Re: Short Story Competition by Efemena_xy:
11:13pm On Oct 05
PlainMirror: My Travel Adventure
Hello PlainMirror,
I've just had a read of your short story titled:
My Travel Adventure and here's my review.
Please understand that these are just my views
and opinions and you may not entirely agree
with me. Feel free to discard those which you
feel are of no use to you. Having said that, my
aim here is to provide a well balanced, and
positive critique of your story, while being
encouraging, helpful, honest and supportive.
Thanks for sharing your work.
* HOW I FELT / EMOTIONS INVOKED:
Well, well, well! I must say that initially, your
grammatical errors were so off-putting, I just
had to mentally bar my mind against them and
focus on the story line. I’ve had a raft of
emotions starting from being really miffed at
the poor grammar, then slightly curious as I
read on, and then outright clamouring to read
more. (Ah! This shames me to admit!)
* HOW I RELATE TO THE WRITING:
Yes, sometimes we as humans do get stuck in
‘unforeseen’ circumstances and need to think
on our feet. Sometimes, taking the risk is
worth it and pays off, but what you (or the
narrator) did was wrong. Yes, I understand
that desperate situations call for desperate
measures, but if he had been caught out, it
would have been a completely different story.
Over here, you’ll get a hefty fine slapped on
you and you might have to appear in court too
for trying to cheat the system.
* TITLE:
My Travel Adventure – An apt description for
this piece of work.
* STYLE:
Narrative comedy combining a persuasive
form of writing.
* VOICE:
Yes, you do have your very own special voice
that was evident in your story. Just tone down
on the vernacular which tends to be
distracting.
* PLOT:
This story is based on the adventures of a
head-strong, secondary school pupil who loves
to live the ‘high-life’. An extravagant youth
with an ‘easy-come-easy-go’ nature, he takes
us through his secondary school experience
towards the end of term. Dependant on his
father for his financial upkeep, he discards the
idea of banking his money with the school
guardian only to find out that this move of his
backfired. Stranded for cash on the last day of
term, he tricks an ‘okada’ driver, swindles a
bus driver and his conductor and manages to
hold his nerve right to the very end.
* CHARACTERS:
The protagonist – PlainMirror
Mr Alala, his guardian teacher
An ‘Okada’ motorcyclist
A bus driver and his assistant conductor
* DIALOGUE:
Good use of dialogue cleverly interwoven with
the narrative piece.
* TIME / PLACE / SCENE/SETTING:
End of school term at Unity School, Ohafia,
(Abia State?), Eastern Nigeria. The story starts
out at the narrator’s secondary school then
progresses to the bus park, from where he is
meant to board a bus to Aba.
* MY LIKES:
An intruiging, light-hearted, captivating piece
of comedy that I found really enjoyable.
Definitely good for a weekend read!
* MY DISLIKES:
A lot of work needs to go in here in terms of
copy-editing and proof-reading. This piece is
raft with numerous:
~ Spelling and grammatical errors
~ Wrong sentence structures
~ Verb tense inconsistencies
~ ‘Head-hopping’ and distracting Point-Of-View
infractions
~ Narrator tends to lose focus and diverge into
unnecessary descriptions that do nothing to
enhance the storyline
* FAVOURITE LINE(S):
I recited ‘Our lord’s prayer’ in my mind.
Alast, Aba here I come.
‘Until you face a difficult situation, one.
wouldn’t realize how much innovative skills
he has in stock’
The last line is especially true and in dire times,
can make the difference between life and
death decisions made when boxed into a
corner. The narrator managed to get himself
out of a sticky situation based on a
combination of luck and ‘thinking on his feet’.
* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Okay, I picked up quite a lot of errors in your
write-up. I’ll mention a couple of them just
once, but the onus is on you to apply the
corrections to the rest of your work:
~ It was another season of relaxation and
enjoyment as holiday was fast approaching.
I had communicated with my dad some days
back via our school payphone centre to send
me some money for my transport fare back
home and small pocket money for other
miscellaneous expenses. That has been my
modus operandi; I send message across to
my parents few days to end of the term. My
reason was to avoid falling victim of stolen
money as it was a norm in our dormitory.
Theft is common in school hostels/
dormitories [mostly amongst guys] where
there is a combination of different
characters; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Your opening sentence was quite promising,
but then it was followed by a raft of
grammatical errors and tense mix-ups.
~ My Suggestion: “It was another season of
relaxation and enjoyment as the holidays drew
near. I had communicated with my dad a few
days ago via my school’s payphone center to
send me some money for my transportation
fare back home, and a little pocket money for
any other miscellaneous expenses that might
arise. My reason for sending such messages to
my parents a few days to the end of term was
to avoid falling victim to theft – a common
occurrence at my hall (hostel) of residence…”
~ Personally, I think this reads better as it’s
tighter and you send your message across in
fewer, clear-cut lines. The last two sentences
about theft being a common activity at your
school are redundant as you’ve already told us
that a few sentences earlier.
~ Your mentioning characters being “good,
bad, and ugly” mostly among guys should also
be discarded because it’s a POV (Point of View)
infraction where you’re jumping from the
protagonist’s narration to the author. This
scene is told from the protagonist’s point of
view, so he would have to know this
information. Putting this in parentheses and
providing information to the reader from the
author is called Authorial Intrusion. This
confuses the reader because he or she loses
track of who is telling the story. You do this a
couple more times throughout your story:
**[unity school no be beans naa] - Your
sudden diversion into vernacular or Pidgin
English is breath-taking. It leaves the reader
astounded and wondering what’s really going
on here. Don’t get me wrong – a little used
here and there, in dialogue and direct speech
is okay, but when it features heavily
throughout your prose, you give the reader
the impression you’ve suddenly given up
trying to write in simple, clear English. It also
makes you come across as a lazy writer. But
most importantly, you need to keep focus of
who your intended audiences are. If this is
strictly for Nigerians or the few West Africans
who understand Pidgin English, as opposed to
the rest of the world, then just be aware you’ll
be limiting the potential sales of your story.
Only a minority understand vernacular (which
incidentally varies from country to country),
and fewer even, are prepared so spend money
purchasing such works.
** [girls inclusive atymes] – You must make
concerted efforts to spell out your words. You
won’t be doing yourself any favours by writing
in a way that’s comfortable to you, as opposed
to adhering to the rules of grammar and
sentence structure. Yes, it’s hard ‘unlearning’
bad habits, but if you want to be a better
writer, you’ve got to get stuck in and try
improve upon your sentence structure. For
what it’s worth, you don’t say, “girls inclusive
atymes.” You say, “and girls inclusive”, or
“sometimes, including girls”.
** [ I am d generous type who loves to make
people around me happy] – I’m the generous
type who loves making the people around me,
happy.
** [dat kind Manchester united for EPL] –
Although discouraged especially in fiction
writing, IF you must use abbreviations in your
write-up, then you must spell them out the
first time, afterwards you can continue with
the abbreviations. Never assume your readers
know what you’re referring to. I’m not a footie
fan and I’m wondering what EPL means? You
also don’t say ‘dat kind…’ It’s ‘that sort of…’.
** [ we dey chop three square meal daily] –
Unnecessary POV infraction that’s best deleted.
** [ I wondered if dat was d mssg my dad
sent but on a 2nd thought, discarded the
idea] . – I wondered if that was the message my
dad sent me, but on second thoughts, I
discarded the idea. When writing numbers in
prose, you must spell them out if they’re less
than 100. So anything that is ninety-nine and
below must be spelt out. Bear in mind also that
you need to hyphenate compound numbers.
So say for example the number 24. Don’t write
24. Write twenty-four.
** [ money don enta be dat ni] -Unnecessary
POV infraction that’s best deleted.
** [I feigned innocence] – Feigning
ignorance… (always use strong, active verbs as
opposed to weak passive verbs in your
sentences)
** (if things doesn’t go according to plan) - If
things don’t go according to plan. (singular:
thing, does, doesn't), (Plural: things, do, don’t)
** (I normally keep my travel tickets for
some reasons I cannot phantom) – Normally,
I tend to keep my travel tickets, but for some
reason which I couldn’t fathom (not
phantom).
** (maybe trying to bring out wallet or
readjust) – Perhaps, bringing out my wallet or
readjusting my seating position
~ non beneficiaries – change to: non-
beneficiaries
Dialogue and Dialogue Tags
When writing prose, you must endeavor to
make the distinction between spoken speech,
your character’s thoughts and the narrative
itself. To do this, enclose spoken or direct
speech in quotes, and your character’s
thoughts in italics. Now let’s take a look at a
sample dialogue between your main character
and his house master, Mr. Alala:
“Anyways,” he continued, “your dad called me
yesterday.”
“Ok sir”, I nodded slightly [ money don enta be
dat ni]
Mr Alala gazed at me for seconds before he
continued, “your dad sent you some money
thiis morning through waybill, but he did not
disclose the amount to me. He said it is for
your transport fare to Aba.”
“Thank you sir,” I replied beaming with smile.
“Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in
my register been inactive since the
commencement of this term?
So you are now too big to have a guardian
eeeeh,” Mr Alala pressed further.
“No sir, it is just that you are not always
around each time I come to the staff room to
meet you.” [I feigned innocence]
“That is your choice to make, but please don’t
visit me with missing money issues,” he
concluded and left.
As you can see, I’ve included quotation marks
in your dialogue between your characters,
thereby making it easier for your readers to
discern who’s speaking. (Note: if a speaker’s
speech runs into a new paragraph, open up the
first paragraph with speech marks, but don’t
close it till you get to the end of his or her
spoken speech at the end of the last line.)
Now, let’s look at dialogue tags. These are
phrases such as, “he said”, “she said”, after
spoken speech. When you have two characters
discussing amongst themselves, you should
cut down the use of these tags to minimum
use. Take a look at the same quoted speech,
further modified:
“Anyway, your dad called me yesterday.”
“Ok sir,” I nodded
Mr Alala gazed at me for a few seconds before
continuing, “Your dad sent you some money
this morning through waybill, but he didn’t
disclose the amount to me. He said it’s for your
transportion fare to Aba.”
“Thank you sir,” I replied beaming with smile.
“Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in
my register been inactive since the
commencement of this term?
So you are now too big to have a guardian
eeeeh?”
“No sir, it is just that you are not always
around each time I come to the staff room to
meet you.”
“That’s your choice to make, but please don’t
visit me regarding missing money issues,” he
concluded.
* MEMORABLE WRITING:
This bit got stuck in my mind as I found myself
almost biting my nails, hoping the narrator
won’t get caught and eager to find out what
happened next:
He started the ticket gross check from the
front passenger seat and everybody flashed
their tickets to his face Plainmirror inclusive.
However, his search wasn’t justified as he had
hoped to catch a scapegoat without ticket so he
beckoned on everybody to come down from
the bus for a second thorough search.
This time I shuddered but maintained my cool
so as not to draw unnecessary suspicion.
I better coordinate myself well if not my spot
in the bus will be sold to the scores of students
still waiting for bus. Not after it has also caused
me a big embarrassment because some girls
and junior students were also inside the bus.
It was already getting to some minutes past
three O’clock and had a journey of about two
hours thirty minutes ahead of us. So some
students complained bitterly capitalizing on
time factor.
The driver checked the tickets again as we
individually entered the bus but his quest was
to no avail. He however shifted the blame to
his mate and ignited the car engine.
* ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
A very interesting piece which I thoroughly
enjoyed. Granted, the numerous errors were
off-putting and I was tempted not to continue
beyond the third paragraph, but, I’m glad I did.
A great deal of work is needed to polish this
piece of prose, but PlainMirror, take it from me
that you are indeed a rough diamond!
A final word of encouragement here: Having
the best command of written English is
admirable but will not sell your story if you
bore your readers to tears. Thankfully, you
don’t fall into that category. I’ll advice you to
keep on reading books. Expand your
vocabulary and never, ever stop writing. With
hardwork and a determination to succeed,
you’ll eventually get there.
Wishing you all the best and keep up the good
work! Well done.
Cheers,
Efe.
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