I took a step back and took it all in. I liked the one with the eagle, it was calm and confident. the other paintings were really bright and screamed “I’m trying real hard to be happy”. It didn’t really matter, they served their purpose. I just couldn’t stand the hideous cracks in the wall.
Mask it!
That was always my strategy, but the cracks never disappeared. They sat behind the painting growing deeper and stronger. they took control of my house while i put wall papers over them and finally, they brought down my house.

Temi used to say “forgive and forget”, “the past is in the past”, “a problem shared….” blah blah…
I believed her.
But what happened to those cracks behind the paintings? Those scars that just wouldn’t heal and those mistakes you can not undo with a hundred good deeds.

I thought it was all “in the past”.

It was 2nd September 2006, I remember cos i had just turned 21. Kizi and I had been dating for 3 years and I feared I loved him too much. He would forget everything about me, my birthdays, exam dates, appointments, anniversaries, it was almost like he didn’t care. it made me sad because he remembered the birthdays of random female “friends”. he would say to me “today is kemi’s birthday o, you remember my friend kemi now, i have to get her something, what do you think we should get?” and i will grudgingly and stupidly think up gifts. Besides that, Kizi loved me and he was almost perfect.

So there i was on my 21st birthday. Kizi was in Lagos and I was stuck in Calabar serving my country. He called me that morning, we had one of our phone fights and that was it. No birthday wishes, no texts, no surprise cakes. Nothing.

Chike was the best friend a girl could have. He spoilt me. He never forgot anything about me and he cared almost too much.

It was 3 p.m., i had a very annoying day at CDS and i still hadn’t heard a word from kizi. Chike bought me a cake and a lovely dress, took me home, cooked me rice and fried fish, invited a few of my friends and we had a lovely get together.

6 p.m.
The guests had all left. Chike and I were clearing up. I didn’t have wine but that was the last thing i remembered before i heard someone unlock the doors to my room. Only one person had the keys.
My back stilled, I couldn’t move.
I was on top so I had my back to the door but i could tell it was him, I heard the bags drop and then his voice “Adanna?”

He had taken the last flight after work to surprise me and his gifts were overwhelming.

I cried, i apologized, he forgave me.

After that day, i became the perfect girlfriend, i complained less, ignored the flirtatious calls and messages, ignored calls from strange girls telling me to stay away from “their man” and I loved him diligently. We became closer than ever. He suddenly remembered every date that was important to me and even though he was always too busy to be there, I understood.

For 4 additional years, we were happy. I smiled away all the pain. forgave all his “mistakes” and stood by him as he stood by me.

I sat on my bed, my shoulders rocking with sobs, clutching the tear stained wedding IV that said “Kizi Weds Kemi” and the little note I found in the envelope with the words:

Ada,

Thanks for an amazing 7 years, you can bring Chike

As i read those words over again, I realized that for 4 years I had been hanging paintings on a cracked wall.

I had to forgive myself.

wow...amazing


I'm in-hook, line and sinker.

Beneath My Pretty Dress...... Continuation of paintings on the wall.



I held his hand in mine, stroking it gently. He looked so pale and fragile and his hands had grown cold. I wanted to be there for him, to feel his hands grow weak, to watch his eyes close and kiss his lips when he breathed his last. The doctor said it could be any minute now. I was patient, i needed to be there.

He was trying to say something… He squeezed my palm and looked straight into my eyes. I knew that look, he didn’t wanna die. Tears filled my eyes, my chest was heavy and the lump in my throat kept rising.

I remembered, like it was yesterday.

Three years had passed before I finally got the courage to start dating again. Segun gave me that courage.

There were whispers about a certain client of ours, the words were: smart, confident, charming and disturbingly handsome. I was in my “no men” phase, but when I finally met him, i couldn’t deny the words were true.

I didn’t care. I wanted to die alone. She was all I had and I liked it that way.

He was persistent, he was charming and exactly 18 months after he gave me a lift, fixed my car and got me those m & m nuts I love so much, I had my colleagues at my desk reeling over my beautiful 64 carat engagement ring.

Someone was bound to break those walls anyway. I had never been happier.

We were the perfect couple. He was tall, handsome and amazing and I… Could fit into his pocket. We could hardly be apart. Long work trips were made up with endless phone and skype conversations. He would take me to “hang out with the boys” saying “i like it when they ask me ‘how you take land this chick abeg?'” he called me “beautiful” ALWAYS. I loved him and he loved me beyond words.

I don’t know which came first; the late nights, the hushed phone calls, the sudden work trips to places with no network, the undersized silk bra in my underwear drawer, the online lingerie orders that never got to me or the dark patches i had to hide with make up and sun glasses. Either way, I knew it was over.

I lay on the bed, my body aching all over, my ears still ringing. I couldn’t really hear Dr Okoye but from the look on his face i could tell what he was saying. I lost the baby… again. Segun squeezed my hand gently, stroked my hair and whispered softly in my ear “Take a hint, the world doesn’t want our baby”. I smiled sweetly.

You see, i was going to start over, love and be loved, forgive and forget, but somehow, those were all cliches made up by people who were never truly and deeply hurt.

He squeezed my wrist, the sound of his breath broke my thoughts. His eyes where hollow. i could see his soul was leaving his body. I brushed my hand gently across his forehead and whispered softly into his ears “I’m pregnant”. His body stilled, I could see the shock in his eyes as I kissed his last breath away.

I stood before the mirror, my eyes still sore and swollen, I could hardly read the inscription on the bottle, but i was grateful to the pharmacist. It worked, Segun was gone. I turned the bottle over and watched the drugs go down the drain.

She was sleeping soundly, I didn’t know how to tell her. I reached into my wardrobe for my old shoe box, my heart beat faster as i opened it. I ran my fingers over the names printed on the cream colored IV, I could still see the maps of my 9 year old tear drops. I brought out the note and read it again.

Ada,

Thanks for an amazing 7 years….

Memories.

I held the white paper to my chest as I lay in bed beside her. It was time. He would come to me. He would come for her.

I closed my eyes. Segun had finally revealed the ugly underwear beneath my pretty dress.

To be Continued…


http://ubercliq.com/thread/beneath-my-pretty-dress/

Beneath My Cold Heart......episode 3

I sat in the familiar visitors lounge. The walls where a warm yellow with a shade of grey. The ugly wooden crafts and bright colored paintings still adorned the walls and the ceramic pot that held the synthetic pines sat where it did nine years ago.
Nothing had changed.
I looked at my wrist watch for the umpteenth time and glanced towards the skinny dark secretary.
Okay… She was new.
I could tell she was irritated by the tapping of my foot on the marble floor. I didn’t care, I was nervous.
The phone on her desk rang. She spoke slowly and quietly too, but i could tell she was talking about me. She picked up the pad were i had scribbled my name and read it out. A few “Okays” then she hung up and signaled for me to go in. My heart stopped, my feet wobbled, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this.I clutched my bag tightly, like it gave me the strength I needed, then I lifted my chin and walked into his office.
His eyes flashed with surprise then confusion and finally settled for a look I had never seen before.
“You are not…”
“Yinka? No am not”
“How did you…?”
“I have my ways”
“Adanna, I don’t know what to….”
“Can I at least sit?” I was acting all in control while my nerves rattled like jelly beans in a jar.
I sat opposite him taking in every inch of his face. Age hadn’t been too kind. He looked much older. I wanted to speak but i din’t know were to begin.
“how have you been?” he asked.
The awkward feeling in the room was almost visible. He continuously rearranged the papers on his desk in a way that said “make this quick i’m busy”.
I smiled. He had no idea how much of his time I was willing to take.
I told him how my life soared after he left, how happy I was. Then I told him about Segun and how he constantly abused me until his death. My eyes filled with tears.
I talked for over an hour while Kizzy stared in silence, he was almost sorry for me. I could see the sadness in his eyes, the longing, the desire to hold me…
“I’m getting a divorce” he said. Now that was a side of the story I never planned for. My jaw dropped in shock. there was a tingle of excitement in the pit of my stomach but I knew it wasn’t enough. I had to be the one to make him suffer. I expressed my apologies for his divorce and rose to take my leave. Kizzy jumped up from his seat, reached across the table and grabbed my arm.
“Adanna wait!” I turned, his misty eyes catching mine “why did you come?”
My skin suddenly burned, his hands were cold but still, my body was on fire. I placed my hand gently over his and took his hand off my arm.
“To tell you I forgive you”. I said and I walked away again.
“Ada please stop!” My hand lingered on the handle of the door. I turned again and he was behind me, so close i could feel his breath on my forehead. “can I see you again?”
I had to keep my cool, I couldn’t tell him about her just yet. “Why?”
“There’s a lot I still need to tell you and I don’t know where to begin”
“I don’t wanna hear it, you had…” My voice trailed off, my heart beat faster, he was too close and my back was already putting a dent in the door.
“Please just hear me out”

“Fine!” I reached into my bag, pulled out my card and pressed into his right palm before slamming the door behind me.
The wind dried the tears that flowed down my cheeks. 9 years! and he thought he could just take it all away with the touch of his hands. Who did he think he was?
My heart ached. I couldn’t let him unearth the feelings I had long buried. No. I was here for something else.

http://ubercliq.com/thread/beneath-my-cold-heart/

Black Pebbles 1( episode 4)
I stared blankly into the bottomless red sea before me, Chapman wasn’t really my drink, but I had ordered it anyway. The shrimps were almost tasteless and the rice was a little too spicy. I guess they were trying to achieve a balance. When kizzy called asking me to dinner for the fourth time that week, I was out of excuses. He sounded desperate and I was hungry, so I said yes. He suggested Yellow Chilli and impulsively the words “Not there please” crept into my throat. I was glad I didn’t let them out.

Kizzy and I had created unforgettable memories in Yellow Chilli; we made promises over traditional dishes, kissed between continental meals and shared a lot of laughter in drinks. His office was a few blocks away, so whenever I was in town he took me there and I loved the food. He knew I had a sense of emotional connection to the place and saying “No” would simply give him the impression I was running away from nostalgia. I wasn’t ready to make him believe I still cared. Not yet.

“So what’s she like?” I spoke first, after exactly 17 minutes and 28 seconds of silence.
“Who?”
“Kemi. That’s her name right?”
“Oh…yes” “So?” “She is a good woman” “Arrgh… come on, 9 years married to the lady and that’s all she gets?”
he shifted uneasily in his chair
“why do you want to divorce her anyway? I asked
“I don’t want to”
I raised my brow questioningly
“She asked for a divorce”
There was a spark in my eyes. The bitch! First she steals my man and then she steals my right to make his life miserable. “You still love her don’t you?”
He rubbed his forehead and heaved a long sigh. “I don’t know anymore”
“So why is she leaving you?”
“She thinks I’m in love with someone else and I’m probably seeing the person”
“Are you?”
“I would never do that to her”
Sting! Yeah yeah, I got the “I’m not you” beneath his words “So why would she think so?”
Kizzy paused and I stared intensely, reminding him I was expecting an answer
“We haven’t had sex in 28 months”
I couldn’t help it. I was choking and the drink had to leave my mouth.
“What?!” He had to be joking “Tell me you are cheating on her please”
“I’m not”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Are you sick?”
“I’m perfectly fine”
“You think?” I shook my head in dismay “Now I see how you got the grand-dad look”
Kizzy smiled. He still hadn’t lost his boyish grin. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had a lot of questions but I could tell he wasn’t prepared to answer any.

We talked for hours. He tried not too get too comfortable while I tried not to seem to pushy. He told me about his kids. There were two of them. “two men” he called them. He said Kemi was a good woman, he never really said he loved her. “We had good times” he said “she is a good mother” I was tired of talking about Kemi, but somehow, our conversations always came back to her.
I could see Kizzy was unhappy and even though we both refused to say it, I knew he still loved her. I hated her.

Black pebbles!

I could see them clearly. They started out as water droplets, and suddenly, the words came out:
“I have a daughter” I wasn’t sure if it was time to play this card but I had stopped thinking
“Really?” there was a glowing sensation in his eyes. He smiled, ” I uhhh… I don’t know but I’m having mixed feelings right now”
Why? Did he know something? Was he sad cos he wanted me? Did he know she…?
“I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you do, but knowing you are raising a kid on your own and the little girl has lost her dad is just…” his voice trailed off.
oh… That.
“I always wanted a girl, you know”
I nodded cos I didn’t trust myself to speak. The black pebbles where falling again.
“how old is she?”
Oh no! this was it “Nine” there was a new confidence in my voice.
It took a while but his eyebrows finally went up in sudden realization.
“Nine?”
I nodded again
“She is not his is she?”
I shook my head
“Is she…?”
My gaze fell beneath the table settling on the tight knots my fingers had formed. Kizzy pushed himself off the chair, threw the napkin on the table and stormed out.
I was confused. Was he upset?
I watched him walk away, he suddenly stopped and came back towards me. There was fire in his eyes. He signaled the waiter to bring the bill, counted out a series of 1000 Naira notes and placed them in bill. Then he turned to me his voice husky yet shrill
“Nine years? Ada! You kept this from me for nine years? You haven’t changed at all have you?”
“What?!” I blinked in disbelief. Was he putting this on me? He was on his way out again.

I couldn’t believe it. My head was dizzy, I could feel my heart trying to break through my rib cage.
The rage…
I couldn’t move.

I could hear them, I could see them; the black pebbles were falling again. And suddenly, I realized why they had come.

How could I forget?

I picked up the knife from the table and cut a deep scar in my palm and as my blood filled my hand the black pebbles slowly turned red.

I smiled through the salty tears on my lips, I wasn’t here to fall in love again.
http://ubercliq.com/thread/black-pebbles-1/

Black Pebbles 2

Two weeks had passed since kizzy stormed out on our date. He had called me a zillion times to say he was sorry. He even showed up at my office a few times bearing gifts, but I was bent on making him grovel. “You are taking this thing too far babe” Temi said to me. She had no idea how far I was willing to go.
I finally forgave him.
We started hanging out every Saturday, then every Friday and Saturday then we included Wednesdays. We talked on the phone for hours, made jokes about our relationship, our breakup and how petty he was to dump me the way he did. Every time we were together, he asked me about Nkem (our daughter) and told me how eager he was to meet her. I finally decided it was time. Nkem loved him. I didn’t tell her who he was or why she was supposed to meet him, but as I watched them play, talk and laugh, I had a feeling she already knew. The connection was simply natural.
Kemi forgave her husband, if there was anything to forgive. She told him she still loved him and was willing to make things work, right before she made love to him on the kitchen floor. How do I know? Well, Kizzy and I had become that close or so he thought.
“She was right you know” he said while we watched Just go with it in my living room.
“About?”
“I was cheating”
My eyes widened “Now we are talking!, I knew he couldn’t just sit at home for 2 years” I got up and sat next to him “So… spill”
“No he was home, I didn’t sleep with any one” Kizzy turned and looked into my eyes, he placed his palm on my bare thigh, dropped his glass and held my right palm. His touch was warm, the room was suddenly so hot and my tongue was dry. I was too scared to move, I couldn’t even swallow saliva for fear of ruining the moment.
“I may have married Kemi, but I never stopped loving you”
Stop! Please! My body was on fire

continued here http://ubercliq.com/thread/black-pebbles-2/