Exclusive: It’s State Dinner Season!

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

The popular film Wedding Crashers glamorizes the lives of two ne’er do wells who spend their summer showing up to weddings uninvited. The stars research the event, use fake names, and pretend to be distant relatives of the celebrants in order to cash in on free food, free booze, and free female “companionship.” Sounds like just another Saturday night at John Edwards’ house. The film peaks when the stars crash the high-profile wedding of the Treasury Secretary’s daughter, a seemingly impossible task where thrills are the ultimate reward.

The movie is a comedy, because the entire premise is so over the top. No one would be crazy enough to crash an event held by a powerful politician, right?

Wrong. Last week, a Virginia couple crashed a White House state dinner in honor of the prime minister of India. Michaele and Tareq Salahi were not on the guest list, but brazenly passed through a Secret Service screening and attended the gala unmolested. After the story broke, everyone asked the same question: Why would the Salahis do such a thing?

Others, like yours truly, asked a similar question: How dull are the lives of these people that their ultimate thrill is crashing a state dinner even the guest of honor would rather not attend? It was difficult for the Indian prime minister to conceal his malaise after he was seen playing Top Gun on his iPhone during the speeches, and yawning through most of his photo ops. The man comes from a veritable Third World country and five minutes into the state dinner he was ready to walk back to Calcutta!

The Salahis must really like chicken curry because no normal person seeks an adrenaline rush from celebrating the renewal of diplomatic ties. Who in their right mind wants to attend a boring state dinner chock full of stuffed shirts and stuffed flounder? Neither of them smells too good. The highlight of that event is watching Helen Thomas – eventually – pop out of a cake. Not much fun. The average one-year old’s birthday party is far more exciting, and the highlight of that event is watching the birthday girl try to eat wrapping paper. Besides, that party has an additional bonus: No one has to listen to President Obama bloviate for hours on end.

Apparently, the Salahis think an infant’s birthday party is not enthralling enough, so they chose to make fools of themselves on a national stage. The fallout from their silly ruse was larger than one of Michelle Obama’s “stylish” belts, and members of the Secret Service were not amused:

A member of the House panel that oversees the Secret Service says the security lapse that allowed a couple to crash a White House state dinner is unforgivable and must be corrected. Rep. Peter King said, “We can’t show this type of weakness to terrorists, to psychopaths.”

The New York Republican joined Sens. Evan Byah of Indiana and Jon Kyl of Arizona in calling for an investigation of the incident in which Michaele and Tareq Salahi were allowed into the state dinner for the visiting prime minister of India on Tuesday night.

With all due respect to Rep. King, comparing the Salahis to terrorists and psychopaths is like comparing Tyra Banks’ swimsuit photo to Oprah Winfrey’s. The Salahis aren’t terrorists; they own a failing winery. They aren’t psychopaths; they are thrill seekers. Most run of the mill daredevils bungee jump, skydive, or walk on hot coals. Unfortunately, thrills are not all that this couple is seeking.

Michaele and Tareq are reportedly shopping their story to network executives because they mistakenly believe everyone wants to know more about their boring lives. Sadly, the couple, like a dinner date with Paris Hilton, comes with a price, but unlike a dinner date with her, that price is not shame and self-loathing. The Salahis are looking to score a six-figure payday for the rights to their exclusive interview. If the networks were smart, they would save that six-figure price tag and put it to good use by interviewing someone interesting – like Joe Lieberman.

Even if the network hacks pass on the Salahi story, the couple will not be ignored. Michaele Salahi is allegedly pining for a role on “The Real Housewives of D.C.” Ever persistent, the woman is dug in like an Alabama tick, and this state dinner fiasco is just the thing to put her over the top. She will probably land that gig, because Hollywood is all about making celebrities out of less than reputable people – yes, we are looking at you, Levi Johnston. If there were really any justice in the world, someone would crash Michaele and Tareq’s next live interview. Hey, maybe President Obama or the Indian prime minister can do it?

Despite what the mainstream media believe, the real story here is not necessarily the fact that the Salahis crashed a White House state dinner. The real story here is that the Salahis’ crashed the dinner solely for personal and financial gain. These people are two more glaring examples of a fame-obsessed society run amok. In short, they are no better than the morons on YouTube who shoot fireworks at each other in the hope of landing their 15 minutes of fame.

Someone should let the Salahis know that Johnny Knoxville has stopped shooting episodes of “Jackass,” and people who risk their freedom in a desperate grab for attention are usually deserving of that show’s name.