Doctors are baffled by the first recorded case of a person whose facial expression froze after masturbation. For Peter Jergen, 32, this facial paralysis is no laughing matter.

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A self-professed porn connoisseur, Jergen has masturbated on a daily basis with wild abandon since he was 12 years old. Otherwise a virgin, Jergen’s life has been drastically altered by an impromptu encounter with a Lane Bryant catalog while visiting his mother. Jergen knew something was wrong when he emerged from the bathroom to looks of disgust from his mother and the rest of her Bridge club. Catching his reflection in the mirror, Jergen broke down in tears and begged his mother to take him to the emergency room. Doctors at the local emergency room were unable to help Jergen and recommended that he seek treatment at the Mayo Clinic.

Sequestered from other patients during his three month stay, doctors at the Mayo Clinic were unable to determine the cause of Jergen’s facial paralysis, nor treat it. “Jergen Syndrome”, as the medical journals now refer to his condition, continues to baffle the best minds of the medical community.

As a result of his condition, Jergen lost his job as a stock boy at Toys “R” Us. Parents complained that Jergen looked “creepy” and did not want him hanging around their children. Unemployed and tragically paralyzed, Jergen has given up masturbation and soaks in a tub of ice cold water on a daily basis.