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5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by khalhokage(m): 4:50am On May 07, 2016 |
Not everybody realizes that many of the most iconic features of Christianity were never mentioned by the holy book or the church, but were actually pulled from the ass of some poet or artist years after God turned in his final draft of the Bible. Things like ... [size=18pt]5. Angels[/size] The image of an angel is so recognizable that you can immediately spot one if somebody makes its shape in some snow. They're sparkly people with two white wings and occasionally swords, who sit on clouds ripping out awesome harp solos while protecting humans from harm. The Only Problem Is ... Now, there are angels in the Bible. But if you encountered some of the angels it describes, you'd probably need a shotgun under your bed to sleep soundly for the rest of your life.* *NOTE: that is a joke. If angels turn out to be real, and you encounter one, do not shoot it with a shotgun. There are several kinds of angels in the Bible and you've probably heard about some of them, like archangels, cherubim and seraphim. They all look different, and very few actually have wings. Those who do, like the seraphim, actually have six wings and need all of them to cover their body, lest they blind/incinerate whoever is unlucky enough to bump into one. Then there are the thrones, which are described in the Bible as "wheels within wheels," the rims of which are covered in eyes. Then we have the cutest order of angels, the cherubim. As we all know, a cherub is a baby angel, usually with a little bow and arrow and a leaf protecting his modesty. Except that Ezekiel 10:14 describes them as frightening four-headed monstrosities that included the faces of a man, an eagle and a lion. Actually Came From: Painters took liberties when portraying angels, and just like putting capes on superheroes, giving them wings was a visually interesting way to identify who was the angel in a painting full of regular dudes (wings were also used in the early church to denote that these creatures lived in the sky). Archangels like Michael and Gabriel were given contemporary military garb. Cherubs in particular didn't get their extreme makeover until Renaissance sculptors revived the ancient practice of putti , which depicted cute babies dancing and playing around on infant tombs. The rediscovery and reimplementation of these little cuties brought Cupid-esque cherubs into vogue, as demonstrated by Tomba di Ilaria del Carretto. Lastly, the thing about the harps was actually invented by John Milton who wrote about angels "plucking harps" in Paradise Lost, basically just because it was the cutest thing he could pull out of his arse. [size=18pt]4. The Devil Is Red and Has Horns, a Pitchfork and Goat Legs [size=18pt]3. The Holy Grail [/size] The cup that Jesus drank out of during the Last Supper is the ultimate lost treasure, having become a slang term for anything long sought-after or world-changing. And while the Indiana Jones franchise seems to think drinking from the legendary cup will grant you eternal life and heal gunshot wounds, the exact kind of magic powers we can expect to obtain when we find it is a matter of dispute. Also, there's the question of whether it's a cup, a bowl or, as Dan Brown speculated, a holy vagina . The Only Problem Is ... If you try to find the story of the magical cup in the Bible, you'll wind up flipping around confused, thinking you've got an abridged version or something. While the Bible does mention Jesus using a cup during the Last Supper, the cup itself is not treated any more importantly than anything else in the scene. It'd make just as much sense to say the table itself is holy, or the chairs, or the menu, or the leftovers. Actually Came From: The Holy Grail was first invoked just as a plot-driving device in the legend of King Arthur. Even then, the item that Arthur's army sought was not Jesus' cup at all -- it was a magic cauldron . Since cauldrons were used quite often at parties and Celtic sleepovers, having a magic cauldron would come off today like a plate of nachos that never ended or a bottomless beer keg. It was the French poet Chretien de Troyes who reinterpreted the Arthurian legend as a quest for the Holy Grail. And even then , the Grail was not a cup, but rather something resembling a really nice serving dish. No, it was another poet, Robert de Boron, who planted the Jesus-cup story in the world's consciousness. According to his (quite fictional) masterwork Joseph d'Arimathe , the cup was used by Joseph of Arimathea to collect Jesus' blood and sweat after his crucifixion. It was his possession of the Grail that granted him the Jesus-powers to survive his own death and burial, and then for some reason he delivered it to Britain. This provided not only the first description of the Grail as Jesus' cup, but also an explanation as to why the hell we're looking for a piece of Israeli tableware in goddamn England. |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by khalhokage(m): 5:06am On May 07, 2016 |
[size=18pt]#2. The Antichrist[/size] [size=18pt]1. Hell: Everything Other Than the Fire[/size] Hell is a place of eternal torment, a realm of unrelenting suffering for all sinners, heretics and unbelievers. It is a land of fire and brimstone arranged into nine circles and filled with imps and demons who deal out cruelly ironic punishments for all of eternity. Ruling over all of it is Satan, who probably sits on a throne made of skulls or something. The Only Problem Is ... Of all that, the only part you'll find in the Bible is the fact that Hell sucks and that there is fire (from passages like Matthew 13:42: "And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth ." ) And ... that's as specific as it gets. Actually Came From: As usual, artists and writers took those vague descriptions and ran with them. The understanding of hell as a fiery subterranean cavern full of lava and demons shoving flutes up your ass for eternity owes its popularity largely to the medieval double-team of Dante and Hieronymus Bosch. Dante's Inferno popularized the idea of hell as a nine-level first-person-shooter. He pioneered the concept of contrapasso , the idea that prisoners of hell are subject to ironic tortures related to the sins that brought them there. Like the "flatterers," who spent their lives bullshitting, and were forced in hell to "wallow in shit" for eternity. Then the Dutch artist, Bosch, came along and painted it. As for Satan being the ruler of hell, that's a misconception we can probably blame on John Milton. In Paradise Lost, Satan famously bitched: "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." But there's a reason why God cast Satan and his minions into hell instead of Sambisa : Hell sucks for everyone including imps and demons. According to 2 Peter 2:4: "God did not spare the angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell, putting them into chains of darkness to be held for judgment." That's right, chains and prisons ... for them . No iron fortresses, no fiery thrones, no mention of Satan ruling the cell block ... all of that is from the Bible's extended universe and fan fiction. Cracked 1 Like |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by Destined2win: 5:14am On May 07, 2016 |
Let me sit here, alert me when this makes FP on sunday |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by Itoro350(m): 5:47am On May 07, 2016 |
I don't want to comment now |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by dkronicle(m): 5:48am On May 07, 2016 |
Choiii |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by werrindey1: 5:56am On May 07, 2016 |
Wait make I. Go buy pop corn, e be like say this film go sweet well |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by stnkembu(m): 6:22am On May 07, 2016 |
Interesting. |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by Flexherbal(m): 6:29am On May 07, 2016 |
Ok. Your findings! |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by khalhokage(m): 6:42am On May 07, 2016 |
Flexherbal: Lol, you're speaking as if this is a matter of opinion not fact, if there's any doubt open your Bible crosscheck everything written here then come back to call me out on posting lies or inaccurate information. This isn't a matter of "your findings", it's a matter of this is a lie here's the truth and here's the proof. Lalasticlala , ishilove happy Sunday o |
Re: 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible by Nobody: 2:09pm On May 07, 2016 |
khalhokage:Analice107..... are you seeing what i'm seeing what i'm seeing 1 Like 1 Share |
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