Sorry Guys My my last thread Got deleted By Mod AntiSpambot.

So Am going to start allover again.

Daily updates of Jokes to Make you laugh, dont forget to drop some comments.

Come laugh with me


What English can do!

A newly married Nigerian couple brought a female
house help from the village to assist in keeping their
home tidy, so they would have time for their careers
and other more important things. One day, Oga decided to give his wife a surprise
package. He moulded a big heart (to represent love)
with the assistance of the house help, a project which
took almost the whole day. Madam came back to meet the house help sleeping
and snoring: MADAM: Will you get up now! Stupid girl! What have
you been doing since morning? HOUSE HELP: Madam welcome. No vex abeg. Me and
Oga dey make love since morning. Na just now now
we finish he say make I lie down small. The house help is now on admission at the Lagos
Hospital.

A Governor was in the church for thanksgiving. The
topic of the sermon was “repentance”
After the sermon, Pastor Akpos asked the
congregation ‘if anybody wants 2 give ur life 2 God
lift your hand let me pray for you’.
Nobody responded after about three calls. The Governor mounted the alter and made a
statement: “If you want to give your life to God
please lift up your hands let Pastor Akpos pray for you
because we want to have good citizens in this
state”.
A young guy lifted up his hands reluctantly, and the governor asked his personal assistant to give the guy
$20,000.
The governor repeated the same statement again,
and this time around everybody’s hand was up…
The Governor turned to Pastor Akpos to pray 4 them
only to realise to his greatest surprise that Pastor’s Akpos hand was also up…..

It was at a party and Akpos – the
host was getting worried because
there were too many people and
not enough refreshments.
He was sure that not all of these
people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which
ones were the crashers.
Then he got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests
and said,
“Will those who are from the bride’s side of the family stand up
please?”
About twenty people stood.
Then he asked,
“Will those who are from the
groom side of the family stand up as well?”
About twenty five people stood
up.
He then smiled and said,
-
- -
“Will all those who stood please
leave? This is a birthday party.

Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in
Kano. Here is one of the questions: “You are on patrol in the outskirts of Kano when an
explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown
in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying
nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of
alcohol. Both occupants a man and woman are
injured. You recognize the woman as the wife of your
Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a
Peace Making Mission In Sudan. A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and
you realize that he is a man who is wanted for armed
robbery. Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting
that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of
the explosion has made the birth imminent. Another man is crying for help, having been blown
into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot
swim. Describe in a few words what action you would
take?” Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and
wrote: “I would take off my uniform and mingle with
the crowd.”

The following conversation ensued between Akpos
and his girlfriend, Joy. Joy: Honey, do you still love me like before? Akpos: Yes love! My love for you will never change. Joy: That’s my honey. I want you to buy me
something. Akpos: Just name it, baby. Joy: It’s just one BB porsche. Akpos: No problem. Just find out the price and let me
know. Joy: It’s #350,000. Akpos: Is it manual or automatic? Is it still in a good
shape, as in the engine. Have you checked the fuel
consumption too? Joy: Honey, its not a car oh, It’s a phone. Akpos: Phone?!!!!!!!!! !!!!! that means it will have a
fridge, generator set, plasma and a wardrobe, shey? Joy: Are you buying it or not? Akpos: Please I am not oh! I can’t! Joy: Helloooooo! Akpos: Hiiiiiiiii! Joy: Don’t even bother again. I’will call Alhaji to get
it for me this evening. Akpos: Better still, call the President, he will be faster. Joysad, crying): ‘I’m going to delete you. Akpos: Is your phone hanging, because I have deleted
you since you mentioned Porsche.

Akpos visited a friend fr0m a very rich family. The
following conversation ensued between Akpos and
the maid: MAID: What would u like to have, fruit juice, yogurt,
tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee? AKPOS: Tea please. MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold
tea,bush tea or green tea? AKPOS: Ceylon tea please. MAID: How do u want it, black or white? AKPOS: White. … MAID: Milk or fresh cream? AKPOS: Milk. MAID: Goat milk or cow milk? AKPOS: Cow’s milk. MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow? AKPOS: umm, let me go with the freezeland cow. MAID: Would u like it with sweetner, sugar or honey? AKPOS: Sugar MAID: Bee sugar or cane sugar? AKPOS: Cane sugar MAID: White, brown or yellow sugar? AKPOS: Ok, forget about the tea; just give me a glass
of water. MAID: Mineral, tap or distilled water? AKPOS: Mineral water. MAID: flavored or non flavored? AKPOS(ANGRY): In fact, get me an empty glass! MAID: Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne
flute or a beer mug? AKPOS: Oh, my God! Please leave me alone. I’ll
swallow my saliva.

A man entered a mosque carrying a brand new
smooth machette and asked “Who is a muslim
here?” The whole mosque went as silent as a grave yard.
The man asked again, “How can a full mosque have
no muslim?”. No one replied. The man then grabs the nearby young man and goes
out with him and tells him, “son come help me
slaughter my goat for I don’t know how to do it”. After the young man had slaughtered the goat, he
tells the man that he doesn’t know how to skin it
and that the man would have to go back to the
mosque and get someone else to help him on
that.The man returns to the mosque with a machete
dripping with blood. When the Imam saw this, he immediately shouts
“Praise the Looooooooord! The whole mosque
responds,”halleluyaaaah!!!”

Akpos was called for an interview by Chevron based
on his performance while working for shell. INTERVIEWER: What is your current pay at Shell and
what are you looking at with Chevron? AKPOS: N9m per annum plus medical and other
benefits. Considering the position here in Chevron,
I’d be looking at N20-22m per annum, a status car,
overseas vacation and medicals. INTERVIEWER: Today is your lucky day! The position
comes with N35m per annum salary, 2014 Range
Rover Sport as official car, Mercedes Benz S65 AMG as
status car, overseas medical treatment. A fully
furnished house here in lekki, health insurance for
your wife and children, 2 houses to be built for you in any town of your choice and in your village, annual
overseas vacation for you and your family fully-paid
first class, N2m wardrobe allowance per annum,
cook, steward and 2 drivers, country club
membership, and you’re entitled to keep all that the
company gives you if you put in just 3 years of service… AKPOS: (in bewildered excitement) HAAA!!!! Sir, you
must be joking!!! INTERVIEWER: Of course I’m joking! Were you not
the one that started it?

A Man stops Akpos’ taxi, entered it and said “Please turn off the radio for in the time of the
prophet, there was no radio and my religion decreed
that I should not listen to it especially the western
music.This is because they sing of their infidelity and
all,” the man said. Akpos Aturned off the radio, came down and opened
the door for the man and said, “In the time of the prophets, there was no car. So
please come down and wait for a camel.”

A bus is traveling from Accra to Wa. Akpos is sitting next to a woman who is trying to
breastfeed her baby. The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother
warns, “if you don’t suck, I shall give it to the man
next to me”. The baby still refuses. After about 3 hours, the woman repeats the threat:
“If you don’t suck, I shall give it to the man next to
me”. At this point, Akpos clears his throat and says,
“Look, madam, you better make up your mind. I
was supposed to get off at Kumasi (about two hours
back) , but because of you, I’m still in this bus.

Akpors buys a new Automatic BMW X6 sport. He
drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at
night the car just won’t move at all. He tries driving
the car at night for a week but still no luck. He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they sent
out a technician to him. The technician asks, “Sir, are
you sure you are using the right gears?” Full of anger Akpors replies, “You fool, idiot man,
how you could ask such a question, I’m not stupid! I
use D for the Day and N for the Night.”

Akpos who was a houseboy usually sneaks into his
Oga’s room, drinks his wine and adds water to top it
up. One day his Oga bought a new wine called
pasties, it was a french wine that changes colour if
water is added onto it. Akpos unaware of this,
sneaks into his Oga’s room, drank the new wine and added water on it. Immediately it started changing
colour.
Akpos: I am in trouble, big trouble. He ran to the
kitchen. Meanwhile, Oga and madam were sitted in
the parlour, while Akpos was in the kitchen.
… OGA: Akpos Akpos: Oga OGA: who drank my pasties?
No answer!
OGA: Akpos, who drank my pasties?.
No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw
Akpos there. OGA: Are you insane or what?. Why
when i call, you say “Oga” but when i ask you a question you
don’t
answer me.
Akpos: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don’t
understand anything, except your name. OGA: Is that
so?. Okay go to the parlour, stand beside madam and ask me a question while i stand here.
Akpos went and did what oga said.
Akpos: Ogaaaaaa
OGA: Yes Akpos
Akpos: Who goes into the maid’s bedroom when
madam is not at home?. No answer. Akpos: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, I say who dey
sneak enter the house girl room when madam no
dey house.
No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen. OGA:
Wonders shall never end. Akpos, it is true o, when one
is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one’s name.
MADAM: That’s not true. It’s a lie.
Akpos: Madam, do you want to be tested?
MADAM: Yes Akpos: Oya enter the kitchen
She enters. Akpos: Madam
MADAM: Yes Akpos Akpos: Who is Junior’s biological Father? Me or Oga
Madam rushed out of the kitchen MADAM: This
kitchen needs to be fumigated o, I can’t
understand anything at all.

An angry wife, Ekaite, speaks to her husband, Akpos
on phone: Ekaite: Where the hell are you? Akpos: Honey, you remember that Gold shop where
you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love
with it? Ekaite: (Relaxed)Yes, my king Akpos: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that
day and I said I would buy it for you one day? Ekaite: (Totally relaxed with a broad smile) Yes I
remember my love! Akpos: Good. I’m in a beer parlour next to that shop: Ekaite: Thunder fire you, mad man!

The students of Warri Grammar School went on
excursion to Egypt. On the tomb of Pharaoh was
written “1102BC”. The teacher now asked “who knows what this
means?” Nobody except Akpos raised his hand but
the teacher was not comfortable and pretended not to
take notice of him. She then asked again and yet only
Akpos’ hand was still up. So she allowed him to answer. Akpos said “Na
Pharaoh BB Pin be that”

Akpors’ father accompanied him to his school end-
of-year awards party.
As they sat watching amidst loud ovations, the
beneficiaries were called to the podium for their
awards.
The following conversation ensued: Announcer: Best student in sciences, the winner is
Inem.
Father: (Applauds and eyes Akpors scornfully) See
correct children!
Announcer: Best student in commercial studies; the
winner is Ajoke. Father: (Hisses and eyes Akpors) See correct children.
Announcer: Best student in Arts and the winner is
Helen.
Father: (fuming with anger) See correct children!!.
And so, all the awards were presented without any
going to Akpors. At the end of the event, they left and went to the car
park but as his dad got ready to start the car, the
engine refused to respond.
He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but
his efforts did not yield any response so they resorted
to pushing it. Just as they got to the exit of the school, the rickety car sparked up.
Exhausted and profusely sweating, Akpors rested on
the gate just as his mates were driving off with their
parents in
Hummer, Jeep, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley,
Lincoln Navigator, Range Rover and other exotic cars. All of a sudden, Akpors burst into laughter.
His puzzled father asked,’what’s so funny?’
Amidst teary eyes, Akpors responded, ‘SEE CORRECT
FATHERS!

Akpos’ WAEC result is Finally Out. The following
conversation ensued between he and his father: Papa Akpos: Akpos,I learnt your WAEC result is out.
Akpos: Daddy, you remember Arthur who used to
emerge first in our class at the end of every term ? he
failed. .
Papa Akpos: That’s terrible,what happened? Akpors: You also remember Izzy who used to tutor
me in the house? He failed too
Papa Akpos: what’s with the poor performance?
Akpos: Daddy I don’t know. That’s how it is.
Even Kelvin who won the Cowbell Science and Maths
competition failed. Papa Akpos: so how was your own result?
Akpos : You also remember Osas our senior prefect?
He failed too.
Papa Akpors: (Angrily) Boy, tell me about your own
result!!
Akpos : (angrily) If all those people failed, do you expect me to pass? Am I a wizard?

Papa: Papa Emeka is coming to collect d money i
owed him. When he comes, tell him i have traveled. U
hear??
Akpors: yes Papa.
Papa Emeka entered: Akpors where is ur father??
Akpors: he has travelled. Papa Emeka: when is he coming bak?
Akpors: wait, let me go and ask him?
(Akpors went inside, open d bak of d door and said):
Papa, papa Emeka said when are u coming bak??
Papa: tell him next week.
Akpors ran bak and said: Papa Emeka, my dady said i should tell u dat he wil be bak next week.
Papa Emeka: ok, go and tell him dat if he comes bak
next week, he should let me know.

AKPORS THE PSHYCO’S DOCTOR GIRL: I think I’m going mad. I called my boyfriend a
BASTARD. AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice
thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve
that? GIRL: Well, he kissed me. AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this? (The
psychiatrist kissed the girl) GIRL: …… Yes! AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call
him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top. AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
(The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top) GIRL: Yes! AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call
him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he took my clothes off. AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
(The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes) GIRL: Yes! AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call
him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he had sex with me! AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
(The psychiatrist had sex with the girl) GIRL: .Yes! AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call
him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS. AKPORS PSYCHIATRIST:
BASTARDDDDDD!!!!! BASTARDDDDD!!!!!
BASTARDDDDDD!!!!!! BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Rainy Night, Akpors was
walking down a Muddy
road, when a Slow moving car
came and stopped
near Him,
without Hesitation, akpors opened its door and Sat on
the Co-Driver’s seat..
The Car started Moving Slowly,
looking at The Driver’s Seat, there
was No driver, Akpors became Soo
afraid.. Just as He was trying to recover
from the shock, A
hand pooped from Outside and
Started controling
the steering wheel,.
Akpors Became Really afraid, And Frozed on His
Seat,, he started Praying for His Life..
Just as he was praying, the slow
Moving car
approached a Corner, wondering
What will happen, again the Hand pooped in from
outside And
Steered
the Car Round the Corner….
Now Akpors became Really
afraid,Gathered all his strength, opened the Door, and Fell
outside, woke
up, Ran to a Late night Restuarant
and Ordered a
Hot Drink, sat on one Corner and
Try to recover From the shock..
As He was having His Drink, two
guys with mud all
over entered the Restuarant and
Ordered a Drink..
One Of them said, “Look at that
in the Corner,
He Is the One who Entered In the
Car While we
were Pushing it…!

A girl invited her boyfriend
(Akpos) over for dinner in her
house so he could meet her
parents. While they were eating, it
started raining heavily, so the girls
mother said; “Akpos, i think you should sleep over here because
the rain shows no sign of
stopping anytime soon” After
eating, the mom went to the
toilet and the father went to
sleep while the girl went to the kitchen to clean the plates. When
the girl and her mother returned
to the sitting room, Akpos was
not there, they checked
all over the house and did not
find him. As they were wondering what happened to him, he
walked back into the house,
really soaked and with a plastic
bag.
Girl’s mother: Where were you
and why are you so wet? Akpos: I went home to get my
pyjamas ma!

A lawyer at a court defending akpos accused of
stealing said; my client put only his right hand into the
window and removed a few things. His right hand is
not himself, i can’t see how you will punish the
whole individual for an offence committed by his right
hand. The Judge said; ok, using your logic, i hereby sentence
the accused’s right hand to one
year imprisonment. He can accompany it, or not, as he
chooses. Immediately, Akpors smiled, removed his artificial
right hand, laid it on the table and walked out of the
courtroom.

loooool i like ur jokes

Mamacita007: loooool i like ur jokes

you are welcome

Boss: Take this #150,000, go to
computer village and buy me a
quality laptop with a big RAM
Akpors: Okay sir!
Akpors didn’t return after two
days, so his boss decided to reach him on phone.
Boss: Hello, Akpors, what kept
you long?
Akpors: The RAM
Boss: The RAM? How do you
mean? Where are you now? Akpors: I’m on my way back from
Kano sir.
Boss: Kano?
Akpors: Yes Kano. I bought the
Laptop at Ikeja but I traveled to
Kano to buy the big RAM. Boss: Oh my God!
Akpors(got angry): Oh my wetin?
Oga, no tear eye for me o. I be
small pickin? No be Laptop and
big ram you send me?

Akpos, a driver who survived in a tragic accident
which rendered 50 people dead at Lagos-Ibadan
Express Way was remanded in police custody to
assist in police investigation. Here is the Interrogation:
POLICE: Mr Akpos, how did you end up killing 50
people?
AKPOS: I was driving at 150km/hr when I saw two
men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding
was taking place. I hit the brake but it failed, so I had to make a choice; either hit the two men or run into
the wedding party.
POLICE: Hit the two men of course to reduce
Casualties!
AKPOS: Exactly, we think alike oooh! But after hitting
one, the other man escaped into the wedding party. POLICE: So, what did you do?
AKPOS: I went after him to balance the equation…But
unfortunately, people lost their lives in the process.

Akpos checked into a hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the mail to a
widow who had just returned from her husband’s
funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor and saw the
computer screen which read: “To my loving wife, I
know you are surprised to hear from me, they have
computers here and we are allowed to send mails to
loved ones. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but
I’m lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival
tomorrow. I’m expecting you, darling. I can’t wait
to see u!

A lady with big boobs entered a bus.
She has a rosary around her neck
with the cross between her boobs. Akpos
was sitting beside her and couldn’t
help staring. The lady knowing
Akpos has been staring for over 15mins then asked “Are you looking at Jesus
Christ who died on the cross?
Akpos replied: No! Am actually
looking at the two thieves beside
him…

Mrsanity1: nice jokes

Thanks for your kind words

vizboy:

Thanks for your kind words

am lovin this

Lols. I don laf tire. Nice jokes