Men, Go Within! - Family

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Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 12:10pm On Oct 02, 2015

Dear reader about domestic violence. A lady (that I deeply admire) made an update on her Facebook wall because of some shocking observations that she had made about abuse in marriages and asked 3 questions:

What are the likeliest cause of domestic violence??
What are some of the triggers that could cause a partner to be violent?
What is it That women do that earn them beating??

A lot of answers were given as to the causes and triggers of domestic violence which included: Insubordination, disloyalty, exposing sensitive secrets, putting the kids at risk and so on

The answers given piqued my curiosity and after a time of meditation, I have decided to lend my voice to this issue further through this medium. Please note that these are purely my thoughts and are not intended to be all-encompassing. And also note that though this article will be focused on women as the victims of domestic violence, in no way am I implying that domestic violence perpetration is a male exclusive thing. There are men who are victims of domestic violence as well .

Now with that said, I am of the opinion that the issue of domestic violence is an internal one. I have a saying that all hurt and healing begin and end within. The reason for this thinking is because if we look for the causes of abuse on the outside, we will never stop looking and the abuse continues. One husband beats his wife because she spoke rudely to him and then we declare “All women should not speak rudely to their husbands in order to avoid abuse”. What happens next is that another woman gets beaten NOT for speaking rudely to her husband but because she was using his phone at a point. So we again declare “Women should not use their husband’s phones to avoid abuse” and then ANOTHER incident pops up where a woman is beaten for kissing her husband with morning breath! Rinse and repeat and the abuse goes on

I see this as lacking because in my opinion, ANYTHING can be a cause of domestic violence as long as the perpetrator (and victim) remain unaware of what is going on internally. Eckhart Toile calls this being “unconscious”. Let me give a somewhat related personal example. I remember that years back, one of my Saturday morning chores was to brush the living room floor and more often than not, while I was doing it my grandma would be in the living room and being the loving woman she is, as I was doing so she would gently point out certain spots that I had missed. I noticed back then that whenever she did the above I would feel irritation and anger flare up in me (though I managed to hide it at the time) it continued for a while until one day after reading a book that had a chapter on internal awareness I started asking myself questions as to why I kept feeling that way. I came to realize that the anger I felt towards my grandma for her help with my chore was rooted in a belief of incompetence. Somehow or another I had come to believe that I was a naturally incompetent person who could do nothing right and believing that, my world view was painted with a continual reminder of my “lack” (truly we see the world as we are) and I found myself lashing out at every reminder. This realization and the subsequent truth that I was NOT incompetent did away with the root of the anger. Now imagine that in a marital context and you might see a small picture of how abuse begins and ends.

So here is my counsel (if you choose to accept it) Man know thyself

Emotional intelligence is a most ignored trait in society (and I think in my Nation today). A fixation on the outward has left us utterly unaware of what goes on “behind the scenes” and it is high time that we as men go within and truly see ourselves. No matter who we are (or who we are connected to), we are not slaves to the egos of another. We are all responsible for our own actions (and despite what we have been told, violence is NOT the response needed for marriage issues) Man go within. Look inside. We have all grown up in various dysfunctional systems and unwittingly imbibed beliefs that are inimical to our progress and detrimental to our relationships. There is no shame in this. The real shame is accepting it as the norm. NO! There is much better. So let us go within. Yes it can be scary to “face our demons” but one thing that I have found most helpful is realizing that we are not our “issues’. We are not our “flaws”. Every single one of us is made in the image and likeness of Love. So let us go within and in prayer, meditation or counselling truly see what is making us “tick”.

You need this

Your woman needs you to do this

Your family needs you to do this

https://wordsmithf./

4 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:11pm On Oct 02, 2015

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 12:12pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:16pm On Oct 02, 2015

MizMyColi:

itz not funny faaaa! undecided

I hate it when I see men beat up their woman!
Where I reside in school, it happens day in
day out and I do ask, ''why cant this woman just
leave''? but I guess itz cos of the children. But
she eventually left and was api for her. Then the
stupid man now became a single father! WAH A SHAME! lipsrsealed

Itz a nice writeup thou wink

1 Like

Re: Men, Go Within! by Tallesty1(m): 12:20pm On Oct 02, 2015

.......... So I think the best thing to do now is to divorce her. I can't take it anymore. He concluded.

And for like 40 minutes i was lost in thought. I gazed into the river that is flowing in front of us but there was nothing there to talk about. What should I say to him now. I asked myself. Even bible itself acknowledges that it's terrible to live with a nagging wife?

"Your wife realy have a bad tongue" I said. Just to break the silence and hopefuly get something to talk about "But there wouldn't be much problem if you control your anger"

"Do you think it is that easy? I laugh when people tell me that I need to be counselled on anger management when they know there wouldn't be a need for that if she behaves accordingly"

"what do I say to him" I asked myself again. I looked at the stones we each sat on but there was no answer there. Just then I looked at the river again and noticed that a herd of cattle has started crossing through the river.
As a result, the water became very muddy. I told him to go and get me a drink.

”The water in the lake is very muddy. I don’t think it is suitable to drink, Let's go home if your are thirsty.”

"No, lets stay a little longer. I'm not very thirsty".

After a while, I again asked him to go back to the river and get me some water. This annoyed him a bit. But he didnt know i was looking for a story that will help me to help him.

He obediently went back to the lake. This time he found that the mud had settled down and the water was clean so he collected some for us to drink.

I looked at the water and then looked up at my friend and said, “See what it takes to make the water clean. You let it be and the mud settled down on its own. It is also the same with your mind. When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time and it will settle down on its own.” if the words she is saying are disturbing you then give her space. Visit a friend and come back when her blood is calm. If you think she is purposly doing that then try to make sure she doesn't succed by giving her positive response. Act like you are un-aware of her bad character. She wasn't like that when you married her right?

No; she wasn't

Tame her then, pray for her, let her hear when you tell God about her nagging. help her the best way you can to become her old self, be firm regardless of her action, enlarge your sense of things. Stop listening to the sound of her voice and start hearing the unspoken words in her heart, the hidden meaning of her words because she could be trying to express herself. Return her harsh words with sweet ones, pet and show her love, buy her gifts, take her out occasionaly, help her at home. She could be batling stress. She is your wife and divorce is not an option in marriage”

I Wished Him Luck And Left Asaply

^^^^My conversation with a friend years ago^^^^

The cause of the problem most times is in us.

4 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 12:21pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

itz not funny faaaa!

I hate it when I see men beat up their woman!
Where I reside in school, it happens day in
day out and I do ask, ''why cant this woman just
leave''? but I guess itz cos of the children. But
she eventually left and was api for her. Then the
stupid man now became a single father! WAH A SHAME!

Itz a nice writeup thou

Hmmmm
So what if bae annoys you beyond usual?
Like reeeeallly annoy you?

Re: Men, Go Within! by Tallesty1(m): 12:22pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

itz not funny faaaa!

I hate it when I see men beat up their woman!
Where I reside in school, it happens day in
day out and I do ask, ''why cant this woman just
leave''? but I guess itz cos of the children. But
she eventually left and was api for her. Then the
stupid man now became a single father! WAH A SHAME!

Itz a nice writeup thou

You for call the police to arrest.

One over here used to beat his wife, I wanted to give him a thorough beating but I know I will be getting myself into trouble so I arrested him instead.

I am his enemy till today but I don't care.

1 Like

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:25pm On Oct 02, 2015

MizMyColi:

Hmmmm
So what if bae annoys you beyond usual?
Like reeeeallly annoy you?

Before marrying Bae, there should be this commitment
that 'I wont lay my hand on bae even if she nags'
(cos that's the most annoying to me).
I learnt something from my Dad... when Mum brings this
behavior of 'WOMEN' and she wouldn't let anyone
have a say, you know what he does?

Piks up his car key, drives back to his office
and comes back when he sees mumsi is back
to normal cheesy

That's stil the best to do I think wink

3 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:27pm On Oct 02, 2015

Tallesty1:
You for call the police to arrest.

One over here used to beat his wife, I wanted to give him a thorough beating but I know I will be getting myself into trouble so I arrested him instead.

I am his enemy till today but I don't care.

Police ke

av vouched not to interfere in
their matter cos the man acts weird atimes...

Besides, na family matter... if them they do
"press up" shey I go dey dia? undecided

Re: Men, Go Within! by RobinHez(m): 12:33pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

Piks up his car key, drives back to his office
and comes back when he sees mumsi is back
to normal

That's stil the best to do I think

What of those who don't have offices...only the beer parlour across the street? undecided

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 12:34pm On Oct 02, 2015

Tallesty1:

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:35pm On Oct 02, 2015

RobinHez:

What of those who don't have offices...only the beer parlour across the street?

What works for my family might not work for
all family.
But I know we all av that family friend that we rely on. Such a place might be a place of refuge!

And if none is available, then just pray God give you strength to turn deaf hears to the frustration!

Re: Men, Go Within! by RobinHez(m): 12:37pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

What works for my family might not work for all family.

All I wanted to hear!

Re: Men, Go Within! by Tallesty1(m): 12:42pm On Oct 02, 2015

donTbone:

Before marrying Bae, there should be this commitment
that 'I wont lay my hand on bae even if she nags'
(cos that's the most annoying to me).
I learnt something from my Dad... when Mum brings this
behavior of 'WOMEN' and she wouldn't let anyone
have a say, you know what he does?

Piks up his car key, drives back to his office
and comes back when he sees mumsi is back
to normal

That's stil the best to do I think

Your mom is obviously not the type we are talking about because if she is, she would put the car keys in her bra, hold your dad by the belt and insist to be killed first before he can leave.

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:42pm On Oct 02, 2015

RobinHez:

All I wanted to hear!

1 Like

Re: Men, Go Within! by donTbone(m): 12:44pm On Oct 02, 2015

Tallesty1:
Your mom is obviously not the type we are talking about because if she is, she would put the car keys in her bra, hold your dad by the belt and insist to be killed first before he can leave.

With His principle... she wouldn't want to do dat!
grin

You know say every madness for woman get level!

Re: Men, Go Within! by LarrySun(m): 2:46pm On Oct 02, 2015

Men who beat their spouses are nothing but rats with syphilis.

3 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 3:14pm On Oct 02, 2015

LarrySun:
Men who beat their spouses are nothing but rats with syphilis.

Re: Men, Go Within! by IsaacBuchi(m): 3:32pm On Oct 02, 2015

Welcome Home, MizMyColi! cheesy

Re: Men, Go Within! by IsaacBuchi(m): 3:37pm On Oct 02, 2015

Tallesty1:
.......... So I think the best thing to do now is to divorce her. I can't take it anymore. He concluded.

And for like 40 minutes i was lost in thought. I gazed into the river that is flowing in front of us but there was nothing there to talk about. What should I say to him now. I asked myself. Even bible itself acknowledges that it's terrible to live with a nagging wife?

"Your wife realy have a bad tongue" I said. Just to break the silence and hopefuly get something to talk about "But there wouldn't be much problem if you control your anger"

"Do you think it is that easy? I laugh when people tell me that I need to be counselled on anger management when they know there wouldn't be a need for that if she behaves accordingly"

"what do I say to him" I asked myself again. I looked at the stones we each sat on but there was no answer there. Just then I looked at the river again and noticed that a herd of cattle has started crossing through the river.
As a result, the water became very muddy. I told him to go and get me a drink.

”The water in the lake is very muddy. I don’t think it is suitable to drink, Let's go home if your are thirsty.”

"No, lets stay a little longer. I'm not very thirsty".

After a while, I again asked him to go back to the river and get me some water. This annoyed him a bit. But he didnt know i was looking for a story that will help me to help him.

He obediently went back to the lake. This time he found that the mud had settled down and the water was clean so he collected some for us to drink.

I looked at the water and then looked up at my friend and said, “See what it takes to make the water clean. You let it be and the mud settled down on its own. It is also the same with your mind. When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time and it will settle down on its own.” if the words she is saying are disturbing you then give her space. Visit a friend and come back when her blood is calm. If you think she is purposly doing that then try to make sure she doesn't succed by giving her positive response. Act like you are un-aware of her bad character. She wasn't like that when you married her right?

No; she wasn't

Tame her then, pray for her, let her hear when you tell God about her nagging. help her the best way you can to become her old self, be firm regardless of her action, enlarge your sense of things. Stop listening to the sound of her voice and start hearing the unspoken words in her heart, the hidden meaning of her words because she could be trying to express herself. Return her harsh words with sweet ones, pet and show her love, buy her gifts, take her out occasionaly, help her at home. She could be batling stress. She is your wife and divorce is not an option in marriage”

I Wished Him Luck And Left Asaply

^^^^My conversation with a friend years ago^^^^

The cause of the problem most times is in us.

Lovely story that beautifully illustrates a valuable lesson.

Re: Men, Go Within! by cococandy(f): 4:15pm On Oct 02, 2015

Mizmycoli where you dey see all these guys?
Introduce them to NL Na.
We need more like them.

Read this

We are all responsible for our own actions (and despite what we have been told, violence is NOT the response needed for marriage issues)

Look inside. We have all grown up in various dysfunctional systems and unwittingly imbibed beliefs that are inimical to our progress and detrimental to our relationships. There is no shame in this. The real shame is accepting it as the norm . NO! There is much better.

Golden.

1 Like

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 4:22pm On Oct 02, 2015

cococandy:
Mizmycoli where you dey see all these guys?
Introduce them to NL Na.
We need more like them.

Read this

Golden.

Loooool
Them dey track my NL movement like kilode (when the need arises).

This one is an NLer o
Infact, he is on that thread right now....he registered looooong before me, and has only a scant number of posts.
They're more active on FB.
They think of NL as a battle ground.

This is not to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I have to admit that I owe much of my transformation post 2014 to the guy in question....
Dee, if you are reading this....this biuriful woman thinks your presence here will be appreciated.

Yeah, I should have mentioned Lalasticlala on this thread too.

2 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 4:24pm On Oct 02, 2015

IsaacBuchi:
Welcome Home, MizMyColi!

You didn't win o
I'm on leave tongue

Re: Men, Go Within! by IsaacBuchi(m): 4:31pm On Oct 02, 2015

MizMyColi:

You didn't win o
I'm on leave

Hahaha...at least I have u for a day

Thank God when you are on leave from that lions den you know where home is for your leisurely pleasure grin

Re: Men, Go Within! by Nobody: 4:37pm On Oct 02, 2015

Ok ooo.

Anything can be the cause of beating a woman. she nags, she is disrespectful, she is dirty, etc.

Then,

I ask,

If that battered wife arrests her husband or pay soldiers to beat up that her husband after.

Did she do bad?

1 Like

Re: Men, Go Within! by refreshrate: 6:35pm On Oct 03, 2015

Question from me is when they're doing these things to completely piss the guy off, don't they know?

Re: Men, Go Within! by MizMyColi(f): 10:46pm On Oct 03, 2015

refreshrate:
Question from me is when they're doing these things to completely piss the guy off, don't they know?

Violence is not the answer.

3 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by OnyeEgo1(m): 10:52pm On Oct 03, 2015

One crazy fact I have come to realise in ladies is that you can't rilly win them expecially the one you love... I budge easily n let them steal d show, just to let peace reign..

Re: Men, Go Within! by OnyeEgo1(m): 10:57pm On Oct 03, 2015

I just hate their victim mentality dat won't make dem accept their wrong especially one here who will go her way to show her typing skills... Sighs

Re: Men, Go Within! by refreshrate: 11:49pm On Oct 03, 2015

MizMyColi:

Violence is not the answer.

Totally agree with you ma, but not provoking someone into that position also requires wisdom, why do the women not apply it? Just trying to understand whats behind the psyche

Re: Men, Go Within! by YourCoffin: 9:38am On Oct 04, 2015

I think when a man's tolerance has stretched beyond his inability to control the urge to hit his wife, he should run to the nearest court and sign the divorce papers.

2 Likes

Re: Men, Go Within! by johnson232: 2:57pm On Oct 04, 2015

donTbone:

itz not funny faaaa!

I hate it when I see men beat up their woman!
Where I reside in school, it happens day in
day out and I do ask, ''why cant this woman just
leave''? but I guess itz cos of the children. But
she eventually left and was api for her. Then the
stupid man now became a single father! WAH A SHAME!

Itz a nice writeup thou

@bolded, what is wrong with being a single father? What is ur business with how another man treats his wife? Why were u praying for the woman to live? Do u know if the beating she gets from her husband is as a result of her attitude? Don't u know some women can be very annoying, & they can only be calm by a hit?
U sound like a weak guy...

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