Sleeplessness visit me every night
Wish I could hold it longer but no avail
Pondering about the gorgeous her
Obliviousness but seems I'm in it again

You have conquered me and take me your hostage
Your feelings bewitch me
I think of you always a study
Wake and sleep every day with your thought
Lest you become mine, I can't rest

I'm in a pain of your love
I derive pleasure from this
No right personality could fill in but you
The special abode in my heart

It seems early but I need to speak
To your hearing Of my heart desires
To your seeing how engrossedly I'm in it
I seek nothing but your heart



© Benebaby77

This poem has a great concept. The grammar and punctuation stop it from reaching its potential. Let me know if you want help with that.

texanomaly:
This poem has a great concept. The grammar and punctuation stop it from reaching its potential. Let me know if you want help with that.

Yes mah, I want a help on it. you can remove it or add anything that will make it better. Thanks ma

You used repetition in your poem. I don't believe you used it to full advantage. Repetition can be used to emphasize the idea that your love is hopeless, but using hopeless, a hopeless lover is overkill.

Helpless and hopeless makes us see more clearly what you are feeling. Then repeating it over and over emphasizes the emotion.

It is untitled. You've missed another opertunity to emphasize the hopelessness you feel, or is the title the same as the thread title?

Cc. laykorn




I stare into the dark
Day and night.
Deep in thought,
Strapped,
And in a pensive mood.
I think of you.
Trapped!
A hopeless lover.

Our stolen kiss,
My first,
Lingers on my lips.
The taste of your bud
The taste of a miss.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

The brush of our skin,
Still tingles my loins.
Couture of your elegance,
Coys my realms,
Catch my breath.
Pose with me.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

I caress your design.
I behold your gait.
The watchman's whistle whirls.
Past midnight.
It was all a dream.
I remain helpless,
A hopeless lover.

At Peak of dawn,
I run to the pavement,
To watch your steps,
Hand in hand with your gent.
I watch, helpless.
A hopeless lover.


I know I can't have you.
Join my realm
And be my beloved
In my dreams.
Helpless.
A hopeless lover.

Helpless me, destined to be,
A hopeless lover.

Thanks. texanomaly

I just want to write something that's why. I will try to do better next time.

benebaby77:
Thanks. texanomaly

I just want to write something that's why. I will try to do better next time.

You did great! You are on your way to being an excellent poet. I'm impressed.

texanomaly:
You used repetition in your poem. I don't believe you used it to full advantage. Repetition can be used to emphasize the idea that your love is hopeless, but using hopeless, a hopeless lover is overkill.

Helpless and hopeless makes us see more clearly what you are feeling. Then repeating it over and over emphasizes the emotion.

It is untitled. You've missed another opertunity to emphasize the hopelessness you feel, or is the title the same as the thread title?

Cc. laykorn



Check Veralaw's poem:

I stare into the dark
Day and night.
Deep in thought,
Strapped,
And in a pensive mood.
I think of you.
Trapped!
A hopeless lover.

Our stolen kiss,
My first,
Lingers on my lips.
The taste of your bud
The taste of a miss.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

The brush of our skin,
Still tingles my loins.
Couture of your elegance,
Coys my realms,
Catch my breath.
Pose with me.
I am helpless.
A hopeless lover.

I caress your design.
I behold your gait.
The watchman's whistle whirls.
Past midnight.
It was all a dream.
I remain helpless,
A hopeless lover.

At Peak of dawn,
I run to the pavement,
To watch your steps,
Hand in hand with your gent.
I watch, helpless.
A hopeless lover.


I know I can't have you.
Join my realm
And be my beloved
In my dreams.
Helpless.
A hopeless lover.

Helpless me, destined to be,
A hopeless lover.

Ma'm,please I would appreciate if you had used her poem for this correction than using mine..

Veralaw:

Ma'm,please I would appreciate if you had used her poem for this correction than using mine..

Oops. So sorry. There are too many people wanting help. I got them mixed up. Please forgive me.

benebaby77:


Hello Veralaw, abeg no vex jare. She used it to illustrate how a poem should be. you can see that I didn't emend it to your work but the tittle. I just want to learn how to write a flawless yet amazing poem.

So sorry. That was not meant for you. I have to many poems hitting me at once. So sorry again. I either need to be more careful or give up on helping.

texanomaly:


Oops. So sorry. There are too many people wanting help. I got them mixed up. Please forgive me.

It's okay