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| Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 9:44am On Jun 12, 2008 |
I have one rule in my life and that is to always say how I feel. . . People can always say where they are with me at every moment, I dont know how to pretend. Maybe its a character flaw but thats the way it is and some people actually appreciate the blunt honesty, I know I do. I've got a really good friend who has people around her who've hurt her badly in the past, she never really brings it up and doesnt discuss it with them. personally anyone who has treated me badly would have no place in my life but she insists she doesnt want to hurt their feelings. she has people in her life who she doesnt really like and I am of the opinion that all this baggage is weighing her down. Unfortunately she doesnt see it this way and although she seemed to understand in the beginning its becoming a cause for concern. Recently, she said to me that we probably cant get along if I continue to act this way. Friendship is the most important thing to me and I have accepted the fact that she chooses to keep thses people close. The thing is I cant be around people who've hurt her because I cant smile and pretend its all good. I cant and wont stop her from seeing these people if she wants to but I cant understand why she wont see i cant be that way. I can be civil when I need to be but thats about it. I believe she deserves better but she thinks I'm being stubborn and difficult. Ok so maybe I am stubborn and I can be very bull-headed with my opinions but these are the traits that have helped me succeed in very challenging situations. I have personal standards and I accept nothing less, does that make me such a bad person? |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by donmayor(m): 4:26pm On Jun 12, 2008 |
Accepting nothing less than your personal standards does not make you a bad person but someone that should be emulated. People tend to get uncomfortable with people who know what they want and are confident about it. We must not be forced to accept other people opinions if they conflict with our personal standards unless if there is a valid reason to it and you shuld not giv a f**k what they think of you. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by cptchicks(m): 6:29pm On Jun 12, 2008 |
darlin, your friend is not telling you everything you need to know, This goes both ways , Maybe you think she should open up more so that you can share her problems and all, seeing as a problem shared is a problem half solved, the second is, maybe she doesnt think you should get involved in that aspect of her life, she might feel you are being too inquisitive and all, she might not be comfortable with that, if that is the case, its up to you to decide what you really want from the friendship between both of you N.B, note my use of MIGHT, seeing im not perfect, these are just assumptions, |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by chika98: 8:45pm On Jun 12, 2008 |
There's nothing wrong with it. I think you're friend needs to quit thinking she needs to belong. Otherwise I don't know why she would keep these folks close to her. I don't and can't roll with peeps like that either. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 8:51pm On Jun 12, 2008 |
chika98: Its not about the need to belong, shes really nice and considerate and its mostly about not doing or saying anything that would hurt anyone its a trait i admire, but unfortunately clashes with my ideals. sometimes i even wish i was more like her  |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by onyinye2(f): 8:54pm On Jun 12, 2008 |
i personally dont have a problem with people who have high standards. it just shows that they have really good taste. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by spikedcylinder: 12:57pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
HR. Hotness, Do you realise: That this your friend who you think has been hurt by all these people could have been the one who inflicted the hurt on them thats why she refuses to be confrontational? That she might be telling you horrible things because she wants to seem like the victim when the actual fact is that her friends are the victims? That the same way she has told you all these horrible things about people is the same way she told them horrible things about you? Its rather strange that someone who prefers to "suffer in silence" is suddenly very confrontational about the state of her friendship with you. My dear, think things through o. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by Seun(m): 1:20pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
It's bad taste to cram your "high standards" down the throats of other people. There's a thin line between "high standards" and "intolerance". It's called "point of view". You shouldn't be friends with people you can't accept for who they are. That's just wrong. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by yemivictor: 1:55pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
@ OP! From all i've read, i don't see anything that relates with high standardness!! Rather, what i see is you trying to cry more than the bereaved, which could make you look really very stupid in the end!!! Why? There are 2 sides to a coin & in this case, you've only 1 side i.e. what your friend has told you! You may see yourself having a different perspective when you hear what the purported offenders have to say!! And lastly, the narrative of your gist is too shallow for anyone to give any meaningful advice!!! Ciao!  |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 2:52pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
Seun: cramming my "high standards" down her throats is definitely what i am "NOT" doing. I told her how i feel about certain things but I constantly make it clear to her that she can do as she pleases. I accept people as they are and do see things from their point of view, that doesnt mean i want to change and i don't expect them to change either. Like I said earlier, I always let my feelings be known and she does get quite defensive, I really can't see why we can't just agree to disagree @ spikedcylinder I'm talking based on what I have seen first hand @yemivictor I suppose you can decide to see it that way, I generalised the situation as best I cld without infringing on her privacy. It however is the way I see it and I think she too would agree. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by spikedcylinder: 3:33pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
So basically, you have problems with her saying she doesnt want your relationship anymore? |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by yemivictor: 3:59pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
HR.hotness: The only way you could infringe is by giving her name & no one has asked you to do that! I urge you to shed more light on the allegedly terrible things these people have done to your friend & let's take it from there!! |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by fotodaddy: 4:53pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
HR.hotness: This sounds so much like me. About 7 years ago!!! Please have personal standards, but remember, they are personal to you and you alone. To other people, your personal standards really mean nothing  There are somethings I have learnt in life and the top most is that "everyone CANNOT be like me" This mantra has really helped me cope with "lesser" people's "weaknesses" and has generally changed my point of veiw. This is what makes life so "interesting". Just imagine if everyine was like you, scary!!!!  If you value your friendship, you will stop trying to get your friend to change and accept her as she is; as stupid as her opinions and decisions might be to you, they are important to her and this should be the only reason for them to be important to you too. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by cptchicks(m): 5:35pm On Jun 13, 2008 |
true true @ foto, |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 2:32am On Jun 14, 2008 |
fotodaddy: On the contrary, I definately am not trying to change her, i just dont know why we cant agree to disagree. I understand my standards are mine and mine alone but whenever i voice my opinions, she gets so defensive and takes it that i'm trying to change her. . . i try not to say what i think when i am unhappy about something but she reads me like a book. if anything i feel like she's trying to change me and it makes me really unhappy sometimes. . . I have accepted her for who she is, dont understand why she cant do the same for me |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by acidrop(f): 2:38am On Jun 14, 2008 |
HR.hotness: nothing do u jare. am kinda like that, it dosent mean u are a bad person. u just know wats wat. ad that is a very good thing. no dickhead. can mess around with u. male or female. cos u know ur level |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by fotodaddy: 7:25am On Jun 14, 2008 |
If you want to know what you look like, look in a mirror. People's comments can also be a mirror. They say only a real friend tells his friend that his mouth smells. We, as individuals, really, are not very good judges of the interpretation of our actions. Others are. You might have the best intentions in the world for your actions but your actions get interpreted for something else. And there is nothing you can do about the interpretation. NEWS FLASH FOR YOU: you will be dealt with according to the interpretation or motives people give to your actions and not your real intentions or motives. So its up to us to adjust out behavior to such a point that our communication is accurate. In science the word used to describe this is "calibrate". HR.hotness: AND Seun: Its not only my interpretation of your actions (and utterances) that says you are trying to change your friend. REMEMBER, we dont really know your intentions, we only have our interpretations of your intentions to work with. Even if they are wrong!!! And we will deal with you according to our interpretations. Capish!!!  Dont get defensive. Try to read between the lines. I am only trying to help!!  cos I passed through this also. The change can ONLY come when you realize that although you are a "good" person with good intentions, there are parts of you that can hurt the people you care for without your even knowing or intending to. They say "PURSUIT IS THE PROOF OF DESIRE". If you really want to learn, do some studying on interpersonal behavior, relationship management and stuff like that. I wish you all the best. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 1:12pm On Jun 14, 2008 |
fotodaddy: Someone who I respect a great deal used to say something to that effect. . . I can see how my intentions could easily be misunderstood; I guess our problems boil down to communication or lack of it. I do undestand that these traits are also my worst flaws and I apologise if i sounded defensive. . . I get tired of explaining myself sometimes  Your comments however r noted Bleep |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by fotodaddy: 10:17pm On Jun 14, 2008 |
If it means anything to you, I admire your approach. We never stop learning and we can always be better. See you around. |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by HRhotness(f): 12:12am On Jun 15, 2008 |
It does mean quite alot to me Thanx for takin the time out to spell it out for me |
| Re: Are My Standards Too High? by fotodaddy: 6:49am On Jun 15, 2008 |
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