After a very hectic day at the office, I decided to find my way home. It is always the best moments for most of us who do nine to five (9 to 5) jobs. At least the hurly burly of the day is over.
As I walked along my always very busy street which was characterized by cheap drinking pubs and whores who simply referred to themselves as hustlers, I ran into Jide, a close friend of mine who was always eager to offer me free alcohol, not caring if I was in the mood or not. I sometimes turn him down but today, I needed a beer to cool down my already stressed up brain. Today work no be here sha! Jide once told me that at the bottom of the bottle lies the solutions to his everyday problems. I used to disagree with him and always told him it was a drunkard’s excuse.
I could still recollect how I met this cool dude. I met Jide in a bus where he worked as a bus conductor. I had boarded the bus that morning not aware that the fuel scarcity had resulted in a triple increase in bus fare. I quietly approached the conductor who seems not to be listening to what I was saying. He ignored me and kept on with the task of collecting fare from other passengers. My heart was pounding fast. I was scared of the scenario that will result from a conductor- passenger scuffle. As I drew near to my bus stop with a plea of “please don’t embarrass me” on my face, I folded what I had on me carefully in my palm and stretched it towards the conductor who to my surprise gave me a sign with a wave of this hands to keep the money that was supposed to be T-fare. I quietly alighted from the bus while muttering an almost inaudible “thank you” so as not to attract the attention of the driver who would have frowned seriously at the kind gesture of his conductor. It was not until a week later I ran into Jide again, but this time it was on a Saturday night around my area. That was when I discovered that he actually stays in the next street and knew me though I hadn’t really registered his face. “I dey always admire you from far because them say you go book well well” He had said in Pidgin English. He was actually trying to say I was a graduate. “Me I for like go school o! Na money fall my hand”. He continued. He was trying to make me understand that lack of funds have prevented him from acquiring a formal education “Anyway come Sidon make we take one-one bottle”. That was how our friendship started. Jide was very intelligent in spite of his lack of formal education. He was well informed on most issues and tells me he sources his information from passengers and sometime from BBC news which he always tunes to on the small radio he always carries about. Today he was in a very chatty mood. “O boy you hear say this big bank people wan bring out new five thousand naira note?” He asked? “Talk true!” I expressed in feigned surprise. I had earlier heard the morning news from my landlord’s radio as I was taking my bath. Though it was still been debated in the legislative chambers, it has not yet scaled through. As the news blared from the ever noisy radio that morning, my mind was too occupied to give it a second thought, I just waved it off with the notion that our policy makers wont be that naïve, especially in an era when everything is going digital and businesses were been run through electronic transfers and credit cards even in grocery stores in countries that have since woken up from their slumber. I didn’t give that announcement a second thought because I felt by now the central bank would have realized that it is useless to print currencies that does not have much relevance in the foreign exchange market, especially when such currency is non recyclable should it suffer from wear and tear. But right now, It was a the most appropriate topic to analyze since Jide, who had a very funny way of telling his stories, to my much needed comic relief, was around. At this point, Jide had ordered for a second round of beer which I turned down and opted for malt drink to neutralize the effect of the one I had already taken since I was not too big on alcohol. He frowned and said “o boy drink o! na the one we put for belle be our own o! These people don spoil this country finish!” He concluded with a belch as the waitress placed the second round of drinks on the table. He carefully put the first bottle which was now empty under the table with a mischievous grin in his eyes. “O boy na so guy man dey drink o! When you down one, you go put am under table so that people no go dey reason say u dey talk under the influence of alcohol. Number two be say you go take am crosscheck your bill incase these wayo people wan cheat you sake of say them think say u don drink leave your brain inside one of the empty bottles” He said with a dry laugh that never ceases to amuse me. “Ehen!, as I was saying, I hear am for inside bus today. One man say these big big oga them for government wan use am take thief country people money for pocket. Me I agree with am. But the one wey vex me pass come be when another passenger say them wan change fifty naira and twenty naira to coins.I halla the man no be small. how e go dey wish hussle man bad luck? How man go take carry coins wey dey heavy like olumo rock for pocket?” “But before I tell the man my mind finish, another woman come say Na true say she hear am too” At this point he was now getting excited! He paused and took a sip from his glass and gave me a mischievous grin. “Anyway, me and my oga don discuss am say we sef go increase our fare to minimum of two hundred naira wey be note. Who no like better thing? Cunny man die, cunny man bury am. He took another sip and looked at me. Tony, dis one wey you no wan drink Na wa o!” I told him I was ok. And he continued, “Anyway I know say u no dey drink much. Make I down this one make I go meet my oga weda we go fit run for road small before man go sleep. I was somehow happy he was rounding up as I was beginning to get hungry. He paid for the drinks and we stood up to leave. As we stepped out into the street he shook my hand to say goodbye and I felt a note in the hand shake and knew it was money.Jide always did that and I always looked forward to the day I will have the chance to reciprocate. One thing that never ceases to amuse me is how he used to pass me the money with a handshake. He once told me he learnt it from the police. “Na so we dey take give them cola” he had said. I thanked him and wished him luck on the road. As I walked a few metres away, I checked my hand and it was a five hundred naira note. I jumped for joy and headed straight to a low cost restaurant not too far away from my house for a plate of rice and beans decorated with kpomo, a softened form of (almost no protein) half cooked beef hide that never found its way to the cooking pot in the past, but has now turned essential commodity in a most benevolent attempt to supplement the ordinary citizen’s limited access to real beef. It was now getting late and my body was longing for rest.....To be continued