These are genuine extracts from letters sent to a council
housing office. There are double entendres galore but the
senders wrote their words in all innocence.


Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:
"He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can't take it any more."


Problems with the garden foilage:
"My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it"


Noisy neighbours:
"... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his
balls against my fence."


"I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's
now getting too much for me."


"I am a single woman living in a downstairs
apartment and would you please do something about
the noise made by the man on top of me every night."


Dangerous paths:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly;
then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."


"Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now
she is pregnant."


Repairs needed:
Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.


"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction."


Often in life we send people the wrong message or
messages without realising we are doing so.

Here are some classic examples from good old British broadcasting:
1. Michael Buerk, as he watched Phillippa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
2. Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
on 'This Morning': "She was practising fastest finger first on her
own in bed last night."
3. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."
4. Carenza Lewis, about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team Live', said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
5. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and hadn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" (The weatherman and half the crew were so helpless with laughter they had to leave the set.)
6. Our best source, as ever, is the sports programme... Bobby
Simpson, commenting on cricketer Neil Fairbrother's shot: "With his
lovely soft hands, he just tossed it off."
7. Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets."
8. Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on
World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now."
9. 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
10. Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
11. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open (an old favourite):
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself."
12. James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
13. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
14. Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for
a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."
15. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....
Oh my god, what have I just said?!"
16. Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
17. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 (the
most famous of all?): "Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
18. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
19. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!"
Hope you enjoyed them guys.

1. I phoned my boss and told him I was sick.
“I’ll see you here at 9″, he said and hung up.
I f*cking hate working for a doctor.
2. “I’ve got the skin of a 20 year old”, said woman to her husband.
“You better give it back”, her husband replied, “You’re getting it all wrinkled.”
3. The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed
a familiar face at the bar.
“Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “that
guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I
left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates
that much!”
4. I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend when, all
of a sudden, I got down on one knee.
“Oh Kevin,” she cried. “I can’t believe this is
happening!”
“Shut the Bleep up,” I said, peering over the table.
“My wife’s just walked in.”
5. As we stripped off and jumped into the bed my
girlfriend said to me, “Can you give me a minute?”
“Why? Want to freshen up?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “Its just that last time you only
gave me 30 seconds.”
6. I saw my new neighbour in his garden pulling out
the ‘For Sale’ sign.
“Nice to meet you,” he said. “I’m Mohammed.”
“I’ll take that sign if you don’t need it,” I replied.
7. I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for
over an hour now and I’m getting pissed off.
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?’
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it
makes me start again.
8. “Very little scares me,” said my new girlfriend
“Great,” I thought to myself, “She’s going to be
terrified when she sees my d*ck.”
7. TEACHER: Johnny, what are you doing under your desk?
JOHNNY: Didn’t you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and hide?
8. A girl I met invited me over to her house and said
she would like to make me a curry.
“I wouldn’t thank you for it,” I said.
“Why?” She replied. “Don’t you like Indian food?”
“I love it,” I responded. “I’m just an impolite bastard.”