So months after everybody has watched Maleficent and has pronounced it mediocre work minus Angelina Jolie (who I really should marry), I finally settled in with a bowl of garri (popcorn ke?) to watch the latest defilement (or is it defilation – English suck at times) of a fairy tale by Hollywood. And I must say that if Angelina Jolie (forthwith to be referred to as my wife) was not in that movie, it would probably be one of the most boring things at Nigerian cinemas since Noah. Here are four reasons why I think Maleficent has some pretty retarded characters:



1. The Three Fairies Are The Worst Godparents Ever: The three good fairy godparents have always been included in the sleeping beauty story so it was only natural that they were included in Maleficent. So when the scriptwriter (or whoever is in charge of these things) decided to have characters for comic relief, the three fairies ended up being the victims of artistic decisions.

Having put that out of the way, I would like to say that if those three were charged with my upbringing, I would have them all jailed at my sixteenth birthday. For goodness sakes, from the time they were handed the baby Aurora till the end of the movie theirs was one tale of crass incompetence after the other. First on arrival at the cottage, they forget the princess while hustling to get inside. Then while arguing about who did what, the princess almost gets herself the most eye catching view of the valley when she almost walked right of the edge of a cliff but for Maleficent’s sudden change of heart (that I could see coming from a mile). I could understand the fact that they had problems bringing up a baby but after nearly sixteen years to still be completely incompetent…..clearly King Stephan accepted the wrong CV for surrogate parents.

Added to that is the fact that, for fairies with magical powers, they can’t tell that Maleficent is nearly always around. At one point they left a baby who is under red alert danger imposed by the king himself BESIDE A FREAKING OPEN WINDOW! A Nigerian kidnapper could have easily picked the child out from the window without a van or jazz of any kind and walked away, whistling to send a ransom note from around the corner via text message. Those three could have managed to kill her all by themselves before she even turned three and the fact that she somehow managed to live beyond 10 is completely beyond me.





2. Aurora seems pretty permanently high: Now when the fairy godmothers were pronouncing their gifts, I’m sure they meant good things. Not that the princess would grow up to be like a perpetually high hippie at a weed convention. I don’t want to know how happy anyone can be at any time; I don’t think they can have that kind of smile permanently pasted on their face. Didn’t her cheeks hurt? The girl was just laughing at everything like nothing was happening. In fact, the only times she wasn’t laughing was when she wanted to tell her Godmothers she was leaving home (a scene that would have made more sense if she was a suddenly pregnant teenager), when she confronted Maleficent and the final battle (that had way more venom than was deserving of the movie).

Remember that scene where she woke up in the moors – the dark, forbidding moors that would make most of us crap in our pants if we woke up there. This high on dry plantain leaf princess didn’t take up to five seconds to start laughing and prancing about like Davido on a concert stage. She didn’t ask herself three questions we would have asked ourselves – how did I get here?, am I safe? And where can I get fresh underwear? And she is supposed to be normal?

I would like to think the actual gifts the fairy godmothers gave her was that she would smoke pot. Pleeeenty of pot.





3. King Stephan is also a pretty bad father: What would be your reaction if, on your child’s naming ceremony, a witch suddenly appears and curses your child to die on her sixteenth birthday? If your answer is to give the child to a pastor who you are just seeing for the very first time in your life, then welcome to King Stephan’s School Of Thought For Dumbass Parents.

I dunno if I was the only one that caught that but it struck me as the fairies carted Aurora to a cottage in the forest that King Stephan had just given his only daughter away to fairies to take care of for sixteen years. I mean, how did he know he could trust them. The could be Maleficent’s minions posing as good fairies – the fact that they all act like tiny imbeciles doesn’t make them automatically good.

And wouldn’t such a threat make most parents want to keep an even closer eye on their child? Like keeping her within sight at all times? (I mean, when someone threatens my child’s life like that, all bets on privacy are off). This wise King on the other hand, thought it fit to send his daughter faaar away from where he can safely keep an eye on her. With the three most retarded fairies ever. Who does that?

Oh, yes. King Stephan.


http://ridiculouslynigerian.gidicentral.com/2014/09/11/why-maleficent-has-some-petty-retarded-characters/

Hahaha...I'm yet to see the movie but this piece cracked me up. I'll make sure to llok out for this "flaws" when I finally do. Awesome write-up as usual.

I watched it and it was as boring as fúck! They all had different accents and it riled me.

Sebon...(whatever,your name is too long sha),but I do love your analysis,though I haven't seen it yet,I get it.but with Angelina Jolie in there,I don't mind being bored.

Very boring movie with a wack storyline.

Jolie as maleficent? Isn't she too old for that role! Just think loud tho.

Ah yeah, the characters were boring, Jolie was well Jolie and the princess has a beautiful innocence. The fairies were imbecilic I agree and the king was stupid.

But I liked the twist, which was kinda expected since Frozen happened to fairytales .

Funny analysis as always.

Sometimes we over analyse these fictional stories. For goodness sake its a freaking story not the life history of a kingdom! The three fairy Godmothers it all the Sleeping Beauty stories were not very "competent" as you put it because I can't imagine why in a fictional universe 3 vs 1 still ends up with the princess in deep sleep. Point is you either enjoy the story as it is or you don't. Analysing every character's actions is just unnecessary work. Anyway you are writer so maybe is your type of work.