December 29, 2019

TO DIE IS GAIN

TO DIE IS GAIN
I woke up, on Monday morning. Just like every Monday morning where I would kiss Kachi ‘good morning’ if we slept in peace the night before. Then get Kaima and Kosi, my twin girls ready for school. they came despite my hatred for children and heavy usage of birth control pills and sometimes I feel they were my karma, seeing how much heartache I caused my mother.

Then I would scream at the house help who was so stupid that she couldn’t get a simple act done right. I hated seeing her at close range as the eczema that lived on her face frightened me, and I had warned her on several occasions to stop touching my girls except it was totally necessary. And the day I saw a tiny acne of Kosi’s face, I screamed down hell fire. But my husband Kachi said I was exaggerating and that he was getting tired of my drama, and when he tried to touch me later that night, I told him I was tired of him not taking my side, even when I’m wrong. Kachi had got upset and had slept in the visitor’s room, after our voices had gone high and I had threatened to kill him and drown his girls. I did not care.

I did not care about plenty things. Just the same way I had sent Kachi’s mother out of my house, after she accused me of tying her son in a shrine. Kachi was not around when this happened and he had believed my own side of the story. I did not care that I had put a tear in the mother and son relationship that existed.

I also did not care when Kachi found out that I tried aborting the pregnancy. And when he asked for an explanation, I picked offense, telling him it was my life and that if he wanted kids, he should get pregnant himself. And when I had screamed at Kaima that I didn’t even want her in my life, Kachi had stared at me like I was a total stranger. And as usual, I did not care.


And this particular Monday, I kissed Kachi good morning. I was happy. After all, we made amazing love the night before. But he was cold. And he didn’t move. Kachi was dead. Right beside me. And in that split second, I realized I care.

And as I sat on the cold untiled prison floor, I wished I had smiled more often. I wished I had kissed him more often. I wish I had not forgotten his birthday or our anniversary and I wish everybody believed me when I said I had no hand in his death, but even my girls testified against me. I did not blame them. They had heard me threaten to kill him more times than I told him I loved him. And I wished I had opened up and gotten help..

And as they blindfolded me, after tying me to the stake, I feared the afterlife. I feared that I would see Kachi, and what if I really did kill him. I feared I would see my mother. I wonder what she thought of me. But what I feared the most was seeing my father, and I feared he would rape me all over again, as he had done for nine years. And then, I felt the bullet pierce my heart. And everywhere grew still.

Onyechere Chidubem Lucky.
Blog @ www.africanahh..com

Disheartening