Where do we begin?

It was at sunset. “Come here!”, he hollered as he bounced menacingly towards her with the gait of an Olympic athlete. I was an initial-onlooker to this public shame. The poor woman was obviously pregnant – with child. Initially, I thought she was guilty of some kind of theft. Yes, a thief, a pregnant one at that, can also be reprimanded, but this was different. She ran with a knowing look. A this-has-happened-before look. I watched tentatively as he brought out his leather-strewn belt as he attempted chastising her with it. Never was my irk so evidenced in public glare, I should have been accused of manslaughter by now.

This and many more like it, have become a case for concern in many parts of the world, and a ‘norm’ in Nigeria. Trying to challenge this ‘norm’, at least openly is usually met with questions like, “Did you help the man pay her bride price?”, “I’m sure you don’t suppose that the woman had no idea what she was getting involved in before she covenanted with the man?” – all in attempt to excuse the ‘beastliness’ of an apparently circumspect man.

"Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse."
http://ncadv.org/learn-more/what-is-domestic-violence


How do we justify the fact that a study carried out by the National Demographic and Health Survey in 2008 shows that domestic violence cuts across socio-economic and cultural backgrounds.

And it was shown that 28% of all women in Nigeria have experienced domestic violence.
http://domesticviolence.com.ng/research-statistics/

(To see examples of domestic violence, please chexk the source)

That is equivalent to about a third of all the women in Nigeria. For the ‘norm’ part, also contained in the report, 43% of women thought that wife beating could be justified on the grounds of burning food to refusing sexual intercourse.


A peculiarity of ‘Domestic Violence’ is the fact that that it is ‘Domestic’ – relating to the running of a home or to family relations.

From the office of the Clark County Prosecuting Attorney, I have selected some quick facts, that in relation with other sources, may lead to a prognosis that will help preclude some of these instances of battering and domestic violence-related issues:

Fact #1: Many batterers learned violent behavior growing up in an abusive family.

This fact does not beggar conscious reason, it is conspicuously intuitive. When relationships are formed, it is very, very important to understand the history and antecedence of a spouse’s upbringing before covenanting with him/her. This is not about a ‘proof of love’, this is about making an informed decision about your own life and future. Has he ever, even jokingly, told you about how he REPEATEDLY slapped a younger one of his? Run! Its not love to stay and ‘die’.

Fact #2: Battering tends to increase and become more violent over time.

Don’t suppose that any social vice has a waning period.

“Oh”, you say, “he will get over it”. No dear, he won’t. That slap will turn to a kick (don’t know which takes precedence these days). A kick will ULTIMATELY turn into a stab. These actions increase with time, that is the point. Your time to live is inversely proportional to your time of domestic abuse. Yes, in some occasions, he/she could “change”, but don’t live your life by exceptions but by rules.

Fact #3: 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.

Now this goes beyond you. Do you think about your children? About the innocents who will be sooner than later affected by that beast? The best decisions in life are not those taken for yourself but those taken on behalf of others. Be informed. This leads to the next fact:

Fact #4: Children who witness violence at home display emotional and behavioral disturbances as diverse as withdrawal, low self-esteem, nightmares, self-blame and aggression against peers, family members and property.


Fact #5: Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

This is a standout fact. You are not alone. For every abuse you tend to keep quiet about, there are hundreds, thousands more of your ilk who have decided to maintain that posture. Have the courage to COME OUT of your hide out. At the end of this article are support organizations who respect your privacy – some private-owned, others Government-sponsored. This may be your last chance.


Fact #6: People with lower annual incomeare at a 3-times higher risk of intimate partner violence than people with higher annual income


‘Money issues’ tend to arouse the beast in certain individuals. Two things are involved here that you could work on personally.

One, develop a good money management system. Please dear ladies, read books on proper financial management – some key point versions will suffice. This also extends to financial dependence. When you are financially independent, the risk of experiencing money-related abuses (e.g. cook me fried chicken and salad with 50 naira) is drastically reduced. Educating oneself is really important as it has been noted in several reports that lowly educated women are more likely to justify domestic violence by their partners.

Two, do not argue or demean a man especially as regards financial matters. That is escalating an already dicey problem. Either you have the patience to bear the financial paucity (which I strongly advise against) or you have the boldness to ‘reason’ things out when he is at his ‘weak spot’.

Admittedly, ours is a culture that justifies violence towards women and children especially when they are at ‘fault’ – whatever that means. The environment you find yourself may make you shy away from the reality of being stigmatized, abused and demeaned. Let that not bother you. Life is all that matters. The life of your kids is all that matters. The life of your loved ones – those who really care about you, is all that matters. So my dear, crawl out from your shell and be free. There is no excuse for physical or emotional abuse.


Don’t allow the myth of “gentility” hold you down and blind you to the reality of a permanent scar. Be well-informed, be well advised.

Below are some lines you could freely contact, if you experience or see someone experience frequent domestic abuses.

From the Domestic Violence and Abuse Resource Centre, you can seek advisement via these channels:

a) Federal Government of Nigeria Toll Free Number for Violation of Girls and Women – 080072732255

b) CHILD Domestic Violence Helplines – 0810 757 2829; 0813 164 3208

c) Project Alert – 234-1-8209387; 08052004698; 08180091072

d) BAOBAB on Human Rights – Tel: 234 1 4747931, 01-8980834, Tel/Fax: 234 1 4962302, Mobile: 234 (0) 802 333 0981 Emails:baobab@baobabwomen.org; baobabwomen@yahoo.com

For Legal Support,

a) Abuja Family Law Clinic – 4B Oyo Street, Area 2, Garki, Abuja; www.lesleyagams.com; 0809 11

Do not suffer in silence. Please share.

cc: Lalasticlala, Mynd44

Source: http://www.unodiscuss.com/2016/11/21/domestic-violence-horrors-helps/

This is such an incisive and instructive piece. More sensitisation on the evils of IPV is needed more than ever before, especially in this age and generation where lions dance with antelopes and rats have cats as lovers.

I will always maintain my stance: any man who lays a finger on a woman is a coward, an Agbala as the Igbos would say.

@OP:

Interesting thread

However, to make any meaningful change, you must start from the foundation; according to your post, 43% of women believe it is ok to be beaten for refusing sex and burning the dinner.

If some women believe domestic violence (not fighting (another topic on its own)) is ok, how do you want to tackle it?

The issue of domestic violence in our society is much more complex than a Wikipedia definition.

bukatyne:
@OP:

Interesting thread

However, to make any meaningful change, you must start from the foundation; according to your post, 43% of women believe it is ok to be beaten for refusing sex and burning the dinner.

If some women believe domestic violence (not fighting (another topic on its own)) is ok, how do you want to tackle it?

The issue of domestic violence in our society is much more complex than a Wikipedia definition.

This is more of an ideological problem as my post implied. Most ideologies, especially culturally-ingrained sentimental ideologies are much more deeper than you can think about, like you rightly said.

How does an average victimized lady break the chain? I would say the first step is in having more enlightened ladies raise the issue of sensitization beyond media fanfare. Really get to know these people. From experience and research, many ladies who are 'okay' with certain imbalanced treatments are mostly found in rural areas. Getting individuals there (without the usual cameras) with a singular focus will go a long way in my opinion.

DarkRebel101:
This is such an incisive and instructive piece. More sensitisation on the evils of IPV is needed more than ever before, especially in this age and generation where lions dance with antelopes and rats have cats as lovers.

I will always maintain my stance: any man who lays a finger on a woman is a coward, an Agbala as the Igbos would say.

Thank you dear Sir. Your input is very much appreciated.