dedicated to skyfall: AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY

narrator
the movie opens in mexico city as the mexicans celebrate the day of the dead in grand style, we then spot a dude in a mask and a white suit walk past another guy whose in a full skeleton suit, ignoring a gorgeous latina lady and eye-ing the other guys butt?
daniel craig
O hey guys i've been waiting in the streets for Alessandro Cremona to pass by now i can proceed to stalking him
audience
Phew! For a moment we thought you were checking alessandro out
narrator
daniel and Stephanie Sigman are followed around in a brilliant and unnecessary 1 shot which ends up in a hotel room
Stephanie Sigman
Hmmm so you've disrobed into a british assassin suit armed with a snipers long range rifle, i guess i should ask why you have these but being a b*tch in a james bond movie i guess the only question to ask is "where are you going"?
daniel craig
And i guess i should stutter and make up some lie to justify my situation but hey it's a bond movie so SHUT UP AND STAY IN BED YOU C*NT(climbs out the window)
narrator
next we see daniel listening in on a conversation between alessandro and two other guys in a hotel room directly across his hotel in the full glare of a procession
Alessandro Cremona
Ha upon walking into the room let's blatantly start talking about illegal activities just incase a british secret agent is eaves dropping on our conversation
other dudes
Yea. bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb now let's toast to BOMB!!
daniel craig
Ugh! i had a bug in their hotel room this whole time?then why did i waste my time waiting in the noisy streets for alessandro to walk past? i could have crushed stephanies a*ss and still be aware of what was going on? And why am i wearing a business suit in the midst of a Día de Muertos celebration wouldn't that make me easy to spot? Perhaps i should've left my skeleton suit on.......Man f*ck this(blows the building to sh*t) mission accomplished
mexicans
Hmmm did someone hear that loud bang followed by what sounds like a building crashing on 100s of mexican people? No? Oh well let's keep going
Alessandro Cremona
(Running) thank you!
daniel craig
Sh*t time for an exciting parkour chase scene
sam mendes
Ahem! You do know i'm directing this franchise right back to the 60s right? So i have a better idea, SILLY HELICOPTER FIGHT!
narrator
an evil helicopter lands in a square which catches everyones attention for some reason, and an unarmed alessandro is hurriedly picked up by an unarmed bodyguard so he can flee from an equally unarmed daniel craig
daniel craig/Alessandro Cremona/bodyguard
Why didn't non of us think to bring no guns?
narrator
daniel craig whacks the bodyguard with a staff which he proceeds to throw away so he can handle alessandro's goodies all in the name of a "helicopter fight",this scene goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on till daniel kicks out alessandro and the helicopter pilot and stabilizes the helicopter within a minute(cause it's that kind of movie)
Then daniel stares at a ring he snatched off alessandro as he flies unto the sun set

mexican government
Hmmm mexico is depicted as a grotty disgusting country with Deaf people and lazy law enforcement agents who allow terrorists run away scot free i bet this should bring in tons of investors and tourists yay!

narrator
next sam smith does the impossible which is MAKE A JAMES BOND MOVIE GAY

sam smith
*singing* Spoilers spoilers listen close this movie is just a re-enactment of casino royale,QOS and skyfall run away while you still can

sam mendes
Dude? WTF

sam smith
Well at least i didn't say one line for half the whole song

Adele
I heard that!

narrator
next we see ralph fiennes losing his sh*t back in london
ralph fiennes
WTF holy f*ck, what the good f*ck, sh*t f*ck dammit sh*t f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck, F*ck(takes a deep breath) F, U, C,K spells F*CK!!!
daniel craig
Er are you mad at me for assisting in a terrorist attack on mexico?
ralph fiennes
No i'm just mad that they cast me in this role instead of ciaran hinds or liam neeson or tom wilkinson and why are we doing that scene from casino royale where judi dench yells at you for destroying an embassy? she did hers with a lot of class but i'm doing mine like a stereotypical black police chief from 21 jump street......wait you blew that building?
daniel craig
Er no i didn't(nose sprouts like pinnochio's)
ralph fiennes
Grrrr! I'm going to suspend you indefinitely for going after spectre the same way i did in on her majestys secret service for the same reason now f*ck off
andrew scott
Hello daniel i heard you are difficult to control and often insubordinate, wait how are you, ralph,greg and ben not in prison right now for what you did in skyfall? Plus i'm evil and it will really help my evil cause if you all are locked behind bars *evil smile*

daniel craig
Nice name you've got i'll call you A.hole
andrew scott
*losing focus*Don't call me that i'm your boss
ralph fiennes
Yea maybe we should call him S for sucker
andrew scott
Hey don't call me that i'm warning you
daniel craig
Hey i've got one let's call him S.O.B
andrew scott
stop making fun of me(runs away)
To be continued....

you've started again

coollabman:
you've started again

Tell'em make dem return my 300mb and i'll be on my way

severee:

Tell'em make dem return my 300mb and i'll be on my way

lol! dem no beg you to watch their film!

coollabman:



lol! dem no beg you to watch their film!

Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it

severee:


Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it

lol! the movie wasn't a waste of mb jor! you enjoyed it and just want to beef for no good reason!

coollabman:



lol! the movie wasn't a waste of mb jor! you enjoyed it and just want to beef for no good reason!

Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there

severee:


Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there

lol! its not as bad as you're making it look. as far as the numbers are concerned, it was a hit!

coollabman:



lol! its not as bad as you're making it look. as far as the numbers are concerned, it was a hit!

Not as bad?

- SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016

-James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again

-Recycled themes and scores from skyfall

-Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes

- Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies

- and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week

guy come if na play u dey play abeg stop

severee:


Not as bad?

- SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016

-James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again

-Recycled themes and scores from skyfall

-Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes

- Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies

- and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week

guy come if na play u dey play abeg stop

bwahahahahahaha!!!

Guy. You have come again. Thank God I have watched it cos this one pass spoiler.

I am disappointed firstly i thought Monica belluci was playing n integral part of the movie(cus of what heard from the commentary). Secondly the movie was too straight forward was actually thinking this movie was made to generate fund or just to end the contract with Daniel Craig. N him retiring for that girl! Bosnan didn't do dat even for halle berry. Dis 007 is a no brainer

hilarious

spot on... but still hilarious

spectre?? More like meh-ctre

narrator
next daniel is walking aimlessly when naomie harris suddenly appears in front of him
naomi harris
Hey daniel where are you going?
daniel craig
i'm heading home cause i've been suspended as that is basic protocol for intelligence agencies, I've left scores of mexicans are dead, millions of dollars in property damage and frightened the f*ck outta everyone but hey I'm james bond so I'm going home
naomi harris
Anyway i have this box of burnt trash that forensics picked up from skyfall........ see what i did there? I forcefully tried to connect this movie to skyfall and there's plenty more where that came from
audience
Ugh!
daniel craig
Any reason you couldn't just hand this box to me when i left ralph's office you're still his secretary right?anyway bring it to my house by 9:00 pm sexual predator hour *evil smile*
narrator
later that evening naomi shows up at daniels apartment with the box
naomi harris
So i heard about mexico everyone is talking about it
daniel craig
Da f*ck? How is this public knowledge? this is the british secret service damn it
naomi harris
care to explain?
daniel craig
Judi dench told me to do it
naomi harris
Judi............dench
judi dench
That's right the bond franchise couldn't live without me so i'm going cameo b*tches.....now daniel since you sucked at protecting me and carelessly got me killed in the worst way possible, i've decided to will you my kill list, now number one, go kill a dude named alessandro and attend his funeral to f*ck his widow and get answers
audience
Any reason you couldn't just arrest and interrogate the guy when you were alive?
naomi harris
shouldn't you have 'willed' this over to british intelligence instead?
daniel craig
Or perhaps just skip to the 'f*ck his widow' part?
judi dench
Look you wanna f*ck monica bellucci or not?
daniel craig
Monica who?(Dashes off to get a carton of condoms) oh naomi could you cover me for on this one? i really need to murder some a*ss
naomi harris
Now why would i risk my career and probably my life committing treason for you?
daniel craig
Hmm do it for me and i'll buy you a bouquet of flowers
naomi harris
Hmmm that seems fair enough i'll do it
narrator
daniel heads over to Q-branch
Ben whishaw
Hello daniel notice how funny i sound? I'm trying to be.......
daniel craig
*rolling eyes* Desmond llewyn's Q i get it just give it a rest cause you suck
ben whishaw
o yea? well have a seat and TAKE THAT! you jerk(shoves nanobots into daniels wrist)
daniel craig
Ouch! 10 years since casino royale and you haven't found a less painful way of injecting this sh*t into people?
ben whishaw
(Changes topic) so here is the aston martin 2015 for your eyes only literary cause it belongs to 009 i don't even know why i'm showing it to you haha your car on the other hand is still f*cked up so you'll have to be patient
daniel craig
Instead of piecing it together why not just get me a new car?
ben whishaw
You know how they say"if e pain you go hug transformer" well i've got this exploding wrist watch incase e too pain you see ya
daniel craig
Oh i just remembered i've got some a*ss to crush in italy so i'll need you to cover for me
ben whishaw
What? No! I can't do that besides you could always cut out your nano tracker and stuff it in your couch at home or something what do you need me for?
daniel craig
Dude did i tell you the a*ss in question belongs to monica bellucci?
ben whishaw
Oh my sh*t you've got to get on that.......ok you know what? I'll let you slide, if ralph asks, despite being a hacking computer genius who can play with the screen and make it seem like you are in london, i'll simply just say you are in london when you aren't and hope ralph doesn't know how to read a GPS
daniel craig
Atta boy, i shall now raise suspicion by stealing 009's car(steals aston martin 2015 and trades it for a bottle of champagne?)
ben whishaw
Really b*tch?
narrator
daniel arrives in italy and doesn't run any flags cause MI6 doesn't put up APBs on stolen vechicles and it definitely doesn't have a tracker to stop the car from working you know? Like every other modern car does? anyway daniel is just in time for alessandro's funeral don't ask how he knows where it is cause it's that kind of movie
daniel craig
Hey wait a minute why does everyone here look like assassins? And isn't that my adopted brother christoph waltz? Never mind(staring at monica's a*ss) target acquired(approaches her) hey there lady your husbands death is giving me mourning wood get it wood?
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Mtchew!(Walks away)
narrator
later that evening monica walks into her house with two spectre hit men behind her and one daniel craig behind them
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Hmmm it's so weird that despite my husbands dangerous job i made no preparations for a day like this o well if i must die it must be close to my swimming pool with a drink in my hand, wait a minute how exactly will you explain that to the police? they will definitely catch on that this is murder and they will open up an investigation you know for a shadowy criminal organization, you guys sure suck at subtlety
spectre hitman 1
Shut up! Now prepare to be shot by three spectre agents
spectre hitman 2
Three i thought we were two?
daniel craig
Tada i'm the third hitman and i've been sneaking up your a*sses
spectre hitman2
Damn it spectre hitman 1 this is your fault why didn't you lock the front door?(Daniel murders them both)
daniel craig
So monica i just saved you from an awful marriage to an ugly as f*ck dude and from being gang r*ped with bullets according to bond universe this means you owe me p*ssy
old as f*ck monica bellucci
And i guess we shouldn't go into details like say HOW I GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
daniel craig
R*pe mode activated
narrator
daniel assaults monica's lips and she clearly looks like she's having a bad time
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Calm down dude they are lips not a f*cking burrito, did you just stick your nose in my mouth? ugh! the mirror is cold against my bare back CUT!!!

armadeo:
Guy. You have come again. Thank God I have watched it cos this one pass spoiler.

Mtchew wetin dey for person to spoil the movie na just straight line even if na 20 minutes to end you start am u no go even miss anytin

shockwave91:

spectre?? More like meh-ctre

As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director

newguy1:

I am disappointed firstly i thought Monica
belluci was playing n integral part of the movie
(cus of what heard from the commentary).
Secondly the movie was too straight forward
was actually thinking this movie was made to
generate fund or just to end the contract with
Daniel Craig. N him retiring for that girl! Bosnan
didn't do dat even for halle berry. Dis 007 is a
no brainer

Oh na dat part even vex you? What of when bond and the dr were going to spy on spectre and they dragged change of clothes with them like they were going on vacation or when blofeld said he and bond were brothers or the part where Q studied the ring and all three villains from the previous movies just happen to be related? as in na three days I use take finish the film to show how uninterested I was

Severee abeg dem talk say them spend 300m on this movie abeg help me ask dem where the money go?

severee:
As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director

i don't think the homie's coming back to the franchise. E don try.

Wen r u doing Ant-Man??

forreelinc:
Severee abeg dem talk say them spend 300m on this movie abeg help me ask dem where the money go?

monica bellucci's make-up. Or dose senseless car chases & explosions.

shockwave91:

i don't think the homie's coming back to the franchise. E don try.
Wen r u doing[b]Ant-Man[/b]??

Mtchew! Who dey watch that one?

severee:

Mtchew! Who dey watch that one?

hahahaha!!!

narrator
daniel is done r*ping monica so he contacts his buddie from the CIA to "protect" monica let's all try to forget that spectre had direct links to the CIA in quantum of solace, moving on daniel is just in time to attend alessandro's succession meeting which is in a grand chapel with luxurious cars parked in front because........subtlety
annoying bouncer
Wetin happen? wetin happen? Who you be? Who you dey find?
daniel craig
You dey mad ni? You no knw me again?(flashes ring at annoying bouncer)
annoying bouncer
Hey! this looks like the ring that was missing from alessandro's corpse we've been waiting to see the slowpoke who will try to infiltrate one of our meetings with it, please come in
daniel craig
Why thank you(walks in)
narrator
daniel walks into the worlds largest and creepiest board meeting and in typical fashion spectre spills their evil plans in the presence of an MI6 agent

Spectre Operatives
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb

Christoph waltz
So anyone wanna replace mr alessandro? Hurry this up i've gotta feed my cat *WINK*
doomed spectre dude
I shall replace alessandro and i shall bring #Change to spectre operations i am loyal and patriotic to spectre. #SaiSpectre
christoph waltz
*Yawn* anyone else?
dave batuista
Hey guys remember me from guardians of the galaxy as the irrational big blue dude? Well guess what? i'm an irrational big dude in this movie as well(smashes doomed dude's face against a table,makes eye jelly outta him and snaps his neck for no reason)
christoph waltz
Hmmm a scary as f*ck dude who lights the fuse on every situation and can easily blow our cover........ you're hired
spectre operatives
Is there any spectre meeting where someone doesn't get brutally murdered for no reason? If we can get killed off so easily i wonder why we are always so eager to join?
christoph waltz
So next matter of business daniel craig just infiltrated our meeting but don't worry you see it was a trap and now i've placed annoying bouncer behind him for comic relief to make sure he doesn't escape(daniel makes annoying bouncer his b*tch and tosses him over the railings) don't worry my able henchmen shall shoot daniel down before he gets anywhere(henchmen are lousy shots so daniel escapes) don't worry i'm sure daniels car has been impounded he can't get too far(daniel's car is totally not guarded so he flees) dang it! WTF?
dave batuista
I'm on it(hops into his extremely expensive jag and chases after daniel)hmmmn on a hitman salary?*shrugs*
narrator
they race through the streets of italy and despite being a high speed race between two expensive as f*ck sport cars, the italian police chose not to give a sh*t
daniel craig
Hey naomi! i've found no better time to call than during a car chase
naomi harris
What is it daniel?
daniel craig
First of all despite just seeing my dead brother alive and being on the run from a murderous lunatic, let's quip about your boyfriend at the pure disgust of the audience
naomi harris
Done
daniel craig
Alright then,now reveal the identity of this pale king everyone has been talking about
naomi harris
How exactly do i do that?
daniel craig
It's in your script damn it
naomi harris
(Flips through script)
Ah yes it's jesper christensen from quantum of solace and casino royale remember him?
daniel craig
You mean the dude that blackmailed eva green into committing suicide and almost got judi dench murdered? grrrr! How is he still alive? oh i'll crush him, i'll crush him and feed him to the pigs i'll cut out his heart and make him watch it stop beating
sam mendes
Cut! alright let's do this again but instead daniel act like jesper is an old dictionary you forgot to take back to the library
daniel craig
Gorrit, so where can i find jesper?
naomi harris
He is hiding in austria
daniel craig
Won't call it hiding if we can actually find him you know what i mean?
Anyway yea please help me find out how christoph waltz is still alive despite dying in horrible bosses2 thanks
dave batuista
Ahem!
daniel craig
Oh right you're still in this movie
dave batuista
One question, how is an aston martin faster than a jaguar?
daniel craig
The same way an aston martin has sting missiles(sting missiles don't work) sh*t i mean the same way aston martins have smoke screens(smoke screen doesn't work). damn it, the same way aston martins fart fire?(Fire farts work) cool now i shall speed off to london destroy this aston martin for no reason
dave batuista
Seriously? you think i can't see you in a parachute not too far from here?(Flips through script) oh look i can't *shrugs* oh well(walks away)
narrator
next we see ralph, greg and andrew in tokyo for a G9 meeting of all intelligence heads?
ralph fiennes
only in bond movies why are we even here?
andrew scott
We are here to vote for or against joining our powers together to spy on weak nations without their permission #GoDemocracy

ralph fiennes
And what if we vote no
other intelligence chiefs
Then we'll call off the meeting in which case why the f*ck did we travel so far for a minute meeting ugh!
andrew scott
dude WTF we talked about this i ought to get you fired to get you outta my way and promote my evil plans
ralph fiennes
Good grief! how will you do that?
dave scott
by showing how you suck at managing your agent
ralph fiennes
Hey i thought that was my job?
andrew scott
Well we are repeating that crappy"you can't control your agent" storyline from skyfall cause it never gets old, look at 009's car crashed in italy automatically that means daniel did it
ralph fiennes
How did you even know about daniel going rogue before me? shouldn't i be a bit suspicious about that?
andrew scott
Er No! I mean i saw a picture daniels crashed expensive as f*ck car in a river see? Nothing suspicious there(nose sprouts like pinnochios)
daniel craig
that's weird the streets were totally empty during the chase
andrew scott
And he had a late night chat with naomi harris
ralph fiennes
yea er i don't think i wanna hear that
andrew scott
No you slowpoke it's about how she is his mole at the office
ralph fiennes
Oh my God naomi just commited treason and assisted insurbodination
dave scott
So......what will you do to her? *evil smile*
ralph fiennes
Nothing actually if you don't mind we will be skipping to the next scene please
And let's ignore the part about how daniel infiltrated the organization responsible for all'em bombings ok?

andrew scott
We've been doing well ignoring that part so far
narrator
next we see daniel in austria once again passing through austrian immigration despite the MI6 knowing he's gone rogue he heads to a cottage that has jesper christensen in it how daniel knows and how he found out doesn't matter amirite?
daniel craig
Hmmmm this is it my arch nemesis from my first two movies he's an excellent marks man just like me and smart as f*ck i better be on my guard this will indeed be an epic battle scene, hey heinsenberg could you direct me to jespers house please?
jesper christensen
it's me daniel so you can go ahead and scratch this action scene off your list cause I've been poisoned, I have a gross beard and I live in this snowy setpiece away from my family who abandoned me for being a criminal
audience
What da? Hey sam! Breaking bad called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T!!!
jesper christensen
Anyway, since you did such a tremendous job protecting catalina murino,gemma arteton,berenice marlohe, judi dench and eva green i shall now entrust my daughter into your care
daniel craig
Fine! what's your daughters name and how do i erase this conversation incase anyone stumbles upon the camera footage
jesper christensen
Good bye mr.craig(blows out his head)
daniel craig
Ugh! Sick i ma puke right now seriously i ma have a severe psychological trauma and i ma start having nightmares and PTSD and......
sam mendes
Cut! Nice one daniel now we shall take this scene again this time act like a kid who just saw his parents kissing
daniel craig
Ok
dave batuista
Ha i'm here, time to make eye jelly outta you with my iron thumbs......oh damn daniel got to him before me what am i gonna do to look menacing in this scene?
jesper christensen
Be sure not to look at my surveillance tapes.......sh*t i should have erased those
dave batuista
Hmmmm i shall find your surveillance tapes and watch them...............MENACINGLY!!!
surveillance tapes
gulp!

To be continued......

Terrible write up you clearly don't have a clue about the bond franchise

mrmagoo:


As for spectre's so called resurrection I guess you missed the part where blofeld confirmed that quantum is part of spectre

Answer me one question, where does spectre fit in a post cold war world? For Godsake they were so forced that they didn't even have a decent evil plot and failed to be menacing plus quantum

and spectre are two entirely different organizations with different mode of operations that do entirely different things so how can quantum be part of spectre it may have even the a bit manageable if spectre was the muscle wing for quantum

mrmagoo:

Bonds character development wasn't thrown away he was still the same emotional and imperfect person from casino royale that will explain him falling in love again and why he accidentally destroyed that hotel in mexico nothing about him changed

Oh really? Bond has gone from the cold calculated assassin who trusts no one and doesn't fall in love cheaply to a wise cracking wreckless guy who willingly walks into a trap 3 good times and f*cks anyone just for the sake of f*cking yet you didn't notice this? I see

mrmagoo:


And what if the themes were recycled from skyfall that was meaningless

The theme is how you tell a movie Apart from the other, it's laziness when you just re-use old stuff and frankly themes and scores are the bread and butter of the bond franchise
how could you possibly be okay when you eagerly await the new scores only to hear the old one? even mission impossibles cue theme is edited with each new movie

mrmagoo:


Donald pleasance blofeld showed in only one scene and he was able to make him the most iconic villain on earth, so how does blofeld showing in three scenes affect the movie especially when he was played brilliantly

Donald pleasance could get away with appearing at the end because it was a reveal that fans awaited for years and he didn't have much work to do but christoph waltz was bond's brother, who died and came back to life and is the suprise head of an agency bond has been tracking for the past ten years be honest is three scenes enough for all that?

mrmagoo:


It didn't seemed forced to me quantum is part of spectre so blofeld is bound to monitor bond and his journey so far and not kill him because of his relationship with him it seems logical to me

keep in mind that bond met lechiffre, green and silva by accident so suggesting blofeld has a hand in their meeting and outcome
Is just plain silly

mrmagoo:

And who said james bond is retiring just because this may be daniel craigs last bond movie doesn't mean bond is literally retiring

00 section has been cancelled,he didn't report back to M at the end, Q said it to him at the end even sam smith hinted it in his song from the tone of the movie did it look like bond was getting ready for another mission after this one?

mrmagoo:

and if you noticed there were several scenarios bond found himself with madeleine that reminded him of vesper lynd that will explain him falling for her easily

lol what scenarios please? There was absolutely no chemistry between the both of them all of a sudden bond is being tortured and she goes I love you? Even their sex scene had no chemistry

mrmagoo:

If you don't understand something ask questions instead hating it to appear sophistcated and impress your peers

Dude the movie is awful suck it

narrator
daniel goes in search of jespers mysterious daughter who works in a clinic at the top of a snowy mountain because
daniel craig
Hmmm jespers daughter just happens to be really sexy and of bond girl age yumm!
lea seydoux
Pardon me
daniel craig
I let your father commit suicide while I watched like a creep now he wants me to find some dude called le merican......... And oh I almost forgot he wants me to protect you too
lea seydoux
O_o so you paid all that money and filled all these forms and wasted all that time to fix an appointment just to tell me this? What if you were assigned to another doctor did you think about that? Now leave my office anyway
daniel craig
Leave your office? I'm an assassin who practically killed your father for being a jerk to me and that's the best you can do? What's with this movie and terrible acting? Ugh i need a drink
bar tender
Crushed brocolli juice with a twist of cucumber and pickles shaken not stirred sir?
daniel craig
What da f*ck dude? I'll rather suck my own d*ck thank you
ben whishaw
Hey daniel i've come to take you home
daniel craig
Not scared of flying anymore
ben whishaw
Oh right! let's hope the audience don't remember that
daniel craig
Hey take this ring and have it analyzed. ben whishaw
And what exactly will i be looking for?
daniel craig
Hopefully a weak plot device that forcefully ties up all my previous bond entries
dave batuista
Pardon me nothing to see here just kidnapping a doctor in broad daylight in the full glare of everyone because..........irrational dude remember? Hey wait! Where did i get a range rover on a hitman salary?
daniel craig
Oh sh*t(chases after them)
audience
Oh yea i bet we will see some cool snow skiing stunts since you were raised by a skii instructor and i bet you'll like to pay homage to on her majestys secret service
daniel craig
F*ck that sh*t i've got a better plan.......*in epic voice* this is a job for BRITISH WALEED ALSHERI-MAN
narrator
daniel steals a plane and using his years of training as a professional assassin he goes all 9/11 on the whole of austria probably killing a few innocent austrian residents while at it
dave batuista
Hey lea you like my sawn off handgun I bet it's turning you on right? just look at it penetrate through daniels aircraft without killing him
lea seydoux
*scowls*
dave batuista
Ok someone roofie the f*ck outta her I bet that should turn her on
spectre operative
I'm on it (loads syringe full of roofies in front of lea like that's a good idea)
lea seydoux
Hey look over there angels of death from on her majestys secret service
spectre operative
Really? Where? I heard those chicks were hot
(Gets roofied by lea) oh you b*tch erk!(Passes out)
dave batuista
Damn it what exactly turns you on for christ sake car crashes?
daniel craig
I heard that!..............Wait a minute i should also take into consideration that lea is in one of the suvs and she may get hurt......nah she will be fine(crashes the f*ck outta the plane)
ben whishaw
Er why are scary dudes looking at me weird in this cable car which i'm also not afraid of by the way? I'm not that kind of homo man
scary as f*ck dudes
We are here to kill you by staring you to death
audience
I bet ben whishaw has some kickass gadget to display and kill off scary as f*ck dudes with, then perhaps he will make some quip to spice things up
ben whishaw
(Runs away like a b*tch)
audience
Any point to that scene?
narrator
meanwhile bond is done crashing into the evil suvs and lea crawls outta the wreckage without a scratch but she is unconvincingly in shock
daniel craig
Come with me if you want to live
lea seydoux
Seriously we are stealing from the terminator?
daniel craig
Nah actually i was going for bourne identity but *shrugs* hey,whatever works............ so........*smacks* unto tangiers?
lea seydoux
Unto tangiers
dave batuista
I heard that
narrator
daniel and lea meet with ben at some hotel in austria
daniel craig
Ok seriously i just killed a ton of dudes and destroyed a plane yet no cop is after me?
austrian government
Yes because according to movies the only thing austrians are good at is tosca and even more tosca isn't that right rogue nation?
Rogue nation
F*ck YEA!!
ben whishaw
So this ring connects all the bad guys from previous craig movies
daniel craig
And how is that possible? Never saw a ring on mads mikkelsen or mathieu almaric or javier bardems fingers
and isn't it a little convenient that they are the only ones who have worn the ring? And how have their DNA not wiped off the ring when alessandro washed his hands of wiped the ring? and knowing me and my habit of foiling every one of their plans,Why didn't spectre ever try to kill me?
ben whishaw
Dude this movie is connected to the others movies now piss off
narrator
daniel and lea journey off to tangiers in search of le merican
lea seydoux
By the way le merican is a hotel not a person what a mystery right?
audience
Zzzzzzzzz *snaps* God will this movie ever end?
daniel craig
Ha it's a good thing this place is still intact despite being abandoned for years oh look a dusty old bottle of scotch my favourite (guzzles it down) hey lea you wanna play hide the pickle with a me
lea seydoux
Hell No! That's f*cked up man you are old enough to be my uncle
daniel craig
*evil smile* oh we'll see about that....... hey look a wall made of paper marche(smashes through the wall like hulk) there's a 'writing on the wall'
sam smith
Ugh!

lea seydoux
Hmmm a convenient list of spectre members ,*shrugs* I guess jesper was writing names of noise makers that day or something
narrator
next daniel and lea board a train to nowhere because sam mendes has a serious b*ner for trains
daniel craig
Hey i wanna give you the "death talk" have you killed a man before?
lea seydoux
Don't worry i've seen quantum of solace already take a deep breath, make it count........ But i don't like guns i prefer being rescued by a MAN and besides spectre didn't kill my dad so everything is cool
daniel craig
Okay let's do a mr and mrs smith cohabitation gag to amuse the audience
audience
Zzzzzzz *snaps* Please..........make it stop
narrator
next we see daniel and lea are[s]strategizing on how to attack spectre or gathering intel to forward to MI6[/s] having a romantic dinner because spies gotta eat right? And oh daniel is in a classy dinner suit because why not?
daniel craig
O_o you know I could equally have dinner in my pajamas right? It's dinner in a f*cking train
sam mendes
I'm sorry I just remembered that I forgot to insert a tuxedo scene so I had to force one in here just like I did in skyfall
narrator
lea shows up in a f*ck me dinner dress
daniel craig
holy sh*t!!!(springs a lick)
lea seydoux
You know how i said we aren't gonna have sex? Well i've decided to look sexy and hope you don't get drunk and force yourself on me afterwards
daniel craig
Any reason why you are also giving me f*ck me eyes and having the whole "walk away from this spy business talk" from casino royale? Oh sh*t don't tell me I'm gonna quit the spy game for you, c'mon I was hoping to swim in the pants penelope cruz and emily blunt before retirement damn it!
dave batuista
hi!
daniel craig
WTF dude? How did you find us? And where is your ridiculous shotgun/handgun?
dave batuista
Well i(searches pockets) oh sh*t i had it on me a few minutes ago i swear.........good grief! did i just drop on you guys without a gun?
daniel craig
lucky me I happen to have a gun
dave batuista
haha this n*gger brought a hooker gun to a dave batuista fight(redecorates the train using daniel as a wrecking ball)*singing* I came in like a wrecking ball
audience
Oh this should be nice two gritty and highly skilled assassins fist fighting
narrator
dave and daniel embarrass bond fans by recreating richard kiel and roger moore's train fight scene from "the spy who loved me"
audience
*shake their heads in disappointment*
lea seydoux
hey can i help?
dave batuista
keep ya girlfriend outta this(b*tch slaps lea into a mini-coma) now back to mopping the floor with daniels a*ss
daniel craig
(Running like a b*tch) HELP!!!
dave batuista
Come back here b*tch i ma beat you till candy come out you hear me? I ma beat you like a pinanta
daniel craig
What da? Why are there never anyone around in these action scenes? are we the only ones on the train? Ugh!
lea seydoux
I'll save you my love(fires yakubu shots). whoops! Babe you wanna save me now?
daniel craig
Gotcha (Puts a rope around daves neck and attaches its hook to a gas canister , yep its as confusing as it sounds)
dave batuista
now I'm really wishing I brought a gun onboard, anyway it's been fun see ya in GOTG 2(disappears like mary poppins)
lea seydoux
So daniel......what do we do?
daniel craig
Well we haven't had dinner, we've destroyed this here train and we just killed a high ranking spectre member which may unleash the wrath of the other assassins on our a*sses plus thanks to batuista i will be needing a billion stitches and we are both writhing in pain, So obviously our best course of action is to have sex
lea seydoux
*smitten* awww! nothing turns me on more than an alchoholic wimp who encouraged my dad to commit suicide
(They have sex)

To be continued....

lol op this is good keep it up

narrator
the following day daniel and lea get off the train and wait for spectre to pick'em up?
sam mendes
yep At this level i guess you should just along with what you see folks
narrator
shortly after, a rolls royce pulls up in front of them
lea seydoux
Hey what's that?
daniel craig
That's a rolls royce
lea seydoux
*rolling eyes* i mean why is he here?
rolls royce driver
Ahem! May i kidnap you please?
daniel craig
Well since you asked nicely(hops into the car)
narrator
daniel and lea are driven to a set location from quantum of solace but the hotel dunais is swapped for a fake looking villain base built in a crater
christoph waltz
Hello daniel welcome to my hideout
daniel craig
Hide out? You know a drone can totally scope you guys from the sky right?
christoph waltz
Shut up!
daniel craig
And with all the power you consume, the electric companies are bound to get curious
christoph waltz
Didn't i say shut up?
daniel craig
And of course a rolls royce totally brought us here......... I mean people are bound to get curious about a rolls royce coming in and outta a cave in tangiers
christoph waltz
*scowls*
daniel craig
So lea and i aren't dead yet, i suppose it's because you wanna unveil your evil plans yes?
christoph waltz
yes I fed you and housed you and clothed you so I can pointlessy torture you, but before that, I shall unveil my evil plan just incase you escape and begin to wonder how to defeat me.................. Now my evil plan is to install a sh*t load of cameras to spy on Everyone so we can see what you are doing at all time muahahahahahahaha!
daniel craig
That's it? And what happened to "we have people everywhere" in quantum of solace?
christoph waltz
Well what more can a well connected and powerful shadow criminal organization need than MORE INFORMATION muahahahahahaha
By the way all the bad guys in your movies work for me
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
I mean all the sh*t that happened to you by chance like ola rapaace carting away with that NATO NOC file or eva green commiting suicide out of guilt and mathieu almaric sending bolivian cops after giancarlo and drowning gemma arteton in crude oil were all my orders to hurt you
daniel craig
What? Even javier bardem? Cause that looked pretty personal to me
christoph waltz
It was all me daniel
daniel craig
Including the part about a riccocheted bullet killing judi dench by chance?
christoph waltz
Yes that was me too

daniel craig
Hmmm what else did you plan?
katrina? 2007 economic recession? Price of oil?
christoph waltz
yea even judgement day that's my call too I did all just to mess with you
daniel craig
Hmmm you know what's funny? Why didn't you just stop me from foiling mathieu's plan of overtaking the whole of south-america Or stop me from foiling the skyfleet stock short in casino royale? At least that would have gotten you some ROIs rather than your fruitless "hurt daniel" missions mr christoph lamez

christoph waltz
hey F*ck you man i'm blofeld tada!
audience
Tada? It's a movie called spectre who else runs spectre?
christoph waltz
Now I shall prolong this fruitless scene by leaving my current tasking project to spite you........em hey lea did you know daniel was there when your father died? Here watch their video
lea seydoux
Honey you're such a badass you didn't even flinch when jesper spilled his brains like pedigree from a can
christoph waltz
O_o ok, now I shall show daniel a live footage of ralph fiennes being retrenched muahahahahahah!
daniel craig
Oh dear
christoph waltz
Yea....... pretty evil right?
daniel craig
No! I was just thinking may be i should have handed the ring over to ben whishaw when i returned from mexico and avoid all these really really boring plot
Hollywood
Common sense is forbidden in hollywood movies (Knocks out daniel)
narrator
next daniel is strapped to a chair with clothes on this time so daniel is a lil relaxed
daniel craig
Wow I had this bad dream that I was in a bond movie with the most boring blofeld depiction ever..........oh no it's not a dream.......... christoph what are you doing?
christoph waltz
being evil
daniel craig
thought so....... Hey why am i tied to a chair? What do you wanna do to me? And why is lea walking around freely and unattended? For f*ck sake she should be tied down too #GenderEquality b*tches c'mon
christoph waltz
Hey lea did you know that Daniel and i are brothers? my father was made daniels guardian when daniel lost his parents
daniel craig
Really? what happened to albert finney? I thought he brought me up according to skyfall?
christoph waltz
Ahem! Trying to tell a forced story here don't interrupt so........... i was jealous of daniel so i killed my father ,faked my death and started a criminal empire
audience
Hey austin powers called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T!!!
lea seydoux
So you became a megalomaniac become of an unwanted house guest? And how old were you back then? you look more like daniels grand father than his older brother
christoph waltz
smarta*ss...........Ok let's lobotomize daniel
lea seydoux
Ouch! Why?
christoph waltz
Because I'm evil muahahahahah?!
lea seydoux
Seriously why?
christoph waltz
Because i'm trying to forget that i was in this movie, so i wanna try it on daniel first
daniel craig
Aint working
christoph waltz
Really? sh*t ur.......er......um ok I'm all outta evil things to do why are the cameras still rolling?
daniel craig
Lea let's blow up this facility and escape take my watch and.........
lea seydoux
Nah that ain't powerful enough I've got a bigger bomb shell..........DANIEL I LOVE YOU
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
What?
audience
What?
spectre operatives
What?
eon productions staff
What?
spectre facility
What? Oh I mean BOOM!!!
To be continued.....

narrator
lea and daniels severly underdeveloped "love" blows christoph and his henchmen away and frees daniel because somehow chair straps respond to computers daniel and lea then engage in a weird gunfight that wavered from shooting spectre baddies for a second and eye-f*cking each other for another couple of seconds , then suddenly for inexplicable reasons the whole facility blows to sh*t
daniel craig
How is this big-a*ss explosion not making us deaf right now?
lea seydoux
I'm more concerned about how we will make it back to england
daniel craig
No problem we shall totally GTA this helicopter conveniently placed behind us with a full gas tank, it's keys left in the ignition and a magic map that will tell us how to get back to england
narrator
with faith trust and pixie dust daniel and lea make it back to london anyway
Daniel craig
Hey ralph
ralph fiennes
you son of a b*tch why i oughta (grabs daniel by the throat) PSYCHE! Waddup daniel? got something for me?
daniel craig
Sure! andrew is a bad guy and christoph waltz is dead
ralph fiennes
And i should believe this because........................
daniel craig
When i blew up those building blocks in mexico and..........
ralph fiennes
so you did blow up those buildings you turd
Daniel craig
Dude do you want an excuse to kick andrews a*ss or not
ralph fiennes
Fine let's all hop into the mystery machine and solve this riddle daniel you coming?
daniel craig
Sure, hey lea where are you going?
lea seydoux
Er I just thought about it and I don't think I love you that much so I'm leaving you......now i shall walk into this lonely dark alley all by myself
daniel craig
Er shouldn't you wait till we are done with spectre to talk about this? C'mon do you even know your way around london? You know what? Fine! go, you are just gonna get kidnapped again anyway(walks away)
narrator
in the "empty" streets of london daniel and ralph cruise to kick andrews a*ss when their car gets f*cked up by spectre baddies immediately killing ralph fiennes and giving daniel a violent concussion........PSYCHE! They are both fine because it's a bond movie, anyway daniel is taken away while no one sees a 50 year old ralph fiennes slip through the scene because he is that sleek
ralph fiennes
Oh they took away daniel.........*shrugs* oh well more andrew a*ss for me to kick
narrator
daniel is driven to the old MI6 building which looks like an antic from the 60s and not a building that was evacuated 4years ago, daniel over powers spectre baddies by sneezing on them and walks into the building to find it has been made into a bond taunting funfair
audience
Hey sam joker from batman called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T
daniel craig
Hmmm maybe i shoulda waited to see what i was up against before overpowering those guys I guess I should be very stealthy from now on....... SON OF A B*TCH! christoph waltz is alive?(empties a whole clip at a christoph waltz whose standing behind bullet proof glass)
christoph waltz
Hi, i spent all day putting up bullet proof glasses and posters of past villains because........
audience
*rolling eyes* all craig movies are related we get it
christoph waltz
i also rigged this building to explode making this the third grand explosion in this movie because I'm evil you see?
daniel craig
Wow i'm more concerned with how you walked away from that other blast with just a crappy scar you were supposed to be blown to sh*t man!..........wait did you just say you rigged the building to BLOW?!
christoph waltz
Yea and i shoved lea in M's office so you'll spend all 3 minutes looking for her
daniel craig
Lea's here?Wow all it took was less than 5seconds to get recaptured ugh! What a b*tch
christoph waltz
Well now that i've trapped you in the building i shall now fly away as easily as i flew in despite being known to MI6 as a terrorist goodbye mr.craig
narrator
meanwhile ralph boringly confronts andrew
ralph fiennes
M doesn't really mind you earning a little money on the side...... Oops wrong script but wait aren't we repeating the opening scene from casino royale?
andrew scott
No we aren't
ralph fiennes
It's night, the buildings all dark you are a high ranking british intelligence officer
andrew scott
Still don't see any similarity........ ha! i shall shoot you with an.......
ralph fiennes
Empty gun? Just like casino royale i'm even gonna flash your catridge at you and stuff
andrew scott
Oh my gosh this is totally casino royale that's why i shall spice things up by fighting like a little girl
ralph fiennes
And i shall fight like a grandpa
narrator
the dance of shame goes on for not too long before andrew falls off a building and dies like a disney cartoon character
audience
Hey winter soldier called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T
narrator
meanwhile, daniel uses the GPS in his P*nis to find where Lea is stashed
daniel craig
Hey lea i'm glad you are alright now we shall jump a billion feet
lea seydoux
To our deaths?
daniel craig
Oh don't be silly we'll totally survive it i learnt this from skyfall(jumps a billion feet and lands on a motor boat.......... don't ask) hey isn't that christoph's chopper?
christoph waltz
Lalalalalalalalala escaping in my chopper no worries in the world
daniel craig
B*tch please!(shoots chopper down with a hand gun because laws of physics is also forbidden in bond universe )
sam mendes
Just thought i go biblical and throw an ode to david and goliath you know what i'm saying?
narrator
christoph's chopper crashes but he doesn't die for "opportunity to return" reasons, daniel hops outta his motor boat and walks towards christoph
christoph waltz
Oh thank God, please daniel shoot me i don't wanna be in another cheesy bond flick please
sam mendes
Cheesy? But kingsmen said they liked bond movies this way
mathew vaughn
Haha suckers(goes along to make a gritty as f*ck movie)
daniel craig
I would love to shoot you right now but I've got a tonne of cops who will witness me kill an unarmed dude so sorry can't help
ralph fiennes
Hey christoph on behalf of her majestys secret service i shall now hook you up to a life time supply of prison r*pe b*tch
christoph waltz
O_o how exactly are you gonna do that? You have no evidence that I'm evil and your only witnesses are an alchoholic insurbudonate MI6 agent who murdered a ton mexicans in a terror attack and a well respected british intelligence officer you carelessly killed
ralph fiennes
alright fine I'll give you a lift home but no more evil spectre stuff you promise?
christoph waltz
Yea yea I promise(nose sprouts like pinnochios)

End
audience
Thank you God
naomi harris
Oh sh*t wait stop i forgot the evil satellite is about to launch we are going to be spied on and andrew is the only guy who knows how to turn it off
audience
Oh God WHyyyyyyyyyy?
ben whishaw
Pfft! I've got this i shall miraculously shut it down with my laptop i woulda used my phone but my battery is dead
(Shuts down the "non-threatening" threat)
daniel craig
Hey lea
lea seydoux
I love you again because *singing* I change my mind like a girl changes clothes

daniel craig
One more thing.......ben have you fixed my car despite not having time due to following me about this movie?
ben whishaw
Yea here it is
daniel craig
Riding unto the sunset b*tches till lea gets murdered and I swear revenge against spectre(sh*ts all over the set and wipes a*ss with his james bond movie contract)
End for real