dEAR Nairaland Family,

I am in a fix and i need your thoughts on this as i don't have someone to speak to or reason with except you guys.

I am a years plus in marriage and what i am seeing is certainly not what i planned for. I don't wanna be like my Dad who has spent the last 36 years in a marriage he is miserable in. My mum is miserable too but she knows how to enjoy her self while still crying wolf. Unlike my introvert dad who has no friends to cheer him up.

I never really understood his problems , cos i didnt like how he took it out on his kids cos we were quite close to our mum growing up and he wasnt happy about that.He is quite lonely in his marriage and i now hate to see him suffer in silence and i dont wanna go through that route.

Now, i am married to an everyday good lady but we are not friends. I dont know how to cheer her up. She does not excite me and i am lonely.

This disconnect is affecting me badly and i want out before we start having kids.

I dont know how to explain what exactly is wrong,but i have come to the understanding that we dont really want the same thing in life.


Lets talk about sex.well i hardly have libido for her these days . I planned on having regular sex with my wife everyday, in every where, adventurous mind blowing sex with some crazy fun in my marriage.

She sees sex as a baby making tool, hence the sex these days is so mechanical that i rather not bother. I have woken her up several mornings to talk about my observation and desire for a change to her about it and at first it seemed to work until we started having money problems and it all stopped.

Now she believes herbal medicine and holy water will help her get pregnant instead of regular fun filled sex and regular study via online materials on sex, pregnancies and parenting. Cos the families we both emanated from are nothing to write home about, so we dont have guides.

She is a little chubby , while i am not complaining, i will like her to watch her weight because i cant say she should stop eating na. She is staying at home for now, and she likes food so the best i can do is advise her to do exercise. but this one self na another wahala.

Hygiene, is another problem . There is borehole and this generator is no electricity supply. Bathe and look sexy for me , lets play with our selves, you know pillow fights, we see movies together, you learn about the kinda movies i love, i learn about yours and weekend when we aint working we can buy fuel , stay in door and see movies. This i cant even get. She must either wanna wash cloths, cook food or she is busy and wont take her bathe till 3pm or so and by 5pm she is off to church. Saturday indoor time gone with the wind. Wetin man wan do na na to go drink beer watch football.


I have a mini library filled with materials and over 2000 3books ranging from novels, autobiography, inspirational books, political books,business book, e-commerce books, etc, that stimulates your mind to think and i have encouraged her to at least make out time to read, so we can discuss books, movies, businesses, ideals and quit or reduce talking about telemundo or televista stories , na lie. We cant even discuss football, not wrestling.CNN AND NEWS AROUND THE WORLD? Forget about it. Na blog stories win am.
She is just too complacent. too traditional about everything.

Last nerve. We dated for 9 good years and all through this period she lied to me that she was born in 1989 , a lie i bought cos she does not really look that old. I am 1987 product so two years aint bad. Our marriage certificate has the above date but i later noticed her younger sister was 1987 too, and upon further investigation, i discovered she is actually 1985 not 1989 which means she is 2 years older. She successfully lied for 9years that she was 1989 and used that age in virtually all her certificates and documents including our marriage certificate.If not for her sisters original birth certificate i saw , i wont know.


She feels things must be done her way and i must live according to her choices and demands that i sometimes wonder if its because she older than i am or it is because financially things are low at the moment?

I believe its a wife duty to cheer up her husband during bad days, pray, encourage and plan with her husband . Stand through though times together, but all i get is subtle insults, loneliness, being supervised, lack of trust ,and she is never wrong, etc.

I feel like sending her out of the house back to her parents in delta state, or just take some of my stuff and leave the house. When rent expire she go sought herself out as i nor want drama. How best do i handle this?

Or is there a possibility this marriage might still work? I am not really a divorce person, but i wont trade my happiness in the name of marriage.

interesting

She needed to get married more than you do. Anybody that can trick you into a union is bad for you.

would you want to hear the truth?

This is serious

GoldenJAT:
would you want to hear the truth?

It can't be worse than what I am feeling right now. So spill.

Your wife is not the problem.
The problem is that your expectation from her is too high, don't expect too much from your partner so that you won't be disappointed.

My only advice is that, be real to yourself, sort out this issue before having children, I have WARNED YOU.

Hmmm...bumpy road ahead...be careful...it is well.

For all the comments from experienced marriages and here on nairaland, it appears quiting before baby arrives is the best thing to do.

My Dad once on the alter of love gave up his dream for becoming a medical doctor and got into a marriage that has reduced him to nothing.

I have taking 9-10years of this young lady's life no doubt .

I have decided walking away from the marriage and giving her like 1million naira to start whatever business she decides be the best way to handle this?

I will be able to raise her 1m naira by middle of next year and I also travel out to start all over again. Let her do same.

Till death do us part is a long time to be unhappy and live miserably on the alter of marriage.

Thanks all. God bless you richly.

funguy12:


It can't be worse than what I am feeling right now. So spill.

I suggest you try shaping her to the kind of woman you want in a romantic way. Take her out for a drink on weekends. As per sex, take time to teach her about pre-intimacy. Lastly, remove that thought of divorce from your mind. Fix your marriage.

Marriage is a scam! You shouldn't have gotten married at all. That thing called love will varnish and you will be left hanging high and dry!

Unfortunately, it has happened to you already. Sorry for your loss!

I don't blame you tho. I blame the society that's so dumb that it thinks that if you are not married then you ain't "responsible". That's a stupidly myopic way of thinking!

If after reading this guy's story and you don't look at marriage with an open mind, then you are stupid beyond redemption!

You both should have remained boyfriend and girlfriend! At least there are no fairy tale guarantees. .

So what were you both doing during the 9 years

funguy12:


dEAR Nairaland Family,

I am in a fix and i need your thoughts on this as i don't have someone to speak to or reason with except you guys.

I am a years plus in marriage and what i am seeing is certainly not what i planned for. I don't wanna be like my Dad who has spent the last 36 years in a marriage he is miserable in. My mum is miserable too but she knows how to enjoy her self while still crying wolf. Unlike my introvert dad who has no friends to cheer him up.

I never really understood his problems , cos i didnt like how he took it out on his kids cos we were quite close to our mum growing up and he wasnt happy about that.He is quite lonely in his marriage and i now hate to see him suffer in silence and i dont wanna go through that route.

Now, i am married to an everyday good lady but we are not friends. I dont know how to cheer her up. She does not excite me and i am lonely.

This disconnect is affecting me badly and i want out before we start having kids.

I dont know how to explain what exactly is wrong,but i have come to the understanding that we dont really want the same thing in life.


Lets talk about sex.well i hardly have libido for her these days . I planned on having regular sex with my wife everyday, in every where, adventurous mind blowing sex with some crazy fun in my marriage.

She sees sex as a baby making tool, hence the sex these days is so mechanical that i rather not bother. I have woken her up several mornings to talk about my observation and desire for a change to her about it and at first it seemed to work until we started having money problems and it all stopped.

Now she believes herbal medicine and holy water will help her get pregnant instead of regular fun filled sex and regular study via online materials on sex, pregnancies and parenting. Cos the families we both emanated from are nothing to write home about, so we dont have guides.

She is a little chubby , while i am not complaining, i will like her to watch her weight because i cant say she should stop eating na. She is staying at home for now, and she likes food so the best i can do is advise her to do exercise. but this one self na another wahala.

Hygiene, is another problem . There is borehole and this generator is no electricity supply. Bathe and look sexy for me , lets play with our selves, you know pillow fights, we see movies together, you learn about the kinda movies i love, i learn about yours and weekend when we aint working we can buy fuel , stay in door and see movies. This i cant even get. She must either wanna wash cloths, cook food or she is busy and wont take her bathe till 3pm or so and by 5pm she is off to church. Saturday indoor time gone with the wind. Wetin man wan do na na to go drink beer watch football.


I have a mini library filled with materials and over 2000 3books ranging from novels, autobiography, inspirational books, political books,business book, e-commerce books, etc, that stimulates your mind to think and i have encouraged her to at least make out time to read, so we can discuss books, movies, businesses, ideals and quit or reduce talking about telemundo or televista stories , na lie. We cant even discuss football, not wrestling.CNN AND NEWS AROUND THE WORLD? Forget about it. Na blog stories win am.
She is just too complacent. too traditional about everything.

Last nerve. We dated for 9 good years and all through this period she lied to me that she was born in 1989 , a lie i bought cos she does not really look that old. I am 1987 product so two years aint bad. Our marriage certificate has the above date but i later noticed her younger sister was 1987 too, and upon further investigation, i discovered she is actually 1985 not 1989 which means she is 2 years older. She successfully lied for 9years that she was 1989 and used that age in virtually all her certificates and documents including our marriage certificate.If not for her sisters original birth certificate i saw , i wont know.


She feels things must be done her way and i must live according to her choices and demands that i sometimes wonder if its because she older than i am or it is because financially things are low at the moment?

I believe its a wife duty to cheer up her husband during bad days, pray, encourage and plan with her husband . Stand through though times together, but all i get is subtle insults, loneliness, being supervised, lack of trust ,and she is never wrong, etc.

I feel like sending her out of the house back to her parents in delta state, or just take some of my stuff and leave the house. When rent expire she go sought herself out as i nor want drama. How best do i handle this?

Or is there a possibility this marriage might still work? I am not really a divorce person, but i wont trade my happiness in the name of marriage.

MY FRIEND YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP...dont take advice from nairalanders, especially because most of them are kids..

You didn't notice these traits when you guys were dating? Was it a long distance relationship

Dear OP. . .

Firstly, your wife is a liar and a pretender. Intentionally tricking someone you are older than into marrying you is just too low. I imagine it first started as a harmless lie when you guys first met, then the relationship got serious and she probably didn't imagine it was going to end marriage. She was probably dating you while also hoping for someone more suitable to marry. In the end, she ended up with you, and by then she just couldn't tell you the truth and risk you leaving her at that point and leaving her stranded . . Now she's feels bitter and sad, like she settled.

If she were a good person, she would have told you her real age and let you decide if you wanted to leave or stay. But she chose to please herself instead and get what she wants, over your own happiness.

Now it's time to think about yourself. If the other issues you described were the only problem, I would have asked you to stay and deal with them. But the age issue shows how selfish and self centered the woman you married is. And that is never going to change.

As a matter of fact there's no big deal with what your asking of her and if she truly loves you and wants to make you happy, she'll make the effort.

Just hold off on the baby making for now. I think a separation will be in order. Your plans to travel is just perfect, after spending some time apart you can determine if you love her enough to tolerate those things (Because they are never changing), or if you want to move on with your life.

Marriage is not easy and you'll meet people who will suit you perfectly in the future, and it care is not taken you'll start having affairs with them just to keep yourself happy, because you are not happy at home.

It's still quite early to retrace your steps.

I will keep it real. You have problems! What is wrong with u?
Obviously, u are not matured for marriage despite being 30 years old.
Many men complain of their wives fighting them, beating them, starving them, both of food n sex, abusing them, squandering them. Yet Here u are complaining that when u want to watch film, ur wife is cooking or washing.

Pls do ur wicked mind so at least she has a chance to meet a real man who understands that his woman may not be perfect but she is the best for him.

Listen u better sort through your emotional disorder, u have problems with u and no woman can current ur depression!

Hmmmmmmm