Once the wounded spouse becomes aware of these patterns, the complexity of the infidelity and the motives for the cheating spouse - and other person as well - a flood of relief flows. The more one can make distinctions in a situation, the more refined those distinctions become, the less power that situation has to control the feelings and behavior of a person. Knowledge is power because it comes with options.

The wounded spouse is not frozen in time. The wounded spouse is NOT helpless. The wounded spouse is definitely not less than the cheating spouse and not any less than the other person. Now, the wounded spouse can actually step back, and on some level even appreciate the anguish, the disjointed striving, and the veiled inner indecision of his/her spouse. And now the wounded spouse can overcome infidelity in powerful ways, registering actions and words that disrupt this hugely destructive pattern and give hope for resolution.

Cheating is often an attempt by a man to make himself feel better. His cheating has less to do with you or with sex. Men's lame excuses for cheating must be familiar to all first wives.

"My wife doesn't understand me."
"My wife doesn't appreciate me."
"The passion has died out."
"She doesn't give me enough attention."

Is any of the above reasons true? Most of the time, it isn't. It is just an excuse to cheat. A lot of married men who cheat have strong marriages and fulfilled sex lives, but they cheat because they aren't happy about themselves. They may be feeling older, vulnerable, and losing their self esteem. Extramarital affairs with younger women make them feel powerful again.