MADAME KOI KOI FINAL (A TRIP DOWN FGC IKIRUN LANE)

This piece is dedicated to Mrs Osobu and Mr. Adeoye.
Two teachers who we thought were specially sent to frustrate our lives.
Two parents who we thought were more terrible than 'esu laalu ogiri oko, abaniworan ba rida' himself
For these two teachers did not shy away from wielding the 'egba'

Nay
They ensured that we got a full dosage of the chloroquine of sense everytime they realized that the malaria of indiscipline had started coming.

They ensured that the koboko provided a good blanket which kept out the cold of laziness from affecting our bones.

These two ensured that our eyes of understanding were fully opened, an act which helped us to avoid the paths of destruction.

Eshe gan o

___________
'Kiloshele. Kilode? (what happened)
The questions pouring out from the lips of everyone and directed to the student.

Some students had already bought liquid condensed milk for him to drink.
At least that seemed to be the cure for people who faint,
And it seemed to be a good cure for people who screamed out loud from their sleep.

Perhaps its unique taste would easily calm them down, and remind them that some things in this life that were still sweet.
A timely reminder that may dissuade their minds from thinking of joining their ancestors on the 'odi keji, orun' (other side, heaven)

The milk began to work and the student calmed down.

Slowly, he narrated his tale.
Telling us of how he had been dreaming excellently well until they came.

Until they, who were the emissaries from the witch coven in his village, came to pay him a visit.

Until they, who could have been acting on the orders of his ex-girlfriend, who he had kissed once at the basketball court and dumped two minutes later because her mouth odour was so offensive that it mistakenly killed a family of flies who were unfortunately flying by, came to avenge their mistress

He had been dreaming an excellent dream until, those 'eleye (witches), who had filled Oba Adedapo's stomach with water and turned him into a pregnant woman in 'Koto Aiye' film, had decided to come and fill his tommy too.

Those witches had come to press him, and no matter how hard he tried to say Jesus, they did not leave.

How could they leave?

When the poor boy trying to call Jesus had successfully paid a visit to the locker of his friend the previous day without asking for forgiveness;

How could they leave when he was part of the ringleader of male students who secretly went to peep through the windows of the girls hostel.
No wonder a big 'koko (bruise) was still in the center of his head, as one girl had slammed the wooden window hard on his face when her fellow 'bunkie' told her to shut the window.

How could they leave when the student was a powerless christian who constantly slept through the messages and prayers in chapel on Sunday, only choosing to be active during the family song when he would get the opportunity to hold a girl's hand and sing.

"Oh.
Se iyen lasan lo se e?"
(is that the only thing that happened to you?)
Some seniors asked.

Already getting angry that their precious time was wasted by a student who could not handle what normally happened to some of them daily.

Beeni o.

Getting visited by these unusual visitors had become a daily thing they looked forward to with less gusto.

Little wonder they were always waking up on the wrong side of life and could easily kill anyone with their wicked looks early in the morning, when they idly sat on their bunks or when they shouted 'last boy' to get students to run errands for them.

________
"Kpele o. You too start putting a bible under your pillow before you sleep."
Senior Fola said.
Re-echoing the popular belief that most students shared.

At least it was believed in by those ones who were too lazy to read one chapter within the bible.

Their pastors at home had told them that the word of God was like two edged swords.
And being the imaginative children they were, they had innocently thought that the bible would transform into two flaming swords to cut down any devil whenever they dreamt.

Like the watch of Ben, the students believed that holding the bible would automatically transform the owner into a magnificent power ranger, radiating a yellowish light that would blind the forces of the enemy.

Like Luikeng against Sharukhan in final battle of the mortal Kombat film, they believed that just holding the bible would turn them into a great eagle that would kill any demonic serpent .

Like a 20 naira note which is placed at a crossroad in any village, they believed that the bible possessed immediate transformative powers that could even turn them into cheetahs which would run away very fast if the battle seemed too hard for them to win.


"What is wrong with you this boy? I have told you to come and collect honey to lick before you go to bed every night. You will also put two drops in your bathing water before you sleep"
So said senior Dami, the student 'oloogun' (herbalist) who people feared sometimes.

For his bald head bore the marks of 201 incisions.
A feature which he always proudly showed off while daring anyone to touch or fight him.
"Beeni. Oni to un a di eni igbagbe. Rara, a kan ku gbe bi eni ti ara san pa ni (Yes. That person will become a forgotten person. No, the person would die suddenly like a person who thunder strikes).


He was telling the student to add 'adun' (sweetness) to his dreams.

Honey to transform the dreams into Hollywood videos where the dreamer becomes James Bond and ultimately kills the boss and gets to sleep with stunning girl as an added bonus of doing his country proud.

Honey to transform the dreams into Bollywood films, where the dreamer becomes Amir Khan or Toofan that single handedly destroys a gun wielding army of 200 men just with punches and a iron rod.

Honey to transform the dreams into a Nollywood film where the dreamer becomes Ramson Noah, the pastor who defeated the demonic big eyed Segun Arinze in the final fight of the film 'seven pilgrims'

With honey or the bible, anyone could defeat the evil ones, the two seniors believed.
Claims which I found to be highly ineffective when put to the test.

Beeni
I had been visited by those faceless and bodiless things before.

Wicked beings that kept sucking away every little joy I had, like the dementors in Harry potter movie.

Scary entities that burst into a sardonic laugher when they saw me placing the Gideon new testament bible on the iron bunk underneath my bed.

Beasts that held their sides in more laughter when they saw that I returned the next night with a borrowed complete bible since I thought that a Gideon's bible was not enough to kill the devil.

I had also tried spicing up my dreams with honey too.

An unfortunate experience for those beasts kept beating me up and leaving me in bruises like a boxer who comes up against Tyson.

An unfortunate experience because they kept hunting me in the dark with pitchforks, chainsaws and knives like Freddie (in nighmares on elms street) and that dreaded toy Chuckie (in a child play).

Ah

Those bastard demons showed me that the weapons of warfare are not physical.
Rather, they were very spiritual and only with intense prayers could I defeat them.

I would have told the student my own cure.

But I was already sleeping peacefully in the Niger (blue) house hostel that was nearby.

Let me rephrase that, I was already sleeping in the Niger house hostel.

For there was nothing peaceful about sleeping on a bare and cold iron bunk with nothing but a boxer and singlet on.

For there was nothing peaceful about sleeping close to a damp area where soldier ants may decide to use as their route anytime.

Again,
Let me rephrase that assertion.

I was already sleeping peacefully in the Niger house hostel.

For a man who is sleeping peacefully on a mere bunk is better than a man that is under demonic oppression while sleeping on a water bed.

For a man that does not have a car is much better than the Ololade Mr. Money, whose dead wife is chasing up and down because he used her for rituals.

For a man who cries in a beetle 'ijapa' car is much more better than that man who is being caned by 'al janu' (genie) in his limosene which has a fridge that is filled with champagne bottles and choice dishes.

Beeni

I think I was better off than the poor bloke who had truly experienced the visit of madame koi koi.

The end of madame Koi Koi episodes.
Thanks for staying till the end. The next FGC IKIRUN trips will be on INTER HOUSE SPORTS EXPERIENCES

Stay tuned.
#BASHORUN

Okontas.com

Your sense of comparison is hilariously profound