Dear Nairalanders, i need your advise because i am in dilema. I am in love with a 45 year old man, who has 6 year old twins and he is proposing to marry me. My problem is, i love him but i am worried about taking care of these kids that are not mine yet i am not yet a mother. Please advise me because i have two weeks to make up my mind. Waiting to hear from you. Cheers

Someone once said the way you are praying for a child
is the way some children are praying to God to give them a mother.
But what happened to their mother?
How old are you?
To me, you dont have a problem and its not about the children.
What are the plans the man has for you?
Does he want you to be his wife and a mother to the twins and the ones
you will bear for him.
Its about you and the man sitting down to make plans and look into the future.
Above all, pray about it and if you have God's peace, then go ahead.
Shalom

To add to Tywoh's questions:  Who is putting you under pressure by giving you a deadline and why?

Please advise me because i have two weeks to make up my mind.

If he's giving you just two weeks to make up your mind, you should just tell him to get lost!
You cannot decide what will affet the rest of your life in two weeks and expect the choice to be a right one.

My advice: find out why he's still single at 46, then come back and tell us. We might be able to advice, then.

Thanks alot you guys for all your ideas. I am 28 years old.Briefly this is what happened ,,,, he told me that his wife fell in love with his neighbour four years back when they were planning to wed. He says i should make up my mind becoz  time is against us. Yes,he wants me to be the mother of those kids and the ones we will produce together. He has so many plans for us including taking me back to school to do a masters and others. But i suppose what made the woman cheat on him was becoz of the distance according to what he told me,  This man lived abroad and he always used to see his wife once in ayear. So he now wants me to move to where he is after the wedding. However the kids are still living with their mother in Africa and he says that  she has allowed him to take the kids abroad. But my problem is, i dnt have kids neither have i been married before, so i find it abit difficult to live with kids of my husband esp.abroad without a maid since i have my plans of working too. Won't i end up being a maid? Thats my worry. For sure i knw its not easy to take care of kids who are not yours. I am a teacher by proffession bt i ve always found it hard to jst teach these kids.How about living with them forever? And if it was one , i think i wouldnt have a second thought bt they are 2. The truth is i love kids so much bt living with them forever is abit hard.Please advise me. I am in dilema.

Thanks everyone

Further questions so that we can get the whole picture: Please tell us where you, the man and the wife came from (i.e. nationality) and the state of the relationship with his wife whether separated, divorced legally, or just isolated?

They divorced legally in court but my fiancee talks to her because of the kids since he has to take care of them until he takes them abroad. He is in canada and me i am in Japan but we meet so often . We are all ugandans.Hope i have answered all your questions. Feel free to ask me any questions. Thanks for your concern. I am so grateful.

My dear sister, marriage is a life time committment. First and formost you did not tell us the whereabout of the kids mother is she died or alive? if she is dead then you can think of considering the man and also live with the fact that those kids are now yours no matter what ,you have to treat them like you own, and if the mother is alive and are they separated legally and what was the reason of separation and how long have they been separated must be put into consideration because he have to get time to heal from the broken heart and also make sure that he is not looking for who is going to take care of his children for him and also make sure you pray about it . Marriage is for life. All the best

Okay take my advice.

If I get the picture well, we have a guy who had the twins before he married the wife.  Then the woman fell in love with another man, but he still went ahead to marry her all the same!  He then left her to stay in Canada and only visited her in Uganda once a year.  Then found out later that the wife cheated on him and divorced her.  He met you later, proposed marriage and now gave you two weeks to decide.

First from my own religious inclination (I'm a Christian), I don't support divorce and if you do, it means you have to remain unmarried while the other remains alive.  That means whoever marries him commits adultery.  You may not agree with that.

It seems he provided the space needed for her infidelity if indeed it's true (I'm not excusing her).  But why did he marry her if it happened before they wedded?  If you go ahead to marry him, know that you are going into that union with loads of baggage from the ealier union.  Don't think the woman will just fade away- those twins remain hers and will still be in the equation, whatever you feel!

If you can't deal with that, it's not worth the burden to go in.  Like Agherese said, marriage is a lifetime relationship.  When you weigh the options and you don't feel up to it, then don't.  Moreso, there are issues on ground- divorce, children, and an enstranged wife in the background.  Putting you under pressure will becloud your sense of judgement.

Personally, I won't go into such marriage.

Thanks alot once again u gyz. I jst finished talking to him on phone for 3 hrs and he suddenly told me dat i shouldnt think that he is gonna marry coz he wants me to take care of his kids. He said dat for dat matter he is not gonna take the kids to canada until we settle. Including finishing my masters and producing my first born God willing. He says dat since the kids are with their mother and they are going to school he says dat they can stay there for a mean while. I am not really bothered about their mother since we shall be in canada and besides she cant even talk to any of the gyz relatives coz of wot she did after the guy spending a lot of money on her.She cant even visit her village because of shame and guilt. However,my fiancee says dat she is still begging him to forgive her.en he sayz dat he cnt forgive her.not upon wot she did to him. So, do u think he can change his mind en go back to that lady in future?Ofcourse i knw the kids will always belong to her since she is their mother no matter wot. But the good thing is they are both girls, so i think if we stay with them when they are old i think its better. Wot do u think?

If he has divorced the mother of the twins, then I dont see the reason why you should fear of him taking her back. The truth is, once they are divorced, the only reason they can come back again as husband and wife is to remarry, and I dont see that happening once you are married to him, except (God forbid) he divorce you again.
My advice, once you make up your mind that the twins are like your own children, and you are sure you loved the guy, it should not take you up to 2 weeks to decide, especially when you are not meeting him for the first time, your relationship had been on before he is giving you 2 weeks to make up your mind.
You must also remember that, there are other ladies around the corner who are ready to go into such marriage. One best thing you however need in this typ eof marriage and indeed in every marriage is PRAYERS, You sure need it in abundance, because every marriage union must have little problem from beginning, no marriage is perfect from the beginning. Ride on my sister, May God be with you.

Are you Nigerian

Hello Shamix,

Most of the responders have spoken well and I also noted that they were mostly male,now I want you to hear from a married lady,a little older than you.
Like someone stated earlier marriage is no joke.
Assuming every other thing is OK with this relationship,you love each other,he is a caring man that can provide for you and one you'll want to spend the rest of your life with,the twins should not be much of an issue.

But you must insist as he already hinted that you do not come into the home to start off a marriage same time as the kids since this is possible.
You will need time to bond with your husband alone without the added pressure of 2 children that are not biologically yours.
Ask him nicely that you two live alone for at least  a year or two before the twins come to live permanently,if he can afford it,let the girls come for summer vacation prior to their final relocation,that may help with a smoother adjustment.

I can understand your apprehension but if you love this man and he understands these your concerns and appreciates it and is willing to help in this transition,it would be a lot smoother.
I'm sure he would need an adjustment too afterall this would be his first time living with them also and the kids will also need time adjusting to "new" parents and new environment.

You need time to think all these through and make a decision that is right for you

_{Personally the 2 week ultimatum would be my deal breaker,I'll be wondering if he has other girls lined up and is waiting for the first to say yes.
You are the one to decide how much time you need to think this through}

I wish you all the best

I think babyosisi has said it all, and dont think u shld take the deadline thingy, take ur time and get emotionally prepared for wat u r going into(marriage) with or without the twins and past marriage, marriage is not a thing u rush into, but from ur jist it seems like u guys hav been 2gether for a while, i dont really think the kids should really be a prob.but my lil advice is just get ur self prepared to love and treat them like urs cos that way there will be peace in ur home. once u keep an open mind u'll be surprised how things will just fall into place.

Thanks u gyz for all your contributions. He agreed to leave the twins in Uganda until we settle since they are in a boarding school and their mum will always be there for them. I made up ma mind en we will be going home for the introduction and wedding in May then go to canada. I will keep u gyz posted on whatever goes on. Thanks once again for all your ideas. May the good Lord continue blessing u gyz. Long Live Nairalanders!

shamix:

Thanks u gyz for all your contributions. He agreed to leave the twins in Uganda until we settle since they are in a boarding school and their mum will always be there for them. I made up ma mind en we will be going home for the introduction and wedding in May then go to canada. I will keep u gyz posted on whatever goes on. Thanks once again for all your ideas. May the good Lord continue blessing u gyz. Long Live Nairalanders!

6 year olds in boarding school?

Yaa they have been there since they were 4.so they are now used to the system since there mother visits them always.

interesting!!!!! so there are boarding schools to accomodate infants. well thank God u'vr been able to make up ur mind and the intro thin is settin in soon, do wish u well and pls keep us posted as u've promised.
wishin u a HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

To:Shamix:First poster
I didn't get to read this in feb. The contributions that you got were fair.
Since you have made up your mind to go ahead with it. Before you did it. I was going to ask you how many relationships you have had with guys like boyfriend [what ever they call them these days]. If you have had one or more than that. Then this is the guy for you [maybe].

If you have not. Then that's a different issue. I would respect you for that. I will not respect you if you have had more than one. Assuming that you have not, before you get into marriage, you stated on one of your posts that you will be heading back home in May, this is the 10th. Rushing into something is never a good idea regardless of the way the other person presents the situation.

Before you make up your mind, you may have but is never too late to change your mind. Still based on the assumption I stated earlier, ask your self one question without thinking of any one, who do I want to be with? If he doesn't meet that person. Do your self a favor and call it off.

Like Analytical informed you. If you marry a guy that have divorced and if his wife is not dead, any lady marrying him is committing adultery. If you call it off, you still have a chance of finding some one else.

It will be better to stay single than commit adultery and maybe even worse [he divorces you or went back to the first wife, wife? Yes, the law can’t change that even though in the court of law, she is no longer his wife]

What you decide should be based on what you want and your past experience.

Peace.

a woman  at 28  not married is bad omen . according to my babalawo and at 28 u see a man that can take good care of u and u still de pose, naim be say u are not serious. U WAN MAKE IM KILL THE KIDS B4 U GREE ABI WETIN?