in 2007. I was in my final year at UNAD then. We courted for 4 years and got married in 2011. I began to have the thought that I am getting married to the wrong person in 2008 when my fiancee started making unnecessary monetary demands. At that time, I was a youth corper. She will be asking for N10k at a time my total monthly allowee was just N15k. I complained about the habit and she apologised. She later started using style to use her younger sister at FUTA to ask for money, recharge cards and other things which may not really br bad if I were to be working with good pay at that time. I discussed ot with her and she said she is not sure I can really shoulder the responsibilities of marrying her. I wanted to use style to end the relationship but she started begging and sending people to me especially my pastor's wife. She claimed to be testing me. I tried my best for her financially but I knew she wasn't satisfied. After NYSC in 2009, I started teaching in a private school with a pay of N18k , it was complaints all the way, she went for service that year, she finished in 2010. I sat her down to discuss the issues of our life together, she apologized for her past behaviour and promised to get things right. She actually changed and I was impressed. She got a job with a private firm with 40k per month, I was able to secure a job through the father of one of the students I coached for SSCE and JAMB in a private firm 3 months after her own, my pay was then 100k. We started planning for marriage. I was able to get a 2 bedroom for 150k a year, bought an old1996 volkwagen passat from the man who helped me secure the job for 200k, with this I thought marriage should be the next thing. I saved some money and secured a loan from my office coop society, making a total of 550k. I discussed with my fiancee all along. We did introduction, and we later fixed our wedding for December 2011. I asked for engagement list, she brought a list totalling 480k, I became confused, this is someone who knows my financial stand. I told her to plead with her family, she flared up, asking if I thought she was less than human since more than that were spent on some of her friends who had gotten married ealier. I pleaded with her that things will get better, she refused to listen to me, I told to let's postpone the whole thing to 2012. She later came begging again using my pastor's wife, I agreed again, my pastor and his wife sat her down and taught her a lot of things about marriage. We went for the wedding as scheduled for Dec 2011. During our wedding, I saw the other side of her family, I had to hurriedly asked my Aunty to organise food and drinks for my guests, thank God for the little money I left in the bank and gifts from my boss, my office and few friends and relations. They made sure that the food and drinks which I paid for never get to my guests, but my dutiful and experienced Aunty saved the day for me by the grace of God. wedding over, I discussed all these with her and she begged and blamed the devil as usual. That was the beginning of my ordeal in the hands of Biola, the lady that I loved and her family. The father called me and told me how I embarrassed him by initially postponing the wedding, I apologized. He made a list of demands from I and my wife, I tried to explain things to him without success, he told me that his daughter is an investment from which he must make profit, I was shocked at some of the things he said. I discussed with my wife, she took side with her father saying het family is our responsibility. That is not bad if we have the resourses but with 100k (now 130k) per month, their demands will be difficult to meet. Our marriage is now 17 months, it has been one argument or the other. In 17 months, mu wife has never missed her mensural period for once not to talk of being pregnant, that is not an issue as long as her family's demand are met. I have been spending heavily on fertility tests since we clocked 6 months in marriage, I decided to stop it last march. Her father continues to threathen fire and brimstone each time his financial needs are not met, she become sentimental each time I pick up issues with her saying I am "maltreating" her because she has not conceived. Her father has never been bothered by this issue for once, only her mum shows concern once in a while.
Since march, my doctor has been asking me why I should have high blood pressure at 33. Biola's father's demand could sometimes be so ridiculous, I have stopped any form of financial contribution to them since November 2012. The fire has increased in intensity since then. Our foodstuff which we buy in bulk will disappear in 2weeks, but since march, I have said enough is enough, worked my transfer to our Benin office from Ibadan without her knowledge, abandoned her in Ibadan and finally asked a lawyer to institute divorce against her in april. It is this lawyer who is wasting time now telling me that things are not that bad, that we can make up things, I am not ready for all these, he has involved so many people in pleading with me while my former pastor and his wife who knew us from the beginning are insisting we can't go our separate ways. Dear Nairalanders, this is my heart I am pouring out to the public, what should I do, unfortunately and unbelivrably, Biola's father continues to tell everyone that cares to listen that his demands from me are legitimate, what do you advise, thanks so much.

Forget the father's demands. Put your foot on the ground that you cant support the father anymore. Sit her down to talk, i dont think divorce is the next option, unless you are saying you dont love her anymore because of the pregnancy problems. You can still make up without the pop intervening. Dont abandon her since you got married legitimately.

Nigerian so-called professionals should learn to be professional. If i contact you as a lawyer to file my dicvorce papers, i expect you to shut up and do what i asked instead ocf trying to intervene.

I'm surprised this is coming from the sw. often times u find stuffs like this associated with the igbos. my dear, like u've been advised things have not gone out of hands.if u r Christian u'll know that the only time u can divorce ur wife is when she commits adultery. I pray God gives u a better job dat will help u provide for ur immediate family, extended n inlaws also to miscellaneous. You need to sit ur wife down and talk to her let her know u'v had enough n she shld talk to her dad. she can b using her own salary to fend for them while yours can b used for you n her pending when the kids starts coming. On the issue of conceiving, it is God that gives children. at the right time he'll make everything beautiful. pray to God n let him fulfill his promises in d bible concerning marriage.

As far as I'm concerned OP, you are on the right track. Very smart move on your part to get the transfer. Free yourself from this family of leeches. Let her go and find her moneybag somewhere else.

ileobatojo: As far as I'm concerned OP, you are on the right track. Very smart move on your part to get the transfer. Free yourself from this family of leeches. Let her go and find her moneybag somewhere else.

Seconded! Like..wth?


OP, you've tried sef. 17months of parasitic infections. I can imagine. Since the day of your marriage to just one lady you've been giving out money like you married a woman no-one else has married? One woman? Even those with numerous wives haven't even spent that much. Nah nah nah! No freaking way.
I think you should give that lawyer of yours a stern warning on what he did. He's supposed to a be a lawyer, not some pastor or some "baba-agba" settling disputes. Get another lawyer if possible.

The lady and family wants to turn you to a beggar leaving you with nothing. Thank God you came out of this $hit on time and alive.

You made the biggest mistake by marrying her with the uncertainties around. Every of your arguement had a 3rd party involvd b4 it wud b settled. That should have told you both of you were not mature enough to live together.
As to the issue now, get another lawyer who does not have any other link to you. Apparently, the current lawyer knows your family too well

Get a new lawyer. And please be sure to tell the father that he is a man like you. If he needs something, he should go and work for it. As for the daughter, please flee. Get someone else who is working and responsible. Someone whom her family members are all doing something for themselves and who will not demand except YOU give freely. Don't listen to pastor and wife abeg, that is how they encourage to many to die in a miserable marriage. You are lucky you have no kids yet. Otherwise, your grave will have been dug already. Forget that lady and get a divorce. Such people never change. And when they wreck you, they will move to someone else. She has been raised by a greedy and covetous father, she cannot understand what it means to be content. As you make more, her demands will increase.

Poster, is your wife and most importantly her family also pleading with you? If they are, then good. Let them sweat a bit and after that call a family meeting and put a stop to the leeching once and for all.

From your post you seem to be a man easily pressurised and with a wife heavily influenced by her father makes an interesting combination!

Poster, once you are back together, man up when it comes to finances, let your no be no and yes be yes.

Give it another go, don't divorce her

Afam4eva: Nigerian so-called professionals should learn to be professional. If i contact you as a lawyer to file my dicvorce papers, i expect you to shut up and do what i asked instead ocf trying to intervene.

nope, i disagree. Playing advisory role is part of professionalism, i think the lawyer took his tooooo far.

@op, i sympathise with you on whom and where you landed yourself, you ignored the warning signs and allowed yourself to be blinded by love. However, its never too late, you can still straighten things up if you want to, without necessarily being the first to file for divorce.

There are two major reasons why i can suggest divorce and they are..............serious and unrepented cheating and physical abuse. Your own case shouldnt lead to divorce, except its from your wife.

Wisdom is profitable in all things, and the wisdom is that, dont be the one to divorce her, if you do, people might think you are not manly enough to maintain your marriage, but let people see what is happening through your wife's actions and ungratefulness.
What to do................thank God, your place of work is now far from home, so, the next time you come home, have a strong and meaningful communication with her, place her on monthly allowance, tell her how much you can afford to give her in a month, and if its not enough for her, she should augument it with her own money, afterall, shes also working. As for her parent, also place them on monthly allowance of what you can AFFORD, even if its just 5k/month, let them know that, that is what you can afford, and that if its not enough for them, they should augument it with their own money, you aint a money making machine.

And through that, if your wife and her parent is not satisfied or she feel that you aint capable of taking care of her and her parent as they wish, she can now file for divorce, which you will accept gladly. With that, it wont be that you divorce your wife on financial basis, it will be your wife divorce you, because she and father believe that you should take care of all their financial problems, and before the court can finally separate you, at least, they will hear from both of you and everyone will know that she is the one leaving you because she believe you cant satisfy her and her parents, especially her father financially enough. So that is the wisdom there, do not divorce her, let her be the one to divorce you if she want to.
May God help you, and grant you the wisdom you need in your marriage.
Shalom!

There is a saying in yorubaland: "It is better to have a bad wife, than to have bad inlaws or vice versa." A bad inlaw is doom for a marriage. Who will be able to talk to your spouse? Instead they will cause you hell. And the father is unrepentant?LOL. This is what I call lottery. Someone's father acting like this. Na wa o. The girl is not ashamed? No wonder we find a lot of Nigerian's are into fraud. See pressure.

OP, go back to your wife move her with you away from her family, but before you do that, have a proper conversation with her family and explain to them that you married their daughter because u love her not because she is an investment like her father said. I do understand the need to take care of ones family , but this is too much and greedy.and please sort out your marital issues before u and your wife try having children because it will only get more complicated

Op am tempte to ask, IS UR PEST (sorry wife) FROM IJEBU

Not joking oh!

One advice, RUN FOR YOUE LIFE!!!!!

ileobatojo: As far as I'm concerned OP, you are on the right track. Very smart move on your part to get the transfer. Free yourself from this family of leeches. Let her go and find her moneybag somewhere else.

Thirded! Like seriously

I won't come n give u long epistle advice here.

Just divorce her. A good wife knows her husband capacity and if she's only close to the kind of woman the bible described as a virtous woman. She should be able to caution her family.

Every wise woman buildeth her house but the foolish one plucketh it with her hands.

You have every reason to run now while u can. High bp at ur age

Smh on people telln him to hold on to his death.

A leopard never changes its spot. Even the yorubas say, kosi base ma se ebolo ti ko ni rungbe

There's no way u will cook that ebolo leaf that it won't smell like shyte.

Bleep I didn't want to write epistle bt ur matter pain me

baby_123: There is a saying in yorubaland: "It is better to have a bad wife, than to have bad inlaws or vice versa." A bad inlaw is doom for a marriage. Who will be able to talk to your spouse? Instead they will cause you hell. And the father is unrepentant?LOL. This is what I call lottery. Someone's father acting like this. Na wa o. The girl is not ashamed? No wonder we find a lot of Nigerian's are into fraud. See pressure.

Chop e-kiss for this ur post. U be confirm omo yoruba wey knw tradition.

This op is an atm for dem.

I bury my head in shame cos am omo ondo toh solid

Op, dont be too hasty wt d divorce proceedings.
.
Wat we need is a change in attitude of Ur wife and inlaws.
.
Take Ur hard stance. No explanations 2 her family. No begging/pleading.
.
Maybe whn d seperation drags 4 some months, they will cool down and come begging. That is whn U now set d rules everyone must follow.
.
Erm...pls dnt place her father on monthly allowance. He will view it lik salary and press 4 increment after some time. Wat U have, give.

@all, thanks so much for your concerns. Yes I blame myself for being so naive, for being too simple, for being foolish. I was carried away by love, beauty and those fake "spirituality display" by students in higher institutions. I met her during one of our inter campus fellowship programmes. When she start her problems, there are times that for 3 months, it is difficult to send anything to my old grandma, I lost my mum at 14. My aunt, a primary school teacher in Ekiti who has been so caring and who laboured so much on my education now talks to me only on phone, Biola's attitude has discouraged her from paying me visit. Can you see my ordeal? I have never done anything with a lawyer in my life, someone told me that the one I consulted is a deacon and marriage councellor in his church. As someone said along this thread, the lawyer told me it will be difficult to sail through with the divorce case since "all avenues for reconciliation has not been explored". I don't know why that should be an issue in a marriage like mine. Though I am confused at the moment, I have had enough of Biola and her family. I need a break, I am making effort to seek the opinion of another legal expert next week in Benin. Very grateful for your concerns, cheers!

solace2013: @all, thanks so much for your concerns. Yes I blame myself for being so naive, for being too simple, for being foolish. I was carried away by love, beauty and those fake "spirituality display" by students in higher institutions. I met her during one of our inter campus fellowship programmes. When she start her problems, there are times that for 3 months, it is difficult to send anything to my old grandma, I lost my mum at 14. My aunt, a primary school teacher in Ekiti who has been so caring and who laboured so much on my education now talks to me only on phone, Biola's attitude has discouraged her from paying me visit. Can you see my ordeal? I have never done anything with a lawyer in my life, someone told me that the one I consulted is a deacon and marriage councellor in his church. As someone said along this thread, the lawyer told me it will be difficult to sail through with the divorce case since "all avenues for reconciliation has not been explored". I don't know why that should be an issue in a marriage like mine. Though I am confused at the moment, I have had enough of Biola and her family. I need a break, I am making effort to seek the opinion of another legal expert next week in Benin. Very grateful for your concerns, cheers!

Like Casor, Shekinah, TAWG and the rest? Oh mehn..You didn't say this before. This set of people are sheep in wolves clothing. They tend to make you believe they are God-sent for you only for them to bring out the monsters in them when you finally setttle for them. Like ish!

Not generalising though. There are few good ones in church too as there are in the normal world. Am not athiest but a catholic, so I go to church too. This is for those guys always believing that the best girls are always the ones with their heads covered. Mere deception! They are only looking for men to devour. Sad news, isn't it?

Weell, goodluck.

Whoever read it should summarize!!!

Dear op
i havent been in your shoe so i cant really say much.from all you said, ur divorce option isnt a bad idea bit you would have to tread with caution.
your lawyer has taken more than a professional interest in your case, so fire him. get another lawyer who is ready to work in your interest

GraceBestowed:
A good woman would never have put her husband in the line of fire for anyone, not even her family!

Am impressed maaam...naa sso ooo

Dear @op,I always believed in second chance but this one,nay, run 4 ur life!she will never change nor d family.lucky u no child.
Wicked woman,all d signs were there but u overlkd them.
One thing pple can never get is u can and will never change ur spouse after marriage.only d grace of God. She is not worth d high bp.good riddance to (what will I call her?)

Are you sure your wife is in her right senses? #no offence.

Some women are fighting to keep their homes together, yours is pulling her home apart with material things that won't last forever. Smh. And her father? What kind of a man does that? Is he....?

Sorry, i don dey vex. Give her the silent treatment for a couple of months. You are too young to carry this burden. You need to be happy.

Op,I don't think divorce is the right option for now. I think the lawyer is right,you have not fully explored all other options. You vowed to be with her for better for worse,and this is the worse. I'm glad to know you are a christian. Pray,pray and pray again for her. However,stand your ground on your decision not to give anything to your father in-law,and never let her come between you and your family. This is your cross,carry it. God's grace will see you through.

abeg divorce wolves should slow down

This matter never reach divorce na

What have you done to solve the issue
Have u seen a counsellor to help you considering it seems the inlaws are the issues and once your wife is free of that bad influence she may change

Give it one year trying to see a change before u divorce

pls read other threads, your problem is small compared to those who have their wives commiting infidelity
Seems her issue is just financial

Take a deep breath, do a pro n con of ur wife
if her pros outweigh her cons then kep her but let her know u will not saddle yrelves with any more responsibility until you guys are better off

all those girls u think say dey outside dont love u, na ur money they like
your wife will do much mnore for u with that money

Its obvious your wife doesnt know the real meaning of being a wife because even the bible says a wise woman builds her home but a foolish one pulls it down.
However op i feel it shouldnt result in divorce yet. Seperation which you did by getting transfered to benin is the best. Use this time to recoup and lets see if she will get back to her right senses

All will be well

What the lawyer did was uncalled for! Its a breach of his ethics as a lawyer to report his client to another person! He can advise, plead etc but he cannot tell another person except authorized by the client!
As to divorce Na wa ooh! Becuase of your in-laws demands you wan throw away the wife? Its not easy! There are grounds for divorce but I don't see your case falling inside(mmn maybe intolerable conduct). It will be hard to get except you go to benin aπϑ stay a year apart!
Ps: if I where you I would have put the Old leech on a salary(20k monthly), and if he or his pikin asks for more, I will counter with demands from my own side! Ps what of Your Aunty? Parents? Remember in Nigeria, you don't marry a person you marry the Family. Tell them. As for the Pastor and the Wife tell them to Buzz off(seems they didn't solve your problem).
Finally, be patient with everybody and stop bringing 3rd party into your arguements! If you aπϑ your spouse have issues say it with her aπϑ put your foot down! If I buy something for a month aπϑ it lasts only 2 weeks then fine, No food be that!
Ps: your wife aπϑ her family wan kill you with demand, aπϑ you want to add pikin too? Resolve aℓℓ issues first before planning a family!

Your lawyer has acted against his ethics. Its called breech of confidentiality (his actions that is).
if you feel you want to proceed with a divorce, you can file under the grounds of "Irreconcilable differences". You are allowed to and its your right. No Judge would force anyone to remain in a relationship if they dont want to however they may recommend mediation between both parties for a few months before your divorce is granted.
What i would say to you is this, the move (relocation) is a good thing. it gives you time to stay apart, clear your head, and meditate on whats important, who is important to you and i believe its also healthy for your wife to use this time to reflect on her life likewise. I do think that if after say 1 year, you havent resolved your issues or you arent sure about your wife and family's thoughts towards you then please go ahead with the divorce.
The ladies advising you to be patient are been very untrue to themselves, how would they feel, if their husbands ignore the financial responsibilities in the home and instead spend his income on his family? No tangible savings etc, he takes the household foodstuffs and gives his relatives leaving very little for you to manage?

PS: I would advise my brother (if he was you) to file after a few months, because right now,there are no children involved, just broken hearts which heal with time and a family/wife who would learn not to allow third parties meddle into their affairs.