I think I'm sick, I need a Doctor SISI in my life.

A night nurse preferably

@Seun

I hope you can take this in good faith Seun. I do not know what your background in filmmaking is, so this is me being very careful in what I'm saying.

That script is not great. truth be told, it is not really good. As others have pointed some of the core inadequacies, I wouldn't bother again.

From the script length, this is like a 5 minute film, even less. Contrary to what many people think, short films are the most difficult to write. You script lacks the precision to hold an audience and it also lacks the writing style that would make it engaging.

Above all, the story was not well thought out which is why points such as where they met before, what relationship existed btw them and the predictable nature of the end, came about.

Please dont shoot that script without proper rewrite. As any good writer will tell you, writing is rewriting and pre-writing is writing.

If you haven't got any trainig in sreeenwriting, get some. Let me know about this so I can help.

If you can, get a copy of Robert Mckee's Story it's a great book for understanding story construction.

Do take care.

What's your background in film making?

@Seun

Let's just say that I have worked as a professional actor (trained on stage) for the past ten years; I have my hands in some of the fairly successful Television dramas as both story consultant and screenwriter and am currently undergoing training as a director with the person who's probably the most successful screenwriter (with over 1000 television scripts) and director ( this person as just about 5 films but they are regarded as classic Nigerian films)in the country.

satisfied sir?

Yes. The thing is, I'm a learner. Calling my script "not good" is like calling someone in driving school a bad driver.
It's very discouraging and unnecessary. Do you understand this?

Why not just say "you need to do so and so to make it better" and leave it like that? Why call it a bad script? Imagine that you posted a story 1 year ago and someone comes to you suddenly just to tell you that he thinks you're a bad writer, with no suggestions given. Do you see how that can hurt?

I know I'm not a Chimamamda, but must you rub it in my face like that? Why not "I didn't enjoy it because. . ."?

If you're a good writer then why didn't you say anything when I was looking for a writer?
I guess telling people their scripts suck is more fun than actually helping them with their dreams.

Dear Seun, so sorry your feelings were hurt. If you know me you'll know I never want to do that. Maybe I worded my writings wrongly but my intensions are genuine.

I am not an expert myself; I am still learning. In fact, although I have written scripts, I do not see myself primarily as a screenwriter, rather I am more interested in story construction and directing.

What I was trying to suggest is the need for you to have some training and since you say you're a learner then you are on the right course. If you want, I can help with that. My teacher just got a licence for a film school from the federal govt. When we have put together the corriculum we'll start formal training; this would not be later than Nov 2007. I will put the information here on Nairaland in a couple of weeks from now.

You obviously have talent and nobody is perfect and the last thing I want to do is discourage you at this early stage.

Once again my apologies. I didnt point out specifics in your script 'cos a few people had done that.
All the best. Remember, I am here if you or anyone needs a hand.

Thanks for understanding my point of view. I appreciate that very much.
It's not as if I think this script is so special, but it's easy to get discouraged.

@ seun,

count me in for support in all capacity

DA SAUCE

@saucekid: tell me more: are you an actor? director? videographer? writer? location manager?

my humble self used to be an actor.although the art is inborn,it was fine tuned it at silverfilm productions.

as per directing,i know how a particular script should be acted out only after having gone through the character dialogue but basically,i leave that at the discretion of the actor

not much of a writer (^{my wish}) and concerning the location manager thingy, all i need is just to see the script build up and my imaginations come to play

^{remember i am working on my single to be out next year***so,i know what the location and vid. pattern should look like}

Thats about me in a coconut shell, if anyone wants to test my ability, give me a script

Cheers mate

that picture is killing
buahahahaha
i love the play sha!


seun big boy
can i b the doctor

Moved to the new "share your work" forum.

you did a great job , its a good attempt.

I work in a hospital and I  love writing. 

1) your characters MUST BE BELIEVABLE. The doctor does not sound like one, you must research your characters  e.g go sit in a hospital and observe doctors at work. That way you get the feel of how doctors speak to nurses, patients etc

2) The story is predictable, we can see the end from the beginning.  Suspense and surprising twists are the soul of good story telling

3)create more conflicts e.g there is a male doctor in the hospital in love with the lady doctor. She dosnt really like him but marrying him will mean a promotion, a house in ikoyi etc.  The lady finds herself torn between true love( but how can she break the ethics of the job by getting involved with a patient) at the same time  this  male doctor is getting suspicious.  she is also losing respect in the ward and having subtle clashes with all the nurses  because ONE nurse saw her holding the patients hand in a manner that did not look ' medical'. The nurses have never really liked her because she is polished and went to school. (This is just an example so dear council of critics dont criticize it as not being good enough.)
you need to be a good story teller to make good films.

4) practice story telling by being part of a drama group, it will help you see how well your script works though of course drama scripts and movie scripts are difft but storytelling is still storytelling.

5)get a better name for your film. A name is like a book cover, its the first impression

6) I see from some of your responses that you dont take criticisms very well, if you dont have a thick skin then dont write, criticism can come as cotton wool or knife wounds.


no offense to naira landers but some one can steal your story on this forum no matter how many copyright laws you cite.

keep your dream alive.
cheers.

A simple feel good story.I liked sisi's role,her lines were good.
i liked the fact that u made her sound professional with her advices and all.I didn't quite get patience' part tho,u know with her trying to run off with risi's files.
You didn't say anything about your camera movements at all,its hardly a screenplay without the pans and zooms and cuts, u get me?

And then the way u ended the story is the way i'd normally end mine.catch the audience by surprise,make sure they don't see it coming.
i'm writing a short too but i'm having troubles deciding whether to make it a feature film or just leave it as a short.
shorts don't rake in money at all but they are easier to shoot,hence my dilemma.

You did good bro, welldone.

Oga seun come and finish the story o.