I have written this a million times in my head and a billion more on paper but today I write this and believe it is time you see it. Many have asked me what explains my action. Is it the money? Money? Me? Sometimes I wish it was that. Then I would have eased my financial burden with the money. Another query was does it have to do with the looks? Maybe that too would have been easier as I picked every flaw in your features, focused on it but failed to act differently.

I dreamed , oh how I wished for the "perfect scenario" and never stopped believing it will be even when everyone else stated otherwise. Was it age? I think not.
Was the feeling blind? No. The good in you was all I saw, even your parents were blind to it. How I saw it I will never be able to explain. So how could they understand it if they did not know it?

I tried oh so hard to get rid of the feeling. This is not love but then it is. Analytically, I run through the series and events and tell myself that you are good but bot for me. I could not stop the feeling. Where did my brains go? Rewind, Review, Reassess, Oh Lord I am in Enzymology class and you are still on my mind. How did I get those grades? They were A's.

Maybe if I had the tricks up my sleeve to deal with it, things would have turned out better. I was in the driver seat but didn't know it. Never had the chance to be tutored in the ways of women. How was I to know that you were the weaker sex in this play or game of life? I looked to you for direction, that was wrong and painful too.

Pain, pain , Oh for years you caused me so much pain. Even though I was forewarned it still hurt. Would it be that you be my person and I not suffer this much. Do I blame you for it? No, not now, not then and not ever. You hoped and prayed that I would lead but I never knew. Not being the traditional role for me, I just never knew.

I'm sorry, ayinba1, but I really didn't get it. You never got around to hit the hammer on the nail.

@kay9
Patience my friend,

"Series" you know.

Did life pass me by? Were all those years wasted? I may never know the answer. Of the things I am sure of, one is how I feel when I am with you. Even at the lowest ebbs, seeing you was always soothing. So where did we or I go wrong. At times I wonder if I did something very wrong to have gone through this experience and I think back to those pranks I played on my classmates in elementary and high schools. Yes, maybe I was really bad.

Bad I may have been but I am really sorry and pray for forgiveness so the question still remains how on earth I had to come accross you and could never let go.

Those times we laughed together and agreed on everything were surreal. Strange enough, we never had any quarrels until,

Oh well, surreal is the right word. that's why it did not last. Wake up call was really tough on me. I  looked up to you for some sort of encouragement but the look in your eyes said it all. "Run now before its too late".  I could not understand it even though I saw it. This is your family, how bad could it be. .You talked about your "soul" or "spirit" being troubled. I was in denial.


Denial. I say, know and accept the truth, then make a move. Before that, you are basically lost. I saw other people too. Loving, kind, gentlemanly, Oh yes, I had a whole list of criteria. I was not going to get bitten twice. Above all, no strong emotions from my end. It is not a pleasant experience to have one party plea with the other to continue a relationship. Through all these, I never stopped thinking about you, how perfect it was and believing it could be again. Some miracle, or magic.

Not once did I give you the impression that I could even feel for anyone else. Maybe I should have done that. But how could I ever hurt you? I always wanted you to feel good about yourself and have confidence in me. Now you know I was no saint.

Saint or not, you always had a secure spot in my heart.

Feels like forever but this I have to let you know.

Then I had that dream that felt so real. You were there in a white garment and you turned away to leave, waving at me. I just sat there. Me? I just sat there and looked at you walk away. I never told anyone about his. How could I watch you walk away? I woke up and thought hard and long about it. Still I had no understanding.

How many nights I prayed; candles, instructions, prayers and prayers again that this feeling end? It is supposed to be fun not wrenching and trepidating. And I knew it so I prayed.

Even your mother could not understand it and she asked me that question that still plagues me today. I felt my prayers were not answered. Or maybe they were wrong to say in the first place.

Remember how I would pretend to get mad at you and walk away only to turn back in a heartbeat? Sure you do. You always knew I would be back and I did not mind doing just that.
Then came that one day, we were together again. It dawned on me then that I was trying to fill a basket with liquid. Then I walked away and you thought that I was coming back. You wanted to see me off, I declined. I know you thought I would be back and I am sure that you waited. But I never looked back, not even once.

I walked straight, shoulders back, head held up high and straight to the beautician's. After this, I took a ride straight to the bus park, I did not look out the window to see if I'd catch a glimpse of you. I never looked back since then.

I stopped loving you and still don't know why.



THE END

what an interesting thread.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

serious?
how sweet of you

I keep trying my hands on these writeups