Sick and tired of the way the society covers up the plight of the battered wife wit the belief that she must have been at fault hence the beatings. Please, if anyone has any legal steps a battered woman can take that works in Nigeria, i'll love to hear it cos believe me, u will be saving more than one life out there, including mine. I want to believe the solution to this is out there and ignorance a major hindrance to achieving this. Thank you

1. Find out the reasons for her being battered and proceed from there.

Most marriages are salvageable even with this problem. It is left for the woman to stay or leave.
But, she MUST put a stop to the battering and command respect from her husband.
She has the key and she can do it. Unless she does not wish to.
Most men can be cured out of that bad habit.
It is up to the woman.

2. It is NOT a legal problem but a social problem which does not require the services of a lawyer.

Blazay:

1. Find out the reasons for her being battered and proceed from there.

Most marriages are salvageable even with this problem. It is left for the woman to stay or leave.
But, she MUST put a stop to the battering and command respect from her husband.
She has the key and she can do it. Unless she does not wish to.
Most men can be cured out of that bad habit.
It is up to the woman.

2. It is NOT a legal problem but a social problem which does not require the services of a lawyer.

really - i always though it was also a mental problem on the part of the man. PLEASE THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO HIT UR WIFE, so she should not find out the reasons for the beatings - why can't some people see that the culture that allows a woman to be blamed also gives men that confidence to beat up their wives knowing they will be no consequences.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1275&itemTitle=What+is+the+cause+of+domestic+violence

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

please read up on domestic violence b4 trying to put the blame on the woman - i am so fed up with it.

I still maintain that no matter the circumstance, a woman should never be hit by her spouse. I also refuse to believe it's just a social problem with no legal implications. Any lawyer in d house? I am aware the whites ensure a police report is made as well as a doctor's report and i know in some cases, the offenders are thrown into jail. I just want to know what is obtainable in Nigeria

ada24:

really - i always though it was also a mental problem on the part of the man. PLEASE THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO HIT your WIFE, so she should not find out the reasons for the beatings - why can't some people see that the culture that allows a woman to be blamed also gives men that confidence to beat up their wives knowing they will be no consequences.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1275&itemTitle=What+is+the+cause+of+domestic+violence

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041§ionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

please read up on domestic violence b4 trying to put the blame on the woman - i am so fed up with it.

I did not put the blame on the woman. I only stated she should find out why. A mental problem should be addressed. There can be domestic abuse without pychoses as we find in African men with cultural and religious norms where it is ok to hit their wives. The reason I said women should find out why then go from there. Please, learn to interprete what you read.

But come to think of it, most of the women who complain the loudest are to blame for sure. The reason being that MOST of you were battered girlfriends before you became batttered wives. Expecting things to change after desperately chanting "I do" or allowing yourselves to get knocked up by a serial domestic abuser whose father did the same things to his mothers and her co-wives.

You marry drunks and drug-addicts then turn around and complain the men in your lives are abusive. Can't have it both ways.

peacettw:

I still maintain that no matter the circumstance, a woman should never be hit by her spouse. I also refuse to believe it's just a social problem with no legal implications. Any lawyer in d house? I am aware the whites ensure a police report is made as well as a doctor's report and i know in some cases, the offenders are thrown into jail. I just want to know what is obtainable in Nigeria

I agree. But my question is how did the woman end up as a punching bag?
Of course in marriage, domestic abuse REMAINS a social problem in my opinion because,
you are better off dealing with domestic abuse as a social problem as opposed to a legal problem.
YOU ARE MARRIED and not strangers on the streets.

Unless you want to end your marriage.
Try everything else from therapy to counselling before you involve the police.
If you want to live like a "white" woman, be prepared to go all the way.
Join the statistics and be a divorced single parent.


I am not a lawyer but the matter is simple.
You do not need a lawyer.
If you want to sue your husband for assualt and battery, why not go all the way like a 'white' woman?
Why do you need a lawyer if not for a divorce?

Do you think you can get a lawyer to stop spousal abuse?
You will have to pay for the lawyer's services and your bank account may just dry up throwing money away.
Just save yourself the stress and get rid of the abuser by leaving the marriage.
Case closed.

Blazay:

I agree. But my question is how did the woman end up as a punching bag?
Of course in marriage, domestic abuse REMAINS a social problem in my opinion because,
you better off dealing with domestic abuse as a social problem as opposed to a legal problem.
YOU ARE MARRIED and not strangers on the streets.

Unless you want to end your marriage.
Try everything else from therapy to counselling before you involve the police.
If you want to live like a "white" woman, be prepared to go all the way.
Join the statistics and be a divorced single parent.


I am not a lawyer but the matter is simple.
You do not need a lawyer.
If you want to sue your husband for assualt and battery, why not go all the way like a 'white' woman?
Why do you need a lawyer if not for a divorce?

Do you think you can get a lawyer to stop spousal abuse?
You will have to pay for the lawyer's services and your bank account may just dry up throwing money away.
Just save yourself the stress and get rid of the abuser by leaving the marriage.
Case closed.

so its better for your children to grow up thinking its ok for daddy to hit mummy instead of being a single parent, men who hit women are the ones with the problem and not the woman - does the man beat up his boss when the boss does something he doesn't like - or even disgraces him in the office - i doubt, the woman has no reason to look for the reason for her abuse - or don't u know what abuse means - its like a child should go and look for the reason she was despoiled.

can't u get that this cultural norm u talk of is wrong - if u like call us "white" women but beating up your wife is wrong and illegal - i mean anyone else outside the home could have u arrested for assult.

even the women u say that shout the loudest do not wake up raining abuses at the man - most men know what will drive their wives to anger but they don't care cos culture dictate that a woman endures all!!!!

i have had a little experience of working with women who are victims and most times u will find that the woman has not done anything instead the men are the ones who look for "weak" women. THE VICTIM IS NEVER TO BLAME

^^my dear, u've hit the nail on the head. All i am interested now is what can these victims do in our environment as a measure to keep the man from repeating his actions that doesn't necessarily entail a divorce.

peacettw:

^^my dear, u've hit the nail on the head. All i am interested now is what can these victims do in our environment as a measure to keep the man from repeating his actions that doesn't necessarily entail a divorce.

from the little i know about Nigeria - either she goes all the way or just tolerate the behaviour - unfortunately some of our men back home really need the second coming of Christ to realise that they are wrong. trust me if she goes down the legal route both families will make the woman's life a living hell. either she leaves the home for a while (for her own safety) or put up with it or get someone to come and stay with her cos most of these wife beaters like to hide the abuse and outside are the nicest men u will ever meet.

ada24:

so its better for your children to grow up thinking its ok for daddy to hit mummy instead of being a single parent, men who hit women are the ones with the problem and not the woman - does the man beat up his boss when the boss does something he doesn't like - or even disgraces him in the office - i doubt, the woman has no reason to look for the reason for her abuse - or don't u know what abuse means - its like a child should go and look for the reason she was despoiled.

You are not paying attention. Where did I imply all these?

can't u get that this cultural norm u talk of is wrong - if u like call us "white" women but beating up your wife is wrong and illegal - i mean anyone else outside the home could have u arrested for assult.
even the women u say that shout the loudest do not wake up raining abuses at the man - most men know what will drive their wives to anger but they don't care cos culture dictate that a woman endures all!!!!

I understand all this, and I am not saying the woman should stay if she has no other alternative. Instead of shouting divorce, police, victim and all that, why don't you suggest counselling psychological evaluation for the man to find out if he is "sick"? The woman married him for a reason right? Without losing her life, is it possible that the man might change? Is all hope lost? Is divorce the only answer. I have seen many marriages survive domestic violence so I believe it can be stopped. If the man does not want to get help, then that is a different matter. So what alternatives are you willing to suggest, if you think for a minute, besides ending the marriage?

i have had a little experience of working with women who are victims and most times u will find that the woman has not done anything instead the men are the ones who look for "weak" women. THE VICTIM IS NEVER TO BLAME

Yes, the victim is never to blame. But we are talking about solutions here. What do you suggest?
Your "little" experience might not qualify you as a psychotherapist.

ada24:

from the little i know about Nigeria - either she goes all the way or just tolerate the behaviour - unfortunately some of our men back home really need the second coming of Christ to realise that they are wrong. trust me if she goes down the legal route both families will make the woman's life a living hell. either she leaves the home for a while (for her own safety) or put up with it or get someone to come and stay with her cos most of these wife beaters like to hide the abuse and outside are the nicest men u will ever meet.

If you are not a Nigerian, then I can understand your perspective. Not everything in Africa has to end in divorce and court cases like Western countries. We have family intervention and other remedial avenues. You are really immature in your responses. It is either she goes all the way or just tolerate the behaviour you stated? I hope you are not a counsellor or a social-worker.

Do you believe in the power of appropriate verbal and non-communication?
If you have children, you can easily solve a man's problems.
Children are more difficult to deal with.

What kind of a woman will stay with an abuser and hide the abuse, when her life is in obvious danger?
Why get married if you cannot communicate and channel negative energies of those around you? At least try?

Blazay:

If you are not a Nigerian, then I can understand your perspective. Not everything in Africa has to end in divorce and court cases like Western countries. We have family intervention and other remedial avenues. You are really immature in your responses. It is either she goes all the way or just tolerate the behaviour you stated? I hope you are not a counsellor or a social-worker.

Do you believe in the power of appropriate verbal and non-communication?
If you have children, you can easily solve a man's problems.
Children are more difficult to deal with.

What kind of a woman will stay with an abuser and hide the abuse, when her life is in obvious danger?
Why get married if you cannot communicate and channel negative energies of those around you? At least try?

ok, lets agree to disagree.

and lets assume that all men that beat up their wives are open to communication and family intervention. cos all men are like this right - all men that beat their wives are angels who are driven to madness by these crazy women.

peacettw:

^^my dear, u've hit the nail on the head. All i am interested now is what can these victims do in our environment as a measure to keep the man from repeating his actions that doesn't necessarily entail a divorce.

Keep reading from her and those women will surely end up divorced for the wrong reasons, not domestic violence or spousal battery.

Now you live in 'our environment' and you do not know how to solve simple domestic disputes in the year 2011 almost?
Do you live in a cave or in some isolated village with internet services?

Most women I know in Nigeria would be calling on their parents and family members of whom the husband went to pay her dowry to.
I believe you had a customary marriage too? If indeed you are or you are not the person who seeks for help here(totally irrelevant).
Did you abscond with this man without proper marriage rites of passage?

I don't believe MOST educated women in modern day Nigeria will tolerate domestic abuse from their spouses without packing out of the house FIRST.
The man can only come back to ask for her after dealing with her kinsmen or getting the beating of his life(if you are one of my sisters for sure).
Either way, the lady hides such at her own detriment and peril.

What exactly is YOUR story? Are you in a 'runaway' common-law marriage and you have absolutely NO support systems?

I know many uneducated women in Nigeria living in the villages and they will not put up with domestic abuse from their husbands no matter how illiterate.
Before you start looking for a lawyer without looking for a divorce, you need to get with your family members and report the situation.
It is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you have a father like mine, that will be the first and the last time any ears will hear such a thing concerning ANY of his daughters, since his sons do not hit their wives.

Search yourself and see what you are carrying sister.
Your stories do not make sense.

ada24:

ok, lets agree to disagree.

and lets assume that all men that beat up their wives are open to communication and family intervention. cos all men are like this right - all men that beat their wives are angels who are driven to madness by these crazy women.

You truly are struck with 'tunnel vision' aren't you?
I ask you again, what do you suggest the women in such positions do to avoid divorces IF the marriages are salvageable?
Is it all marriages with domestic abusers that end up as failed marriages?
Instead of making matters worse, what are your solutions?
Is domestic violence and spousal abuse unforgivable/unsalvageable?

Some men do not know how to communicate except with their fists.
How can a woman change him?

I had an uncle who did the same thing day in and day out to his wife of 10 years.
She never complained but we all saw what was going on.
One day the man stopped beating his wife and we all wondered why they turned out to be such a happy couple after all.
When the woman was asked, she told everyone that she had to teach him so that her sons would make better husbands in the future.

Now, tell me if you would have advised this woman to leave her matrimonial home?

When asked what she did to make him stop, he admitted she threatened to kill herself(she did not mean it of course).
But the man never touched her from that day on. He realized he could not lose her and that he really loved this woman.


Moral of the story? Every man has several buttons to push. Find the one that works if you want to remain married.
The grass is NEVER greener on the outside. Always a mirage.
The next one will be even worse and is single for a reason(someone got rid of him too).

I have had enough of this topic.
Take care.

@Poster,first find out if couple are legally married,married at all or just living together.
I believe most of the work lies with the woman.We need to do away with the orientation that we must keep our man by force or fire.when a man goes crazy to the extent of battering his wife,pls the wife shld aside fasting and praying for change,wake up and save herself by seeking help outside.
Sometimes however,it does not have to be divorce,seperation have worked for some.

This is actually a great idea. Maybe a thread should be made in the family forum and then "STICKY-ED". Just showing the exact steps a woman can take to even leave the man including legally getting financial help with raising the kids also if the man will not do so willingly. A step by step guide. Maybe even the names and office addresses of lawyers that can take on their cases in court. I think that would be valuable information. I will ask my cousin for some info. She is a lawyer and has helped a friend who was being beaten up by a man that had never worked since the day they married and after beating her and making her taste her blood he told her to pack out of "HIS" house. The house that he moved into when he married her. Chai. Legally the man had no case and he soon realized that with a lawyer behind his wife he had no choice but to do what was right.
Any lawyers in the house can actually be of help here.

Outstrip:

This is actually a great idea. Maybe a thread should be made in the family forum and then "STICKY-ED". Just showing the exact steps a woman can take to even leave the man including legally getting financial help with raising the kids also if the man will not do so willingly. A step by step guide. Maybe even the names and office addresses of lawyers that can take on their cases in court. I think that would be valuable information. I will ask my cousin for some info. She is a lawyer and has helped a friend who was being beaten up by a man that had never worked since the day they married and after beating her and making her taste her blood he told her to pack out of "HIS" house. The house that he moved into when he married her. Chai. Legally the man had no case and he soon realized that with a lawyer behind his wife he had no choice but to do what was right.
Any lawyers in the house can actually be of help here.

thank you my sister, these are the kind of responses that are needed.

men who beat up their partners are the ones that really need to be doing the prayers and fasting. some men will carry bible all weekend, attend night vigil, have pastors on speed dial, attend church services and then come home and beat the wife.

Outstrip:

This is actually a great idea. Maybe a thread should be made in the family forum and then "STICKY-ED". Just showing the exact steps a woman can take to even leave the man including legally getting financial help with raising the kids also if the man will not do so willingly. A step by step guide. Maybe even the names and office addresses of lawyers that can take on their cases in court. I think that would be valuable information. I will ask my cousin for some info. She is a lawyer and has helped a friend who was being beaten up by a man that had never worked since the day they married and after beating her and making her taste her blood he told her to pack out of "HIS" house. The house that he moved into when he married her. Chai. Legally the man had no case and he soon realized that with a lawyer behind his wife he had no choice but to do what was right.
Any lawyers in the house can actually be of help here.

My dear, tnk u. I was beginning to lose hope that there's no solution to this except the age old method of informing relatives, Will wait for ur ans from the lawyer. Thanks again

It is very difficult in Nigeria. Reporting a case to the police is not going to secure you anything. In this case the one with more influence and money goes out the winner. As a woman you can take a case to the police and if care is not taken the police will ridicule you. The only reason they are picking up the man is to make some money.
I recollect once I had my ex was real mad, he stopped the care to hit me, in this residential area. I got out of the care and started running away, yelled at these two police men to get me back. The ran after me and dragged me on the ground back. My husband kept punching and kicking me with his boots. It was am old guard who came and saved me. He put himself in front of me and asked my husband to kill him, he was an old man. That was when my husband drove away. Leaving me in front of a crowd without shoes . The police knew I was his wife but they didn`t care.
You also have to remember that most battered wife's are not financially independent. The cannot afford a lawyer . Justice is money.
That is why I see the real solution in organisations, to speak up for these women and protect them.
Blazay educated women too are affected, I think you are maybe not very informed on this topic.
And why should a woman fleeing not seek for a divorce
and does every woman have the chance to flee out of the country.
And my final question. D you think women are asses. Which woman would not do all she can to avoid such marriages.
The greatest enemy such women have are not the violent husbands but the society that tolerates it. That puts the blame on the woman.
After all I went through with my ex, as soon as I left a few of my friends went back to him , telling him things like they had advised me to stay and be patient. Some went as far as speaking bad about me. All they wanted was favours and connections.
Years later I still do not have the answer to the question why?. THe funny thing is neither does he. He does not even want to speak about it, claims that it was the work of the good old devil.

Na wa. I feel powerless to help.

Wow. Just crazy. I cannot even speak. The sad part is that the excuse we keep hearing is that the woman might not have the money. Why can't the man be made to pay for the lawyers fees. I think we should have matured past the age of "well there is nothing that can be done" in Nigeria. Lawyers need to be educated and not just the victims. It seems to me that the average lawyer in Nigeria is just simply interested in bearing the name Barrister. Nigeria is just so out of touch with reality. Imagine policemen standing by while a man kicks his wife. E no go ever better for them. I am so pissed right now. I will never give up my fight for justice for Nigerian women even the ones that do not want to help themselves because of the backlash. I cannot even begin to mention the cases of abuse I have heard from Nigerian women. In the US a man that commits such an abuse will even be given a psychiatric evaluation because people just see something so brutal and a sociopathic or psychopathic thing. In Nigeria they just say he "beat his wife". Like damn. This is a national shame.

See what happens when a man tries to help find solutions to problems?
You girls do not hear word.
If you were my wives, I would have battered all of you for stubbornes in dealing with thiis topic.
All you women on this thread need to be flogged.

I now see why some of you are battered.
Discussing with you made me start drinking again.
Thank God I am not married to any of you.

the solution is very easy, the woman shuld learn karate and practice it on her husband. if thats too much for her she shuld grab his private part and chew it, he will never in his life time batter his wife again. my aunt tried this affter years of abuse and u wont believe till date he never touched her again. according to my aunt, she said that was d day she got her deliverance. so naija women wakey wakeyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lol

she can poison him, its no biggie, add it to his food, make sure she does it in little doses, then he drops dead, she just has to find poison that is non detectable in the blood,

NubianQ Animashaun: If you poison me, I go revenge ooooooo

The answer is to just leave the guy. There's no other solution to the problem. Just leave and run far, far away and don't look back. Go to another city if necessary, or back to your parents' house.