nairalanders, I am confused and this is the last place I would ever think I would bring my family issues.. I have been married to my husband for 8 yrs with 2kids..he has been caring and all sort..

The problem started 6 months ago when he brought in his friend without informing me to leave with us cos of the distance from work to his home, along the line,I noticed my husband started coming home late, like past 12am,1am or even 2am,he doesn't bother calling me when he is at work, I do the calling and I kept complaining he apologizes and he continues again.
whenever he comes back from work,he would rather sit with his friend and even forget to sleep in his friend room,I have to wake him up to come over and sleep,he doesn't even help with the kids anymore,he doesn't want to go to church anymore,I keep wasting food as he won't eat if his friend his around. on Val's day my husband didn't even call or send a message or buy a gift,it has never happened before. I called his friend and warned that I don't want to see him in my matrimonial home again and I guess he told my husband,my husband didn't speak to me since morning, I even went to meet him about what was wrong and he said he was going to beat me up when I called him gay. he has reported me to my family and I feel so bad,I am so hurt and I don't know what to do,he is not himself this morning because his friend is not around

He has said it all by himself by mentioning the gay word even beore you did.
Allowing an adult person in our matrimonial home is a recipe for breaking up the marriage in the first place.

Right now the damage has been done already and even if you decide to do away with the friend, they will still find other means to be seeing each other.
You forgot to say if your husband and his friend keeps late night together?

If yes then i will advice you have a heart ro heart talk with him.

opejulie10:
nairalanders, I am confused and this is the last place I would ever think I would bring my family issues.. I have been married to my husband for 8 yrs with 2kids..he has been caring and all sort..

The problem started 6 months ago when he brought in his friend without informing me to leave with us cos of the distance from work to his home, along the line,I noticed my husband started coming home late, like past 12am,1am or even 2am,he doesn't bother calling me when he is at work, I do the calling and I kept complaining he apologizes and he continues again.
whenever he comes back from work,he would rather sit with his friend and even forget to sleep in his friend room,I have to wake him up to come over and sleep,he doesn't even help with the kids anymore,he doesn't want to go to church anymore,I keep wasting food as he won't eat if his friend his around. on Val's day my husband didn't even call or send a message or buy a gift,it has never happened before. I called his friend and warned that I don't want to see him in my matrimonial home again and I guess he told my husband,my husband didn't speak to me since morning, I even went to meet him about what was wrong and he said he was going to beat me up when I called him gay. he has reported me to my family and I feel so bad,I am so hurt and I don't know what to do,he is not himself this morning because his friend is not around

Your suspicions that he may be gay, based on what you just described is completely unfounded. Except there's something you are not saying.

Even if the guy was his lover, do you think he would be stupid enough to bring him into his matrimonial home?

Wisdom is profitable!

pls face ur lane n leave ur man to his own, play with ur kids n ur phone. he will be jealous once he sees u don't worry about him as u use to

UjuJoan2:


Your suspicions that he may be gay, based on what you just described is completely unfounded. Except there's something you are not saying.

Even if the guy was his lover, do you think he would be stupid enough to bring him into his matrimonial home?

Wisdom is profitable!

thank you for this post.

Oga o

Marital wahala

The problem started immediately the friend came in......hmmmmm

He is not get from what you have said. You go wake him up to come to the room. Sleeps in his friend's room not as if they lock the door.
There is something bothering your husband. Job problems, cult problem, the past hunting him, or debt, or he has issues. You should be more worried bout his life than gay. You too might need to check yourself. You need to act fast

You should never have called to warn his friend or accused him of being gay to his face. If your husband is gay, you would have seen warning signs even in your courtship not after a whopping 8 years of marriage. The friend could be wrongly influencing him but gay? Very unlikely.

UjuJoan2:


Your suspicions that he may be gay, based on what you just described is completely unfounded. Except there's something you are not saying.

Even if the guy was his lover, do you think he would be stupid enough to bring him into his matrimonial home?

Wisdom is profitable!

like what... I have not done anything... I don't usually react to stuff unless I study it, I have complained times without number and he keeps promising to change... I am tired,is it wrong trying to fight for my husband attention??

dangermouse:
He has said it all by himself by mentioning the gay word even beore you did.
Allowing an adult person in our matrimonial home is a recipe for breaking up the marriage in the first place.

Right now the damage has been done already and even if you decide to do away with the friend, they will still find other means to be seeing each other.
You forgot to say if your husband and his friend keeps late night together?

If yes then i will advice you have a heart ro heart talk with him.

I am trying to but he shoo-in me away... like get out my sight, I don't want to see you??

opejulie10:



like what... I have not done anything... I don't usually react to stuff unless I study it, I have complained times without number and he keeps promising to change... I am tired,is it wrong trying to fight for my husband attention??

I understand your frustration madam, but accusing him of being gay just because he is close to his friend is going too far.

There are a number of reasons why your husband would prefer his friend's company to yours, and most have noting to do with sexual orientation.

He is thrilled to have a pal around to do 'guy things' with, and not be bothered about boring family responsibilities. It's a phase that will pass.

What you need to do is to try and win his attention back, try and make him your best friend again . . . not fight and quarrel with him, that will only push him further away.

Alternatively, let him be! When he needs you again he will come back.

opejulie10:


I am trying to but he shoo-in me away... like get out my sight, I don't want to see you??

Then it is more serious athan you think.
In as much as it is not wise bringing in third parties to ones matrimonial issues, i will advise you seek advise from his parents and yours too.
By so doing you can get an insight where the whole problem lies and then know the way forward.

his job is demanding but he has been coping,we talk about his work a lot, I even assisted him with loans from my office to help out,he is taking care of the kids,we don't have monetary issues, but this late home coming, drinking at beer palor, been friends with someone that has like 3 girlfriends apart from his wife is my problem... could my husband so value this friendship that he can act so cold towards me to the extent of trying to beat me up because I warned him I don't want to see friend at our home??

UjuJoan2:


I understand your frustration madam, but accusing him of being gay just because he is close to his friend is going too far.

There are a number of reasons why your husband would prefer his friend's company to yours, and most have noting to do with sexual orientation.

He is thrilled to have a pal around to do 'guy things' with, and not be bothered about boring family responsibilities. It's a phase that will pass.

What you need to do is to try and win his attention back, try and make him your best friend again . . . not fight and quarrel with him, that will only push him further away.

Alternatively, let him be! When he needs you again he will come back.

Thanks, I will do this#crying#, never knew a day like this would come in my marriage when my husband will neglect me because of a friend, I think it's high time I start making friends too,he is my only friend and hurts so much to see your best friend having other friends.

opejulie10:
his job is demanding but he has been coping,we talk about his work a lot, I even assisted him with loans from my office to help out,he is taking care of the kids,we don't have monetary issues, but this late home coming, drinking at beer palor, been friends with someone that has like 3 girlfriends apart from his wife is my problem... could my husband so value this friendship that he can act so cold towards me to the extent of trying to beat me up because I warned him I don't want to see friend at our home??

see your life... So his friend even has three girlfriends... Madam, no matter how good a woman is , once she makes the house a place of war instead of peace, the man will search for a place of peace which may most likely end in the laps of another woman.... Just pray he does not end in the laps of Delilah... Your approach was obviously the problem since you were reacting based on the assumption that you are sure he is gay...

SmellingAnus:
see your life... So his friend even has three girlfriends... Madam, no matter how good a woman is , once she makes the house a place of war instead of peace, the man will will search for a place of peace which may most likely end in the laps of another woman.... Just pray he does end in the laps of Delilah... Your approach was obviously the problem since you were reacting based on the assumption that you are sure he is gay...

how did I make my home a place of war??by correcting him about coming home late,or not attending to his kids life anymore,or by cautioning him about visiting beer palor or drinking so bad that he vomits everywhere in the house.... I should have just left him and not say a word because I want peace to reign

opejulie10:



how did I make my home a place of war??by correcting him about coming home late,or not attending to his kids life anymore,or by cautioning him about visiting beer palor or drinking so bad that he vomits everywhere in the house.... I should have just left him and not say a word because I want peace to reign

you mean by accusing him of being gay is a peaceful and reasonable way to complain... He is a good man just like me, if it were some men, you truly would have been beaten blue black... Anyway, just go on your knees and apologize to him for now, at least there will be Peace if your pride will even let you do it.... When there is peace, you can now wisely look for evidence if you still suspect he is gay...

No matter the situation, people will always finds ways to blame the woman...
SMH..

He's fallen outta love with you. Simple.

I hope you haven't grown so overweight and slovenly over the years that he no longer finds you attractive.

SmellingAnus:
you mean by accusing him of being gay is a peaceful and reasonable way to complain... He is a good man just like me, if it were some men, you truly would have been beaten blue black... Anyway, just go on your knees and apologize to him for now, at least there will be Peace if your pride will even let you do it.... When there is peace, you can now wisely look for evidence if you still suspect he is gay...

Lol I knew the OP will get this kind of advice soon enough. Yeah beg him and apologize for even thinking he's gay, an African man can never ever be gay

Accusing your husband to be a gay is a serious issue. You even said it to his face that's too much to say. I think your hubby might be having an extra marital affairs not with his friend but through the influence of his friend. It explains your husband change of behavior. You stated his friend keeps many gfs so we can't rule that out.

For the way out, first you have to apologize to him. You know him better than any one here so you should know how to draw him back. After he must have forgiven you, you guys should discuss concerning his friend staying in your house . You can't discuss this when he is still mad at you. Personally, I wont entertain visitors more than 2weeks in my house. Find a way to tell your hubby so his friend could find another place to stay. There will be more trouble if he keeps staying with you guys and it's very obvious you are not comfortable with him staying.

Madam that word Gay is very irritating and demeaning to describe any man with and I think u should apologize. I think u are overreacting. Sometimes we men love the distance or independence. u should be patient because he will come around. u guys have kids together. Keep the line of communication open and if he's not responding, make him understand that u are available whenever he's ready. Am sure there's a good explanation for all this but Gay is definitely not one of them. Stay strong.

opejulie10:
nairalanders, I am confused and this is the last place I would ever think I would bring my family issues.. I have been married to my husband for 8 yrs with 2kids..he has been caring and all sort..

The problem started 6 months ago when he brought in his friend without informing me to leave with us cos of the distance from work to his home, along the line,I noticed my husband started coming home late, like past 12am,1am or even 2am,he doesn't bother calling me when he is at work, I do the calling and I kept complaining he apologizes and he continues again.
whenever he comes back from work,he would rather sit with his friend and even forget to sleep in his friend room,I have to wake him up to come over and sleep,he doesn't even help with the kids anymore,he doesn't want to go to church anymore,I keep wasting food as he won't eat if his friend his around. on Val's day my husband didn't even call or send a message or buy a gift,it has never happened before. I called his friend and warned that I don't want to see him in my matrimonial home again and I guess he told my husband,my husband didn't speak to me since morning, I even went to meet him about what was wrong and he said he was going to beat me up when I called him gay. he has reported me to my family and I feel so bad,I am so hurt and I don't know what to do,he is not himself this morning because his friend is not around

You seem like a troublesome person.

You don't like his friend, good. But unless this friend of his did something particularly upsetting to you personally, then I don't understand why you're taking out your dissatisfaction with your husband's new behaviour on him.

Your husband didn't inform you before inviting him over to stay at your house, okay. How is it the fault of his friend?

What you're doing is reacting impulsively to a credible threat to your marriage but misdirecting it at the wrong person. Your husband is who you should be focused on, not his friend.
If you have tried to talk to your husband and he's not changing back to how you would like him to be, you don't take it out on the friend, you keep trying.

Telling his friend to stay away is quite an immature route to take, and frankly makes you look like a jealous side-chick who's not sure of her place in the life of her man..

Act like a wife, not a side-chick.

opejulie10:
nairalanders, I am confused and this is the last place I would ever think I would bring my family issues.. I have been married to my husband for 8 yrs with 2kids..he has been caring and all sort..

The problem started 6 months ago when he brought in his friend without informing me to leave with us cos of the distance from work to his home, along the line,I noticed my husband started coming home late, like past 12am,1am or even 2am,he doesn't bother calling me when he is at work, I do the calling and I kept complaining he apologizes and he continues again.
whenever he comes back from work,he would rather sit with his friend and even forget to sleep in his friend room,I have to wake him up to come over and sleep,he doesn't even help with the kids anymore,he doesn't want to go to church anymore,I keep wasting food as he won't eat if his friend his around. on Val's day my husband didn't even call or send a message or buy a gift,it has never happened before. I called his friend and warned that I don't want to see him in my matrimonial home again and I guess he told my husband,my husband didn't speak to me since morning, I even went to meet him about what was wrong and he said he was going to beat me up when I called him gay. he has reported me to my family and I feel so bad,I am so hurt and I don't know what to do,he is not himself this morning because his friend is not around

Report him to his immediate family or at worst extended family and your church pastor too and you can start from there.

I hope you have not annoyed him in any way as I take women's story with a grain of salt.

UjuJoan2:


Your suspicions that he may be gay, based on what you just described is completely unfounded. Except there's something you are not saying.

Even if the guy was his lover, do you think he would be stupid enough to bring him into his matrimonial home?

Wisdom is profitable!

Exactly, very unfounded at that. She should check herself to see what she did wrong to her husband and if there is nothing she did wrong, she should report her husband to the immediate family or at worst the extended family and her church pastor too. The case can be taken from there. Definitely not a case to fret over as our women make issues as a storm in a tea cup SMH.

UjuJoan2:


Your suspicions that he may be gay, based on what you just described is completely unfounded. Except there's something you are not saying.

Even if the guy was his lover, do you think he would be stupid enough to bring him into his matrimonial home?

Wisdom is profitable!

Exactly. She needs to check herself first to know if she has annoyed him, and if not, report him to the immediate family or at worst the extended family and her church pastor too. They can take it from there. This case is not a case to fret over as our women make issues as a storm in a tea cup.

Mizwisdom:



Lol I knew the OP will get this kind of advice soon enough. Yeah beg him and apologize for even thinking he's gay, an African man can never ever be gay

come on, there are many African men that are gays, that doesn't mean you should go accuse your husband that he is gay even when you don't have substantial evidence to back it up...

SmellingAnus:
you mean by accusing him of being gay is a peaceful and reasonable way to complain... He is a good man just like me, if it were some men, you truly would have been beaten blue black... Anyway, just go on your knees and apologize to him for now, at least there will be Peace if your pride will even let you do it.... When there is peace, you can now wisely look for evidence if you still suspect he is gay...

So you see nothing wrong with a man ignoring his family for his philandering friend? Getting drunk in pubs when he should be spending quality time with his family. A man that threatened his wife when she confronted him on his sudden change in lifestyle. That is your own definition of a good man? I don't blame you much, it's the upbringing and the kind of society you live in that I blame. A society that believes that a man can do anyhow as he likes, it's his wife duty to accept it all without flinching. She may have crossed the line by accusing him of being gay but she has every right to confront him over the bad habits he's picking from his friend.

dominique:



So you see nothing wrong with a man ignoring his family for his philandering friend? Getting drunk in pubs when he should be spending quality time with his family. A man threatened his wife when she confronted him on his sudden change in lifestyle. That is your own definition of a good man? I don't blame you much, it's the upbringing and the kind of society you live in that I blame. A society that believes that a man can do anyhow as he likes, it's his wife duty to accept it all without flinching. She may have crossed the line by accusing him of being gay but she has every right to confront him over the bad habits he's picking from his friend.

sweetheart, let me make a confession, I believe in "feminism with common Sense", I respect women having being raised by a single mother, that's why even on nairaland I have never exchanged words with the female folks...

Now back to this matter, it's her husband and she should confront him, but if you had followed my write-up you would have known that I told her that her approach was the problem... Firstly, how dare her call him gay without having substantial proof? How dare her call his friend to warn him when she would have focused on her husband and try to resolve the issue without such heavy accusation of him being gay? By the way, I don't support his change of life style that is affecting his home negatively... She deserves her husband's time when he is chanced... She deserves to be happy but she shouldn't make the house a theater of war/insults and expect a good man to be spending more time in such atmosphere in order to avoid domestic violence against her...

crackhaus:

You seem like a troublesome person.

You don't like his friend, good. But unless this friend of his did something particularly upsetting to you personally, then I don't understand why you're taking out your dissatisfaction with your husband's new behaviour on him.

Your husband didn't inform you before inviting him over to stay at your house, okay. How is it the fault of his friend?

What you're doing is reacting impulsively to a credible threat to your marriage but misdirecting it at the wrong person. Your husband is who you should be focused on, not his friend.
If you have tried to talk to your husband and he's not changing back to how you would like him to be, you don't take it out on the friend, you keep trying.

Telling his friend to stay away is quite an immature route to take, and frankly makes you look like a jealous side-chick who's not sure of her place in the life of her man..

Act like a wife, not a side-chick.

Thanks a lot...we learn everyday
I am not trouble some, my husband would have sent me packing because he doesn't rubbish and I grew up under a submissive mum, I have only learnt I can't keep my husband to myself, others too have to share him right

UjuJoan2:


I understand your frustration madam, but accusing him of being gay just because he is close to his friend is going too far.

There are a number of reasons why your husband would prefer his friend's company to yours, and most have noting to do with sexual orientation.

He is thrilled to have a pal around to do 'guy things' with, and not be bothered about boring family responsibilities. It's a phase that will pass.

What you need to do is to try and win his attention back, try and make him your best friend again . . . not fight and quarrel with him, that will only push him further away.

Alternatively, let him be! When he needs you again he will come back.

Another good advice especially the last one.

dangermouse:

Then it is more serious athan you think.
In as much as it is not wise bringing in third parties to ones matrimonial issues, i will advise you seek advise from his parents and yours too.
By so doing you can get an insight where the whole problem lies and then know the way forward.

Gave the same advice, include your pastor too.