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@CHAIRCOVER, dis s my story. m d wife. there are js no two ways to ascertain figures on deposit slips
d figures on d deposits wasnt going into a casino A/C or, ,it was actually going to his family's A/C.
m nt evn bothered abt he nt caring for my parents,bt y shld others b cared 4 wen m nt cared for.

My husband is the first of 22 Kids and the first 10 years of our marriage were like having holes in the pocket. Initially I was the one working because he was in school. I never even asked him what he sent home and I never treid to spy on him. It was hard but over the years it has reduced drastically and today as a result of the help we gave them most of them are able to stand on their feet.
However while we could hadly build up anything for ourselves many of his younger siblings were able to acquire properties. Well I thank God that at least they are comfortable today.
How did I get it to reduce?
After some years some of his siblings were earning well and did not have the commitments we had. One day we got a call, a relation needed oney for medical treatment abroad. My husband turned and looked a me because he had promised to help but the amount was large. I just said to him, "darling I am not saying you shouldn`t help, but just pick up that phone you dropped and start calling your other siblings to ask them to contribute their own share". He was not too sure if it was a good idea but I assured him he had performed his duties as a first child brilliantly tll now and the hole aim of training the younger ones was for them to also help train others, only that way would the family progress i on the long run. He heeded my advice and was amazed how willing and proud his youngr siblings were to contribute. Since them the family members always inform him when they need help and he organises the younger ones. SOmetimes a younger one might even contribute the whole sum. Such help even includes paying rent and sponsoring younger oooones to go abroad.
MY husband also never sent anything to my Dad , when I asked him after some years he sais he just felt my Da did not need it because I never asked him. Well I never aske because I felt he had more than enough burdens. Sometimes lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings.

Please allow your husband to help his family , I feel it is wrong to intervane. Do you realise what parents sacrifice to raise children. This is his time to show appreciation. How would you fell if your own child left you out in the cold?

@mutter i wil appreciate if u re-read my post. i never said he shouldnt cater for his family,in my post,i mentioned dt most time i remind him to send a compulsory monthly allowance to his parents. i sometimes send mony to his parents,so dnt see frm one side. judging from wat u said, didnt my parents suffer to train me up too. so does it mean dt my parents are good to neglected while his s nt?. Beside they are only 5 in dia family and he s d 4th. all of them are married. C'mon,God forbid,if something shld happen to him,do u knw dt nobody in dt family wil stand for me?

well some things are not covered by monthly allowance.
How much is too much or too little? That depends on their needs and his income.
Do your parents not have other children to care for them?

The truth is you want to be in control over what he gives to his family and I just don`t think he is playing along with him.
Please don`t go and do a charm to break this so called charm he is under

@mutter. m nt callous as u sounded. my parents are nt dependent on any of their children,neither v they complained to me nor did i complain to him. yes! some things are nt covered by mere monthly allowance bt wat covers my own needs,his own kids? how come al of a sudden i want 2 b in control of wat he sends home,y nt long ago? i js dnt kw wat 2 say 2 u. al dsame 10ks,u only aired ur view

What advice are u really looking for

mutter:

My husband is the first of 22 Kids and the first 10 years of our marriage were like having holes in the pocket. Initially I was the one working because he was in school. I never even asked him what he sent home and I never treid to spy on him. It was hard but over the years it has reduced drastically and today as a result of the help we gave them most of them are able to stand on their feet.
However while we could hadly build up anything for ourselves many of his younger siblings were able to acquire properties. Well I thank God that at least they are comfortable today.
How did I get it to reduce?
After some years some of his siblings were earning well and did not have the commitments we had. One day we got a call, a relation needed oney for medical treatment abroad. My husband turned and looked a me because he had promised to help but the amount was large. I just said to him, "darling I am not saying you shouldn`t help, but just pick up that phone you dropped and start calling your other siblings to ask them to contribute their own share". He was not too sure if it was a good idea but I assured him he had performed his duties as a first child brilliantly tll now and the hole aim of training the younger ones was for them to also help train others, only that way would the family progress i on the long run. He heeded my advice and was amazed how willing and proud his youngr siblings were to contribute. Since them the family members always inform him when they need help and he organises the younger ones. SOmetimes a younger one might even contribute the whole sum. Such help even includes paying rent and sponsoring younger oooones to go abroad.
MY husband also never sent anything to my Dad , when I asked him after some years he sais he just felt my Da did not need it because I never asked him. Well I never aske because I felt he had more than enough burdens. Sometimes lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings.

Please allow your husband to help his family , I feel it is wrong to intervane. Do you realise what parents sacrifice to raise children. This is his time to show appreciation. How would you fell if your own child left you out in the cold?

This is all u got to do. . . Talk to him convince him to seek help from those he's already helped. . . U guys should have a family account where family allowance will be put in monthly. Just be sweet to him so u won't appear to be nagging and hating. . . Cos now u think he's under a spell. . . He wears the shoe he know where it hurts, u can only guess

@myvinne -

so does it mean dt my parents are good to neglected while his s nt?.

How is he neglecting your parents if he does not send money to them? He sends money to HIS parents. You send money to yours! Also, there is nothing wrong with you sending money to each others parents - if you choose to do so, but claims of neglect, because he is not sending to your parents are a bit unfounded.

Whilst you seem to have justifiable concerns regarding your finances as a couple, the big elephant in the room seems to be your obsession with how much money he spends on his own family. Its seems you see YOUR family unit(You, Hubby, Kid), are in competition with your husband's siblings and family. This should not be the case. I mean, look at some of your statements -

My husband has most qualities any woman would want in a man,dt I must confess. But,those qualities he doesn’t have,undermines d ones he has got.

So, to you, being selfless with his family, albeit to a fault,  now erases ALL the other good qualities he otherwise has?? This betrays your true agenda!

we cant even eat good food, lack some necessities.

Exactly what is "good food"? Obviously, the food you eat is below your expectations for what you should be eating based on HIS income. Why cant YOU buy this supposed "good" food? You are now working, aent you?

before I started working I made sure dat in as much as I contributed nothing finanacialy,I by all means reduce expenses dat to the extend of denying myself  a lot. But yet nothing to show for the labour and much harvest.

This is funny. So, you are doing him a favour by being prudent with HIS money? What exactly did you deny yourself - with someone else's money? And he should appreciate this, right?
And why do YOU "expect" a harvest from someone else's labour? Should you not be focusing on YOUR "labour" and expecting YOUR "harvest"? Again, your desire for control is apparent.


I repeat, whilst you may have some legitimate concerns, you need to get rid of that overriding desire to control what your husband does with his finances - especially with regards to his family. You can discuss this issue without linking it to ANYTHING he does with his family.
If you dont, you may eventually end up alienating your husband over this issue, and you will have lost the chance to resolve it.

Naa his immediate family should be his priority

Why will my husband send money when there is no food stuffs in the house? why should he send money without making sure his family is well catered for?


A man needs some savings for rainy day, you have to prepare and get ready for the worst, what if he loses his job right now,what and who is he going to rely on? jeez especially when the people he is sending the money to are married, his sisters have husbands now that should be able to take care of them, im not against him sending money to them but do it once in a while.


Nope its wrong

definitely agree with Jenny. he now has a family of his own and that should be his number one priority above all.


you seriously need to communicate with him and make understand his responsibility to his new family first. he can still help his parents and siblings but not doing so in detrimental of his immediate family


you don't go chasing a rat, while your house is on fire.

As long as you are sure that those "large" amounts of money are not going to something else. I don't know how to advice you really because I personally have a problem with women who make money but do not contribute it to the household.

Outstrip:

As long as you are sure that those "large" amounts of money are not going to something else. I don't know how to advice you really because I personally have a problem with women who make money but do not contribute it to the household.

myvine:

before I started working I made sure dat in as much as I contributed nothing finanacialy,I by all means reduce expenses dat to the extend of denying myself a lot.

she did not contribute cos she wasnt working then

Okay. I get it now. It was hard for me to tell her to worry about her husbands money when he does not worry about hers. @ poster I think you should do more to get him to understand that tomorrow does not take care of itself. By failing to plan you simply plan to fail. The other thing that makes me very uncomfortable is that it has been my experience that when the issues of money is not an open book then there is other trouble brewing that yu might not see now. Any money he sends should be money you are aware of BEFORE he sends it. Also why that money is being sent. The other issue is that typically when a family member receives money they usually call to thank you so if the siblings did not call to thank you then it is either they are not getting the money for what he says they are or they simply see you as a money tree to come pluck from when they get the feeling.
I am okay with helping someone who is down but it should not be a habit. Every body needs to hustle for their own. It is a big deal when you cannot explain where money goes

@myvine your story is pathetic and I must tell you if am in your shoes I will really be very upset and hurt. I wouldn't understand why your husband is sending money to his married sisters when there is no food in the house to eat. There is nothing wrong for him to send money to them but come off it they are married. What is their husband's responsibilities? Your husband should ask himself that if one of his sisters had come to complain to him that the husband is sending money to his sisters and there is no food in the house to eat, how will he feel? I don't like men that are insensitive, you need to talk to him and let him understand how you feel. He has to stop carrying responsibilities of married women in their husband's house, if they were not married it is quite understanding.
Sit him down and talk with him, plan your future and please don't mortgage your children future because of your husband excesses. God forbid anything happens to him or the job, I bet you those family will laugh at you and call you irresponsible woman that didn't know how to manage the home.