I think I have been shying away from saying this due to several factors but I think as the pressure is being mounted on daily basis. It’s time to speak my mind on it. Personally, I feel for ladies and that majorly because, whichever way the pendulum swings, it doesn’t always favor them. They are the most venerable. Virtually, in almost every discussion I engage in within the last few months, 9 out of 10 involves marriage, and it comes in different forms, sometimes as a direct question, some subtly asking me when and where would I be getting married. For the record, marriage is a good thing ONLY if both parties are sincere and want it to work with conditions such as SELFLESSNESS, SACRIFICE, UNDERSTANDING AND I would add, REALISM being the foundation amongst other qualities. I have discussed with several persons who are according to the society due for marriage but yet to be married and my assessment of our discussion shows that many persons are oblivious of reality, banking on false hope especially the one peddled and sub-consciously fed into our soul by divergent religious beliefs. And from my perspective, I put the blame on our hard-core and unchanging belief system in handed down traditions and ways of life. This I call the ‘AFRICAN MENTALITY’. The African mentality with respect to marriage is not just archaic but simply unrealistic. Yes it did worked decades ago. But it is just not working right now. An average marriage now is either at the brink of breaking down, or in a managerial position where all parties involved are society-conscious, i.e. bothered about what people would say about them if things fall apart. (PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE WORD AVERAGE). But then, an average young person is consistently pressured or let me put it in a more succinct way, is wired to envisioned marriage as an integral part life because that is what the society is modeled to be. Let me be practical a little. Let take a look at the African model of an ideal life below.

This model worked perfectly back in the days. It was simple and realistic then, why? Because the world was not as complicated as it is. Women in those days are second-fiddle to men, low-average population, low rural-urban migration, better economy than we have now amongst other factors. Their place in the society is well mapped out and designed to be “in the other room”, kitchen, in fact their office is their home. That’s all. But today, can we totally say this is true? Though the mentality is still very much with us and If you agree with me that there is a change in situationalism, then how then do you expect the above model to work? Personally, I think it still work in rural areas, villages and much less infrastructural settlements. I think you should know why it would likely work there.

The funny thing about the above model is this, as soon as you enter stage 4 (marriage). You are in OYO (On Your Own). No one will help you feed your family, pay bills because marriage gives one a sense of responsibility for life. Let’s play the African model in today’s scenario. Presently there are over 200 million Nigerians with 10% of the Population accounting for 90% of Nigeria’s wealth. By implication, 180 million Nigerians are more like in poverty which kinda includes me and you because I am pretty sure am yet to be in the elite 10%. Thus, I can confidently say, for an average young Nigerian, who just got a job lives on an average job salary of N50,000. He gets to meet the love of his life, BAM! got married because it is the next phase of life. And a new circle begins. If he is a little smart, he marries a lady who is working too within same salary range. Thus, the new family has an average cumulative of N100,000 monthly. It is good for a start. For me, for the two of them, it’s not bad, but as soon as child one get in, the quality of life gets slimmer in geometric progression especially bearing in mind that perhaps none of them like work for the government, so the chances of a salary raise or promotion is as good as imaginary. Thus, with N100,000 for two people, it becomes N100,000 for three, four , or perhaps five in less than 10years. With more resources moving towards the children and much less towards the parents and considering the current bad economy, inflation and if you are realistic, based on history matching and future prediction, things are not gonna get better, N1 can never come back to $1, cost of living will continue to get higher, life expectancy will get lower except you choose to live in your religious fantasy and dreamland. There is no how, such family will not crack.

I may not be able to tell how long they would stick together but those cracks get wider every second when there is a need that cannot be met financially or otherwise. Here comes, the justification for vices such as adultery. The wife tries to keep up with her societal friends who are making it big by augmenting the peanut she gets with a business I call SEX FOR MONEY trade-by-barter model with other men apart from her husband. The man, out of frustration get to sweet-tongue one side-chick to satisfy his sexual desires because madam-wife no longer have his time. Before you say, jack, side-chick is pregnant and wants to be a shareholder in husband and wife international company. It can either end up splitting the marriage or having a turbulent merger, thus having, husband, wife and side-chick turned wife international company. I know many persons are highly religious and have so much faith, but I am a realist, I work with what I see and projections made on reality. Ask an average married fella? They will usually say, ‘marriage is not easy’; that’s a subtle way of saying, if I have my way, I will back-out. Why? They are bearing it not enjoying it. The façade, pretense is no more, reality has sunk in deep and its either you bear and carry your cross like Jesus did or throw the cross away and be free again.. and I think many people are doing the later because they aren’t Jesus. Hence, the several divorces and brutal separations. Mind you that’s just a figment of one possible realistic scenario which one thing or the other, you can relate with. This has birth the bastadized model of African life now, the baby-mama/ baby-papa lifestyle. Whether you like it or not, it is creeping in gradually and would stay put. Why? There is only one burden to carry by both parents, their child which is the connection.

Personally, am no fan of such lifestyle but it’s part of the reality I come to terms with but not necessary agree with but why is it gaining ground, because of the stiffness, conservativeness and blind religious beliefs the African society has held on to with little or no room for changes. This has made some young people damn the consequences and do whatsoever they do to make themselves happy. Mind you, while a lot of persons like me don’t like the idea of baby-mama or papa. Some persons involved or not involved see it as the way out of the bondage called marriage. I don’t blame them. The model they knew never worked for this generation no matter how it is spinned especially from the religious circles.

Like I said earlier, I pity ladies more, why? Because they are the ones that are more stuck in the African model of life and the funny thing is, it does not favour them. They let go their ambitions, their visions and dreams just to be in bondage with some man. It is only in Africa, Nigeria that an ambitious woman, Career lady is unfulfilled because she is not married. It is only in Nigeria that a well-to-do- lady would for-go her work or even business and hand-over the rudder of her life to a man. I don’t believe in surrender it all, I believe in Partnership. My question is this, would you rather be single, ‘lonely’, maybe ‘unhappy’, maybe ‘financially instable’ than be married and potentially experience the entire above but with a clause, you are married with more responsibilities. The point is, no matter how they spin it that it is better to be married than single. Reality says otherwise and you are better off, you stand a chance having a better marriage if you add realism (being realistic) to your marital plans. Please stop making a big deal out of marriage it is no big deal. It is a good thing but not compulsory.

I love you write up.

firstly I wouldn't dwell on the issues assuming the are set standard.

throughout the world women still look at marriage as a success step that needed to be attain.

men should be groomed to accept responsibility and be allowed to grow so as to attain financial stability before getting into marriage.

WinningSun:
I love you write up.

firstly I wouldn't dwell on the issues assuming the are set standard.

throughout the world women still look at marriage as a success step that needed to be attain.

men should be groomed to accept responsibility and be allowed to grow so as to attain financial stability before getting into marriage.

Thanks, I was expecting the usually bashing from nairaland but atleast its good to know someone understand my point. Your last statement should be taken to heart by young men and even women. Thanks

WinningSun:
I love you write up.

firstly I wouldn't dwell on the issues assuming the are set standard.

throughout the world women still look at marriage as a success step that needed to be attain.

men should be groomed to accept responsibility and be allowed to grow so as to attain financial stability before getting into marriage.

Will being financial stable also mean the ability to take up all financial constraints in the marriage?

aytuns:


Will being financial stable also mean the ability to take up all financial constraints in the marriage?

being financially stable, solves a better part of the problem in marriage. no financially capable man will absolve his responsibility.