LETTER TO MY UNKNOWN WIFE - PART 1.

© - ⓓⓨⓞⓤⓝⓖⓢⓣⓐⓡ - ®




I wish I could marry one of the pretty damsels in this forum called NL.


If you know you are the one, this letter is for you and don't waste time to present yourself.


If you feel your sister is the one, please don't hesitate to inform her.


What God has joined together, don't put asunder.


Mr. Seun Osewa you need to look into this matter.


I will call for the complete database of the pretty ladies in here.


Straight to the matter.

---

Hello honey,

It's unbelievable that till this moment i've not known you, life could be funny you know?


To say you exist and could be even withing my reach yet I can't recognise you.


I am writing you this letter because of how i've been feeling lately.


I can't sleep peacefully again, anytime I close my eyes on my bed to rest, i'll hear the lullaby of your sweet melodious voice singing into my heart, behold, as I open my eyes to catch a glimpse of you; what I would see is my pillow lying next to me probably laughing at my insane behavior.


I remember the last time I dreamt I was kissing you only for me to wake up and found I was licking my pillow. Oh! Poor pillow.


Once I fell into a ditch in the full glare of thousand passers-by for lustfully looking at a beautiful damsel attentively, I wished that day never existed because after that day rumors started flying and fingers pointing at me whenever I passed the streets.


There are things I wish I could let you know, since I don't know you. Perhaps by chance you might have seen or know me which I don't know.


If you are reading this letter please try and take note of these point I want to make.


I have very high penchant for tall, not too slim and not too fat ladies with very aggressive attacking strikers in the front and highly offensive defenders at the back.


Please if you don't have that start working towards getting it because tic-tac say the clock.


Never forget also to add these special skills as they are paramount to increasing my affection wrapped in attention for you.


1. You have to acquire the skill of cooking.


2. Learn to socialize.


3. Be learned, wise and sound in general knowledge.


4. If you are religious, then learn to pray well.


5. You have to learn to love my family members.


6. Tolerate my friends when they come around.


7. Know the right time to perch around me and ask for favour as I may be busy at times planning how to make money or working.


8. You have to be very strong in bed and know all the available styles as I won't be having time to tutor you on styles when my libido is high.


9. Play all the leagues you wish to play now because after our union you will quit any form of league and focus only on our local bedroom league.


10. When am working no distractions because if you do i'll leave the house for you and sojourn elsewhere.


11. When you see ladies calling me don't pick my calls unless I ask you to, if you do no problem but don't complain. Same applies to text messages, emails, BBM, Whatsapp, Facebook, twitter, Flickr, linkedin, nairaland etc.


12. Please in everything you do remember this rule: whenever it's time for football don't ever disturb me with unnecessary issues like honey, come and take your bath, eat your food, help me hold junior etc. (Leagues include premier and champions league).


No interruption, in fact I will buy you another television in the bedroom so you can watch all your soap operas while I am watching my soccer games.


My friends might come around to watch with me, if you have strength to make them meal you do, if you don't, you serve them drinks.

I won't be marrying you as anybody's cook.


13. Have this at the back of your mind: if your parents charge me excessively for your bride price that will end your link with them, as it means I purchased you outright.


14. No uninvited family members, in other words I reserve the right to know about their coming before their arrival, no impromptu visit.


15. Please whatever plans you have for our wedding let it be affordable except your father or mother has money to support. E.g asoebi, food, drinks, location and rest.

16. Please no house girl for two reasons:
A. Treating my children like the video of that Ugandan house help.

B. Seduction - let's remove the hand of monkey from our soup now there's time before it turns to human hand.


To recap the above list.


Please try and package yourself well, don't give away all the food meant for me for the pleasures of this world.


Like i mentioned earlier, I like boobs but not Cossy Orjiakor kind. No be pillow I dey find na bobby, I get pillow.


Inasmuch as I wouldn't want to to give out my properties being a jealous human that I am. It will be selfish of me to deny you that pleasure, but please handle my oil well with care.


When the fool is drilling it, tell him to take caution not to bore numerous unwanted holes in addition.


Make sure his drilling beat is straight and forward in order not to cause degradation and create more access routes (Apian way)


Make sure the fool wears raincoats always and don't let him drill when there's intense cold.


I am only letting you do this for the experience.


You might want to ask, why you? What about me?


I tell you dear, every human has his strong and weak points.


I am not near perfection but I work hard not to have reasons to regret afterwards.


I have dabbled into so many things that either worked or didn't, one of which is relationship; I have dated quite a number of ladies some started and ended well while others started but didn't end well; not my fault though, because I try as much as possible to respect every woman no matter who she is.


What I don't do is go against their wishes, and I guess they wanted to part ways which I heeded to.


To Further prove this, here's the message I sent to one of them when she started misbehaving:

---

I sat alone all day with no one but me.

Nothing got done but very few tears were shed.

When you came near I sensed what no one else could see.

My love was very alive yet my faith was dead.

Our us has been broken but there is still a ‘we’

As you walk by all I can feel is the way your heart bled.

The lock to our hearts has broken but we still hold the key.

I’m happy we are over, I could take no more.


We will both miss our presence but I am filled with joy.

The love we gave was not enough
Our ‘us’ was put to rest but we didn’t destroy it.

It hurts to say goodbye and it’s going pretty rough but my smile keeps growing, no longer is it a decoy.

This pain is my reassuring joy.


Hope you now understand what I mean?

---

And to you Mr. Caretaker


I appreciate your efforts to making sure my wife is taken care of well but please I am prostrating for you, don't drill her with force and recklessness.


You know women na, fish brains, she may think its enjoyment not knowing your plans.


Also, please don't pee inside the oil well be it in soft liquid or thick liquid form, biko ejim chukwu na ayo gi (I am begging you with God please) you know she might be foolish during the drilling process.


Always remember to drill in your field attire (raincoats) more importantly, don't spank her, don't pressure the two frontal attacking strikers too much for sagging sake. I don't want Mercy Johnson's kind of boobs.


One thing again please, when drilling and she cries: spank me, thrust harder, bang me, oh oh oh oh, please give it to me. Don't give her oooo, biko don't listen to her she's just a child passing through juvenile delinquencies.


She has no knowledge of what those words mean, please, I am your fellow man oooo consider me biko.


Thank you very much.


I will stop here, to continue in part two.



Yours
ⓓⓨⓞⓤⓝⓖⓢⓣⓐⓡ™

---

©©
All My beloved friends.
Mhizizzy(f), Merlissa(f), rubey(f), stuff46, jessiecah(f), Sparkle777(f), Zara09(f), ToyozzieTohBad(f), trevolady(f), Fellycutie(f), thatgurlvixen(f), cocoberry(f), sweettease(f), Airforce1(m), TheFilmmaker, Naijasinglegirl, Princessderaa(f), ellechrystal(f), pinkycute(f), Ifeann(f), Sapphire06(f), misstique(f), cococandy(f), Glamrock(f), teeghurl(f), JosephMNJ(m), Shawdey(f), simonhabby(m), Nubreeze, dame29(f), TI1919(m), peteruuu(m), saaedlee, LooKseeFar, kayceerilyn(f), sexyseun(f), sinaj(f), pretydiva(f), Sleekyshuga(f), prettythicksme(f), angelTI(f), SweetyZinta(f), (f), DeeCherry(f), almostFamous(f), urchbarbie(f), Blebleswag(f), itsphumbieee(f), helen4(f), wealthygem(f), Fraih(f), Beamborla(f), zainyola(f), softysparky(f), mirexxx(f), debrihachi(f), gilgal7(f), OkuDiOver1(f), Ohibenemma(m), starbhooy(m), ChikaSunday(m), Mattkent(m), JulietAKK(f), laykorn, neily(f), vivaciouzz(f), elantraceey(f), babyfun(f), Trypa(f), LillyAnne(f), Juliaann(f), EroticAngelina(f), AfricanApple(f), Cutesexy1(f), Harrychocoberry(m), Wikidraw, pureIvory(f), vonn(f), Obinnau(m), EzePromoe, Nimen(m), prof800(m), spywareczar(m), Extom(m), killjoy(m), firstEVA(f), bishopofsoul(m), Bluestarry(m), OMA4U(m), safarigirl(f), Ciela(f), Abosi31(m), Ezekielosahon(m), Ignyte(m), theSpark(m), writinganimal(m), Hidentity(m), XeniaOnatopp, standd(f), Omolola1(f), priscasmart(f), 360prince(m), Kruzykidt(m), MidieMeliss(f), drcynthia(f), Dorisbest(f), ebiagtales, omoshelwa(f), Calismart(m), candy(f), handie(m), KingzPen(m), Flakkydagirl, 2scorehigh(m), D9ty7(m), ghostwritter(m), TemitopeDaniel(m), Bluemosquito(m), DanWrites(m), Slickest(m), ZUBY77(m), repogirl(f), rapmike(m), DaDevin(m), marioking(m), AudreyTimms(f), whitemosquito(f), daveP(m), ESIXLOVE, Queenxstar(f), stefikal(f), DOMAWOLEYE(m), Cuddlemii, DEllaluv(f), TiffanyJ(f), Royver(m), Lucentbeauty(f), yemi2plus(m), Therock5555(m), senbonzakurakageyoshi, Neduzze5(m), princesa(f), chistar01(m), kayemjay(m), Sapphire86(f), MaziOmenuko, free2ryhme, alleviate2002us(m), adegwurulez(m), Clemzy16(m), frank317, Redmosquito(m), Mynd44, Uniquexty(f), FoxyRebirth(m), Dygeasy(m), noble4d(m), Ishilove, BukkyDan(f), glowingscenes(f), oyestephen(m), VanTee20(m), HumbledbYGrace, thedareafolabi(m), Ghyft(f), LarrySun(m), PrettySpicey(f), pasionate(m), Man4LordJesus, SammyHoe(m), ortopazz(m), noeloge

---

winnona(f), Janeify(f), ritababe(f), heryettymama, Trypa(f), Les(f), missstella(f), Mprex(f), jennylove7575(f), onosj(f), evegran(f), Neroanna(f), ebube89(m), jenyna, desdichando(m), dahmine(f), wizkris(f), blueeyes1, Babafaros(m), Titiluvly(f), chidekings(m), BarnabasCo, onuwaje(m), olufummy02, eraly(m), kennygee(f), DocAdray(f), yhermmie(f), Shugajay(m), Chidinmaorizu(f), dagentility(f), immortalvoices(m), Xtarxhyne(f), cocoberry(f), FruityLass(f), farano(f), BaddieKay(f), haruna1970(m), Lovebond34(m), yeloyhemzy(f), CwazyBlaqGal(f), Nemsy(f), joeanointing(m), emmabest2000(m), NickiRoman(f), QweenMercy(f), Dramadiddy(m), ijebabe, luxanne(f)

---

If your name is mentioned twice don't feel too special na copy and paste cause am.

Well said! , your point is duly noted.

WTF

Hilarious yet on point!