PART ONE

Back in the days at Onitsha, i stayed behind Mallam osumanu's house.
Mallam osumanu had this fine daughter Ramatu.
Ramatu was sooo pretty i couldnt resist her so i had to propose to her.
I proposed to her finally but she told me she couldnt date a christian. ."shittz!!" i thought, erected and left. .

PART TWO

Now, when i realised i couldnt get this hot babe for " dinner" i consulted my good friend pele.
Pele gave me a master plan.
I knew Ramatu always sat under that big acacia tree beside their house to pound yam.
With the aid of friends and sympathizers , i dug a huge pit under the chair under the tree, scraped a whole through the chair and covered the pit with roofing sheets, dry leaves and sand.
i did it sooo cleverly that, you wouldnt notice it. I rushed to the drug store to get myself 50 packs of VIAGRA, dont ask me what for. . .

PART THREE

IT was evening and ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.My rod was already inside the hole soooooooooo hard.
she sat right on it, omg it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet . she began moaning and felt very sleepy.i did it like i was maaaaaaad.Ramatu's mother noticed her asleep and asked " why are you sleeping ramatu?" she replied "mama i have exams to write tommorrow so i need to sleep now to keep vigil tonight"

PART FOUR

Now this went on and on and on but Ramatu never knew i was the one behind her excitements.
Anytime she saw me in town, she wouldnt even greet me and all that.
so one hoooooooooot afternoon, Ramatu came under the tree to pound yam.
She sat on my thing, and i began the to and fro movement.
this time she was enjoying it too much so she fell asleep and left the yam unpounded.she was almost in coma.
Her mother was sooo angry when she came to the scene.
She insulted and beat up Ramatu for sleeping and drove her off the seat though Ramatu was reluctant at first.
Her mother, Mrs osumanu then sat on the seat to pound it herself. .

PART FIVE

Now mrs osumanu sat firmly on my thing.
i began the to an fro.
she was speechless for a while.
Ramatu was watching jelously and murmuring.
mrs Osumanu started moaning " Ramatu thats why you dey,sleep ooo" she said this several times and Ramatu was very angry at her mum.60 minutes later, mrs Osumanu left and there was a quarrel between her and Ramatu.
I went there after gone to change my self to ask why they were quarreling and they all said it was a small family matter, so i left. .

PART SIX

Now one hot afternoon, Ramatu returned from school.
There was some yam to be pounded, she went for them eager to come and pound but just as she was about to leave the kitchen, her mum grabbed the yam from her and shouted " didnt you see someone is ready to pound these yams?"
This started a quarrel.
They quarreled and fought and quarreled over who must pound the yam till Papa Osumanu himself arrived home.
" why are u quarreling with Ramatu?" he inquired
There was no answer and from there, there was complete silence.
I was eagerly waiting in the pit for my "lunch"
Before i realised, there was someone on the seat.
i began smiling in the pit and moved my "rod" through the whole.
But it hit one hard thing, " snake!!!"Papa osumanu got up from the seat and yelled.
i came out from my pit and took to my heels. Papa osumanu tried giving me a chase, but i was too fast, he fell on the ground.


PART SEVEN
Now two months later, i was passing by the Osumanu's house and noticed something strange.
Ramatu was pregnant.
mrs Osumanu was also pregnant."wow!, these are my babies" i thought.
But how do i claim Them? since nobody knew i was the one behind all the "pounding escapades"
i consulted the oracle at Onitscha and the oracle told me if i wanted the babies, i must bring two testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, one live crocodile, my landlord's early morning urine and two bottles of shnapps.
it kept me wondering. .


PART EIGHT

Now i left the oracle, and for two weeks, i still couldnt get some of the items the fetish priest asked me to get.So i went back to him and told him.He suddenly got up from his seat and yelled at me "you either go and bring those items or you go madddd!!!".I was shivering, soooooooooooooooo much scared.where would i get testes of a tortoise, a monkey's rib, a live crocodile, and all that.so i told him i was no longer interested in claiming the babies any longer but he again yelled "you must get the babies nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"
i was so so so so frightened, so i again asked him if i couldnt pay everything in cash and he replied "now you are talking" He brought out one big leaf which he said was the calculator of the gods, made some incantations and said everything would cost 5000naira.I begged for a reduction so he did his incantations again to beg the gods to reduce the amount.When he finished he told me the gods had been angered by the reduction request so they had increased it to 10 000 naira.WTF!! lipsrsealed
i fainted. . . .. . . ..



RAMATU PART NINE

Now hours later, i regained conciousness and finally agreed to pay the said sum to the gods.
Ileft for the house and was thinking how to raise the 10000 naira.
i finally had an idea.
In the night, when it was around 11pm, i tip-toed to baba issa's pen.Baba issa had sooooooo many goats with odour.I looked through and saw this faaaaaaaaaaat one which was bow-legged.i grabbed it by the left leg and wanted to bleat so i wrapped my hankerchief and put it in its mouth.it was very heavy, i managed to carry it to my house.
Next day, i heard an announcement that a goat was missing.I went to baba issa's compound and lots of people converged there expressing their worries and sympathy about the theft.one man uncle mike saw me and asked "have you heard about the theft?" i said " oh!, hmmm, na only Allah go punish whoever stole this goat ooo".i expressed my condolense to baba issa and left.That same day, i saw a poster on the street with the missing goat's picture with an inscription "missing, find him and get a handsome reward".I laghed throughout the night.
Now when it was 11 pm, i left my house again and tip-toed to baba issah's pen with my sack and torchlight.
i looked through well well and saw another fiiiiiiiiine goat.
i grabbed it by the legs, it was bow-legged, covered its mouth and pushed it into my sack.

RAMATU PART 10

Now within three days, i had stolen seven goats from baba issa's pen and was still thirsty for more.
so as usual, it was 11pm and i took my sack and left for baba issa's pen.
it was until i got to the site that i realised i had left my torchlight in the house.
i decided to forget about it and make way for my 8th booty.
i looked through the pen and saw blurred images of various goats.i spotted an unusually fat one so did the sign of cross and entered the pen.
i grabbed it and carried it on my head since it was toooooooooooo fat.
the moment i stepped out of the pen i experienced one haaaaaaaaaaaard sharp slap on my right cheek so i dropped the booty.it was a human being i was carrying.
my body's temperature rose abnormally so i took to my heels with the guy giving me one hooooooooot chase.
i was sweating like a pregnant fish and the guy was still chasing me with usual chants "thief, thiefoooo!!!, thief, thief " waking up everybody to join me in the chase


PART 11

Now almost everybody in the vicinity was awake chasing.
they finally caught me, and i swear i cant forget the beatings that night grin
one guy i felt his punches soooooooooo much was pozo, the painter.The only good news about the beating was that, because it was dark nobody really recognised me.
i was sooooo weak and tired so fell unto the ground and pretended to be dead,.this made them hold on for a bit and by the time they realised, i took to my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels


RAMATU PART 12
now soon it was morning, so i headed straight for my mirror and looked at myself.gosh, i was no different from a boxer that had been knocked down in the 6th round.
i already was hearing discussions from the compound about how a thief was caught in baba issa's house.my landlord oga lukeman was sooo excited about the news "but why dem no kill am," he kept screaming "you want make them kill your papa?" i thought
hours later, i stepped out of my room to go get a bath.now when everyone saw my deformed and miserable state, they wondered.oga lukeman querried "bin, since when did you become eppileptic?" "na u sabbi ooo!" i reply am
after taking my bath, i headed staight to the oracle as i had gotten the 10 000 naira price.
everybody that saw me on the way couldnt recognise me because i was deformed via the beatings.
soon i was at the oracle and the priest was wearing an unusual frown.he said the gods were angry due to the delay. . .


RAMATU PART 13

so i knelt down n apologized to the gods so they accepted my offer.the priest made some incantations n gave me some powder n said "go to their house now n claim your babies" i was so excited, so i made straight for the osumanus house.i saw so many people converged in the house, so i asked wat was happening when one albino guy told me ramatu and her mum had both had a miscarriage!
i fainted.i woke up the next day at the hospital with my friend pele sitting beside me.


RAMATU PART 14

Now pele gave me the news that mrs Osumanu had kicked the bucket and papa Osumanu too had kicked the bucket after fainting.
Ramatu was the only surviving member of the family though she also miscarried.
the news made me very very sad, though my "thing was very hard and standing"
Pele came from the doctor's room and said my bill was 1500 naira, my GoD HOW WOULD I PAY.. .
In the afternoon, when pele had gone home, a nurse entered my ward and was just moving around.
i looked left, looked right, grabbed her , pushed her unto my sick bed and forcibly "gave it to her" grin
At first she was crying "please stop what u r doing, please stop what you r doing " but when i began stopping she changed her cry to "please do what you are stopping, please do what you are stopping" she enjoyed it soooo much that she fell asleep.
i removed her dress and put it on


RAMATU PART 15
Now because of the nurse's attire i was wearing, i escaped from the hospital without paying the bills.
i remember giving one hoooot slap to the old security officer who tried to interrogate me.

i was getting close to my house when i spotted a painter on a ladder climbing to the fourth floor of a six-story building.
i finally recognised him.it was pozo the painter who gave me some hoot slaps the other night.
i shook the ladder several times and finally saw him descending from the skies crying out loud grin
He hit the ground and i saw his skull splitting into pieces.
i looked right, looked left, there was no one coming so i took to my heels.


RAMATU PART 16
I woke up next morning and the whole of Onitsha was mourning.
mr and mrs osumanu were all dead.Pozo the painter was also gone.
People kept speculating the cause of pozo's death.
i was thinking about what to do to the priest who had taken my money and still couldnt get me my babies.
i finally devised a plan.
i sharpened my machette and made for the oracle,.when i got there, the priest was eating egusi and pounded yam.the moment he saw me he smiled and said "hey, my son you are welcome ooooo"
i removed my machette and he took to his heels. i gave him one hooot chase with my machette. . . .

RAMATU PART 17

STill chasing the fraudster(priest) with my machette , i just saw one okada knock him down.i retreated straight to the oracle.i entered the secret room and saw the scary looking object revered as god.it was a carved wood with a black painting.i carried it into my bag, pissed all over the place n left for the house.
soon i was in my ròom so i pushed the bag under my bed n rested on the carpet. it was around 2pm and i slept.i had a dream where i was being pursued by so many dogs.

RAMATU PART 18
One dog finally caught me.it chewed off all my nyansh and kpekus.it was about time for the scary looking dog to eat my nyansh when i woke up.i was sweating and panting, i checked the clock and it was 8pm.all of a sudden, i heard a noise from under my bed, "take me back, take me back, take me back".i hurriedly jumped off my bed and rushed out of the room with full momentum.it was after i stepped out of the room i realised i was Unclad and erect


RAMATU PART 19
The noise from under my bed woke everybody up on the compound.My landlord oga lukeman also came out wearing just boxer shorts.they all asked me why i was running at that time but i only asked them to enter my room and see for themselves.Totaling about 20 people all entered my room, and they could stay for even a minute, they all began screaming and attempted escaping, but a stampede occured at the door and almost everyone was on the floor.funny enough, i saw my landlord oga lukeman lying helplessly on the wife of the plumber.oga lukeman though was scared and crying yet was moving his waist up and down

RAMATU PART 20

It was getting to 12 o'clock midnight, and a crowd had converged at the house.They all could hear the sound coming from my room, "take me back, take me back, take me back" this time with echo.it was then a guy claiming to be a man of God devoted himself to go and get whatever was making that noise,.He brought out his bible, spoke some tongues and entered my room.Most women amongst the crowd were praying.till then i realised i was still erect and at this time i was having serious abdominal pains.two minutes later. .


RAMATU PART 21
Now two minutes after the man of God had been in my room, we heard sounds of slaps, "ppa!, ppaaa!!, ppppaaaaaa!!!!". . then we saw the guy zooming out of the room with full speed crying and screaming "chineke ei!, chinekei!!, amadioha save mee ooo. . ."
the self-acclaimed pastor's athletism and pace prompted every one on the compound to run away, of course i was the first to escape.
Though i was scared to the bone, my lips were still beaming with smiles as i was laughing at the pastor and my landlord who fell off trying to run cas of his pot belly.
Nobody slept that night for the scare of the sound coming from my room.what i failed to understand was the fact that i was still erect

RAMATU PART 22
I kept vigil with my friend pele throughout the night till it was morning.My Attention was more intense now and was paining me.
It was there Pele suggested he knew one powerful medicineman at cotonou who could cure my Attention disorder, but we had no money.
Then we devised a plan.
We went out to where the mosque was.We saw muslims in the mosque bowing to praise Allah.At the doorstep of the mosque was about 200 pairs of sandals.it belonged to the worshippers since they were not allowed to enter the mosque with footwear .Pele and i packed all the sandals into our sack and took to our heels.Not long after we began running, we saw the muslims coming out of the mosque, spotting us and giving us a hooooooooot chase. . .


RAMATU PART 23
It was scary because the muslims were fast, but i proved that day i had olympic gold potentials.We run and run and run till we out-paced the angry muslims who needed their sandals' badly with chants of "worlahi!!.". "Allah!" "chei!!".
We came across this taxi which we hopped into with our booty.Pele sat at the front with the sack and i was in the back where i spotted this blind hunchback reading a book titled "hunchbacks and rituals"
NOT long after we joined the taxi, then BBBBBBAAMMMMM!!!!. . .

RAMATU PART 24
A truck had crashed into our taxi.Our driver died on the spot.I saw pele also very badly injured with all his front teeth removed, i was laughing, because i was not that hurt.Then i saw rescuers enter our taxi to help us get out.They brought out pele and the deceased taxi driver.I checked on the driver's seat and spotted some naira notes, i quickly grabbed them and stuffed them into my pocket.
The rescuers brought out the hunchback and they thought the accident had given him that hunchback so they were going to stretch him to become normal when he cried out nasally " na so i be oo abeg dont stretch me eeeeee!!" i was full of lafta



WATCH OUT FOR RAMATU PART 25. . . . .. . . . . .


RAMATU PART 25
The rescuers wouldnt take any of that from the poor hunchback, but still went ahead to stretch him violently and soon i heard a loud rhythmic fart with echo coming from the abled anus of the hunchback, the rescuers suddenly dropped him to the ground and took to their heels.Soon, houseflies, bluebottles, bees and other violent flies engulfed the scene, as i covered my nostrils tightly to block the repugnant stench from entering my nostrils.It was then i realised i was still erect. .this time even harder.
Soon i spotted the angry muslims chanting war songs heading towards my area so i set off in Usain Bolt style, with the sack containing their sandals firmly in my grips.

RAMATU PART 26
The muslims were now closer to me than ever when i saw an albino heading towards mee on his bicycle.Whilst riding past me, i pushed him off his bike, took charge of it and rode like i was maaaad.I rode and rode and rode and before i realised, i was at the Lagos airpot."oh my God" i thought.I saw one giant aeroplane with the inscription "VIRGIN NIGERIA".I saw people in ques trooping into the aeroplane.I hurriedly joined them, and soon i was inside the plane, without anyone asking me a word.i suddenly heard a lady's voice, that we must tighten our seat belts as the plane was about to take off. . ..



RAMATU PART 27
It was there and then i asked a white lady sitting close to me where we were going, to which she replied "AMERICA".I did the sign of cross then i could feel the plane moving.Just as the plane moved, i spotted one big grasscutter with speed cross over where i was seated, i got up and gave it a hooooot chase inside the plane.Everyone on board in shock was looking at me.I saw the grasscutter hop into the skirt of one fine babe, i stretched off my hand into the babe's skirt and caught the grasscutter.i removed my belt, tied it around the grass-cutter's neck and hanged it till it died.

RAMATU PART 28
I could hear lots of peeps on the flight murmuring, cursing and all that.I saw one lady who was dressed like a waitress on the plane, so i bave her the grasscutter to go and roast it for me.she took it and left.
it was just after this that two well built guys holding pistols asked everyone on the flight to say their last prayers and that they were suicide bombers.They quickly relesed a few gunshots into roof and everyone was shaking.It was at the same time we heard an announcement that, the pilot was having his eppileptic attack so everyone must pray hard.

RAMATU PART 29
I could hear many screaming, others praying but i was just erect and shivering.I crawled on the floor into the pilots room to take charge of the plane which was already at the verge of crashing.I saw the pilot who had had an eppileptic attack's miserable body in the room with foam all over his mouth.I gave him two dirty slaps and then decided to pilot the plane myself.Try as i could, i could not do anything.Luckily, i spotted two parachutes, i took both, through the windows i gently descended down the plane with a much harder Attention coupled with series of farts. . . grin


RAMATU PART 30
I finally touched down and i found myself in a very strange place.It was a shrine.I saw the fetish priest, very old and tattered .He asked me my mission in his shrine and i told him the story.He promised he could cure my erectionn disorder, but i will have to pay him.I told him i had no money so we came to a compromise that, i will stay in the shrine and work for him for one year when he healed me of the erecttion fever.He told me to cure my errection, i had to bleep his godess, who was half-human, half snake.i fainted!!!


RAMATU PART 31
So early the next morning, i the fetish priest woke me up and marched me straight to the godess' room, and true to his words, she was half-woman half snake.I was trembling by her or should i say its sight alone.My fear came to its peak when the scary goddess screamed "come!!!!, my darling come!!!!!!!" i almost fell into a coma-ic faint, but i still mustered courage and went to it. . .

RAMATU PART 32
I began the to and fro and mhen, it was soooo sweeeeet!!!
The other problem was, though i had covered both nostrils, i still couldnt hold the odour.The godess was damn smelling so i would spit occasionally.
The scary goddess reminded me so much of ramatu.
Before i realised it was already evening and i had already done 56 rounds and the dirty scary godess was still screaming "more!!, more!!! more!!!!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i fainted twice all of a sudden and erected haard.


RAMATU PART 33
I woke up next morning in the priest,s room who had a huge frown on his face.He said the godess said i had impressed her so she wanted to marry me!!I wanted to faint, but faint wouldnt come.
So i wa s locked up with the dirty Godess' in that room for 30 days.
It was after these 30 days of intensive to and fro movement that the priest called me into his room and told me the goddess had missed her period, and that it/she was pregnant for me, WTF!!!
One thing i was thankful for was the fact that, my errection problem was gone, but i was now as lean as the number 1


RAMATU PART 34
So in the afternoon, the priest and i were in the goddes' room.
The goddess was wearing a gown and i was given suits to wear.
The priest said "do you bin, take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
before i could say i do, the smell in the room changed, as if an animal had died and gotten rotten there.
So i covered my nostrils, and spat thrice, but it was there that, the priest told me angrily "dont you dare do that again!!, dont you know that's a holy fart by the godess?" i immediately pissed all over my body


RAMATU PART 35
So the priest still wearing a frown, said again "do you bin take the godess as your lovely wedded wife?"
. . ."i do " i replied nasally.
Then the priest further said "now you may kiss your bride "
Out of fear, i moved my lips close to the godess' lips when i saw maggots coming out from her mouth.Her mouth was also damn smelling like Mogul's anus, worlahi!!.
So i immediately moved back, spat again angrily and screamed " pppppoahh!!, you nor dey brush your teeth??!!!"
The priest got angry and started making some incantations.
I soon found myself bleeting.
I had been turned to a ram

RAMATU PART 36

In full gear, i jumped out of the shrine still bleating "mbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerererer!!!"
i soon found a flock of sheep eating grass on a school field.
i joined and chopped grass for the first time.
It was sweet
Later i saw some of the ram "climbing" some of the "ewe"
My "thing" became hard, and i spotted one hot ewe.
i quickly "climbed it" and oh, i had never felt like that before.
i was glad to be a sheep
In all i did 7 rounds


RAMATU PART 37

Haven screwed this ewe very very well, she asked me my name.
i was surprised to have heard a sheep talk, as i never knew they could talk.
I told her i am "bin" so i asked about her.
She said she was ekaitte.
I told her i was going to call her "ramatu", after my first love, which she wholeheartedly accepted.
The funny thing was that, because i had screwed "ramatu" very well, all the other ewes on the field, numbering about 25 had surrounded me and wanted me to service them.
Ramatu looked at and whispered "please never cheat on me!"


RAMATU PART 38
The other ewes were so tempting, as some of them had wide hips and big nyaansh, but i also didnt want to disappoint my Ramatu.
Ramatu again looked into my eyes and asked "bin, will you marry me?"
i nodded in affirmation.
It was getting late, so i saw all the sheep leaving the field and heading to the east.
I asked Ramatu where they were going and she said home.
"wont your owner notice i am a stranger?"
ramatu replied "no, that old foool will rather be happy to get a new fat ram like you "
i inquired about the owner and ramatu told me everything about him.
He was a 58 year old retired police officer called oga ebuka ,and stayed with his wife and 18 sons.

RAMATU PART 39
Soon we were home and all of us entered the pen.
I was scared as it was my first time in a pen.
I didnt notice any human being in the house.
It was when we got into the pen that, one fine ewe who i later gathered was called ngozi, came and whispered into my ears "i love you from the bottom of my heart"
i was tempted, as Ngozi was hot. In fact hotter than, Ramatu.
Ngozi told me if i wanted to stay with oga ebuka happily, i should accept her proposal as she has a good rapport with oga ebuka and can let him take good care of me.
i asked Ngozi how she meant by good rapport and she whispered, "wait till 11pm"
i didnt understand her.
All this while, RAmatu was looking at me, and was looking jealous and worried.

RAMATU PART 40

At about 11pm, when i had screwed Ramatu for the 16th time, i saw a tall man enter the pen.
Ngozi walked to me and whispered into my ears, "see oga ebuka. .just watch what he will do.."
Oga ebuka flashed his light through the pen, and i saw him grab Ngozi by the legs.
He drew Ngozi to the corner, undressed, and i was shocked to see oga ebuka screwing Ngozi, a sheep.
wonders will never end.
It was around 2am dawn and Oga ebuka had still not finished.
It was around that time, i heard a woman on the compound crying out, "ebuka!!. ebuka!! where are you ooo!!"
Oga ebuka jumped out of Ngozi and stepped out.
I overheard him telling the woman who i later gathered was his 4th wife that "i heard sounds of a thief in the pen so i went to check " For my mind i kept saying "ode!!!"
Ngozi walked to me and whispered "i told you".

RAMATU PART 41

Soon it was morning and all the sheep had woken up.
Ramatu had also woken up, but was so quiet.
I walked to her to ask why and she told me i had broken her heart.
i was so sad.Later she whispered into my ear "its over"
i was down.
Just around the time, i spotted Oga ebuka opening our door to go out and have our breakfast.
I noticed him watching me.
Ngozi came to me and oga Ebuka was damn jelous.
Oga Ebuka grabbed a long cane to come and lash me, but i was fast.Next i heard him telling one of his sons to set fire and that they have a strange ram(me) to slaughter for supper.
I was scared.
I discussed the matter with Ngozi who said i shouldnt worry and that she would talk to him.
I was wondering how a sheep would talk to a man.
The next thing i saw Oga ebuka deliberately throw maize on the ground to serve as a bait to catch me, but i was too fast. i didnt get near it at all.

Ramatu Part 42

When Oga Ebuka and family realised i was not coming for the maize, they resolved to give me a chase.
it was not a joke.
They chased and chased and chased and finally caught me.
"i don die be this oo" i was telling myself.
They tied a rope around my neck and tied it to a tree on the compound.
The fire was set, and Oga ebuka was sharpening his knife for the slaughter.
It was there and then i began talking loud to their hearing, "you wan chop ram abi? you think say i be ordinary ram abi? mbeeeeeeeeer, mbeeeeeeeeeeeer, .. .trouble sleep, yanga go wake am. . .!!" i no even finish and i saw some faint on the ground, others took to their heels screaming and crying.
Oga Ebuka suffered an instant stroke grin

[b]PART 43

Some members of oga ebuka's family had gone to bring a pastor.
The pastor came close to me.
Prayed in tongues and i turned back to a human being.
The only problem was i still possessed my two horns, and the smell of a ram.
The house was filled with people who had come to see what was happening.
Pastor asked me my name and where i am from, i tried to answer him, but the only answer was "mbeeeeeeeeeer".
I had lost my speech.
I saw the pastor ask me to follow him.
We got to a place where i later discovered was the mission house.
Pastors children and wife all took to their heels the moment they saw me.

part 44
Early next morning, pastors began praying for me.
He was praying in tongues, i swear.
After prayers, he asked me to fast for the whole day.
I almost fainted. How could i fast?
It was 12 o'clock and pastor and his children were eating lunch.
The aroma was disturbing me but i had been ordered to fast.
I went out and started screaming, "fire, fire, fire, fire"
suddenly pastor and his family all stepped out to come and see what was happening.
I tiptoed to the dining table and did justice to the food.

Part 45
That day, Pastor gave me a real good flogging.
I received not less than 300 lashes, i swear.
This made me very angry so decided to revenge.
At dawn, around 3 AM, as pastor had left the mission to go and evangelise, i tiptoed to his bedroom, where his wife Madam Ruth was fast asleep in her nite-gown in the bed.
I went and slept on the bed.
WIthin 5 minutes, I felt a hand touching me every where.
I was smiling, as i knew it was the sure hand of Madam Ruth.
I began responding "positively" to Madam Ruth.

Part 46

Suddenly, i heard a loud fart coming from Madam Ruth's end.
It was like there was a dead rat on the bed.
I covered my nostrils tightly to avoid the stench that was apparently coming from Madam Ruth's anus.
Soon the odour had disappeared and we continued the game.
Suddenly, she switched on her bed lamp and realised it wasnt pastor, her husband.
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesors" she screamed
I knelt down and begged her not to tell anybory.
After several minutes of pleading, she winked at me, opened her arms and whispered " now, co...come to mummy"

Part 47

I jumped on her and did like i was mad.
From that day, it was a daily routine between me and Madam Ruth.
One early morning, Pastor had left for evangelism and there was no one in the mission house apart from me and Madam Ruth. As usual, we chose the bathroom to do our own thing.
We locked the bathroom, and began our own game.
Just two minutes into the game, we heard someone screaming out Madam Ruth's name on the compound.
It was Tunde, the nextdoor neighbour, also friend to Pastor.
He kept on screaming " knocking, knocking, is nobody in the house?...then why is the shower running?..abeg, moh i go close am" The moment i heard that from the bathroom, i felt cold shivers down my spine.
Madam Ruth was trembling. Soon Tunde had got to the bathroom door.
He knocked several times, but we didnt respond, before we realised, Tunde had broken the door and was in the bathroom. "i don die be this ooo" i screamed

PART 48

" no, u no die yet! edioot" Tunde replied.
Madam Ruth and i were already kneeling and begging Tunde not to report the matter, else we are dead.
Tunde was furious and threatening to tell every one.
We however got a bit relieved, when Madam Ruth said "oh, mr Tunde, please, i will do anything you ask for, please" Tunde began to calm down a bit, when he heard this. He then said, "ok, right now, i am also going to hav e my fair share of the national cake, agreed?" Madam Ruth didnt hesitate and replied quickly "yes yes yes agreed". I wasnt happy with this offer, but i was also nodding "yes yes yes yes". Next Tunde Ordered me to get out of the bathroom so he would take his turn

PART 49

So, tunde began with his to and fro movement and i stood there watching sheepishly
my AK was still standing and nodding like an agama lizard.
as i couldnt help any longer, i joined Tunde in the exercise and it was two pestles in one mortar .
pastor's wife was enjoying. because of the over enjoyment, we both couldnt stop as we kept drilling and drilling for more oil.
Just before we realised, the door was open and pastor stood there with a pistol.


PART 50
Pastor fired the first shot and it hit tunde's Kpekus.
Tunde fell flat on the bath floor with foam all over his mouth.
He then fired at me, right on my forehead.
I fell flat on the floor as well withering in gruesome pain.
to me and Tunde's surprise, pastor threw away the pistol, pounced on his wife and continued from where we left.
He was screwing the hell outta his wife


PART 51
Still looking on my vision was getting blurred by every passing second.
not too soon, i was dead.
"shittz", my ghost kept screaming and i was at the gate of Heaven.
To my surprise, i saw two well-built angels manning the gates of Heaven who asked my mission.
"i don die, i wan come heaven"
The Angels opened a big book to locate my name.
After months of search, they finally located my name in the book of Hell
"choi, i don die again be this oooooo" i screamed

watch out for part 51

space booked

Crazy but hilarious.But why is ur story all abt s*x,kai! Nawa for u oooo.

can't believe I read everything

chiefololade: can't believe I read everything

Bin, you dey mad big time.

larride: Bin, you dey mad big time.

remember there is joy in madness larride, you know you are madder than me

So hilarious

aboyaji: So hilarious

i know

this op no go kill person with laff o

brown ideye:
this op no go kill person with laff o

hold on

ode ni omo bin yi sha

larride: ode ni omo bin yi sha

bin gbagbo:

*Tears thorny slap*

good

lol

Lol bingbagbo.. U are a superstar!

Crazy!

You just won the internet!

jbblues24:
You just won the internet!