When I Become President - Literature - Nairaland
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| When I Become President by Nobody: 12:10am On Mar 14, 2015 |
Lately I have been thinking, I want to become president of this country, but I don’t know shit about politics and the politricks of politics. All the politicians in their round shapes are performing card tricks with naira notes “This next trick is called Chop My Money. See this Ghana-must-go containing 2billion naira? I will make it disappear in my mouth….without a trace” Whoom!! And it’s all gone. They amaze us like Chris Angels, we are so awed we don’t know what to do. I am unemployed, with a certificate. I want Chris Angels to turn a blank piece of paper into a job offer with Sea Shell and some cash. I want to be amazed. Shittu is always talking about the forthcoming elections. He says that the campaign rallies are the most ‘fruitful’part of the whole affair. He is showing me a picture on his phone, of him and the bags of rice, vegetable oil and branded ankaras, given to him by the two top contesting parties. He is a staunch believer in stomach infrastructure. Shittu is a policeman, and the only company I have when my other friends are at work. We always drink small Fanta at mama Nkechi’s buka, because we can’t afford small stout. Shittu says that ‘buisness’ at the checkpoints is not going well, if not he would be the one buying me a drink. Maybe it would be good if he stays at his post for once. Shittu has made up his mind. He is not voting for Seargent General because he said he will remove all the checkpoints. Its Dr. Lucky Charm for him all the way. He asks who I’m voting for, I give him the usual answer: “I’m not voting for anyone until I become president” He laughs at me. His laughter sounds like sand paper. He should use that to smoothen his face. I want to become president so that I and others would have jobs. I want to become president because of people like officer Shittu, so that he will work his ass out for his salary. I want to perform magic like Chris Angels when I become president. “Can you see this big bag of money? I will throw it in the air and it will appear in your wallets!” And everyone will be amazed. Time has gone and Ife has come to pick me up as usual. She has a job, and I don’t have a job…talk less of a chance with her. Everything would change, when I become president. WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT I Tunmise ® 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:12am On Mar 14, 2015 |
caricature-cartoon-sketch-portrait-drawing-nicholas-sarkozy-bling-bling-president-france-husband-of-carla-bruni Lately, everyone has been asking me if it’s true that I want to become president. I tell them yes. But how can I take responsibility of a whole nation when I can’t even sort myself out? Ife and I are talking on the phone, nothing serious: “Sooo Ife, how have you been?” … “I’ve been okay. How about you? Oh! That reminds me, I saw your post on Facebook yesterday, funny” “Which one are you talking about?” “Don’t pretend. The one about you wanting to become president. It was okay though” “Thanks.” “But do you actually want to become president?” “Yeah. And I’m going to be very wicked. So I’m advising you not to vote me now, if you want to enjoy. There will be no court trials, just flogging, no matter how old you are” “Ha ha ha. You’re very crazy” At this moment I want to tell Ife that I am in fact crazy. I am crazy about her. That I am crazily in love with her. But I would sound crazier if I told her. Ife has made me ‘very crazy’. “You’re not serious. So how was your day……..” Ife says she wants a ‘God fearing’ man for a relationship. The same way everyone wants a God fearing president. I am a God fearing man. In fact I fear everything. I fear dogs, exams, guns terrorists, women……..I fear a broken heart. Everybody is expressing their fears. Dr Lucky Charm fears the country might run out of ‘luck if he doesn’t win the election. Sergeant General Fears Dr Lucky Charm might declare a “no-shoes-day” holiday if he doesn’t win. Shittu fears that he might not get any goodies this year because the political parties are trying to change for the better. I fear what I would be come, when I become president. I fear I wouldn’t be me. They say Dr Lucky Charm doesn’t have the iron hand to rule a nation. They say Sergeant General has no certificate. Me, I have no credit to call Ife back. When I Become President 2 Tunmise® |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:13am On Mar 14, 2015 |
Lately, I have been talking to God. I have been talking to Him about my presidential ambition. He hasn’t said anything yet and I’m dying of impatience. I wish God was on social networks. It would be so much easier to communicate with Him. So I’m trying to write my manifesto on facebook. My manifesto, not promises. I’m not even sure I know the difference between the two of them. Here I go: When I am elected president, discipline would be the order of the day. No more noncha…lant attitude towards life. Criminals and lawbreakers will be flogged before getting any trial at all, even for something as little as disobeying the traffic light. Our youths will no longer be wayward. No more “sugar daddy syndrome”. No more smoking and prostitution. I will kick against indiscipline like football. I will make sure our finances are well accounted for. You people would have to register every naira note you or earn or spend….no more beggy beggy like “beglina”*. Make your own money. If you don’t register it, your money is invalid and not fit for spending. I will also ban the sale of Ghana-Must-Go bags….they are bad for our economy. Anybody found with such bags will be flogged. There will be fewer ministerial positions as all other positions will be occupied by my able self…to reduce the risk of embezzling money. No political office holder must be above 65 years. You either retire or get flogged. Security is not a problem, food would be equally rationed……..together we can make a difference!! I can feel the tempo of the voice in my thoughts rising, the crowd in my mind Is cheering loudly as I sing into the megaphone: “Winner oh oh oh winner! Winner oh oh oh winner! Peter Umaru you don win oh Winner, pata pata you go win forever winner!” And all the female supporters would be shaking their bum bum. Obama could not have felt any better. I know why I want to be president now, I know what I want to do when I become president. Lately , I’ve been talking to God. I’ve been talking to Him about my presidential ambition. He sent me a message on facebook. He has been reading my posts, and he said I should tell you that I am going to become your president. WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT 3 |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:17am On Mar 14, 2015 |
Lately, Ife’s status messages on facebook and whatsapp have been filled with a heavy dose of melancholy. I think its because of the valentines day syndrome. I can tell she is in a state of emotional distress. She is sounding hurt, like her love for someone isn’t being reciprocated. She sounds like her heart is breaking. Someone is breaking Ife’s heart. Ife and i are talking on the phone. She says she has something to tell me and its really important: “If its that important,… why cant you say it now?” “I can’t, its….its.” “It’s something stupid? Okay text it to me later” “Sure. So I’m having this get together after valentine’s, Peter you have to come. And don’t ask why it’s after valentines” Ife’s text is torturing my heart. I have never been so bothered by a text message I haven’t even received. I am afraid. But its only human to fear what we don’t know. I’m at Ife’s place and there is no party, only what should have been a party. Ife isn’t happy that no one has come. I say: “Maybe they found their ‘true love’ and decided to spend time with them” “Yeah right, true love my foot” She is on her knee on the floor and staring at the wall like every brick contains an answer to her questions. Why did I throw this party? Where is everybody? What is love? What the Bleep is true love? “I don’t know….” I say. “What do you mean by I don’t know, I didn’t say anything?” “You must have been thinking out loud then” “So what is love? when do you know that you love someone?” “Again, I still don’t know” “How would you know when all you think about is when you become president” “Soo is this what you wanted to tell me? And I’m guessing its related to your mood lately” “Yeah and yeah. I know its stupid. I met a guy. Actually I have known him for a while now. I think I like him, I really do…but he doesn’t even act like he notices me…I try my best to call him but he doesn’t even….why are you smiling at me like that? I told you tis was stupid.” “No its not” “You know what’s funny? I usually mock him behind his back because he is short sighted…blind as a bat. But I thought being short sighted meant you could see what was right in front of you clearly.” “Awww” “Don’t do that, you’re making me feel all squishy squashy and soft. And that your post on facebook about you loving me like crazy, was that a joke or did you mean it?…answer sincerely” “C’mon, I was just joking. Can’t I use your name in a story again. What’s even there if I love you?” “Ummm..because we are too close for that” I have often heard of what they call the friend zone, but I have never been this close to it. The pedestal has been swept off my feet and I’m falling like a pack of cards. I’m hurt and my mood has melancholia written all over it. But my heart is breaking…Ife is breaking my heart. Because right now, at this moment, the only thing between Ife and I is a plate of Suya. WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT 4 Tunmise® |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:20am On Mar 14, 2015 |
Sometimes I wish I was 10 years old again, where responsibility was just another big word to spell during spelling lessons. I wouldn’t even have to know the meaning. The only meaning of responsiblity i knew was being head boy or head girl…or any prefect at all. I’m not 10 years old, and I have to take responsibility for my downcast countenance I think I’m feeling this way because Ife broke my heart. Okay, she didn’t. I threw my heart at her when she wasnt looking and it la…nded on concrete, shattering into pieces like fine china. I guess I just don’t want to accept responsibility for breaking my own heart. To be honest, I wish love and its entire concept weren’t as complex as it is. I wish I was ten years old again, where I would know that a girl was my soul mate if she was the only one pursuing me when we are playing “catcher catcher”: “catcher catcher are you ready? Ready for what?…..” We would run and run and run to an open field, tired and out of our breaths. We would lay down on the lush grass and ask if we received any of the love letters we sent to one another. We would reach out and hold each others hands. But i’m grown up now and i’m reaching out for ife’s heart, maybe if i can touch it like the hem of Jesus’ garment all will be well. But i’m just reaching out to nothingness. I’m starting to think ten year olds have a better understanding of love. I’ve been telling everyone that I want to become president. Everyone thinks its for the normal reasons; to fight corruption, kill terrorists, provide jobs, a stable economy. Thats the lie I tell myself. I want to become president because of me. I dont have a job, but I will have one when I’m president. I dont have money now, but I will have when i become president. I dont have airtime to call……whoever, but I will have when i become president. I wish I was ten years old again, where we all thought being president was just a title, where my class teacher seemed to be the one to choose who would become president; “In this class i see presidents, first ladies, govenors, doctors. Who wants to become president of Nigeria?” “Uncle I! Uncle I! Uncle I….” “you will all become presidnt in Jesus’ name!!” And we would shout and shout and shout our Amens, with our eyes shut so tight till we see the outburst of colours in the darkness of our eyelids…..that was the sign of answered prayers. I wish i was 10 years old all over again. I would run outside and dance in the rain, moving with the current of the wind, i would chase every drop of rain. The rain must cleanse all of my sins, doubts, misconceptions and responsibilities. It would wash me clean like River Jordan and I would drown myself in its baptismal power. I still want to become president…..your 10 year old president. WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT 5 Tunmise®[color=#006600][/color] |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:21am On Mar 14, 2015 |
All rights reserved, no part of this publication may be duplicated or reproduced without acknowledging the writer (tunmise) |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:41am On Mar 14, 2015 |
crislyn bibie01 olanipekuntomi seunviju sebak onosj larrysun danwrites domawoleye Thronekid, D9ty7, Tiffanyj, helenbee, teebashy, prettydiva89, fatalveli, harjibolar10, fembleez1, stuff46, Divepen, cybershow, Tattesco, Ali1king, kingphilip, onemansquad, tecno4life, bluestarry, jefferyjamez, slap1, chinweblinkz, supermartin, ishilove, pweetidamsel, jeanfortune, jaymomma, vibra, almacherich, marynneka, trusted, Shadowbean Abimbawealth, emarkson, Hiroshize, jhimmy, UnknownT, laykorn, kenwins, iceberylin, Ollyfad, AnnbabyHot, debonairprinx, rondo235, MzNelly, toykathy, Champele, aprilwise, Meel unique27, MrsGoodness, Lionize, MhizTemmie, AlienStar, Theorbiter, Ionprince, princesssusan, Susrite, Glowstone, bigwig97, Missmossy, ruffhandu, may3 Tomkhalifa52, okeyfineboy, kechywillz, folake25, tescoleps, teamplayey, ethereal, unlimitedbosco, PrinceGozie, Yudeeaikay, pelontus, justicesky24, Psalmwise, mariamferanmi, qloreal, onosj, Rahma26, Kayleb37, Mutaino7, kwencypresh, lawrenzo007, Tobilastik, yettielicious, eunisam, Athanatos, usmanspihn, hassan85, princesa, kiddyking, fam24, moshood1993, handmaid, missterious, kingphilip, kenwins, SexySapphire, Princesschi, Niwdog, Suspect33, Visionaire, Bunsky, laykorn, emitheo, alabig, marioking 1 Like |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:43am On Mar 14, 2015 |
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| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 7:51am On Mar 14, 2015 |
This is very well written, funny as well as epic. Did you write this? And why does it sound like you're making reference to the past? Lol, I must admit the title put me off. It isn't very endearing. But reading the contents....wow! |
| Re: When I Become President by stuff46(m): 8:53am On Mar 14, 2015 |
The true defination of what every God fearing lad have in mind. This is really great. So deep. Thanks for sharing, mods please do the needful |
| Re: When I Become President by Cybershow(m): 9:40am On Mar 14, 2015 |
mrryon:oh i dn show o.... U av a nyc piece kip it comin |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 11:15am On Mar 14, 2015 |
MzNelly: Na I didnt. It was written by a room mate (Tunmise). But you can get my works if you click on my username. Just one of the things we do with my room mate when we are bored, Covenant University can be really boring on week days. |
| Re: When I Become President by DOMAWOLEYE(m): 11:33am On Mar 14, 2015 |
Cybershow: nice concept! Powerful delivery. Well done |
| Re: When I Become President by Cybershow(m): 12:17pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
DOMAWOLEYE:na so oooooooooooooo |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 12:25pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
mrryon: I like it, i really do. You school at CU? Nice |
| Re: When I Become President by Psalmwise(m): 1:26pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
Mrryon wat typ of story structure is dis cos I dnt gerit..., Looks lik a poem novel Which typ of style is dis Asin...,dis Awesome I need to get a cooler of beans and value bread Damn dis story is gbosa #Bread and beans is here PSALMWISE(kingest) & PRETTYDIVA89(queeniest) THEJOLLYGOODFELLOWs Are here |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 5:35pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
Psalmwise:am here also |
| Re: When I Become President by Psalmwise(m): 5:58pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
prettydiva89:ooo days true.. lemme go and modify where ever d kingest is..my queeniest is everly present  |
| Re: When I Become President by princesssusan(f): 6:08pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
Really nyc |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 7:08pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
, |
| Re: When I Become President by kwencypresh(f): 8:28pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
mrryon: Always here Keep it coming dear |
| Re: When I Become President by kwencypresh(f): 8:29pm On Mar 14, 2015 |
mrryon: m here Keep it comin hun |
| Re: When I Become President by Fatalveli(m): 7:00am On Mar 15, 2015 |
Nice write-up b bro..... may God make you the president |
| Re: When I Become President by Nobody: 7:09am On Mar 15, 2015 |
mrryon:Starring! |
| Re: When I Become President by harjibolar10(m): 12:39pm On Mar 15, 2015 |
mrryon:Just become president naa ooo I don present ooo |
| Re: When I Become President by Fembleez1(m): 7:44pm On Mar 15, 2015 |
be right back, thanks for the invite.  @Op |
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