The rumors about Buhari marrying a new wife put a lot of concerned Nigerians in shock. Their opinions were clouded with the current deteriorating state of the country but I was less concerned. As a matter of truth, I was more concerned about who the soon-to-be wife of our President was and how I could get into that wedding to have a taste of luxury. I would not say I am comfortable with the way things but notwithstanding so many of us have learnt how to survive amidst all the tribulations. Moreover, I am a writer so you should understand that I live for these type of stories.

Anyways, I took it upon myself to do a background check about who the soon-to-be wife of our dear President is. At least, I needed to have some information about the couples so I do not mess up when randomly called upon to talk about them (you and I know this might not happen in such a gathering). Few minutes into my research, I kept stumbling upon several tweets speculating that Mrs. Sadia Umar Farouq, the current Minister for Humanitarian Affairs and Disaster Management is the bride.

IS THIS OUR WIFE?

The speculations, however, led me to the conclusion that Sadia is Mr President’s incoming bride. I needed not to do any further research about Mr President as I had seen enough of him in the last 5 years. In view of all this, I woke up as early as possible to prepare myself for the grand in-house wedding and also invited a few friends as I had several invites to go round.

DON’T ASK ME HOW I GOT THE INVITE.

My gang and I were all set, stacked up in our fully fitted double-breasted Tuxedos and well-polished shiny black shoes to complement. We had the intention to treck as a sign of honour to Mr President but we realized we might not get there in time for the wedding.

ALL IN DRESSED IN DOLCE AND GABBANA

Upon our arrival, we observed that all eyes were on us and weird glances were channelled at our outfits. At that moment, we realized our outfit had taken the spotlight. But I need to ask, it is not weird that we were the only ones putting on English outfit while others paraded in matching native attires? Moving on, we walked down the aisle majestically like we owned the event thinking if other politicians could enter without an invite, so could we. Upon getting to the main entrance leading into the auditorium, we were stopped by the security officials. We protested that we had our invites with us but it fell onto deaf ears. As they continued to pass other people in without invites, one of them informed us that ‘Invites were not shared for the wedding, outfit was strictly given out to only invited guests’ and so he asked us to stop lurking around before they lock us up.

‘GO TO YOUR HOUSES, YOU WERE NOT INVITED’.

This information made our pride and ego fall like naira to dollar and for a moment while reminiscing on why people were staring at our outfits in a weird manner, it clicked immediately that we were actually ‘weirdly dressed’. But we weren’t going to give up considering how far we came. And so we sought out a plan to get in no more what it would cost. The only feasible way to get in was to jump through the fence.

MISSION MUSTPOSSBILE.

Finally, we found our way in although one of our crew members was caught by one of the security officials. But we took it as he was used as a sacrificial lamb and so we promised ourselves to make the most of the party to honour the lost hero. We got seated and observed the couples were already present. The host announced the groom, Mr President to stand up along with his bestman, ex-President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.

‘I arrived a little late because my shoe went missing so I had to walk down here barefooted’, ex-President narrated as he gave his best man speech.

Meanwhile, the bride was spotted somewhere at the vending point doing what she knows how to do best, conducting humanitarian affairs and managing disaster. The host invited her over and asked to hand over the coordination of the food affairs to someone else.

After a few minutes, the wedding programme ended and it was time to eat and merry. As you’d have expected, a serve-yourself buffet was presented before and at this point, I knew we might get ourselves into trouble. At first we acted normal and ate moderately like every other person did but later we realized the little we had was not enough fill the tanks we came along with. After so many deliberations to maintain our insanity so as not to get caught, I went down to take a larger portion as I could not resist the sight of the amala. Even the food vendors put in place to monitor the food were shocked when they saw the portion I carried.

LOCAL MAN WAS SHOCKED!

The rest of my team built confidence when they saw what I had done and they all ganged up to also serve themselves in large portions. The amount of food assembled on our table made it look like a gathering of famous rocks assembled in one location. It was a matter of time before our table caught everyone’s attention and security operatives were informed to throw us out.

Currently, we are stranded in Abuja and so we are pleading to whoever is heading to Lagos to give us a lift. Please share with others too, someone might be headed for Lagos.

Just for laughs oooo, biko don’t let them come and carry me oooo.