Marriage like any other relationship is never
perfect. Even the best of marriages tumble. Most
experts agree that the key to a successful and
loving marriage is hard work, commitment and
constant re-evaluation of our expectations in
addition to how we communicate. Sounds easy
enough, but in reality, it's easier saying than
doing.
Speaking to a few marriage therapists and Muslim
counselors, I asked them what they noticed to be
the most common niggly issues that couples face.
Of course, there were more complex problems like
infidelity and drugs, but other top issues might be
surprising.
1. I Love You…Now Change- This seems to be one
of the biggest issues most couples face. Spouses
so often try to change the other to a version that
they would love more. The very qualities that were
cute in the beginning turn into something that
causes much resentment and contempt.
If you married a slob, he will not automatically
change into a neat and orderly person because
you want him to.The only person you can change
is you. The best you can do is changing your
response.
Read More:
A Happy Marriage Makes a Healthy Family (Folder)
Improving Communication Between Muslim
Spouses
Ten Tips for Better Intimacy Between Spouses
2. Talking VS Communicating- The most common
misconception threatening marriage is that couples
mistakenly believe that talking means
communicating, that is, whenever they engage in
talking, they believe they are communicating.
Voicing our complaints, criticism and emotional
blackmail are not tools of communication. Learn to
express your feelings with assertiveness and not
from a point of complaint and criticism. This will
help protect your marriage at a later stage.
Effective communication means we listen and we
are willing to see the world through the eyes of our
partners, and not only our own. If we listen as well
as we speak, real connecting would take care of
itself.
3. Time Management- Modern lifestyle equals
stressful lifestyle. Time is of the essence and many
couples do not manage their time efficiently.
Couples are pulled in all directions on a day-to-
day basis except towards each other.
Quality time even if it is just five minutes a day, is
an essential requirement of marriage. Couples
need to regularly re-evaluate their relationship in a
gentle and honest manner, if only just to know
whether they are on the same page or not.
4. Intimacy- Nadirah Angail, author and therapist
from nadirahangail.com believes that lack of
intimacy is a major issue in Muslim marriages.
“Sex is only a small part of intimacy’’, she says. It
is more about being fully engaged as a couple.
Staying connected on every level. Spiritually,
mentally, physically and emotionally. Most couples
constantly face an uphill battle to keep the spark
alive. Intimacy is not a goal that couple should
seek but rather a journey, which lasts throughout
marriage.
5. Turned Focus - The most frequent issue men
seem to have is that the focus of the wife changes
when the couple have children. It often leads to the
husband feeling inadequate and neglected which in
turn, leads to lack of intimacy. Couples also allow
technology to interfere with their relationship; this
is quite rampant with people texting at dinner,
surfing the Internet in the evenings and using their
smart phones constantly.
Most issues in a marriage can arise from a
partner’s unwillingness to forgive each other. In
marital life, forgiveness should be unconditional.
As a result, the focus on each other is shifted.
Sitting next to your partner with your own tablets
does not equate to quality time.
6. Money, Money, Money - Money is a huge issue.
Marriages can often survive infidelity but money
issues can be a dissolver of the marital union
universally. Nadirah maintains that this issue is not
uncommon in the Muslim household. It can be way
at times for the insecure man to control the
woman. In a two-income household, there is often
resentment felt for the partner who earns more.
This often leads to unhealthy competition.
7. Forgive Me; Honey - Forgiveness should come
easy to a relationship based on mutual love. Not
so for a majority of couples according to the
experts. Unwillingness to forgive for minor offences
(i.e. not unpacking the dishwasher, leaving clothes
lying around) and major issues (i.e. accumulating
debt) can affect negatively on a relationship. Most
issues in a marriage can arise from a partner’s
unwillingness to forgive each other. In marital life,
forgiveness should be unconditional.
8. Lack of Appreciation- When appreciation is low,
conflict is high. Lack of appreciation is often the
root cause of infidelity in marriage. Couples tend to
take their partner for granted. They mistakenly
believe they will always be there. When two people
feel 100% validated and appreciated by their
partner, there is little room for conflict.
9. Emotional Affairs- Islamic Care line, a
counseling service for couples in South Africa has
seen a major rise in emotional affairs with the
advancement of technology. These affairs are
usually not about sex, but more an emotional
intimacy shared with someone else rather than the
partner.
Learning to trust and be emotionally healed after
these types of affairs can be incredibly difficult.
Couples face a huge uphill battle, and it can be
avoided if the partner learned to express their
feelings and needs to their significant other.
10. Power Struggles - Anisa Moosa, a social worker
at Islamic Care line finds this to be huge issue in
marriages as couples compete even spiritually to
be on top of the relationship. Each partner tries to
outdo the other and this can have disastrous effect
if the couples do not know when or how to toe the
line.
When winning and being right becomes more
important than having a loving union then the
victory is often hollow and short lived.
Relationships are complicated and couples’
circumstances are unique. Although these are
certainly not all of the relationship troubles that
can befall us, they are the most common ones,
which seem to be reported. Always invest in your
relationship and be grateful that Allah has
bestowed you with a beloved partner in this world.

Source: onislam.net

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