The Other Side- Maro's Tale

“Maro will kill himself one day.” That thought crossed Tiemor’s mind as he braked sharply, causing the Toyota Jeep he was driving to lurch forward. He watched as Maro narrowly missing the tires, dashed to the other side of the gate, then to that same spot at the garage, where he would wait each time Tiemor returned, always the first to receive him home. He smiled as he maneuvered the vehicle slowly into the garage, “On second thought, I will be the one to kill him,” he reflected aloud, “na that kain story people go like to hear”. The empty space on the other side of the garage confirmed what he had already felt in his gut, his wife Temisan would never be at home to hold him back from running to the gate, and wondered why the gateman could not hold him back.

The subject of his thoughts was busy jumping by the driver’s door, struggling to open it. Maro was always delighted to see him. ‘At least someone in the family cares,’ Tiemor reflected as he opened the door slowly and picked him up. He could not hear a word of what Maro was babbling about, but he knew in his heart that somewhere in those mumblings, Maro called him “dad”. That thought cheered him as he struggled with his keys to open the front door, file in one hand, Maro on the other. He had never liked coming back to an empty house, he had his younger sisters living with him before he got married. Their cousins in tow, they made sure his home never lacked warmth. They would tease him endlessly about his singleness and even nicknamed him 'Mr Darcy'. He smiled as he recalled the 'gentleman of good fortune' in the Pride and Prejudice series. But he had always kept quiet, enjoying their banter and they would tease him some more. But all that changed when Temisan stepped in.

Peters the gateman watched as Oga Tiemor fumbled with the door. He knew he should be helping him with his excess luggage, the heaviest of which was Maro. But he purposely hung behind, Oga T wouldn’t even mind. In fact he had shown him kindness from the day he was engaged and treated him as an older man should be treated, with respect. In truth, he wasn’t comfortable with Maro around. Oga T loved him even more than his own son and Maro loved him in return. Peters himself knew he liked Maro too, very much in fact, but the feeling was not mutual. Maro always behaved funnily whenever they were left alone, and he had noticed that he guardedly followed him around as he went about his duties.

His job was easy, especially when only Oga T was in town- open the gate, sweep the compound, weed the flowers and prune them. He wasn’t even allowed to wash the cars, Oga T had that chore himself and seemed to take pleasure doing so. Well, he wasn’t going to complain. Moreover, it was a constant source of amusement for his friend and colleague who lived down the street. He would tease and they would laugh over the big “Oga who would wash his cars himself and his wife who would not stay at home.” Peters reflected on the two months he had worked as a gateman, here and concluded that he liked it here. Except for the occasions were madam had forcibly added cooking to his duties, he really liked it here. But he could never admit that he "cooked for madam" to anyone, as he would be branded for life. He knew what it had taken to convince his wife in the village that he would not come to Warri to work as a cook, a profession which some his kinsmen were well known for. As for Maro, he could dislike him all he wanted, but he Peters Akpan had his own plans for him.


NB: Dear Nairalanders,
This is my first attempt at writing, the story continues in my head. But before I go on and on, please tell, what do you think?

Uzygirl,

for first attempt that was smashing!! I totally enjoyed the tale except in places where i had to read almost 3 times over to know who you were refering to.
Excellent tale, makes me almost want to go back and pick up my pen again!

Is Maro an adult, child, or puppy?

Seun:

Is Maro an adult, child, or puppy?

Maro can talk and an adult cannot be carried



U've done well. Try to bring it out more and u've got a top book

Seun:

Is Maro an adult, child, or puppy?

Thanks guys, its supposed to be suspense too. Some parts of the story are still sketchy in my imagination, but I want to finish Maro's tale.
After reading this piece, what other questions would you like to be answered?

I don't think we want suspense on the identity of a key character.
We can't identify with characters we can't imagine with our minds.
Where suspense can come in is when the key character is confused about the identity of maybe the villian.
If this is Maro's Tale, then we must be able to imagine what Maro looks like.
That's just my opinion as a lay person who is interested in the world of stories.

Seun:

Is Maro an adult, child, or puppy?

adults do not "babble" neither do puppies struggle to open doors and say "dad"!

Seun:

I don't think we want suspense on the identity of a key character.
We can't identify with characters we can't imagine with our minds.
Where suspense can come in is when the key character is confused about the identity of maybe the villian.
If this is Maro's Tale, then we must be able to imagine what Maro looks like.
That's just my opinion as a lay person who is interested in the world of stories.

With all due respect obantalapipi of Nairaland, this is highly irrelevant. the story so far has been beautifully crafted! It is not difficult to imagine that Maro is most likely about 2-3 yrs old (the fact that he can walk and run but is still "struggling" with words).

The story does not have to be a direct interpretation of the title and suspense on a "key" character is the discretion of the writer! this is not a play.

for a first draft i have to admit I really think your story is fab. i like your intro of the characters, though i think you haven't done character development especially on Marco as he is the first character we are introduced to yet we are left hanging when it comes to depth of his identity.

It's been really cool so far, i hope you intend on finishing it

Ok. Correction taken. It's a good effort, and we want more!

uzygirl:

The Other Side- Maro's Tale

“Maro will kill himself one day.” That thought crossed Tiemor’s mind as he braked sharply, causing the Toyota Jeep he was driving to lurch forward. He watched as Maro narrowly missing the tires, dashed to the other side of the gate, then to that same spot at the garage, where he would wait each time Tiemor returned, always the first to receive him home. He smiled as he maneuvered the vehicle slowly into the garage, “On second thought, I will be the one to kill him,” he reflected aloud, “na that kain story people go like to hear”. The empty space on the other side of the garage confirmed what he had already felt in his gut, his wife Temisan would never be at home to hold him back from running to the gate, and wondered why the gateman could not hold him back.

The subject of his thoughts was busy jumping by the driver’s door, struggling to open it. Maro was always delighted to see him. ‘At least someone in the family cares,’ Tiemor reflected as he opened the door slowly and picked him up. He could not hear a word of what Maro was babbling about, but he knew in his heart that somewhere in those mumblings, Maro called him “dad”. That thought cheered him as he struggled with his keys to open the front door, file in one hand, Maro on the other. He had never liked coming back to an empty house, he had his younger sisters living with him before he got married. Their cousins in tow, they made sure his home never lacked warmth. They would tease him endlessly about his singleness and even nicknamed him 'Mr Darcy'. He smiled as he recalled the 'gentleman of good fortune' in the Pride and Prejudice series. But he had always kept quiet, enjoying their banter and they would tease him some more. But all that changed when Temisan stepped in.

Peters the gateman watched as Oga Tiemor fumbled with the door. He knew he should be helping him with his excess luggage, the heaviest of which was Maro. But he purposely hung behind, Oga T wouldn’t even mind. In fact he had shown him kindness from the day he was engaged and treated him as an older man should be treated, with respect. In truth, he wasn’t comfortable with Maro around. Oga T loved him even more than his own son and Maro loved him in return. Peters himself knew he liked Maro too, very much in fact, but the feeling was not mutual. Maro always behaved funnily whenever they were left alone, and he had noticed that he guardedly followed him around as he went about his duties.

His job was easy, especially when only Oga T was in town- open the gate, sweep the compound, weed the flowers and prune them. He wasn’t even allowed to wash the cars, Oga T had that chore himself and seemed to take pleasure doing so. Well, he wasn’t going to complain. Moreover, it was a constant source of amusement for his friend and colleague who lived down the street. He would tease and they would laugh over the big “Oga who would wash his cars himself and his wife who would not stay at home.” Peters reflected on the two months he had worked as a gateman, here and concluded that he liked it here. Except for the occasions were madam had forcibly added cooking to his duties, he really liked it here. But he could never admit that he "cooked for madam" to anyone, as he would be branded for life. He knew what it had taken to convince his wife in the village that he would not come to Warri to work as a cook, a profession which some his kinsmen were well known for. As for Maro, he could dislike him all he wanted, but he Peters Akpan had his own plans for him.


NB: Dear Nairalanders,
This is my first attempt at writing, the story continues in my head. But before I go on and on, please tell, what do you think?

I read and I did not stop until the last word. And that means your prose deserves the appreciation.

I advise you to know what kind of prose you want to write and study literary terms.

Most people don't know that there is a great distinction between writers.
Why Chinua Achebe's novel Things Fall Apart is greater than Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code?

Take your time.

its nice though it is full of suspense but

i love it, looking forward for more!!

Get ur act together gal and then look 4 a good writer to help u develop it.

Go Gal.

kudos to you its just da bomb.

Damsal:

for a first draft i have to admit I really think your story is fab. i like your intro of the characters, though i think you haven't done character development especially on Marco as he is the first character we are introduced to yet we are left hanging when it comes to depth of his identity.

It's been really cool so far, i hope you intend on finishing it

Seun:

I don't think we want suspense on the identity of a key character.
We can't identify with characters we can't imagine with our minds.
Where suspense can come in is when the key character is confused about the identity of maybe the villian.
If this is Maro's Tale, then we must be able to imagine what Maro looks like.
That's just my opinion as a lay person who is interested in the world of stories.

Thanks guys, I appreciate your contributions. I hoped to keep readers yearning for more, but Maro's 'hidden identity' is not helping much. I'll develop on Maro's character in my next draft.

Though its ben a while i contributed last
but i must commend the writer,u mean first
time and its this tight then u are gonna go places
pls complete the story fast
enuff suspense