TIME NEVER REACH
(Bashorun Church series)

Bashorun is washing Iya Atinuke's hair at the bath and singing 'olomi by Tosin Martins'
A call comes in, interrupting the moment.

Bashorun: Halo o... mii gbo (I nor hear you well).. brother Kola wants to commit suicide ke! Just hold on for me eh, I am coming.

(He apologizes to Iya Atinuke; steps out of the bath to dress up, carry the pulpit and promises to buy Ice cream and suya for Iya Atinuke. Weird combination if you ask me but one must do weird things for she whom he loves)

(Brings out phone and dials a number)

Hello.
Yes, sister Funke. It is pastor on the line. The Lord has me on a message and I need you to come and set up the technical equipments dakun. Also call brother Oladele John so that he can learn how to set up the microphones too. That brother loves Barcelona more than it is ought and needs to be focused on the things of God.

(Runs to the location of the suicide; prays while setting up the pulpit and rugs. He collects the already working microphone from sister Funke and proceeds towards delivering the message)

Hhheehemm (clears throat)

Brethren in the Lord let us pray.

Chukwu oma our great God whose words are more trustworthy than the odi-eshi (ayeta) conjured up by more than two thousand dibia's, Abija's and dagunros.

Emmanueli the great God whose mercies are much longer than the bet slip of an ijebu man hoping to win 20 million naira with 10 naira.

Kabiesi nla the big God who no small oba can just snub like that.
Kaii!
The person that tried it last, Herod, died on the spot.
And the king before him, Nebucadnezzar, ate grass for seven years gbako.

Beeni baba.
We have come to preach to this our brother here.
Oluwa biko change his mind now because he is about to board a Ferrari Uber straight to hell fire.
Chukwu biko heal our brother from every heartbreak which any devilish woman has subjected it to.
All those 'Omo wobe' girls who I have warned my brother repeatedly to turn away from.
Too bad he could not resist their allure due to the lack of God's word within him and lack of prayers.

Oluwa save him now in the mighty name of JESUSS and the church will say... (the church/reader shouts AMEN)

(Towards Brother Kola)
Yes.
Brother Kola I greet you.
They told me that you want to commit suicide at this time.

Dakun o (please o), how much have you achieved in your life time that you want to end it all.

How many adanwo (problems) has hit you so hard that you decided that hanging yourself with a rope is the best solution to the problem.
Abi you always slept during my sermons on Job.
Or you kept on looking at sister Uche's behind everytime the sermon on Jesus's sufferings were preached.

Come to think of it.
What will you tell your God when you see Him on the judgement seat and how will you comfort the ones you left behind?
Abi you think that Iya Kola will bury you with a smile on her face.
Or baba Kola will tap the casket and say 'that is my boy'

Rara o ore (No o my friend)
Your mother's heart would be wrenched in pure agony.
Dashing herself on your cold casket and cursing the day she was born.

You dad nko.
The poor man may slip into depression.
Retreating to embrace the alcoholic bottle much more and causing your mother to lose on both sides.

And the girl you are dying on top nko (chuckles)
I guess you do not know the ways of young girls these days.
For they would cry at your funeral and be screaming in pleasure, hours later, in another man's bed.

Look and live brother Kola.
Look to the cross of Calvary where our Lord Jesus died for our sins.
For you will receive strength when you look.
Take your gaze away from the things of this world.
For you would only find vain pleasures in them.
Pleasure that would always leave you high and in discomfort like a poor bachelor who smoke two pounds of weed without any food in his house.

Beeni
That idiot would die of hunger (munchies) and his mother would have a hard time convincing the pastor to preside over his burial

(Leads a laughing brother Kola away from the bed)
Brother mi.
No matter what you may be going through eh, God has made a way for you to scale through.
What ever 'Omo wobe' (brother Kola roars in laughter) Yes o. Your pastor jasi o because they have conned him once before he met Iya Atinuke.

Whatever those wicked girls have done to your heart eh, There is a healer who beckons on you to come.
He said, "Come onto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.

Beeni.
See brother John there, he came onto Jesus when he realised that his beloved Barcelona could break his heart. As they were wallopped by a certain Bayer Munich team about three seasons ago.

(To the church/reader)
No matter what may come your way, if your life is in Jesus's hands, you are safe.
That same Jesus I implore you to embrace tightly like a suckling baby who holds on to his mother's breasts and in other to be fully nourished.

Beeni
Not even world war 3 would make that baby release her mouth from the source of nourishment.

God bless you all and we would see on sunday.

(Looks to Brother Kola)

Brother mi, I pray that God will forgive you o because you have made iya Atinuke very angry today o. Nevertheless she sends her greetings and hopes you visit us soon.

Bye bye
#BASHORUN

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