INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Demetry cuddled aroung Dotun while they both stare unattentively at the television set, the tv makes indistinct chatter as a man cracks away uneccesray jokes that doesnt catch the attention of either of them.

Dotun adjust himself for a second, forcing Demetry to follow suit, worry is etched over his face as silence continues to ravage the room.

Dotun relieves himself from his slouching position sitting upward and adjusting Demetry's head carefully on his lap, Demetry rises forcibly.Dotun stares boldly in her eyes, she returns the gaze.

DOTUN
Marry Me
Demetry widens her eyes in awe with a questioning look, Beat.

DOTUN (CONT'D)
Marry me?

DEMETRY
Why?
Dotun takes her hand drawing her closer to him, he elevates her chin so their eyes meet but with more sincerity this time, he pushes a gulp down his throat.

DOTUN
Marry me because....



CUT TO:
EXT - TRAFFIC - DAY
The road is packed in all ways possible, cars ill-arranged as a result of hasty driving. A traffic officer tries earnestly to lessen the traffic. Loud irritating sounds of horn follow each other incessantly.

A man in a picanto sticks his head out yelling to the honda right in front of him. Two men dressed officially at the far front get into a heated argument. Camera pans around the road and stops on a prado stuck in the traffic, push through glass its Demetry and Dotun.


CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

DOTUN
You are the best thing that happened to me

Dotun plants a kiss on her forehead, camera shifts to tv, we see the man still chanting.

EXT - ROAD -
Dotun steps out of his car, his neatly polished shoe glittering in the sun, he positions his collar rightly then blows a sharp deafening whistle.

CUT TO:
INT - ROOM - NIGHT
The room is in partial darkness, the blue bulb lit by the corner doesn't do much of enhancement to its view, a tiny table can be seen at the edge and right above it a counterfeit Monalisa portrait.

The camera moves through the darkness to the bed where loud moans protrude from, no faces seen...the loud sound of a cloth being ripped engages the room as a lady moans loudly.
http://uncircumcisedwriter..com/2015/02/a-scene-from-my-script-like.html

No vex oh but if the intention of this excerpt was to tantalize your audience, I am sorry it didn't work. I would have thought your CUT TOs would be somewhat linked CLEARLY.

Even your first description could be better, I am no expert perhaps villageboi would give a better input. It's been a while I have forgotten most of how to write a screenplay.


What of The TV is ON. DEMETRY, 25, slim light skinned female dressed casually in a light flowing gown CUDDLES DOTUN, 32 dark heavyset male, dressed in shorts. Both are SEATED on a sofa, staring distractedly at the television

Thanks luv...
@op..pay attention to what she wrote n go do ur homework..

Good a thing you have forgotten" its a scene not an intro! So therefore by now the audience are full aware of what she looks like and her age, you don't keep describing that!
Secondly if you know the least bit thing bout modern writing then of course you know writers no longer describe outfits for the characters as its limiting to production.
Thanks for your input tho!

Of course, it is several scenes not a scene. But for us it was the beginning...we were not privy to other parts. And you didn't need to latch on the 'I've forgotten' statement, the internet isn't dead and my works are still intact.

Secondly if you know the least bit thing bout modern writing then of course you know writers no longer describe outfits for the characters as its limiting to production

I beg to differ. What is modern and what is ancient?
These details will be used to describe your characters and their actions. When the protagonist, antagonist, and important supporting characters first appear in your script, a brief description of each of them is needed.

This description can be as short as one sentence, but it should provide key information about physical appearance and personality. This description always appears before the character speaks for the first time.

Basic descriptive points that may be part of a character introduction include the character's name, age, sex, general physical appearance, clothing style, personality characteristics or mannerisms, and anything that uniquely defines the character.

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Tips/Characteristics/characteristics.html

Also you might need to go through http://www.storysense.com/format/description.htm 


The one thing I know for sure is to be descriptive enough because it is going to be visual but not to give camera directions....that is the modern writing I know. Have a good day

dghostwriter:
Good a thing you have forgotten" its a scene not an intro! So therefore by now the audience are full aware of what she looks like and her age, you don't keep describing that!
Secondly if you know the least bit thing bout modern writing then of course you know writers no longer describe outfits for the characters as its limiting to production.
Thanks for your input tho!

Enoquin:
Of course, it is several scenes not a scene. But for us it was the beginning...we were not privy to other parts. And you didn't need to latch on the 'I've forgotten' statement, the internet isn't dead and my works are still intact.

Secondly if you know the least bit thing bout modern writing then of course you know writers no longer describe outfits for the characters as its limiting to production

I beg to differ. What is modern and what is ancient?
These details will be used to describe your characters and their actions. When the protagonist, antagonist, and important supporting characters first appear in your script, a brief description of each of them is needed.

This description can be as short as one sentence, but it should provide key information about physical appearance and personality. This description always appears before the character speaks for the first time.

Basic descriptive points that may be part of a character introduction include the character's name, age, sex, general physical appearance, clothing style, personality characteristics or mannerisms, and anything that uniquely defines the character.

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Tips/Characteristics/characteristics.html

Also you might need to go through http://www.storysense.com/format/description.htm 


The one thing I know for sure is to be descriptive enough because it is going to be visual but not to give camera directions....that is the modern writing I know. Have a good day

Like I said, this is a scene and not their first appearance....I made that clear in the topic and in my response too

What I want to know is what happened with the traffic stuff? Na who (or what) Dotun dey whistle to when him commot for the car? Na that interest me.

VillageBoi:
What I want to know is what happened with the traffic stuff? Na who (or what) Dotun dey whistle to when him commot for the car? Na that interest me.

Lol I'm to humbled by the fact that you might have even glanced....its an excerpt and he married her in the traffic, I basically just did this draft with my tab so its incomplete.

dghostwriter:


Lol I'm to humbled by the fact that you might have even glanced....its an excerpt and he married her in the traffic, I basically just did this draft with my tab so its incomplete.

Ah ha... that totally makes sense! I was wondering why inter-cut the 'proposal with 'traffic'... now that's pretty good. Nice one.

.

The script looks promising.
After all, it is just an excerpt.
I love the way you wrote the traffic scene.
Kudos.


But forgive me for poking my nose into an hint of your story. Marrying your babe in traffic smells of high end 21st century pop culture. A type of culture that is not Nigerian and is not yet performable in Nigeria.
Though I don't know the setting of the story but we don't want another "flower girl" movie where our audience will start screaming, "Lai lai, this no fit happen for naija. This na forming oyinbo things".

.