He’s cutely,
She’s pretty.

He knows he’s handsome,
He knows he’s lonesome.

She knows she’s a beauty,
She’s lonely.

He says “A walk will do me fine”
She says “I’ll go out, dazzle and shine”.

The stage was set,
That was how they met.

She shined and bedazzled he,
He simply mesmerized She.

They both stared wide-eyed,
The die was cast,
He recovered first and smiled,
Hormones really work fast.

She smiled back,
And he said to her

“Where you’re from I don’t know
But thank God, today you showed
Here, let’s sit together,
Let’s get to know each other,
There’s no how
Am letting you go now,
You’ll be my She
And I’ll be you’re He”.

She said “when you look at me,
It’s a look of one, who really loves me,
Who wouldn’t put anything in the world above me,
And tonight, this eve,
You’ll be Adam, and I’ll be your Eve”.

He wants to hold her hands,
To be the one to wipe her tears,
To be her shoulder and knee,
A friend when she’s in need.



She wants to be her baby,
Coz she wants to have his baby,
To live together, share together,
And help each other.

He wants to wake up to her sweet face,
Tomorrow and always,
And for all her days,
She wants to stay with him, in his place.

Ain’t this Love at first sight?
A tale of Two as evening approached Night.

The He and The She.

OMG. . . its so sweet. . . it needs some editing but its still sweet

Boss bitch:

OMG. . . its so sweet. . . it needs some editing but its still sweet

thanks for the encouragement Lady Boss, i needed it, tell me more 'bout the editing part.

Just 2 lines that could be improved

cbase:


She shined and bedazzled he,
He simply mesmerized She.

Even though ur rhyming, it has to be in good english. . . its a poem not a rap
All the same, its wonderful

I agree with Boss Bitch:This is poetry,not rap,though rap may sometimes pass off for carefully arranged lines and harmonious beauty that are the hallmarks of poetry. Yet, you must pay particular attention to your art. Let me illustrate more specifically.Take your lines thus:

She shined and bedazzled he,
He simply mesmerized She.

The above ,I believe, is grammatically wrong. You ought to use the objective pronouns Him and Her respectively, instead of he and she. I doubt if poetic license comes into play here.

No one dictates for a writer what to write.But a writer needs an editor, and it is that editor's duty to point out such mistakes as these.

On the whole, it's a beautiful rendition,albeit with an over-used theme.

WokarGwa:

I agree with Boss Bitch:
No one dictates for a writer what to write.But a writer needs an editor, and it is that editor's duty to point out such mistakes as these.

thanks wokargwa, and boss bitch for the criticisms,
and the corrections, now i think i know the diffrence btw rap and poetry
i'll take that up on my next piece
thnks again

Its boss bitch not boss naughty woman,

Lol, ur funny too lady boss