COVID - REALITY SHOW
From a Twisted Perspective.


".....Corona Virus should kill us now what are we living for? "

I turned back a bit to get a view at the conveyor of that statement amongst the passengers behind me in the bus. The speaker was a middle aged man, scrawny, with a tired bony look. I observed him for a second or two, then turned away.

That was the moment COVID-19 warmed up and added itself to my reality.

COVID - REALITY SHOW

My reality is different from yours. Rephrasing, few humans can relate to my wierd outwardly view of things. I've been told countlessly i have a bleeped up mind, reason being i tend to relate with openly disturbing aspects of wierd stuffs. My list of possible outcomes to every scenario are always 99% pessimistic. The 1% optimistic outcome is an against all odds kind of probability to me.

Throw more light?

I get in public vehicles wondering which of the fucking passenger is destined to die in an accident today and how I'm going to be the only survivor because I'm in the same vehicle with the person.

A random girl smiles too wide, i smile back thinking how would she smile with a 9 inch **** in her asshole.

"New neighbours gets robbed",
Me, "They forgot to roger the real landlords, stupid p***ks"

Teenage Slay Queen posts raunchy photo on social media.
Me, "post again at 35 my dear, 35".

Walking home late at night, thinking if my dear phone is going on permanent vacation this night.

I've perfected 3 ways to efficiently sell and distribute drugs in my street, that's one upcoming project.

I see reasons why people do nasty stuff, but I'm definitely not in support of what they do, yet.

Point taken? Okay.

Story is mainly a liesure read dealing real life events.

Pardon typogrphical errors.

Author is entitled to his/her own views and perspectives.

So also are the readers.

Comments are welcome.

Story is 10% fiction 80% real occurrences 10% literary editing.

Have fun perusing my twisted mind.

At that moment COVID -19 chose to sign up as a player in my twisted team of a mind. I was i dire need of super-sub. It was a game changer. It came with a sense of finality to every possible wierd view i could fanthom. Right there in that vehicle, i did contemplate what the middle aged man said, and my thoughts made all the zombie movies I've ever seen, seem like a cartoon for kids.

While fellow passengers were bashing the guy for saying such, i started smiling. They all don't want to die. No one really wants to die, that's normal for all humans. I realize they were not bashing the guy for saying COVID -19 should kill them, but for saying COVID-19 could kill us all.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE TOLD THEY ARE GOING TO DIE.

The irony.

In essence they were bashing the guy, saying, "We all know we will die someday but STFU DON'T TELL US! "

My smile turned into a big grin. I turned around again to glimpse at the guy; he was pointing at a lady shouting on top of his voice, "you no want die but you wan go heaven, just dey mumu yourself there! ". I couldnt help thinking, 2face would literally do well as an endtime preacher right now. That statement infuriated others more, i heard rants of " you, go die na, abi you too no wan go heaven". I realized humans can take being told they will die, but

NO ONE WANTS TO BE TOLD HOW THEY ARE GOING TO DIE.

COVID-19 was a brutal assassin in gangstar movies who explains in details to his victim how he's going to kill them, then proceeds to kill them in a previously detailed procedure.
10 minutes later, i alighted at my stop, payed my fare and got home.
That was on the 20th March, 2020. There was no recorded case of Corona Virus in my City, yet.



From that day onwards my newly signed player was put on the field. My mind worked its magic.

FEAR

Fear is slightly different in my reality. I normally perceive fear when someone steps on my foot and i brainstorm 30 quick ways to thrust my elbow directly on his throat and make him choke. I usually accept the sincere and fear filled 'sorry' i get after the offender notices the devilish tinge in my eyes as i stare at him for 3 secs. That's my daily dose of fear. To say the truth i enjoy making random people afraid, even if its for a split second. The fact that they go all jelly livered amuses me. If they do wet their pants on the way home too, all the merrier. With COVID-19 fear took a whole new dimension.
First sign was when the bravest human i know refused to shake my hands. The world as i knew it ended at the moment. Fear. Everyone was now a potential carrier of a virus that has no recorded case in my City.

For the first 2 days after 20th March, i had mad fun forcing my hanshake on people i stopped to say 'Hello' to. The Matrix guy couldn't dodge a handshake better than these people.

Then COVID hit a cord. Bodily Contact.

Motels/Brotels

These dignified fellows of the one of the oldest profession, aka *Ashi* live for bodily contact. They earn through contact of bodies, (the 's' is long). How else are they going to make money?. No more short time, or over night, or 2 secs, etc. No more weekend runs. They'll definitely go broke in no time.

The price tag definitely going to drop. Hell it might get to a PAY FOR ONE GET TWO free scenario, because pot bellied married men are home now, no more late night board meetings.

COVID FEAR.

What about the regular customers the bus drivers, union touts, truck pushers, etc they have no main stay girlfriends they live for the brotels. Now no way. The gravity. Some will risk it though. 'Coro no dey catch african man'. The power of the a man's smaller brain.

"Coro Burst Pussy Rest" in Erigga's Voice.

I forsee a riot. I won't blame them.

(My neighbour has his generator on for the 6 hours, there's NEPA light but I'll allow him burn the fuel till it ends).

To some ancient practitioners that can't live without sex, i recommend adding Vaseline and Cucumber to your shopping list. You need it, so does your wife.

In reverse This could go well for them and also for side chicks.

Side Chicks

Imagine a text like this.

"Tell her you're going to buy hand sanitizer and drive over to my place, be quick baby let me sanitize you, winks". I'll leave the rest to your vivid imagination.

Jobs

23th March, the Government of my city said STAY AT HOME. Major road blocks, forced closing of markets etc. The jobless and the employed are one. Where the difference shows is in the expression on their faces. The employed are scared they may lose their jobs, the unemployed are hopeful. Well if this continues 80% of jobs won't exist. Gone, forgotten.

Shell workers gradually develops heart felt respect for the fish seller, calls her Ma and stores her number on phone as Madam Grace Fish.


Religion

Worst hit by the COVID FEAR. END OF THE WORLD. Doomsday predictions. Walking the street at 9pm on the 24th, i noticed 6 households holding night prayers, it was as if they agreed on set time.
It follows, our sins are much and this is just one retribution fallen upon us. The faithful will still gather on Sundays and worship. I felt it too.

Repent! but buy your hand sanitizer here at the religious gathering gate before you go out.

Anyone got the online tithe account number?
Share here please.

So social distancing started and religious gatherings got scanty. Some are waiting for the Pandemic to stop so they can heal the sick and raise the dead.

Oh well, at this moment I don't think i can be saved anymore, by the existing religious standards. If that be the case I wish to attend a random religious gathering and french hug everyone present starting from the religious leader. I'll try that next Sunday.

Super fun right. Or not.

Top 1% theory.

So here goes my 1% theory.

25th brought more COVID fear, in twisted ways. I woke up to a text from my product supplier telling me to tell clients to payup because the clients might be using his money to stock up foodstuffs while he can't. This made me count how many cups of rice and beans i have left. It wasn't funny. My own money was tied down in that payment too. Then COVID reminded me it hasn't affected me yet. It has been kind of targeting the 1%.

The 1% that went to Dubai recently. And Italy and Spain.

I'm not among the 1%, are you? You can't meet the 1% on a regular basis. Their strip clubs are not your beer parlours. From the presidential candidates son to the celebrities wife, there's 0% chance you'll meet them in your lifetime. Okay some people will.

The A list of infected continues. A governor is affected too. They all have been eating our money let them all die, except Talker he is a comedian. Then the news Presidents hench man is infected. Well let that one die painfully, and his cohorts.

The no 1 man might be infected also. Obituaries have been edited in anticipation as far as it was the 1%. It's easier to meet the Mayor of Los Angeles in a Shopping Mall twice a month, than to meet your Local Government Chairman in a lifetime. So there the 1% in my country is way apart from the 99%. No transfer of COVID -19 to the poor citizens. If they die, they die. Z
For once i was kind of glad not to be among the 1%.

Then the next phase began.

PANIC

Still on the 25th, my beloved 'garri' increased its price. I was heartbroken. Garri was not the 1% food. They eat Semovita. Garri is my food. Garri why?. I bought it with a heavy heart, it was if i caught my girlfriend cheating right in that shop. The owner of the shop became the Antichrist in my eyes. I was seeing 666 all over her face. Ugly mtf.

Foodstuff prices shot up. A lady bought 5 basins of garri at once. I wondered where she wanted to stuff it as she was a beautiful elephant. I love them large, doesn't apply to when they want to eat all the food in the world and leave us with nothing . Salt suddenly became precious in my eyes. People underrate it, until it becomes scarce. People would kill for salt then.

Panic develops from fear. Even common "sachet water" increased its price. How? Did God increase price for water? I wished all price hikers to develop constipation during this period, painful constipation. That being said i got home prepared dinner and relaxed and opened nairaland and twitter. Then i saw the extent of the COVID Panic. Sanitizers being sold out, face mask non existent, toilet paper too.

Funny how the world is going bunkers and all people care about s eating, and TAKING A SHIT!. YES, taking a dump is number 3 on their list of things. Don't you see their stay at home vids with the toilet paper. Eat, take a dump, eat again, take dump, take more dumps. So in essence you need more toilet paper. It's understandable.

For those who can't afford toilet paper, or can't see where to get one feel free to use your hands.

The COVID Chronicles continues.

26th March 2020

I ran out of drinkable water. My version of drinkable water is 'sachet water', not bottled water. I normally get about 4-7 bags at 100 naira each. It serves me close to a month. (I live alone and i consume water more than food). My stock didn't run out because of COVID, no, it ran out because i didn't restock on time. So i leisurely waited for those suppliers to pass by. They did, and i stopped them,
"Give me 5 bags, help me carry the other ones for me".

I carried 2 bags of sachet water and the guy carried the others. I couldn't help looking back to see how he was able to carry 3 bags at the same time. This guy had mad skills, or maybe a third hand. Anyways he did carry them for me, and i gave him #500 naira. I turned to go in, when he said,
"Bros your money never complete".

I turned back again, "How? How much i give you?".

"500 naira, e remain 150".

" Since when? Abi una company dey buy
water from ground?".

"Bros na so we dey sell now. "

I told him to carry his water back, that i am not buying. The guy said ok, but i should carry the one i carried before by myself. On after thought i gave him extra #150 naira with a promise to start buying another brand of sachet water. One bag of water 150? From company o, not from a shop.

NOW I UNDERSTOOD WHY THAT GUY IN THAT PUBLIC VEHICLE SAID WHAT HE SAID.

First price of Garri went up, now sachet water. Next up is Bread. The food of the common man is being threatened. This is the real COVID 19. They want to kill themselves not me.


That same day. News filtered in that Commercial Vehicles are to limit the passengers they carry.

Maximum of 2 for Keke Napep
Maximum of 4 for Taxis
Maximum of 8 for 12 seated buses


That same day, I was cramped between two hefty dudes at the back seat of a Keke. We were 4 passengers inside. I couldn't help thinking , this law won't work. I paid my fare. Same thing happened on my way back. I also payed my fare and received change. I was almost home when i got a call that made me retrace my steps. On getting to the junction i saw the same keke driver that carried me in the morning, and he carried me again. Something struck me, and i had to ask him; "Guy no vex o, since morning how many times you don run this road? ".
He laughed saying " Baba this one go make am 8 times".
"Going and coming?" I asked again
"No going and coming na 1 time, na so we dey count am".
That means he had made 16 runs on that road, since 8:30am and it was 2pm at that moment. It slowly dawned on me.

Money.

Everybody that entered a commercial vehicle that day exchanged money. I counted how many taxi fares I've payed so far that day, and the fare change i received. With my hands!. And i never had an inkling of transfer of COVID because " i didn't shake anybody".

Commercial drivers/conductors exchange money with at least 200 - 1000 people everyday. Now you may wear gloves, but definitely not everyone will wear gloves. And you can't force everyone to stay at home.


I couldn't help thinking, if this COVID thing enters this City, it will spread like wildfire. Once the hospitals and health centers get congested, which is likely because this country has 1 hospital to 1 million people, I literally expect COVID zombies to be walking around coughing and sneezing in the next 3 months.
Mind you, my city is a jungle on normal basis. You have 60% chance of getting jumped on your way home, than for NEPA to give power to where you live. If you know this City you'll concur. Imagine people stocking up on arms and weapons along with food. It will not be funny.


When i got home, i unconsciously searched for a wood axe i used to see lying around somewhere. I haven't seen it, and i'm not planning on using it. Just precautions, just precautions.