Gladys wasn't sure when she missed the way. According to the address on the sketchy directions she had, she had been walking on the right road. Then suddenly, she turned around and realised that she was lost. The buildings around her looked strange and deserted. She was going to her auntie's house in Victoria Island, and she had never been there before. Her aunt had asked her to come and stay at her house for some months. The older lady had written that she was feeling lonely since her last daughter had left home to join her husband and start work in Abuja. Gladys was surprised at the request, as it was coming from an aunt who had not written or called Gladys or her family for over 15 years.

Gladys was the first and only daughter of her parents, and since her father's death, she lived with her other and three younger brothers in a two bedroom flat in a low cost housing estate in Enugu. She shared a room with her mum and the boys shared the other one. Gladys had travelled by the night bus and arrived in Lagos early in the morning. She had been lucky to get accurate directions from some people at the station on the bus to get to the island. On reaching the last stop, the route had seemed clear enough but now the houses around her looked strange and a bit frightening. She wrapped her arms around her body and shivered. Looking at the sketchily drawn map, she tried to find her way to the right street. Her mind went back to what her mother had said as she had drawn the map, just before leaving Enugu.

*************

What a way to start the week, Edward thought as he looked unseeing out of the large windows before him. It was a Monday, and throughout that day, he had not been able to take his mind off the girl he had seen that morning on the way to the office. She was so beautiful and innocent looking, though he hadn't thought of that when he had first seen her. He had felt suspicious of her story of being stranded and lost in Victoria Island of all places. However, it had turned out that she was telling the truth, and was indeed going to her aunt's house.

He knew that he had behaved a bit boorishly towards her, and yet he hadn't been able to behave any differently. That had been his way of ensuring that he didn't stare at her as he would have wanted. Still, the few minutes he had looked at her seemed to have imprinted her on his heart. The way her nose turned up just so; the way her eyelids drooped over her large eyes; the wonder in her gaze as she had admired the car; the way her skirt had ridden up just so to reveal shapely knees, and the other shapely curves too.

Get hold of yourself, man, he muttered to himself, hitting his head lightly with an open palm. Just then, his secretary entered the office at that moment and looked at him curiously.

"Sir, Mr. Odusote is here to see you."

"Tell him to come in", Edward told her, pretending a fascination with the papers before him, and refusing to meet her eyes.

Mr. Odusote was someone he actually did not want to meet. The man had come into the office the previous week with a recommendation from a friend of his. He had a proposal for a business which he wanted them to embark on together, but Edward had not been impressed. He had asked the man to come back so that he could have some time to give a second thought to the deal before making up his mind.

"Good day, Edward," Mr. Odusote greeted, striding confidently into the room.

"How do you do?" replied Edward, standing up to shake his hand.

"All is fine with me," his visitor replied, sitting down and adjusting his bulk in the seat. "Have you thought about what we discussed last week?"

"Yes I have, but you called and said that you had more information."

"Yes I did, and that is why I am here." Mr. Odusote placed a sheaf of papers on the desk, and went into details of the business proposal in light of the new information. Halfway through the discussion, Edward's attention drifted off.

"Are you actually listening to me?" the man groused.

"Go on", Edward replied absent-mindedly.

"This is the financial outlook, and it's very important", Mr. Odusote replied in an irritated voice.

"OK, OK, I'm all ears", Edward soothed, trying to pay full attention to the man's words.

Mr. Odusote concluded his spiel, and to Edward's relief left soon afterwards when he got a call on his mobile. By the end of the day, Edward had made up his mind. One of his life's policies was that he went after anything that he wanted, and as luck would have it, he usually got them. He knew he wanted that girl.

**********

where are the nairalanders? is this how you welcome a newbie?

Lol Myne,

Most writers, I know are quite selfish. They prefer people to read and comment on their posts/write-ups, but they fail to realize that that's exactly what other posters expect of them.

Myne, you are no exception. You should try to comment on other people's post, maybe then, they will give yours a look over. What goes around, comes around, they say.

Meanwhile, I have some critique for you. I suppose the setting for your novel is 21st century Nigeria. If that's the case, a couple of things are missing or incompatible in this chapter.

1. Most university graduate are able to afford some form of mobile phones, especially those traveling to Lagos, or already in Lagos. Glady's should be no exception. If she has one, then why is she not using it.

2. Lets assume she doesn't have one. Then she should be calling her aunty, not reading some maps.

3. Her rich aunt should also have a mobile phone. I don't subscribe to the idea that she drew a map which she manage to send to gladys.

4. Did you say she wrote to Gladys? No! I'm not buying that. She'll probably call or send an email. Rich people hardly write!

5. Finally, for someone who you claimed is a graduate, and who also claimed she can take care of herself - a big girl - Gladys was portrayed as naive, dump, foolish, stupid, and with very low self esteem. This is evident in her getting into a strange car, driven by an unfriendly, arrogant but handsome guy, without much coercion . And what's more, she still admire the interior of the car, not minding if she is been kidnapped!!

Hmmmn, I'm not trying to discourage you, but I would like you to be more consistent with the characterization, and human behaviour.

Carry on.

WELCOME and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!

Thanks emeka gh

I can see where you're coming from. I am a newbie but I will take your advice and go around to see what others are doing.

To your comments. Actually this story was written with late 20th century Nigeria timing. I am trying to update so thanks for pointing out some inconsistencies. Gladys is not a big girl, just a graduate from a poor background. She has not visited Lagos before but I don't think that makes her foolish and stupid. Otherwise, you got the character right; she is naive and trusting, with low self esteem. Maybe I'll tighten her act too.

Thanks again for reading and the great comments.

@ Topic
A tad wordy (Sometimes we really don't have to know everything your characters feel when they feel it).

Feel free to assume your readers are. . . errr. . . SMART!!!  

Like it still.

Welcome Aboard!

emeka_gh:

Lol Myne,

Most writers, I know a quite selfish. They prefer people to read and comment on their posts/write-ups, but they fail to realize that that's exactly what other posters are like.

Myne, you are no exception. You should try to comment on other people's post, maybe then, they will give yours a look over. What goes around, comes around, they say.

Meanwhile, I have some critique for you. I suppose the setting fro your novel is 21st century Nigeria. If that the case. A couple of things are missing in this chapter.

1. Most university graduate are able to afford some form of mobile phone, especially those travelling to Lagos, or already in Lagos. Glady's should be no exception. If she has one, then why is she not using it.

2. Her rich aunt should also have a mobile phone. I don't subscribe to the fact, that she drew a map which she manage to send to glady.

3. Did you say she wrote to Gladys? Naa, I don't buy that. She'll probably call or send an email.

4. Finally, for someone who you claimed is a graduate, and who also claimed she can take care of herself - a big girl - Gladys was portrayed as naive, dump, foolish, stupid and with very low self esteem. This is evident in her getting into a strange car, driven by an unfriendly but handsome guy. And what more, she still admire the interior of the car, not minding if she is been kidnapped!!

Hmmmn, I'm not trying to discourage you, but I would like you to be more consistent with the characterization, and human behaviour.

Carry on.

1) Guess you haven't encountered people so poor they can't afford mobile phones phones and given a choice to have a celly and putting food on the table, they'd rather bellefull.

2) If the author has already established that GLADYS HAS NO PHONE, what difference does it make if Aunty has one? It ain't like she can call and have Gladys get the message by plucking it out of thin air.

3) I don't know where you are but I'll tell you this. . . not all Nigerians (especially the OLDER set)  use emails and we've already established that she can't call Gladys coz. . .ya know the poor girl has no phone!!!!

4) Errr. . . again I don't know what Utopia ya live but being book smart does not equal street smart. Besides Gladys is NAIVE AND whatever else you called her because she is not in her territory. . .I mean she just arrived in Lagos, no?

Not trying to discourage your criticism but if anything the author was consistent with his characterization. . . you just failed to see it.

Finally, GLADYS admiring the interior of the car while being kidnapped (Hmmm. . .Yeah, we are just gonna ignore the fact that she wasn't really being kidnapped). . .Anyhoo that action can be chucked down to PSYCHOLOGY baby!!! Ya ever been in a situation where your mind just shuts down or takes a flight of fancy as a defense mechanism?

Sisi Jinx:

@ Topic
A tad wordy (Sometimes we really don't have to know everything your characters feel when they feel it).

Feel free to assume your readers are. . . errr. . . SMART!!!  

Like it still.

Welcome Aboard!

1) Guess you haven't encountered people so poor they can't afford mobile phones phones and given a choice to have a celly and putting food on the table, they'd rather bellefull.

2) If the author has already established that GLADYS HAS NO PHONE, what difference does it make if Aunty has one? It ain't like she can call and have Gladys get the message by plucking it out of thin air.

3) I don't know where you are but I'll tell you this. . . not all Nigerians (especially the OLDER set)  use emails and we've already established that she can't call Gladys coz. . .ya know the poor girl has no phone!!!!

4) Errr. . . again I don't know what Utopia ya live but being book smart does not equal street smart. Besides Gladys is NAIVE AND whatever else you called her because she is not in her territory. . .I mean she just arrived in Lagos, no?

Not trying to discourage your criticism but if anything the author was consistent with his characterization. . . you just failed to see it.

Finally, GLADYS admiring the interior of the car while being kidnapped (Hmmm. . .Yeah, we are just gonna ignore the fact that she wasn't really being kidnapped). . .Anyhoo that action can be chucked down to PSYCHOLOGY baby!!! Ya ever been in a situation where your mind just shuts down or takes a flight of fancy as a defense mechanism?

lol Sisi Jinx, it's not about me. The writer has clarified that the setting is 20th century Nigeria. Hence most of the issues I raise may not apply.
However the core of those issues remains the facts that in 21st century Nigeria, one of the parties will have a mobile phone - at least the rich aunty. The lady, Gladys, can call her from a call/business center scattered all over Lagos.  Hence, gladys may not need to read a map, she will probably call and ask for direction or describe where she is.

Anyway, like I said the writer has clarified, there is no point over flogging the matter. And I'm glad she saw my points.

Peace.

@SeunT21,

Thanks for reading and the welcome.



@Sisi Jinx,

A tad wordy (Sometimes we really don't have to know everything your characters feel when they feel it).

Feel free to assume your readers are. . . errr. . . SMART!!! Tongue

Like it still.

I appreciate the comments and will bear that in mind going forward. Thanks.

emeka_gh:

lol Sisi Jinx, it's not about me. The writer has clarified that the setting is 20th century Nigeria. Hence most of the issues I raise may not apply.
However the core of those issues remains the facts that in 21st century Nigeria, one of the parties will have a mobile phone - at least the rich aunty. The lady, Gladys, can call her from a call/business center scattered all over Lagos.  Hence, gladys may not need to read a map, she will probably call and ask for direction or describe where she is.

Anyway, like I said the writer has clarified, there is no point over flogging the matter. And I'm glad she saw my points.

Peace.

Tee hee hee. . .came on too strong, didn't I?

Gah! I have to work on that. LOL.

Anyhoo, not trying to beat a dead horse or flog one to death but 'twas William Blake who said Invent your own mythology or be slave to another man’s.


@ Myne White
When is the next chapter?

Sisi Jinx:

Tee hee hee. . .came on too strong, didn't I?

Gah! I have to work on that. LOL.

Anyhoo, not trying to beat a dead horse or flog one to death but 'twas William Blake who said Invent your own mythology or be slave to another man’s.


@ Myne White
When is the next chapter?

lol. On the contrary. However you did raise some issues. Addressing it was my concern, not the strength or otherwise of your tone. Text don't bite!

CHAPTER TWO


A week after her arrival, Gladys was stretching out on the balcony in contentment as she breathed the fresh ocean breeze. Everything was going as smoothly as she had prayed. A knock sounded on her door and she went to open it. It was Bunmi the maid.

"Good evening, auntie", the girl greeted.

Gladys noticed that she was still stammering as she continued. "Madam wants to know when you will be down for dinner."

"I'll be down in thirty minutes."

"OK, auntie", the girl replied, and moved away.

About half and hour later, Gladys came downstairs and sat down at the dinner table with a resolute air. After this week in her aunt's house, she was determined to speak plainly. Her aunt's behaviour was so different from what she expected. She had been overcome by thoughts of what was behind the change, and looked up as the object of her thoughts came in.

"How was your day?" her aunt asked, sitting down at the head of the table.

"Very fine, auntie. I went to hand in an application early this morning, and I decided to do some sightseeing afterwards. You know this is my first time in Lagos." The last was meant as an innuendo, but it sailed over her aunt's head like water of the back of a duck.

"Oh really?" she murmured.

"Yes", Gladys replied. "You see, nobody had ever invited me here for holidays before."

Her aunt looked at her sharply and said stiffly, "Gladys, if there is something on your mind, please say it and stop beating around the bush. I am still your aunt, after all."

"Well, auntie", Gladys sighed, "there is something that I have been meaning to ask you."

Her aunt remained silent, so she bit the bullet.

"For someone who seemed not to know that her brother's family existed, your recent attitude towards me has been very confusing."

"You have to explain yourself more plainly, Gladys."

"Before now, I had only seen you three times in Enugu, and never in the last fifteen years since after my dad's burial. What is the problem? Do you have any issues with my mother? Did you oppose the marriage or what?"

"If that is what your mother told you, it is not true", her aunt protested.

"She never said anything on the subject, but I can't help making my own judgments. You are my father's only sister, yet you have not been as close as would be expected. We've never met your children; you hardly ever ask about our welfare nor invited us over for holidays. You’re wealthier, but have never helped my mum even in our time of need after our dad's death."

Her aunt who had put her cutlery down during the tirade now bowed her head. She should be ashamed of herself, Gladys thought, and she continued mercilessly with memories of the past washing over her. "Were you ashamed of your origins? Shamed that your brother was not as rich as you and your tycoon husband? Wanting to forget that you were ever poor?"

"Gladys, that's enough," her aunt chided.

"No, auntie. You said that I should say what's on my mind. I came here not sure how I would be received, so I find your kindness, your niceness, very confusing, "

"Gladys, listen. You are not a child anymore, so I'm not going to hide anything from you. The only reason it is possible for you to be here now is because I am a widow."

@ Myne White
When is the next chapter?

I have just posted it. What do you think, still wordy?

Maybe you could give me a specific example? A paragraph or so, thanks!

I just read a thread about people looking for manuscripts. Anyone interested?

Gladys was on the beach playing with the guy. She pushed him into the sea and ran off laughing. He came out of the water and pursued her till he caught up with her. Then he swung her up and around till she screamed with delight and joy.

"Gladys, Gladys!" The sound of her name wiped the dreamy smile off her face and she sprang out of bed. It was Friday afternoon, and she had been relaxing in the bedroom when her aunt’s loud call had jerked her out of her daydream. She left the room hurriedly to answer the call.

"What is it, auntie?" she asked as she entered the living room downstairs.

Her aunt was watching television but looked up when she walked in. "Sit down, Gladys. I want to ask you something." She gestured to the seat beside her. "Are you free this weekend?"

"Yes auntie. Is there anything you want me to do for you?"

"Not really, but I was hoping that we might be able to go for a dinner party together. I haven't really taken you out since you came, have I?"

"Er, " Gladys' thoughts wandered off at the thought of an outing as she was reminded of her daydream. She had wanted to go to the Bar Beach, but she hadn't gotten round to it. And it was strange that she should be dreaming of someone that she had not met. Gladys came back to the present to catch the tail end of her aunt's monologue, ", stop keeping you to myself."

"Sorry, auntie, my attention wandered for a moment."

Her aunt stopped talking, looked at her briefly and repeated. "A friend called and invited me for a dinner party yesterday, and it's for next week Saturday. I want to take you with me."

"A dinner party for your friend? Will there be young people there?"

"Oh, you're worried that you might stick out. Actually, it's in honour of her son who just returned from London after completing his doctorate. So I'm sure there'll be quite a few young people."

Gladys began thinking of what to wear. "Erm, " she murmured, "what is the dress code?"

"That wasn’t stated but it's at the Ocean View Restaurant, so probably classy." Her aunt continued. "Do you have anything suitable to wear?"

"I think I can go in one of my office suits."

"No, no, no,  those will not do at all." Seeing Gladys’s face turning stony, she soft-pedaled quickly. "I don't mean that the suits are not good enough; in fact, they suit you very well, and are very good for the office. But this party will need a different type of outfit."

Gladys relaxed and said, "Then I'll find something else to wear."

"My dear, haven't you got the message? I want us to go shopping!" her aunt announced.

"Auntie, I don't think I can afford to pay for a good dress right now."

"Don't worry Am I not your aunt?" Her aunt got up and adjusted her wrapper. "I love shopping and nothing will make me happier than paying for anything that you want. Go get ready."

"Thanks, auntie!" Gladys replied, jumping up and giving her aunt a big hug.

Her aunt smiled and hurried her on. "Go on, go on - it's not a problem.”

Gladys smiled and ran lightly upstairs.

**********

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful. Just confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines. Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

"Where are we going to?” Gladys asked Edward as she got into the car.

"You'll know when we get there, it's a surprise." He turned to smile at her before driving off.

awww, i'm lovin' it

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful. Just confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines. Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

well. i find your new chapter 1 much remodelled than the very ist. it does feels like the beginning of something,a first draft. however i still think there are some things missing. i do hope u pick them up as u write. its your ist attempt at writing, right?

Thumbs up girl

You are getting there

Next chapter please

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful. Just confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines. Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

@ Myne White

It's a warm, big story you've got there. It's the kind that sort of grows on its readers. I'm looking forward to the budding romance btw Gladys and Edward. But let me give you a secret tip, from one writer to another: I try as much as possible to avoid giving my star characters mundane, every day names. I could spend a week trying to think up or find an exotic name for my main female/male character, so that they draw your attention from the first page even before you start to know them. All in all, a cuteish novel. Do something ambitious to it, babe!

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful. Just confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines. Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

@ Myne White

It's a warm, big story you've got there. It's the kind that sort of grows on its readers. I'm looking forward to the budding romance btw Gladys and Edward. But let me give you a secret tip, from one writer to another: I try as much as possible to avoid giving my star characters mundane, every day names. I could spend a week trying to think up or find an exotic name for my main female/male character, so that they draw your attention from the first page even before you start to know them. All in all, a cuteish novel. Do something ambitious to it, babe!

Thanks for that comment Sugabelle. This is the first draft so I'll consider it going forward.

I have been trying to put up more posts of the book and it keeps diappearing. Please what's going on?

well. i find your new chapter 1 much remodelled than the very ist. it does feels like the beginning of something,a first draft. however i still think there are some things missing. i do hope u pick them up as u write. its your ist attempt at writing, right?

Thanks for your comment. This is the first draft and I will try to polish it as I go along. Please what exactly do you think is missing that I need to pick up? I would appreciate you pointing them out so I can work on them directly. Cheers.

So far so good Myne.

I notice however, that you are churning out quite a lot of character - Atinuke, Ekene, Odusote, Bunmi, well if you can manage them, all well and good.
The relationship between Gladys and Edward is moving in my opinion rather fast. I hope they can both cope. I foresee a whirlwind!
Anyway, you are the one with the imagination.

Carry on.

Thanks Emeka, some of the characters are waka pass.

But something is happening which I don't understand. I upload the next installment and then I can't see it again. Thank God, I am not typing here or I would be devastated. Maybe you can help me here by letting me know where or who to complain to. Thanks again.

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful. Just confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines. Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

Gladys was lost in thought; it had been a full day. It was almost a year since she moved to Lagos and her life was wonderful.

She has just been confirmed as a Sales Rep in the job she had gotten a few months after she arrived, she was really happy. The position was demanding but the large corporation paid very well. She was good friends with some girls from the office and always went out for lunch on the Island with Ola, her new best friend. Sometimes she had to restrain her fingers from giving her skin a pinch to wake herself from the dream.

Her romance with Edward also made her the envy of a lot of girls in Lagos who read of it on the pages of City People. They were together now for over seven months and as she was his partner at high profile occasions; their pictures were often in celebrity magazines.

Those close to them spoke of the respect and courtesy with which he treated her and the amount of time they spent together. When in the country, he tried to bring her in to work and called at least once during the day. They had not been planning to meet up today but Edward texted to say his evening meeting was cancelled. He wanted to surprise her. A knock on her bedroom door drew her out of the reverie and she was informed that he was waiting downstairs.

"Where are we going to?” Gladys asked Edward as she got into the car.

"You'll know when we get there, it's a surprise." He turned to smile at her before driving off.

"Why won't you tell me now?”

"Not yet, wait till we get there. Or you can try guessing"

“Oh Edward, you know I don't like guessing games. This date itself is a surprise.”

He travelled abroad a lot so most of their dates were set in advance. After work, either alone or with friends, they usually found a quiet spot for some conversation topped with ice cream or drinks. Some dates were to her book club literary events or he introduced her to some out of the way place. Bukas, thrift shops and markets he had frequented as a student at the University of Lagos during his first years in the city. On Fridays, she freshened up in his office en suite bathroom before they headed out for a longer evening on the town. They managed some weekends together, usually at the Lekki beach, which he favored, or watching movies and sports on his big screen TV.

OK do you know what?”

"What is that?” Edward smoothly avoided another car.

"My boss wrote me a query yesterday. He says I nod off at my desk."

"So you are one of those people who sleep, " Edward drawled slitting his eyes.

"Of course not! I actually enjoy my duties?"

You do not sleep on the job?”

“No I do not.”

"Is that your final answer or do you want to phone a friend?” Edward deadpanned.

Gladys laughed easily. She could always count on having fun with Edward though there were some major hiccups they were still tackling.

She was a dedicated Christian while Edward only attended church occasionally and was often jealous of the time they could be spending together. He equally disagreed fiercely with her giving to the church instead of like him, donating to charities. She felt she could split her giving several ways but he insisted that church administration chopped into what deserving organizations could be getting. If they weren’t embezzled first, how much hands-on good did churches do, he queried? Gladys had ended that argument by saying she would think about it. Differing Christian principles were also at the back of their disagreement on whether or when to have sex. But now wasn’t the time to think about all that, she’ll have her fun tonight.

"Actually, I was only trying to pull your legs. It was not a query I received."

"Really? Well my legs are quite busy now so please stop pulling them." They laughed together at that and then he asked, "But what did you receive?”

"That's the deal. I won't tell you unless you tell me where we're headed. Edward please, "

He looked at her and laughed. "So you thought to make a stand? I didn’t think so.”

She laughed with him but worried that he didn’t respect her wishes. At the beginning of their relationship she had insisted that she didn't want him to buy her anything. However, after his last trip to the States, he gave her an expensive gold link watch plus a designer bottle of perfume. It started with cheap ceramic figurines, which he bought her at Balogun Market. When she accepted those, he started showering her with gifts. There was the evening gown he had presented her with when he asked her to accompany him to the company’s end of year party. Then the matching leather shoe and handbag set he purchased from Italy for her birthday which she had graciously accepted.

Her aunt wasn’t very happy and warned of the danger of accepting expensive gifts from men particularly when you couldn't reciprocate. Gladys knew that but couldn’t see how to explain to Edward without sounding fake or churlish.

She didn’t have long to wonder if this was another incident of him not taking her serious because they soon arrived at a restaurant. Gladys was surprised to see her friend Ola walking up to the car. She opened the door and stepped out.

"What a coincidence!” She said as her friend drew level with her.

"I don't think it is," Ola said pointing at the group near the doors of the building.

Gladys looked up and gasped; she looked over to Edward who had just finished locking up the car. "Congratulations." He smiled innocently at her and turned to Ola, "Allow me to use this opportunity to congratulate you on your confirmation too."

"How did you know?” Ola asked. Gladys was speechless, mouth open and eyes set on Edward.

"Let’s just say I have an ear to the ground." Edward replied striding around the car to Gladys side. He took her arm and gave her a brief kiss.

"So this is your surprise?”

"Yes, a congratulatory party. Do you still not like surprises?”

“I love this one," she answered giving him a big hug.

Ola laughed at them. "This was exactly what Azeez did to me when we arrived," she said to Gladys as they walked across the parking lot. "I told him about the confirmation just this evening but I can tell you that this is not a couple of hours work."

"The guys really did a good work, and secretly too!” Gladys agreed.

"Three of our colleagues in the office are here with their partners and your guess is as good as mine which of them planned this." Ola said moving over to her fiance's side.

Gladys had her own suspicions but she just smiled and as they joined the noisy set, she good-naturedly accepted the greetings of her friends with Edward by her side.

The confirmation was great news but had got her worrying about her future. She was in love with Edward yet while he was the perfect partner, he had never once said he loved her or made any comments to suggest anything more permanent for their relationship.

"Is that your final answer or do you want to phone a friend?" Lol, that was funny. Edward sounds like my kind of guy . Love the humour, Myne White. But is there a prob with this topic cos there's a mix-up with the last post. I had to go to your profile to find this. Anyhow, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for your next one!

Myne White

I did a post last week on my trend where I complained about the dearth of good critique on Nairaland. I said in the post that you should send me your e-mail so I can attach the correction and the comments my software (StyleWriter) did on your first chapter as an attachment. Maybe you don’t want to share your e-mail. If this is the case, good luck. I’ll delete what I did. Below is my own comment on your first chapter. What I wrote is my honest opinion. You may want to disagree with some of my comments. That is what critique is all about.
Best regards.


I based my critique on your first page, which now formatted are more than two pages. As much as I would love to read further, I am limited by time, but the SyleWriter corrections covers the whole of your first chapter.

MECHANICAL and/or TECHNICAL CHALLENGES:

Passive voice: Write in an active voice so that what is happening in the story is happening now in the reader’s mind. Show don’t tell. Often writers use psychic distance in their books, and more often than not writers create it through author intrusion.
e.g Then suddenly, she turned around and realised she was lost. “realised” is a filter. Do your best to delete all of them. The author is telling the reader what the character is thinking. You are filtering what is occurring in the novel from the character through you the writer to the reader.

Your punctuation should always be inside your quote.

Start a new conversation on a new paragraph

Write your novel in double space and indented at .5 inch. See what I did to your first page. To indent, go to FORMAT on Microsoft Word. Under INDENTING, go to SPECIAL and pick first line. The indenting should be .5 inch at the default. If it is not change BY to 0.5”

Let your reader get a clear idea of what you meant.
When you said “Gladys… she lived with her other and three younger brothers … Do you mean she lived with her older brother and three younger ones?
You said, “The older lady had written …” Older than who?

Some tips to make your writings better:
1.Use active voice. Eliminate (if you can) words like ‘was’ ‘is’ ‘were etc. from your writing. Especially ‘was’ This may be difficult at first; when you get the hang of it, your writing will be super.
2.Paint the picture of the scenes in your mind before you put them on paper.
3.Eliminate needless words e.g ‘in order to’
4.Stay away from ‘had’ ‘have’ etc.
5.Ditch all adverbs***** “Moses laughed heartily” should be “Moses laughed”
6.Ditch filtering words like, ‘thought’ ‘wondered’ ‘considered’ ‘hoped’ ‘realised’ etc.
7.Do a complete search on weak words.
8.The longer the sentences, the more the mistakes.
9.Avoid ‘ing’ words. Change ‘the sun was rising’ to ‘the sun rose’
10. Avoid dialogue tags e.g ‘he complained’ ‘she moaned’ ‘she teased’ Use action instead.
11. Eliminate intruder words like ‘notice’ ‘remember’ ‘was’ “The room was dark and cold” to “Billy walked into a dark and cold room” “laughter was in her throat” to “she laughed”
12. Don’t tell the reader somebody is a jealous tyrant. Show him by his action. Don’t say he is fabulously rich. Show him by the way he lives. Describe his surroundings.