My wife and I got married two yes ago, bless with two kids(twins), we are quite comfortable at least we can feed well and plan for other needs. Early in the marriage I noticed she was the rude type a trait that was not visible before marriage. Her niece stayed with us early in the marriage to help out but most times I come from work the sitting room is very dirty if I complain she gets angry and vent. I am the quiet type and has sworn never to hit my wife. I complained when I noticed she was allowing her niece (18) come to clean our bedroom, she concluded and said I dont see anything good in her family, her mother is late never stayed with her dad. She doesn't have a good relationship with him step mum so i complained to my mum who is my church's head of marriage community she spoke to her alone and later with both of us, thought that will help but turned out worse. She told her niece to leave since she felt I didn't like her, she is left only with the twins which is hectic have suggested a helper who comes in the mornings and leave by evening she refused now so many things suffer. Currently she has not been speaking to me because I asked her why she left a kettle we use for food in the toilet, not like I can't take it back but it has turned to a habit. Really tired of the whole scenario don't want to do anything that frustrate the Grace of God in my life. Need your advice, help me see things from different perspective. Sorry for the length just had to let it out

It can be very frustrating for a very decent, neat and organize man or woman to go into a relationship with someone with conflicting traits.

I think you should try to create a balance, talk to her often like a partner/lover. Her actions might be a demonstration of her personality. Some persons can be really disorganized while some are good managers. Since her actions aren't intentional, I believe she'd grow to do things, may be not in your own way, but in proper and better ways.

Some were raised in homes where eba is prepared with bathroom bowls. That could be very irritating, but they won't stop when you complain without giving reasons to stop.

I guess she's overwhelmed caring for two children of the same age group.
She can't do it alone, and some help will be nice. Discuss with her on how to ease her stress. The children can be put in daycare for a couple of hours a day. It will help them socialise with other kids, and also give your wife some respite.
Day cares however have their own disadvantages, as kids are exposed to all sorts of infections too. Just make sure you get a good one, and ensure your children are up to date with their vaccines, including the vaccines that are not offered free in the local govt.
While the kids are in school, your wife can catch up with housework, without any disturbances.

Suggested getting help but she said she is not comfortable. Beginning to think single life is far better.

Since sshe refused getting a maid/help just ignore her. She wants to force u to allow her niece. With what u are going thru, u dnt need a 3rd party relative living with u. Dnt assume she acts rudely because her mom didn't live with her dad. Also don't assume tht becos ur mom is a marriage counsellor, her methods wld work for her own family. Also, remember tht u can't change someone else, u can only change urself. Having twins is not an excuse to be disorganized. Focus on the reasons why u love her. Don't be too nagging. Try to ignore some things and move on without keeping grudges. From time to time, let her knw how u want ur house to be run. Correct her with love but dnt report her to anyone for now.

Pls apart from providing money and moral support, how else do you help her with taking care of the twins
Twins no be beans!
Who no know no go know.
Taking care of twins is a full time job that requires no distraction.
Her niece left cos she thinks you don't like her but the truth is that your wife need help. And a relative(from her side) is the best for her. Provide that help first before you start complaining of kettle.

She's rude.
She's dirty & untidy
She doesn't listen to you.

Keep talking to her or live with it.

No one here can help you change your wife's character. She will change on her own if she wants to.

You said you didn't know of her rude traits until after marriage. How long did you date?

gare2510:
My wife and I got married two yes ago, bless with two kids(twins), we are quite comfortable at least we can feed well and plan for other needs. Early in the marriage I noticed she was the rude type a trait that was not visible before marriage. Her niece stayed with us early in the marriage to help out but most times I come from work the sitting room is very dirty if I complain she gets angry and vent. I am the quiet type and has sworn never to hit my wife. I complained when I noticed she was allowing her niece (18) come to clean our bedroom, she concluded and said I dont see anything good in her family, her mother is late never stayed with her dad. She doesn't have a good relationship with him step mum so i complained to my mum who is my church's head of marriage community she spoke to her alone and later with both of us, thought that will help but turned out worse. She told her niece to leave since she felt I didn't like her, she is left only with the twins which is hectic have suggested a helper who comes in the mornings and leave by evening she refused now so many things suffer. Currently she has not been speaking to me because I asked her why she left a kettle we use for food in the toilet, not like I can't take it back but it has turned to a habit. Really tired of the whole scenario don't want to do anything that frustrate the Grace of God in my life. Need your advice, help me see things from different perspective. Sorry for the length just had to let it out

Look at all the faults you've listed and go into problem-solving mode to see the ones you can handle. To be brutally frank, if coming home to an untidy house bothered you so much, you would have found a solution to that by noe - either by doing it yourself or by insisting on outside help. It's very strange for a mother of young twins to refuse help, are you sure there isn't more to her objection? If my husband returns home from work and his kids have left their socks and school backpacks lying around, he takes them to the laundry/bedrooms himself because his brain cannot settle with such sights, he can't even seat at the dining table to eat because it bothers him so much whereas I can walk past it, cook and eat happily until I scream for them to deal with it. That is what I mean by you would have found a solution if it bothered you so much. In the end, communication works best, it is a required skill in marital relationships, not optional, you can't give up on it if you want to have a happy marriage.

As for tunrning to singlehood, not sure where that comment came from? I'll assume it was just venting because there is no correlation. Who will help you carry your kaya of wife and kids?

I have tried to be helpful but it begins to get frustrating when it is an everyday affair. Is this a phase or for life. Anyways I have heard u all, ur words were helpful good to have a cold eye's view

gare2510:
I have tried to be helpful but it begins to get frustrating when it is an everyday affair. Is this a phase or for life. Anyways I have heard u all, ur words were helpful good to have a cold eye's view

I'm afraid it's for life.Don't you want to live with your family anymore?
Get her to bring back her niece.She needs a help and since she doesn't want just any househelp,the niece is the best bet.
Try to keep correcting her but be patient for her to change.You married her the way she is so live with it.

Bro, all she need right now is lots of love, attention and support. I equally have twins and know how it is dealing with them.

Solution; stop complaining much and get practical. Assist her with some vital chores to ease her stress level, pick any item lying were it's not meant to be.

Eg. Whenever it's kitchen time I wear my shot and join my betterhalf in the kitchen. Since I like ofe-akwu(banga soup) I per boil the palm fruit myself, pound and process it for her to cook. Assist in ploughing vegetables, steam meat etc.

Bro, no woman is perfect just as we (men) aren't perfect as well. Build your home practically, with love and understanding.
For instance, wifey is fond of either forgetting to remove the bowl or cup she use after meal. Instead of shouting or yelling at her to go remove it. I will simply remove them then stylishly inform her that it's wrong by saying; madam the madam, I have finished removing the things you left after eating, are there more things you would like me to do? She will immidiately use her hands to cover her face(shyness) and apologised as well as saying thank you, i love you.

Learn to tolerate and correct her with love. Peace will reign in your family