Marriage requires patience and sacrifice

The unhealthy trend of proliferation of divorce among our brethren in faith over flimsy reasons calls for serious concern and caution. Muslim scholars have a great responsibility on their shoulders to admonish and enlighten our people that marriage isn't a bed of roses, but a call to responsibility that requires a great deal of patience and sacrifice. Parents also need to continually advise their wards, married or not on the enormous, or if you like, herculean task that comes with marriage.

Last year, a sister on this platform reached out to me to help save her broken marriage. She got married at 23 and 7 months later, her husband sent her packing whilst she was pregnant with her first child.

What went wrong? You will soon find out.

She wrote to me, "Ustaadh, please, save my marriage. I gave birth to my first child a couple of months ago here in my father's house. My husband did not even bother to know whether I was delivered safely or what the baby looks like. We sent to him to send the name he wish to name his child but he didn't respond."

Me: What happened? Why did he divorce you?

She: It's over hijaaab issue. When he met me, I wasn't using hijaaab but I promised to start using it gradually and he agreed. After marriage, he changed and became aggressive about it. One thing led to the other and he threw me out. Ustaadh, even the Qur'aan that I requested from him as dowry, he took it from me."

Me: SubhaanaLlaah! Can I have his details so I can hear his own side of the story?

She: Sure. (she sent me his phone number and Facebook name).

Immediately, I sent him a friend request which he accepted instantly and with gratitude. "It's great to finally have Sirnucy Lafiagi on my list", he messaged me. "I have been an ardent reader of your posts", he continued. So, we exchanged pleasantries and I asked him what he does for a living, to which he responded, "I'm a fashion designer, sir."

I disguised as a prospective customer who's interested in his work and had him sent to me pictures of his designs after which we agreed that he was gonna sew two clothes for me by month end. My plan was to establish mutual trust between us before bringing up his estranged wife's issue. Everything went as planned. However, just 5 days into our friendship, he sent a message to me saying, "Ustaadh, please, if you have any 'sahih' sister that's ready for marriage, I need a wife."

For me, there can never be another perfect time to raise his ex wife's matter than now. So I seized the opportunity with both hands. He told me exactly what the sister told me. The bone of contention wasn't her lack of religiosity or character deficiency, but refusal to wear the hijaaab. He further claimed that her parents worsened the matter when they came to take her away from his house. (The sister told me that it happened because he resorted to physically assaulting her, a claim that he didn't deny either.)

In the end, he told me that he's no longer interested in that marriage again. I told him to forget any recommendations from me. From that moment, we severed our friendship. Sadly, the sister was still begging me to talk to him. I asked her, why do you want to go back to him? She replied, he's the man that "turned me into a woman" (if you know what that means). After some serious admonitions, she came to the sad reality that he was gone forever.

Today, she's 25 and still hoping to be remarried to a responsible man who will treat her and her daughter with love and care. She's now a full hijaabi, and working seriously on her understanding of the Deen. Hopefully, our ministry will do its best to bring smile to her face soon.

Late last year, another brother sought my opinion on whether or not to divorce his wife who had remained adamant to use the hijaab in spite of his appeals and threats. I told him to do just 3 things:

* Subtle admonition and appeal

* Increased love and care

* Fervent prayer.

Personally, I also went through the same experience. It took me 5 years to be able to convince my wife and mother of my kids to use hijaab. Who could have imagined that? With my gargantuan personality on and offline, I still could not get my wife to use hijaab! I became a laughing stock in my area. The women who hated me for my Mathnaalogy lectures gossiped about me and their husbands told me. "Even your Alfa Sanusi's wife is not using hijaab", they will say.

The first day she wore it to office, she came back with some cheering news; the Ummu in her office expressed great delight in her new look and encouraged her to be more steadfast. Today, I'm extremely satisfied with her development. My patience, prayer and persistent admonition have finally paid off.

Divorce was never an option for me, given her background and where we were coming from. We all must learn to make our marriages work, no matter how long it takes.

Again, marriage is not a bed of roses. It requires patience and sacrifice.

Sirnucy Laf

Honourable Minister of Roads and Transports

Jazakumulahu khairan broda. May Almighty Allah reward you abundantly. I pray this write-up help both single and married brothers. I would like to ask you a question. Can U recommend any authentic dua'a one can always make to help with one's PATIENCE.

We mostly go in to marriage thinking its all a bed of roses and a smooth path to enjoyment! But we should all know marriage is a path of enjoyment and endurance!
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Marriage keywords: Endure, Enjoy.