Now I know that all Nigerian men are not the same! I must admit that when I first married mine (and during the dating) I as an American thought that the 'culture' was universal. Now I see there are many, many 'sub-cultures'.

I have just left my husband and moved from Europe back to the States with our child. It was a very unhealthy relationship with both mental abuse and towards the end physical.

I know I've done the right thing for myself and my daughter but now I am left feeling even more out of control. When he is not sending me emails full of abuse he is asking of his daughter and accusing me of withholding her from him. Mind you he hasn't sent one dime of support for her. The problem is I don't know how I will ever let her see him again? I want her to have a father and I don't want to keep her from him; but I know nIgerian men do not take kindly to being left by their woman. Not so much out of love but from the shame it would provoke from the ridicule of his friends and family(feel free to correct me on this if you think I'm wrong)

My question is - how do I know he won't snatch her and take her to Nigeria? And if he does how can I get her back? Is it safe for me to travel back to Europe for him to see her?

He has always had an inflated view of himself and has always been very, very disrespectful, critical and abusive verbally so its not as if the things he is saying to me now are any different than what he has said in the past. But then I've never left him before.

In my opinion,Give him sometime before you allow him access to the child, since u say hes abusive,he could try to forcefully take the child or steal her, When she comes of age,she'll understand and be able to make her own decisions, and he wont be able to steal her then.And Men are the same all over the world, A  foreigner did worse to my sister so its not about his being a nigerian, wish u all d best.

@ tellsimone,

am sorry about your marriage and its a pity what seemed so promising had to end this way. definitely he would try to take your daughter away from you so what you need to do is make sure you move back to where your family is so every body can put an eye on your daughter.

make sure you are financially prepared to challenge whatever he would bring before you, and your family must be strong for you. if he sees a lot of family support for you, he may become more reasonable and try to do things the proper way. and if you guys were properly married, try to get a proper divorce and apply for custody of your daughter, the courts always lean towards the mother unless he can establish otherwise. good luck tellsimone.

stay in the states with your child, do not go to him, he will and could take her or do worse. heard of abusive men like him killing their kids and (no it is not just a western thing)
If he wants to see her, he must come to the state, where you , him and the courts can arrange a suitable meet, also let them know of your fears of abduction.He sounds deranged and it is not about where he is from. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies - I think your all saying the same thing about the court system and I think your right


In regards to his behavoir being a Nigerian thing perhaps I should have been clearer - much of the abuse was based on my being an unfit wife according to his cultural standards - that I don't know how to behave as a Nigerian wife would - how if I marry him I have married his culture so I shoiuld get used to it and conform (which I did at one point try to do - but it was never enough) then furthur it was because of the kind of home I came from that I was bush don't I know he is from royalty etc.etc.

He used his culture as a free ride to abuse me and while I now realize, as I said that this is not 'nigerian' behavior- it does become hard to tell the difference.

For instance no American man I have ever broken up with has called me a disgrace and brought my family upbringing into the matter.

I ask what a Nigerian man is capable of because I have heard stories and was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice. I am not suggesting that people from other countries do not have similar tendincies.

However, I have been amongst the Nigerian community for almost 8 years and I have to say, even amongst Africans, the Nigerian culture is a law onto itself. Surely I am not biased for thinking so? Am I?

pardon me if i am wrong but on one hand you say not all Nigerians are like this and that, then you come back saying maybe we are a law onto ourselves , asking to be corrected. Sorry i really mean no offense but are you by any change trying to goad us here? if not then i apologize.

Saying that, in some ways yes Nigerian men, or even Just Black men , African men whatever, can be a law unto themselves. it is not a good or bad thing to expect women and men to act in a certain way within the Nigerian culture. It becomes bad when you come across mean individuals like you ex who use anything under the sun as an excuse , or justification for their abuse. This behavior is not exclusive to the Nigerian community

Tell,

You just made a bad choice.  I do believe some naija men abuse you, and throw up their culture.  So I guess being abusive to their women is a culture thing.  Are you African?  Naija culture is strickly man dominated.  You should just be glad you had the strength to move on.  It is not healty to be with an abusive person.

Absolutely, do not allow him to interact with your daughter outside of the US.  He will steal your daughter if he has the chance.  His family will also support him in such behavior. 

He is simply humuliated that you left him and embarrassed him before his friends and family.  He is not the big man he wants everyone to believe, since he wasn't able to control his wife.  It is all an ego thing with him. I find a lot of Naija men have this totally false perception of who they are.  They make themselves be way more than they are.  I can relate to this experience.  I think it is their culture that creates false pride.

Of course, you want your daughter to have a father, but what kind of father.  Do you think you are good mother if you allow your daughter to grow up seeing you abused?  You are showing her how to be treated by a man.  I don't believe you should keep a man just to have a man. 

Have you thought about limiting the contact you have on the internet?  Why would you engage him if he is disrespecting you?  Do you think you have become accepting of such behavior?

Yes, file for divorce immediately.  Don't let it drag on.  Did you legally marry him in the states?  If so, he doesn't have to be present to end the marriage.  I am assuming of course, you are threw with him.

There is life after divorce.  There is also a chance that you might find a better man one day who will love you and your child.  Life is short.  Before you know it, you are a corpse.

Please inform your family and friends of the situation.  You may even have to notifiy the police.

I have heard your story before.  Believe me, you are not the only American woman going through this.  You can recover your life and sanity. 

You need to get on the net a find internet groups that focus on American women and foreign men, particularly African, more specifically Naija. You can get a lot of information. Whe you talk about Naija men in a Naija site, and it is usually not flattering, they get very defensive. So if you can find American women groups who have and are having various experiences with these men, you will have some support.

@ Kulushaker - When I said a law unto themselves I meant that the culture initself is strong and held in high regard by all Nigerians. This is not a negative remark just factual - in fact in most cases I find it so positive as most Nigerians I have come across have a strong sense of who they are and where they come from. It is one of the things I mourn for my daughter - that lack of being surronded by these influences will rob her of that. However, and more to the point, I think that in his case he used the culture in a negative light.

BigSis:



Absolutely, do not allow him to interact with your daughter outside of the US. He will steal your daughter if he has the chance. His family will also support him in such behavior.
He is simply humuliated that you left him and embarrassed him before his friends and family. He is not the big man he wants everyone to believe, since he wasn't able to control his wife. It is all an ego thing with him. I find a lot of Naija men have this totally false perception of who they are. They make themselves be way more than they are. I can relate to this experience. I think it is their culture that creates false pride.

Of course, you want your daughter to have a father, but what kind of father. Do you think you are good mother if you allow your daughter to grow up seeing you abused? You are showing her how to be treated by a man. I don't believe you should keep a man just to have a man.

@BigSis - wow you name suits!! I felt like that was a message from my big sis I appreciate the advice and the above really hit home for me cause that is exactly what I have always thought of how he sees himself!!

I think that I have become extremely used to his behavoir - I have dealt with it for a long time - but no more!! Thank god! I have made a police report and my family are all aware.

I will take your advice on the other forums and I apologize if I have offended anyone. It is just my experience, my story.

Thanks

Lets all salute the increasing phenomenon of single parenting.Let there be more single parents.Given how common it is in the States,I wonder to what extent the Nigerian man is at fault.

you probably refused to cook for him

Fabulous you sound just like him - good thing your not all the same.

And for your information I make jollof - agusi soup - the whole lot.

So what do you think perhaps I sweep the wrong way?

davidylan:

you probably refused to cook for him

Na trouble you dey find o  

tellsimone:

And for your information I make jollof - agusi soup - the whole lot.

You see am  Where are all those can't cook/won't cook ladies? 
_{maybe,u dey use too much pepper}

I-man:

You see am Where are all those can't cook/won't cook ladies?
_{maybe,u dey use too much pepper}

No mind dem jare. Na only the unmarried, unfocused teenagers just dey make noise. Plus those already frustrated in relationships dey shakara about cooking. Real women finished cooking for their family, read the responses on that thread and burst into laughter while shaking their heads.

tellsimone:

Fabulous you sound just like him - good thing your not all the same.

And for your information I make jollof - agusi soup - the whole lot.

So what do you think perhaps I sweep the wrong way?

Do you remember to clean his shoes every morning?
Did you commit the cardinal sin of waking him up whenever the baby cried in the night?

He has always had an inflated view of himself and has always been very, very disrespectful, critical and abusive verbally so its not as if the things he is saying to me now are any different than what he has said in the past. But then I've never left him before.
[quote][/quote]

I can so relate to this. I'm sorry for your problems, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. The fear you have about him taking your child is the same as I have as well. As a fellow American, keep your strength. It takes a strong woman especially being American to tolerate a Nigerian man. No offense to the wonderful Nigerian women out there, but you are used to them. As an American, it's very difficult for us. Tellsimone, do not believe his opinions of you. You are a wonderful person, look at what you have accomplished. Leaving and going to another country to be a wife is to be commended. Most Americans would not have that kind of commitment to an African man. Keep your head up and fight for your child.

Luish:

I can so relate to this. I'm sorry for your problems, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. The fear you have about him taking your child is the same as I have as well. As a fellow American, keep your strength. It takes a strong woman especially being American to tolerate a Nigerian man. No offense to the wonderful Nigerian women out there, but you are used to them. As an American, it's very difficult for us. Tellsimone, do not believe his opinions of you. You are a wonderful person, look at what you have accomplished. Leaving and going to another country to be a wife is to be commended. Most Americans would not have that kind of commitment to an African man. Keep your head up and fight for your child.

what a load of tripe.

solution.
invite him to the states to see his daughter,
create the condition where you know he will get angry cos you attack his ego
wait until he gets physically abusive
Then blast him into the next world!!! _{american courts are kind to women who gets physically abused}

davidylan:

what a load of tripe.

Your job here Davidylan is clearly a wind-up-merchant - nevertheless; how would you know?

Are you A) an American woman? B) A woman? C) Married to a Nigerian man?

I can understand your wanting to be defensive - but you had no problem suggesting that I as an American probably did not cook - wrongly I may add.

Therefore, you obviously do not have your head up your ass to the point of not knowing there are distinct differences between American woman and Nigerian men.

Have you ever worn the traditional garb at an event and had every person in the place staring at you like a freak of nature? Or stood next to a group of women who smiled at you and then assuming that you did'nt understand yuroba - which you did because further in your dedication you learned it- only to hear them talking about you like a piece of unwelcome trash?

And still you try - still you learn & cook dishes - still you bow for the elders. You are the 'wife' of the family and ignore the fact that your mother-in-law visits for 6 mths and doesn't wash one dish?

It is not to say these are wrong or right - they are different and take effort to conform to. Get used to. I believe that is what Luish was trying to say.

Why don't you spend your two-cents elsewhere if your going to be an ass?

davidylan:


Do you remember to clean his shoes every morning?
Did you commit the cardinal sin of waking him up whenever the baby cried in the night?

Because you do realize that this is not a joke that he hit me repeatedly in front of my daughter - uttering tripe like the above!!

@ cutenhot - Ha! LoL! Thanks. We married in England but I believe I can do the same type of thing. Mind you it doesn't take much,

tellsimone awww you had to go through all that. . .
Being a foreign wife is not easy, compromise is the name of the game. Coming back to complain later on does not help matters, i'm sure you knew what you were getting into when you decided to sign the dotted lines.
Yes he's behaved like an idiot, you have ur kid and now back in the US. Case settled.

davidylan seem to be afraid you might take my advice.

_{original comments deleted}

cute_N_hot:

davidylan seem to be afraid you might take my advice.

What's the point putting the father of ur child in jail on purpose? What has happened has happened, its time to move on. The title of this thread is a it misleading too, is there a special way of leaving a nigerian man? Serve him divorce papers and get custody of ur child chikena!

Well spoken.

Hey i really feel for you, that u had to go through all this from a man. oh how it pains me that we still v such wondaful women even on d midst of, nothing really just that i know very few white women inshort american women would take such. i respect u

now coming back to d topic i think some intelligent people v actually advised u on what to do, which is d divorce and im sure, u going to do that. But also, i must tell u yes 9jerians hold their 'culture' very high and still respect other cultures aswell, inasmuch as we hv 'animals' that claim to be men and worse still Nigerian , i can tell u we also v very good and lovin ones that will love u truly and protect u.

your child should know d culture too, u can expose her to d healthy and sane part of it. m sure ul be proud of it, leave that animal in 9jerian clotting and remain open, don't use your past experience to jugde oda sane ones.

we(nairalandas) love u and we're sorry u had to go 2ru this,

Well sorry Simone that you have had to go through this. I myself am a westerner married to a nigerian man that cannot wash a cup or cook one simple thing. I have given up on a lot of aspects of my on culture here too. I do all the cooking cleaning etc but thats what I am willing to do. At the end of the day if he changes his tune with me- he will have a weak arguement. yes, his sister came to stay with us and lay on the floor for two weeks then she went to another family household (my brother in laws) and does even worse there to point that she almost ruined their marriage but still she is always put first before his wife (as in my sister in law) there is always trouble in that family god help them and they are all nigerians. Sometimes it can be an ignorance thing and culture is used as the excuse. If you cooked etc for him I wonder what else was the problem how long were you married to him for?

PS its not just western ladies that have to get up and leave them. Yesterday, at work a lady (nigerian) came on the our office with six bags, a travel cot and four children! she said she was looking for a hostel that she had to leave her husband who abused her and didn't give her money.

Finally, if he is SERIOUS he will reconcile with you and COMPROMISE then again they can misinterpret the word compromise.
i think in a way, its selfish of some of them to come to the west and expect us to behave like a naija lady in the kitchen, given our upbringing and our hours of work outside the home. Ignorance is what it is. Who said you had to wear a garb why would you do that? are you a white lady? I don't think he will come to snatch your child when they get what they want (some of them that is) they don't give a hoot where the kid is.

I am only married two years now its been very good apart from the fact that he does nothing domestically. However, I am willing to do it and thats the choice I make because I love him.

please do not invite him,Let him find his way, by inviting him you are comming up for ever rubbish he may do,
Even if you did not cook for him. is anything wrong with his hands.
There are men that are looking for slaves and not for wives.

Nigerians have left such a good impression on my kids. Now they do not even step out pg the car when i go to the afro shop.Any Nigerian i visit they refuse to come with me.
God bless nigerian men

I am also married to a nigerian man, but i am from central africa, first I thouthg i was in a abusif relationship because he used to shout at me all the time, calling me names and beating me, when I visited nigeria in OWERRI, he told me that theirs women do not control their phones, where they go and what they do, all I needed is to stay home and wait until he is back, but I show him that I am from a family where my parent are together for 30 years now and all my siblings are hapily married.I stood up for myself and told him my mind, it took some months to make him see that i am me and i will not be what he want me to be, he is a ibgo man, i understand that but all I had to do is to teach him that apart from being a ibgo, he is a human being and i am also one with feelings and the only reason I was with him is because I loved him andtrusted him,since then he has change,not completely but he is going there. When he shout or throw insult on me I just keep quiet :-Xand wait for a happy moment to let him know that he hurt me but i still love him.
We are expecting our first child,since I have been living in Owerri for a year,my family in law adore me and I can tell you the man has been handle. . For your case has you tried and did not worked you better stay where you are and take care of your daughter telling her good about her father.