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Cross Culture Relationship - Culture - Nairaland

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Cross Culture Relationship by agathamari(f): 10:00am On Jul 08, 2009
Ok I need help here ladies.  I’m from the US and the culture here is way different then what I’m used to.  I want to know if the following situation is considered appropriate here in Nigeria, note that it is in no way considered appropriate in western culture under any circumstance.  Is it appropriate for a married man to have “friends” whom are girls (including ex-girlfriends) whom the wife does not even know exist? One that he buys gifts (food, clothing, phone cards) for and gives money to?  Ones he calls/meets in secret and even has physical contact with (kiss/hugs)?  I don’t believe in polygamy so don’t answer if you’re going to push that idea. 


my husband is using this as an excuse and i want to make sure before figuring out how to handle the situation


please dont change the title of my post again! it never said (Is It Cultural For Nigerian Men To Have Affairs? ) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Ok part two of my question.  As you can tell I know a lot of what is going on by my own eyes.  Now in the US I have every right to demand full disclosure of what happened with them.  That anything returnable (clothing, shoes…) be returned and non returnable items (food, phone cards, money…) be refunded.  Directly from these girls to me and not through my husband.  I have the right to speak to any of them as I deem fit and that he may no longer have any direct or indirect (asking other people to talk to them) contact with any of them for any reason.  Do I have the same rights here in Nigeria?

He knows that I know!
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Seun(m): 10:57am On Jul 08, 2009
Infidelity is not a part of our culture.
Some men are good, and others are dogs.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with our culture.
It's not normal for a married man to do those things.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 12:21pm On Jul 08, 2009
There is nothing cultural about having affairs. Culture intervenes to determine a way it has to be dealt with. In Nigeria, among most ethnic groups, infidelity by men is allowed, but they are not so tolerant towards women.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Beaf: 12:55pm On Jul 08, 2009
No way! Dat one na extra kurikula affia! angry
There's nothing cultural about what you're describing. I don't know of any African culture that has no punishment for adultery.

~~~One that he buys gifts (food, clothing, phone cards)~~~
Hmmmm. You seem to have incredible detail on the "friends" and his exact habits with them. Did you get this idea's "by ear" or are your questions based on solid experience? It just seems a bit much.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by sistawoman: 12:57pm On Jul 08, 2009
Beaf:

No way! Dat one na extra kurikula affia! angry
There's nothing cultural about what you're describing. I don't know of any African culture that has no punishment for adultery.

What exactly is the "punishment"?

Is the punishment for the faithful wife or the cheating husband?
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 1:00pm On Jul 08, 2009
sistawoman:

What exactly is the "punishment"?

Is the punishment for the faithful wife or the cheating husband?

The punishment is usually telling the wife and going back to cheat. tongue
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Beaf: 5:21pm On Jul 08, 2009
I'm not talking about modern culture that is a confusion of east, west, christian, moslem and God knows what. That really isn't our culture.
In the past when women were expected to be a virgins before marriage, any extra kurikula meant you could only be accused of rape or adultery.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 5:38pm On Jul 08, 2009
Beaf:

I'm not talking about modern culture that is a confusion of east, west, christian, moslem and God knows what. That really isn't our culture.
In the past when women were expected to be a virgins before marriage, any extra kurikula meant you could only be accused of rape or adultery.

We are not talking of women, we are talking of men.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 5:44pm On Jul 08, 2009
NO, ITS NOT PART OF OUR CULTURAL CHARACTERISTICS.

[Most] Naija men just do what they know best; ashewo and spreading STIs
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by sistawoman: 6:09pm On Jul 08, 2009
Beaf:

I'm not talking about modern culture that is a confusion of east, west, christian, moslem and God knows what. That really isn't our culture.
In the past when women were expected to be a virgins before marriage, any extra kurikula meant you could only be accused of rape or adultery.

this topic is not about women but men

Addtionally this is not about the past but now.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Beaf: 6:28pm On Jul 08, 2009
Beaf:

I'm not talking about modern culture that is a confusion of east, west, christian, moslem and God knows what. That really isn't our culture.
In the past when women were expected to be a virgins before marriage, any extra kurikula meant you could only be accused of rape or adultery.

I'm not talking about women. In my culture, a man would be accused of rape or adultery.
It is entirely another agument if that culture is has been lost or destroyed; but it existed in the past.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 6:56pm On Jul 08, 2009
Beaf:

I'm not talking about women. In my culture, a man would be accused of rape or adultery.
It is entirely another agument if that culture is has been lost or destroyed; but it existed in the past.

Again, we are not interested in the past because what has been has been and is no longer. Focus on now and tell us what cultural views people hold about men's infidelity.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by sistawoman: 7:19pm On Jul 08, 2009
michelin89:

Again, we are not interested in the past because what has been has been and is no longer. Focus on now and tell us what cultural views people hold about men's infidelity.

exactly.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by iice(f): 2:01pm On Jul 09, 2009
Not cultural
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by NegroNtns(m): 10:47pm On Jul 09, 2009
Agatha, . . .that's a nice name.

You have done the right thing by first identifying the problem and then seeking confirmation before you confront. I will be delighted that you continue to visit with us and interact. You have heard it from other members of the group, we are on your side if what your report is true. You are our sister now that you are married to one of our brothers. Which brings me to the next thing.

i want to make sure before figuring out how to handle the situation

In America, women have immense latitude of protection under the domestic law. If indeed he has been cheating on you then he deserves to be confronted and reprimanded. From your statement I don't know what "handle" may interprete to but I want to believe that you will use the best discretion and your judgement will ultimately be in the interest of reforming your husband and preserving your marriage. Good Luck to you and please come back.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Nobody: 10:54pm On Jul 09, 2009
agathamari:

Ok I need help here ladies.  I’m from the US and the culture here is way different then what I’m used to.  I want to know if the following situation is considered appropriate here in Nigeria, note that it is in no way considered appropriate in western culture under any circumstance.  Is it appropriate for a married man to have “friends” whom are girls (including ex-girlfriends) whom the wife does not even know exist? One that he buys gifts (food, clothing, phone cards) for and gives money to?  Ones he calls/meets in secret and even has physical contact with (kiss/hugs)?  I don’t believe in polygamy so don’t answer if you’re going to push that idea. 


my husband is using this as an excuse and i want to make sure before figuring out how to handle the situation


please dont change the title of my post again! it never said (Is It Cultural For Nigerian Men To Have Affairs? ) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Ok part two of my question.  As you can tell I know a lot of what is going on by my own eyes.  Now in the US I have every right to demand full disclosure of what happened with them.  That anything returnable (clothing, shoes…) be returned and non returnable items (food, phone cards, money…) be refunded.  Directly from these girls to me and not through my husband.  I have the right to speak to any of them as I deem fit and that he may no longer have any direct or indirect (asking other people to talk to them) contact with any of them for any reason.  Do I have the same rights here in Nigeria?

He knows that I know!

And what do you call that? Friendship? It's not what you mean, it's what it is and eveyone who read your posts has replied according to that line.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by Hauwa1: 10:54pm On Jul 09, 2009
Agatha, shine ya eyes and dont take nonsense at all. be yourself, speak ya mind. if he cheats, take him to court and run his bank empty. dont forget to deal with the ladies involved too  wink

you are his lady, so all others should get to you for whatever reason. if they need help, they should contact you.

cheesy
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by NegroNtns(m): 11:14pm On Jul 09, 2009
if he cheats, take him to court and run his bank empty

Hauwa! Hauwa!! . . . grin
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by nila07: 6:39am On Jul 10, 2009
agathamari, when i read your topic, it reminded me of my own story. Im from another african country and was married to a nigerian man. He would use cultural differences to justify his meanness and dishonesty. I will not go into the details but i will tell you that, that man tried to make my life and the live of my relatives a living hell. But God is good. Run while you can . learn to differenciate a good man from a bad one no matter the country he comes from. I learned the hard way.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by tamme: 4:21pm On Jul 11, 2009
Infidelity is not a part of our culture.
Some men are good, and others are dogs.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with our culture.
It's not normal for a married man to do those things.

very true
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by sistawoman: 3:57pm On Jul 12, 2009
here is my question:

if it is not normal but accepted practice among married men then is it not normal because it is accepted?

If it is not punished in any way than is it not accepted?
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by topup: 1:51pm On Jul 14, 2009
We should stop talking about cheating like it is an everyday occurence, it seems we've made such things much more mainstream (it's no longer swept under the rug). Everyone knows which Hollywood actress was cheated on and by who, and who's fathering babies by different mothers and we just casually flick over the page.

I believe cheating should be seen as an outrage or abomination, on both sides, it doesn't matter male or female.

Whether it's cultural is a different issue, because at first I was going to say it wasn't, but judging by the way African people talk about it. . "What do you expect." "Well, it happens." It makes me think that despite it occuring in every continent and culture around the world, it isn't as frowned upon in Africa, a country in which some areas still have high numbers of polygamous marriages and relationships, and if it isn't as frowned upon, there is less social pressure to refrain from partaking in it (in addition to all the other pressure too).

I mean is it not the president's daughter that became the fourth wife of some chief? Correct me if I'm wrong - but it doens't seem to be as big of a deal to have multiple partners (especially if you're a man) - in Africa as opposed to other countries e.g. Europe e.t.c.

*I've just realised that the poster changed the title, or had their title changed, my response was regarding the other responses.*
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by topup: 1:55pm On Jul 14, 2009
sistawoman:

here is my question:

if it is not normal but accepted practice among married men then is it not normal because it is accepted?

If it is not punished in any way than is it not accepted?

Good questions!!
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by ChinenyeN(m): 2:46pm On Jul 14, 2009
1. No, it is not cultural.

2. Indifference does not equal acceptance.

and 3.
Now in the US I have every right to demand full disclosure of what happened with them.  That anything returnable (clothing, shoes…) be returned and non returnable items (food, phone cards, money…) be refunded.  Directly from these girls to me and not through my husband.  I have the right to speak to any of them as I deem fit and that he may no longer have any direct or indirect (asking other people to talk to them) contact with any of them for any reason.  Do I have the same rights here in Nigeria?
Do you mean, by law, or as a social norm.
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by agathamari(f): 6:45pm On Jul 14, 2009
both. in the us i can sue the woman for any amount i see fit. in 13 states i can have both of them thrown in jail
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by ChinenyeN(m): 1:30am On Jul 15, 2009
agathamari:

both.  in the us i can sue the woman for any amount i see fit.  in 13 states i can have both of them thrown in jail
For infidelity?
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by agathamari(f): 1:24pm On Jul 15, 2009
ChinenyeN:

For infidelity?

yep! its not tolerated even in the slightest (that is why western divorce rates are so high)
Re: Cross Culture Relationship by ChinenyeN(m): 3:09pm On Jul 15, 2009
agathamari:

yep! its not tolerated even in the slightest (that is why western divorce rates are so high)
I guess this means that westerners cheat. . a lot. . despite the cultural codes.

Anyway, I don't know about any laws in Nigeria, regarding infidelity, but from the way I've been raised, and from what I've witnessed about Nigerians (specifically the various Igbo families I know of), infidelity is not culturally encouraged at all (from/on both sides). In fact, it is frowned upon. The thing though is that, as far as I know (and more specifically, in regards to my cultural zone), sexual matters aren't discussed. There's like a cultural code of silence in regards to anything dealing with sex (even, culturally speaking, I shouldn't be engaging in this discussion).

There's always quiet gossip though, but no intervention/confrontation/deep discussions, because it is expected that the couple in question, sort the issue out by themselves. So, these issues are all handled behind closed doors, between the parties [the couple mainly, but sometimes the families] involved, to the best of my knowledge. That's the much that I know.

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