Greener On the Other Side?

Author's Note

Arriving in Lagos sometime last year, I discovered, to my chagrin, that the RATS were much bigger over there. I saw what could pass for RABBITS in the rural areas, and this got me thinking:

Summarily, I wondered why the rats will appear so well in the city, where there are less bushes and the like, taken as vital for their wellbeing? And especially, considering the fact that the reverse appeared the case for humans...

My "untested" inferences spiked my fictional reasoning, and have inspired this short story...

Read O! Read O! Na rat dey tell the tory O!
Lalasticlala.

I scurry out of Mr Akpan’s cupboard; after a sharp look to the left, right and back at the space from which I had emerged, I make for the dustbin in the kitchen. To successfully do this, I have to go past the sitting room where Uduak is seated alone, watching a late night movie. I don’t know why this girl won’t go to sleep when others have done so. And it is same kind of movies, it appears, she watches every night. No wonder I love those days when there is a power outage, on such nights, I would have unfettered access to wherever I wished in the house. A glance at the television screen from behind the giant sofa shows my guess to be right. A fair skinned man, fairer than any of my hosts, grabs the hand of an even fairer lady. It appears like they are about to start a fight, but the lady’s gown is soon peeled of her body. It is no fight, for she has a smile on her face as she turns her back to allow the man unhook her bra… Uduak’s expression is permanently creased into a dreamy smile; her concentration is unbroken as I move past the TV stand. She might have seen me, but I am not enough bother for her to worry herself about. While this reaction from her pleases me, I cannot help wondering what it is that she finds so compelling in her solitary inquests into the groping rendezvous of those fair skinned men and women at night. Just as I get to the kitchen, I hear a door open. As if on cue, the soundtrack from the TV instantly changes. Uduak must be watching something bad not to want someone else to catch her at it. This is my conclusion as I catch sight of the fresh bread crumb in the dustbin. I hear the voice of Patricia, Uduak’s mom; but this is no longer my business. The bread not only smells good, it tastes even better.
I know I am getting old and it will soon be over, but this thought isn’t enough to bar me from enjoying every moment. Many of my kind, of same age as I, are already no more; they have met with death in their various ways. Thief Thief met his death when he drowned in Iniobong’s hot soup pot, it was surprising to us all that he could pursue his pilfering to the extent of attempting to attempting to lift a piece of fish from Iniobong’s soup pot. He knew he had met his waterloo when he slipped of the partially opened cover, into the pot, and his wife, Leaking Bottom, knew there was nothing she could do to help her man as she watched him wriggle and thereby worsen his scalds in the boiling pot. Iniobong was so angry to find Thief Thief in her soup pot some minutes later that she plotted and successfully wiped out his entire family of five the next week. Leaking Bottom who thought she had escaped after witnessing the death of her four offspring, died of food poisoning a day after fleeing the house. Her droppings led us to the soakaway pit behind Mr Johnson’s house, where she lay writhing in agony as she breathed her last.
I can’t remember any other of my mates alive, barring Longthroat and Sweetie, but the latter is so fat that she appears like she could die of obesity any moment. Her host is Mr Nsikan, who works with Cadbury. His dustbin never lacks leftover dairy products. Like Longthroat, Mr Nsikan’s only child, Amie appears like one having difficulty with breathing. I think she resembles the photo of an overfed pig in one of Lulu’s story books. Oh, you don’t know Lulu? He is Uduak’s younger and only brother.
As I nibble at the bread, my mind flashes back to those days when I was fatter than I am currently; that was before our trip to the village. By the village, I mean Mr Akpan’s hometown. It is one trip that has changed my life forever, one that I doubt if I will ever forget.
I used to envy Sweetie. That was when she wasn’t so fat. I used to admire her luscious and graceful glide as we held our meetings behind Mr Nsikan’s house. In those meetings, she would share with us some bits of imported biscuits. We would steal glances at her as she sipped from the sachet of milk, envious glances, while doing all to mask the longing of our hearts. It was only Longthroat who was forced to beg for a sip one evening when he could hold it no more.

Continues...

I had also noticed that while I starved during their stay in the village, Uduak and Lulu almost always appeared fresher on their return. It didn’t matter how short their exit would have been, the change in appearance was always obvious. Mr Akpan and his wife would also quarrel less during such periods; it was obvious that the village possessed something the city lacked. I discussed this with my friends, but never told them my envy for Sweetie was also a factor behind my curiosity. They agreed with my inference that the village had an effect on the lives of our hosts, with some giving testimonies of the improved condition of their hosts’ appearances at the aftermath of their trips to their hometowns. An idea formed in my mind; going to the village could better my condition. The more I thought about it, the more brilliant the idea seemed. It was two weeks after, when I overheard Patricia discussing with her husband the items they needed to purchase for Easter in the village, that I started thinking of how my dreams could come to fruition. I hadn’t given that a thought all along; how did I intend going to the village? Was it alongside my hosts or all alone? Did I even know the location of their village? Would the rats in the village not be too intimidating? These were problems I hadn’t considered at all previously, these were problems I should have seriously considered already.
I was forced to relay my plans to those of my kind. After enjoying a good laugh on my account, Sweetie whispered into Longthroat’s ear, pouted her lips before addressing me:
“So you think you can be as beautiful and chubbily fresh as I am? Well, I must tell you that you are greatly mistaken…” She licked some chocolate from a cardboard pack formerly filled with same, before continuing: “Just as neither Lulu nor Uduak can ever be as chubby as Amie, so can you never be like me.”
The SILENCE was DEAFENING; so much that the sound of a pin drop would be heard. I should have defended myself but the words wouldn’t come. Sweetie had annoyingly hit the nail squarely on its head.
It was Longthroat that finally broke the silence. He sneered as he spoke: “You want to go to the village? That’s very possible, but one thing you must avoid is being detected before your arrival there. These humans can be funnily superstitious; they will easily attribute your presence to witchcraft and not hesitate to murder you.
“I wonder why they care so little about the sanctity of rodential life; imagine how viciously Thief Thief and Leaking Bottom's family was wiped out!" Sweetie was now serious.
Others aired their disgust with the savage, murderous instincts of humankind, berating this so much that it soon appeared like that was the purpose for the meeting. It took Chopstick's intervention to bring us back to my complaint.
Diverse views were proferred, until we were left with two options: sneaking into the car the previous evening to the journey or slinking into an unzipped bag that I was sure was going into the boot. That way, I could scurry out as soon as the boot was shut.
The latter seemed more plausible. I couldn't stay the whole night without my supper. Especially not that season when Patricia's pantry was well stocked with Irish potatoes.
It was into a Bagco sack of this I sneaked the morning of their departure. Uduak shut the boot after placing the sack there, and I was about scurrying out when she reopened the boot. I was back inside the bag in a flash, but it was too late! Why had she come back?
"There's a rat in the bag!" She yelled, standing on guard while calling for reinforcement. I was doomed; there was no escaping, there was no village trip for me.
"A rat?! Blood of Jesus!" Patricia's voice rang back. "That isn't an ordinary rat!"
"I was about checking if the cellophane containing spices was inside the bag when I saw it."
"That rat must not be allowed to escape; wait, let me get a stick." I was done for.

Continues tomorrow...

"A stick?" It was Mr Akpan's voice this time. "For a mere rat? It could have even escaped by now."
"No, dad!" Uduak protested. "I haven't taken my eyes off the bag since I sighted it."
My fate was becoming bleaker by the minute. I knew it wouldn't be long before the stick arrived. With Uduak's eyes over every opening, I knew there was no way I could escape the bag undetected. I remembered Sweetie's luscious body, her boast during our last meeting, my jealousy-inspired village trip intention and I sighed. My fate became even worse when I heard Lulu's voice asking his sister if I was inside the bag. Another sentry was obviously on the lookout. Then the idea occurred to me; if I did nothing I was going to die, if I attempted making an escape, there was the possibility of not dying. Doing something was definitely better than doing nothing. I crept up to a position from which I could spy at my assailants. Lulu didn't really appear interested; but Uduak's stare was unbroken.
I had to do something, and just then, the moment presented itself. I caught sight of Patricia handing the stick to Uduak, who for a split second, looked away. It was the moment and I made a frantic leap...
"It has escaped! It has gotten out!" Uduak shrieked.
I wished I had really gotten out. From the edge of the navy-blue mat when I lay crouched, I crept to the spare tyre hole.
"Search everywhere! It can't have gotten out yet," said Lulu, now interested. Imagine such desperate murderers.
Patricia had produced a torch in no time. They pointed its rays at the corners of the boot, but, luckily, none gave a thought to lifting the spare tyre.
"Well, the rat is obviously no longer in there," said Mr Akpan, "it must have escaped through the hole at the top of the tools box."
If only I had known about the existence of such a hole, I wouldn't be in the mess I was.
But Mr Akpan's words saved me, for after a hiss, Uduak shut the boot. I remained between the spare tyre wheel until I felt the car moving. Then I scurried out, carefully exploring the inside of the boot. I wasn't satisfied until I had located the tools box and the said hole. Now, I was safe. I heaved a sigh of relief and crouched inside the box for a well deserved sleep.
***

Continues...

Following judiciously

if kingphilip is here then i guess it's worth reading

handmaid:
if kingphilip is here then i guess it's worth reading

have u read his other stories??

Mehn this guy is good

How have you been dear
It's quite an age

kingphilip:
Following judiciously

Thanks, sir! Updating shortly.

***
From the very moment I heard the excited voices welcoming Mr Akpan, I knew the village experience will be an unforgettable one. The car had drawn to a halt, and I was awake already, ready to dash off at the slightest instance. The hole was wide enough, expansive enough for two of my head sizes to go through. From it, I could see that dusk was setting in. I had to be careful if I was to make sure I wasn’t detected. Who knew whether the car was parked in the middle of an expansive and clear piece of land? That way, there would be no chance of remaining incognito, even if I wasn’t captured in the course of my escape. I carefully crept through the hole as I saw the boot being opened. My attempt at furtiveness suffered a serious challenge when my feet felt the blistering hotness of the exhaust pipe. Without any thoughts to avoiding detection, I withdrew my grip and fell with a thud on the ground. But I didn’t land on clear land; I landed on yellowish Bahama grass. I arose immediately and made for the bush just beside the car, into safety though even the Bahama grass was sufficient shield against detection.
Observing my new environment, I saw that it possessed a lot of advantage, security wise. There were lots of trees around, two scrap cars, junk furniture at a corner and a locally made storage for dry maize. All of these were places where one could stay undetected; they were all places where one could hide.
But, while I watched Mr Akpan’s extended family members take over the haulage of all he had brought from the city into the house, I felt some movement behind me. I turned back with a start, ready to break into a sprint, when I beheld one of my kind. I was surprised and disgusted at the same time – surprised at its friendly, non-challant mien and disgusted at its skinny physique. How could he be so skinny in the same village from which those in the city always returned weightier? He introduced himself as Yam Burrower, but I immediately named him Tinybebe.
Tinybebe was very forthcoming. The village wasn’t the best place for those of my kind, he said in response to my inquiries. I was to learn that, while we were paid little next to no attention in the city, the villagers thought us a curious delicacy, which they deliberately hunted for.
“It will be even more difficult for you to survive,” Tinybebe said in his shrill voice, “considering your scrumptious appearance.”
So my appearance was considered scrumptious in the village? What was going to be the testimony should they see Sweetie?
I was easily the fattest of my kind in the village. Others, who might have been fatter, were no more. They had fallen prey to humankind’s mousetraps, wire-traps, cutlasses, stones and even poisoned baits. When it came to killing and feasting upon those of my kind, and even our wilder brothers, the villagers were not smiling at all. And while the humans had more delicacies to choose from in the village, and in fresher form, same couldn’t be said of those of my kind. No sooner than the leftovers will hit the dustbins – usually located without the house – than our larger brethren, the goats, sheep, dogs and even domestic fowls will pounce upon them. There was barely enough remaining for my kind to eat. The pussycats were even more dangerous. While we could sometimes outrun humans, we could never outrun them. And these feline creatures could speedily negotiate most of the corners we usually sought refuge in from man. It was a lose-lose deal. I couldn’t understand why same creatures that were regarded by many in the city as associated with witchcraft would be so readily accepted and even craved by those in the village. I had to employ all of my city-sense to evade the many dangers of village-rodent life. Coming to the village had been a big mistake.
I managed to survive the five days duration of our stay in the village. I was so eager to depart that environment that I made a mistake that nearly cost my life. No sooner had some food items been moved into the boot of the car than I jumped in through the tools box. Unknown to me, it was discovered just then that the back tyre on the driver’s side of the car had gone down. It was the tyre just beneath the tools box, the tyre just beneath where I lay! And I was nestled between the very tools needed to jack up the car and unscrew the wheels!

Continues...

LAST SHOT

I knew most eyes would be on the deflated tyre when the boot was opened. I caught sight of a big, hard-looking hand approach the tools box. It couldn’t be Mr Akpan’s hand; his hand couldn’t be so rough-looking. Attempting to escape through the tools box could mean going directly into the hands of over-eager, rodent-rapacious villagers. I was really between the devil and the deep blue sea. I moved to the far end of the box, sticking to the walls as closely as I could. I could only hope that rough-looking hand didn’t decide to empty the tools box of all the tools. As if in answer to my prayer to this effect, just then a bike pulled up beside the car.
“Don’t worry, Ufot,” cried a lady’s voice, “the vulcaniser is here.”
Who said God doesn’t answer prayers? The man was there with all the tools required to fix and/or replace the deflated tyre. With a thankful heart, yet with bated breath, I waited as the operation was carried out. Not until I felt the car move did I begin to breathe freely again. I was created for a purpose to have passed through what I experienced unscathed – so Mr Akpan had repeatedly droned to his family in their Morning Devotion sessions.
***

I remember these with a smile, now grateful that I never became fatter than Sweetie. I can imagine the difficulty with which she currently drags herself around. I have had my fill, and have decided to move a sizeable chunk of the bread to my hideout for latter consumption when I hear Patricia’s raised voice in the sitting room.
“You this daughter of Eve! So this is what you watch when everyone is asleep?” She is obviously angry.
I knew it! It had to be something bad Uduak was watching.
There is a pause in which, I think, Uduak is pleading with her mother. Then Patricia’s voice comes up again.
“Your dad is already asleep and I won’t wake him up on this account. But you can be rest assured that he will see this disc tomorrow. Goodnight!”
I hear her footsteps stomp off. I know Uduak is really in trouble; Mr Akpan handles the belt with great dexterity.
I lift the chunk of bread after some seconds of absolute silence all around. I think Uduak has tiptoed to her bedroom in shame and/or fear. Self-assured of a clear coast, I stroll out of the kitchen, but know something is wrong when the parlour lights go on that instant. What is worse, Uduak’s eyes are squarely on me.
“You won’t escape from me today,” she says with venom as she reaches for one of her slippers.
I know it is a transfer of aggression, I don’t know how to tell her this, I don’t know how to tell her that she might be mistaking me for Longthroat, who bore a hole in her pretty dress, thinking the fabric print of fruits were actual fruits; I don’t even know when the chunk of bread falls off my mouth.
I make a dash for the passage, but meet the door shut. First time that would be happening since my birth. I turn around to behold an evil, cynical smile on her face. I dash to the back of the TV stand, but she is onto me in a jiffy. The hand holding the slipper is raised, ready to strike, when I make another dash – this time to beneath the largest sofa in the sitting room. Uduak calmly goes to shut the kitchen door. It is then I realize that that should have been my first point of call when I saw that the door to the passage was shut. Then she slowly approaches the sofa. I know she intends to turn it aside, or over if her strength allows. I will then run to another sofa, buying precious time as I search for an escape.
But, will I escape this? Will I survive this aggressive deflection? I wonder why she will stay awake so late to watch nonsense, I wonder what made her mom emerge from the bedroom to bust her, I wonder how much time I can buy before receiving that inevitable blow. As I watch her approaching, puffy toenails, I wonder what really is in Uduak’s mind.


THE END...now your views...

Lalasticlala

Wow this was superbly written
Handmaid come see the end o

Mynd44, lalasticlala, ishilove come n read

i'm back to read
@kingphilip I've been on guest mode

edit
yea..superbly written indeed. never knew of the sanctity of rodential life, lol. nice writeup Ohibenemma.

kingphilip:
Wow this was superbly written
Handmaid come see the end o

Mynd44, lalasticlala, ishilove come n read

Big thanks! Glad you like it.

handmaid:
i'm back to read
@kingphilip I've been on guest mode

edit
yea..superbly written indeed. never knew of the sanctity of rodential life, lol. nice writeup Ohibenemma.

Yea, yea; just like the python doesn't know of the sanctity of human life...Lol...

This is like a sneak peek in the life of rodents
funny though

handmaid:
i'm back to read
@king philip I've been on guest mode

edit
yea..superbly written indeed. never knew of the sanctity of rodential life, lol. nice writeup Ohibenemma.

can I take u on guest mode from the preying eye of nairalanders

Chat me up on whatsapp with the number on my siggy

jacy67:
This is like a sneak peek in the life of rodents

funny though

Hmmm

kingphilip:
can I take u on guest mode from the preying eye of nairalanders

Chat me up on whatsapp with the number on my siggy

I smell...what is that right word again

Lovely! Just lovely.