In his numerous teachings, Jesus used invaluable nuggets called parables to explain fundamental truths to men. The most tangible aspect of a parable is its meaning, so the initial meanings of the parables have been preserved as deemed adequate by me, the writer, and edited for the 21st century. I got the original idea when I read an article “Jesus in America today” somewhere online some months ago. I don't know the author, and I haven’t been able to find him/her.

After Jesus’ ministry on earth had been commissioned by the Holy Spirit when he overcame the devil’s temptations, he went on to obtain a TV broadcasting license, and He hand-picked 12 presenters from various walks of life, naming them his disciples. Together, they anchored the KINGDOM satellite TV network, broadcasting live teachings and miracles all around the globe.

This generally upset many other TV network producers, mostly the Pharisees and Sadducees who were monopolizing the media and brainwashing people about the weight of their guilt.

One such matter Pharisees loved emphasizing was the Sabbath – a rule stating that every 7th day on TV stations, every broadcast is to be treated as a paid commercial (we’d rather not watch them, but we usually have no choice. Some very few times they are interesting to watch, anyway). This way, a very good percentage of the broadcast pay came into the Pharisees’ pockets.

The Pharisees and Sadducees often staged live interviews with Jesus –hoping he would say something they could use against him. Their fury usually blinded them so much that they wouldn’t understand Jesus’ parables. The following are snapshots of parables broadcast by Jesus and some other events on the KINGDOM satellite TV network.

DJ Salt and the Lighthouse Media (Matt 5:13-16)

You are DJ Salt, the world’s hottest DJ; but if your tracks no longer hit the world’s top charts, where will we get sensational jamz? Your CDs will be thrown out of media houses, and even street tramps will ignore your disks on the rubbish heap!

You are the Lighthouse media, a superb satellite TV network that cannot be ignored. Men do not subscribe for satellite TV and then unplug the decoder. Instead, they switch it on, and the whole family watches 24-hour Lighthouse media stations. In the same way, exhibit the excellence of God’s majesty through your life, so that men can see true life and praise your Father in Heaven.

The Microstuff CEO (Matt 8:5-13)

Jesus was about to begin a live interview at Capernaum, when the CEO of the renown software company, Microstuff, came on scene to plead with Jesus, saying “My best programmer has a terrible cancer, and he’s dying…”

Jesus responded, “As you can see, the interview is about to start. I’ll see him afterwards”. The Microstuff CEO answered, “I’m not worthy to ask you to come to the house: just speak the word, and he’ll be healed. I command the richest software company on earth, and the windows of opportunity that other software companies have to profit from are always at my discretion. Just some few weeks ago, I decided to release a new operating system, and all other software companies have to catch up. I say to one who renders a service, “Pack 1! No, Pack 2!! Or better, Pack 3!!!” and he does so. I say to others who use frameworks ‘Dot my Net!’ and they do so.”

Jesus was impressed, and said “I haven’t yet seen anyone who foots this bill, nowhere within the gates of Israel have I found such great faith!” and I say unto you, Many people from all walks of life, businessmen from far and wide, will sit down in heaven with the patriarchs of faith. But the children of the kingdom will be cast into outer darkness: weeping their souls out.” And to the CEO, he said, “Go your way: as you have believed, so it is.”

And Microstuff’s best programmer was healed of cancer immediately.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad (Matt 7:24-28)

“So, everyone who hears these words of mine and does them is like the rich wise man who invested his money into the foreign exchange, bonds, shares and treasury bills. National inflation set in, banks folded up and merged, government salaries dropped and there was a labour congress strike yet his family continued getting richer because of his investments.

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like the poor foolish man who was keeping his salary in cash under his bed, and making major purchases using his credit card. National inflation, Bank failures and mergers, Reduced salaries, Bad debt and the Labour Congress strike caused great hunger as his family’s poverty accelerated.”

When Jesus had finished saying these things, viewers at home were amazed at His wisdom, because he spoke as a business mogul, and not like the usual TV presenters.

Car Racing and Club Football (Matt 9:16-17)

“No one lets a child drive himself to school, for he will drive just as if he’s playing a car racing game on his computer, and he’ll get involved in a gruesome motor accident”

“Neither do club coaches allow female players into male international soccer teams. If they do, the men won’t concentrate, the games will be lost and all the players’ careers are ruined. No, they separate female teams from male teams, and both are preserved.”

Grand Theft Auto (Matt 12:29)

How can a thief force a burly heavyweight boxing champion out of his car and try to steal it unless he holds a gun to his head? Then he can drive off alone with the car. (He said this while explaining that for one to subvert a spiritual enemy, one had to subvert the very head of the self-same enemy)

Putting a brake on it (Mark 4:35-41)

That day, after many long hours of a live interview, Jesus said to them “Let’s go to the other side”. And after dispersing the journalists and the audience, they took him into a huge jeep, although there were other cars there as well. As they journeyed, the jeep’s brakes malfunctioned at a certain curve and the SUV hit a fire hydrant on the road, the tank got punctured and started leaking, caught a spark and the Jeep went into flames. As such, they were in a burning jeep with no brakes.

Jesus was asleep on the backseat, it had been a long day. They awoke him and asked, “Are you not even concerned that we’re in a speeding bomb soon to explode?”. Jesus simply stretched, rebuked the fire and said to the SUV “That’s enough. Stand down.” and immediately the fire disappeared, the tank stopped leaking and the jeep adjusted its speed instantly. And he said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (He asked this question because he had already assured them earlier, saying “Let’s go to the other side”, which meant none of them could have gotten hurt).

The disciples were terrified and said, “Who’s this guy? Even fire and mechanical faults obey him?!  ”

PUMP UP THE VOLUME (Matt 9:19-22)

One day on a live KINGDOM satellite network TV program, Jesus was carrying out his teaching and healing projects.

A woman who had 12 years of haemorrhage held her TV remote control and turned on the maximum volume, saying “If I feel the vibes in his voice, I will be healed”.

Jesus knew, and paused to ask viewers “Who just increased the volume on their TV set?”, and the lead presenter was puzzled, saying it could be any of the billions of people around the globe. Jesus insisted, and the woman called into the show to report what she did.

Jesus smiled and said, “Take heart, your faith has healed you”, and the woman was healed from that moment.

CARCINOGENIC SKIN CREAM (Matt 12:43-45)

When a carcinogenic skin cream is banned in a third world country for causing cancer, it searches for market in developed countries but doesn’t find. Then the manufacturers smuggle some of it back into the developing country and find out that the masses don’t use skin cream because the available healthy ones are expensive.

So the manufacturers change the brand name and include a bonanza for six lotions, each one deadlier than the first, and these products flood the market like hot-cakes. The outbreak of cancer in that country is far worse than before. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.

SEED-LIFE High (Matt 13:3-9)

The graduates of SEED-LIFE High school – international school of child prodigies – had their valedictory service and after an inspiring lecture the youngsters dispersed.

Some of them got involved in a public fight over a football match and an irate fan shot them all dead.

Some were immediately hired by multinational companies who neglected their inexperience, and they quickly became managers due to their intelligence. But when business crises came, they made bad decisions, mismanaged funds and ended up in jail.

Some gained admission into college and they were very popular. For their notoriety, they were lured into bad gangs doing drugs, got busted and ended up in jail.

Still, others went to ivy league colleges and graduated with distinctions, landing jobs that paid them hundred, sixty or thirty times the paycheck of their contemporaries.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

BIRD FLU (Matt 13:24-30)

The kingdom of heaven is like a Veterinary Doctor who just bought day-old chicks for his large scale poultry. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and added some chicks with a strange strain of the contagious bird flu, and went away.

Shortly after, the servants commented about seeing some chicks acting like weird, and asked the origin. The Vet did tests and said “An enemy did this”.

The servants asked “Should we kill any chicken with the strain?”

“No, in the ensuing frenzy, innocent chicks will die as well. My own chicks have been adequately inoculated when I obtained them, so let them grow together. When they stop flocking around together, we can separate the infected ones and burn them”.

THE OIL DEPOSIT, THE STOCK MERCHANT AND THE VACANCY

The kingdom of heaven is like a rich oil deposit in a field in the Middle East. When a man knew about it, he covered his tracks carefully, and in his joy sold all that he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a stock merchant looking for high-yield stock. When he found a very profitable initial public offer, he sold everything he had and bought ALL the stock.

Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a multinational company with an entry-level vacancy. Millions of graduates all over the continent applied for the job, and when the recruiting officers had had enough entries, the vacancy was declared closed. Then they sat down and conducted rigorous tests & interviews to select appropriate candidates, and sent the other applicants who didn’t meet up away. This is how it will be at the end of the age: angels will come & separate the wicked from the righteous, and throw them into the fiery furnace, where sorrow lives & weeping is an eternal experience.

“Have you understood all these things?” Jesus asked the viewers.

“Yes”, they replied.

Those are the ones I have written for now. More to come later!

Cool. Really cool. . .

Can we add some?

Ad libitum, mavenb0x. Just include the scripture references.

Nice! Nice! Nice!

Thanks AKO!

ancel:

Ad libitum, mavenb0x. Just include the scripture references.

Hmm okay let's see how it goes but LOL um, yeah, I am not sure I know where to start from or how to go about it like you have done here!

@mavenb0x: I will quote Marianne Williamson for you 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

Thanks, Ancel.

You r welcome, mavenb0x. Your own parable renditions are also welcome, anyway.

No ideas, ancel, cos my mind is really slow nowadays.

TV networks and web content accessing homes via Windows (John 10:1-20)

Whether its Microsoft Windows 3.x, Windows 95, Windows NT 3.5x, Windows 98, Windows NT 4.x, Windows Millenium, Windows XP, Windows 200x, Windows Vista . . .

Be wary, dont be naive and make no mistake as I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold,

but climbeth up some other way into your homes, the same is a thief and a robber.

He who is entering through the door is shepherd of the sheep;

A thief comes only to rob, kill, and destroy.

[center]^{Whilst I thought I have learning how to live
I have been learning how to die}[/center]

@Recognize: LOL Yeah! You need a good antivirus and a capable firewall!! So many viruses and trojans in today's world, targetting the peccant windows OS!

ancel:


@Recognise:

LOL Yeah! You need a good antivirus and a capable firewall!!

So many viruses and trojans in today's world, targetting the peccant windows OS! 

@ancel

Viruses and trojans?

These are the least of the problem

How can you leave out the salesmen sugar-coated-sweet-talking charlatans

merchadising the Gospel and fleecing the fold after been wilfully allowed in through the "windows"

@recognise: LOL

Still no ideas yet, Ancel