@jennykadry
thanks. Though so far, she says even when he apologises, he soon starts with the behavior again, so am guessing we shouldnt be expectin a change anytime soon!

^^
@natasha
She said that she has even begged him not to call if he knows he's going to be abusive, because it affects her emotionally, but he still does it. He's great in ALL other ways sha. She said she cant cope if that is how he'll kip humiliating her infront of her friends (when she goes out) and her colleagues (when she starts work and has to work late). Even her family will not be happy if they hear all the things she has told me.

@natasha
thanks. What I have a problem with is not even the jealousy but the insults. Her family are not an insultive people and why would a man say all those things to his woman? When she tells him he hurts her with his talk, he just begs and apologises. He has NEVER said he will adjust or change!

^^
even me, my BF used to be jealous. But on getting to know me better, he reduced it drastically. But it seems her fiance has made up his mind not to trust her or see anything gud about her.

I cracked my ribs reading Blazay,what a crazy girl

@Op: You've had enough advice here,the guy won't change so it's better she ends it now. My sister dated a guy that acts exactly as the guy in your post. She was a virgin too,a virgin till they got married. We talked and screamed for her to leave this guy but for where! She no gree o. Her excuse was that he has not hit her before. As im typing this,she is tired of her 7months marriage bc hussy has turned her to a punch bag. Yes,im talking about my sister.

You better do anything in your power to stop her from marrying that guy unless you are ready to have sleepless night. Im saying this bc if you love her what affects her will affect you if you love her the way u state in your posts. Im talking from experience

A word they say,is enough for the wise.

@baby.me
Thank you, I pray ur sis' husby will change, since she is in already.
I will do what I can, cos I don't seem to be the only one who is having a bad feeling about this!

Ahem! Ladies and Gents, please prepare for a pop quiz!

Question 1 – which is the worst thing that you can wish on a loved one?
A – break up of relationship
B – divorce
C – illness and eventual early grave

Question 2 – when a person exhibits certain behaviours before marriage, after saying “I do” he is more likely to:
A – miraculously do a 180 degree change and become a saint
B – continue as he was and even get worse

Question 3 – when you hide serious problems from your tight knit family who love you and will support you no matter what:
A – something is very wrong and you know it
B – everything is just perfect

Me, I know the answers I would choose. What about you?

TruAkebaje:

Ahem! Ladies and Gents, please prepare for a pop quiz!

Question 1 – which is the worst thing that you can wish on a loved one?
A – break up of relationship
B – divorce
C – illness and eventual early grave

Question 2 – when a person exhibits certain behaviours before marriage, after saying “I do” he is more likely to:
A – miraculously do a 180 degree change and become a saint
B – continue as he was and even get worse

Question 3 – when you hide serious problems from your tight knit family who love you and will support you no matter what:
A – something is very wrong and you know it
B – everything is just perfect

Me, I know the answers I would choose. What about you?

Brilliant!

Yeah, yeah. I get you. She should break up, he's not gonna change and she should tell her family. Well at this point, i guess she will. I mean, she's gotta tell them especially when she's thinking of calling it all off. Thanx. Nice quiz. . . .

If he can do this now that he has put an engagement ring on her finger, imagine what he will do when he puts the wedding ring on. The guy is not capable of trust and is abusive. He is also severly insecure and will isolate her from friends and family during marriage. I dont think the guy is mentally ready for marriage. Does he have a job? Because he has quite a lot of time on his hands. Also when people shout that much, it is not because they are particularly in love with the girl. It just shows that they are thinking that way because it is what they are doing in her absence/ what they will do in her shoes. This guy must be a serial cheat in real life. I will advice her to take more time to know him and call off the engagement. This kind of person will beat her black and blue in Marriage. I dont think she knows this guy well, especially because it is long distance.

Oh gal should not go anywhere I say. Dem Naija MOFOS are ALL like that. . .!!! She needs to deploy her 'feminine' guiles to tame that bush meat of hers before he becomes a full-scale  "George of the Jungle" abi na "Tarzan" without a Jane! Period. You think all these 'gen-tu-lu' men you see around you were not trained by their women? Some women had set them straight(Oyinbo or Ameri-dudu) with police and correct tongue-lashings before releasing them to others who pitied their arzzzes and gave them another chance to prove they have been duly rehabilitated from that abusive madness where their fathers and mothers failed to do just that!

divalishis:

@blazay
Being a virgin or not is not the main issue.

Positive!(+)

His abuse is the issue here.

Positive!(+)

She is well educated AND beautiful.

Negative! (-)So was Halle Berry who attracted ALL the batterers with her ALL her beauty without a daddy who never told her when a man is trying to hurt or kill ya arzzze!

By the way, she said after thinking of quitting, she started attacking him back, but that's not the kind of life she wants to live.

Negative! (-)Then she is NOT using the right tools.

She needs to attack with the right tools. . . which are 'attitude' and 'reinforcement'. . . like you do with a child, since he is a little less than one with poor communication skills. Her actions will tell him it is NOT okay to be 'cruel'! Instead of playing the doormat. No need to cut and run either. For THEY ARE ALL like that. He or she who runs, lives to fight another day. She will start the whole thing all over again with another dude. Nor be Naija man?

Let her spend a day or two with moi. . .the man will be pitied even by that ya 'MOO-MOO-TUNJI" on this ya thread.

Arrrrrrrantus Nonsensicus!

During the reading of this post I was thinking: "oh lord, this is the cousing of my LD girlfriend".
I must admit, I am this type of man.
I can give you my point of view about the issue, and try to give her a word of hope.
I never felt to be a nasty person, nor an assh. . as I have been named elsewhere.
I am a normal person, I am gentle, honest, careless, understanding person.
But I feel sometime the panic coming on me, then I start thinking the worst things about my girlfriend. Where is she, why she is not answering my SMS. Then I start to wait for her and the panic is getting worst. I start calling her, and if for any reason she is not answering I go mad and keep calling her again and again and again. I called 15 times in 3 minutes once.
I then go to facebook and start to watch every single post of her and the whole friend list I can access. Every bit of information, even the silliest one raise my suspects, and the panic really takes me. At this point if she answer the phone call I am out of control. To be really honest I have never offended my girlfriend and luckily if she say a good word I tend to calm down myself quite quickly. I am conscious that what I am doing is my fault by I can't control myself.
Then for two days I am ok, not harrasing just goodmorning/goodnight messages or a chat on messenger.
Then again the panic take my control, and the suspect is making the rest. I can find many mad thoughts in any information I can collect.
Usually the explication is easy to understand but the theories I make in my mind are complicated and finalised to find she is cheating.

In my case this is done by the distance, which I simply realised I can't manage.
I have been married before and I had a genuine jelousy, not the type I described before.
With my wfe I never been obsessed, she was coming out with friends, she was going to dance by herself and stuff like this. Our divorce have nothing to do with jelousy.

Now, I believe he is in the same situation. I strongly believe he is in need of help from a doctor, to help him to fight is insecurety, which is the thing I am doing myself now.
But I also believe that once they will be together this attitude will not be so dramatic as it is now. It is all about the disctance and the poor self consideration he has for himself. He can work on it if he wants, and if she really loves him she can help him to understand his problem.

I know my english is not good, I hope you understand my point.

The man will start hitting ur cousin when they get married - I talk from experience. I said I would not say anything and just read the post but if i can save just one woman from abuse I will have to tell my story.

The way this man is behaving is exactly how my ex behaved. I have now left Nigeria and it will take a long time before my 2 feet will land back in Nigeria. trust me the man has big problems and it is not for your cousin to try and change him - in a country of 150million and a world of 6 billion she will find someone else. yes it will be painful to break up but trust me - she might be crying now, in a years time she may be nursing a broken leg or arm, wiping blood from her face. U will be calling her and she will "disappear" for a while so that her bruises can heal.

I could go into more of what happened to me but this story sounds too close to home for me to say continue, endure and pray. I know marriage in Nigeria is all about endurance (on the woman's part) but marriage is not about endurance - its about love and respect for each other.

Is it when u now become Mrs but he is outside chasing women and when u question him u get a cold slap that u will wake up.

Anyway no one can tell your cousin what to do but if know then what i know now, i might still have a full set of teeth, full use of my back and no need for a cast on my broken arm. my ex did the same, if i missed a call it was world war 3 in our relationship but it was ok for him to not answer the phone, was told i would be killed if he ever suspected me of cheating - this from the same man that chased anything that was not a man - abeg jarre life is 2 short for this and if she is in nigeria no one will come to her rescue o when he is beating her black and blue.

@inky
Thank you!!! We have already opened the first site to go through it. The whole thing is really saddening. With all these. . .it doesnt look like things will work out between them!
@2mch
Thank you. D surprising thing is that he has a job, an excellent one at that!

@cotton101
Thank you!!! For not keeping silent. Thank you! There is alot of wisdom in the simplicity of your words. And I pray that God will heal you in body and soul, Amen!

@Topic

I would advise her to confide in her mother, see what she has to say and at least postpone the wedding (i'm trying to be nice). The ideal case would be for her to walk out, honestly.

A couple of years ago I was in that same exact situation for over 4years and one of the best decisions I have made in my life was to end this relationship. It takes a lot of courage, believe me. I would shake and cry for hours when he would get mad, I would be up all night with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, my heart would constantly race if I forgot to call him right at the very second that I was done with my class (I was a student then).
He broke me in a lot of different aspects, my life was centered around him and trying not to upset him or make him mad. Any guy who would say hi to me only wants one thing: to sleep with me; all of the guys I used to tutor in school, the guys that were in our student association (of which I was the president), the neighbors in my apartment complex, the cashier at the store, every single male's goals was to sleep with me --- according to him.

I had to cut my r/ships even with my female friends, delete phone numbers, delete emails and messenger contacts and I ended up staying home most of the time and not going anywhere other than school and church because he would constantly call, every 15/30 minutes when i am with friends (even girl friends) or at church, anywhere outside. And yes it was a long distance relationship too. I felt obligated to give all of my passwords to all my emails so that he would trust that I had nothing to hide, he would log into my accounts, read my messages, answers certain messages as if he was me, delete other messages, change passwords etc. After 3 years, I felt suffocated and wanted out, but I loved him really much despite everything, still thought he could change and couldnt see myself breaking it up. His personality finally overshadowed mine and the "us" became mostly  a lot of "him" and a little tiny bit of "me". It took me over 1 year and half to say bye bye.

Back to your cousin, Tell her to make sure that she can live with that just the way she is right now, because it wont change. You SHOULD NEVER go into a marriage hoping to change somebody. You marry the person for what he/she is now.
She is young, she has a whole life ahead of her.  Just because they are about to get married doesnt mean they have to. If there is any shadow of doubt in her mind that she should not go ahead then she should not. She should listen to her guts.

This is my advice: Find PEACE as best friend in this matter. PEACE has been my best friend for a while now (since that abusive relationship). I never do anything unless I feel completely at peace with the outcome/ potential outcome of it. I am a couple months away from my wedding myself to a man that brings me peace. When I think about our relationship, I see and feel peace, a feeling of overwhelming calmness with no anxiety, no doubts, no fear of the possible unknown outcome of our relationship and I believe that is how one should ideally feel when preparing for marriage.

@sasi-malia
My cousin was shocked when i showed her your post. She said when she was in school, she would be scared and her heart would be beating, if she didnt call him immediately after classes! OMG! Infact, that day he called her when we went out, she was shaking after his calls!!!
I'm happy for you. Atleast u're out of it and av found happiness!

Blazay:

Mu he he he he

One of those Moutallab muuzlims will inherit the congo intact when she reach God face for sure!

Shiooooooooor!

Virgin ko!
Atlantic ni!
See how 'silly' virgins end up? 
Disu wan na for civilized world o. Not to mention broke-arzzzzzzzze local champions from the jungo of Africa.
Shiooooooooor! African 'craw-fish' virgin. Make she nor go school learn to become bread-winner like powerful modern women oh?





http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/system/topicRoot/Wedding_of_Charles_and_Diana/

No wonder she ended up dead.


See who the "ay-dion-vbhan" ended up with? An "ay-deh-deh" with false teeth like his after they all planned to ge[b]rrri[/b]d of her so they can keep phocking themselves. Did they not eventually get married after she died like one [size=20pt]'Buckingham Bushmeat'[/size]?

To add insult to injury. . .after chopping her 'virgin' congo. . . with 2 beautiful boys. . . !!! Hmmmmm!!!



http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7420541/ns/world_news/


Abeg when she reaash dia, make she greet Lady "DINAH" for me o! Too bad she will only see her sons get married and carry her grand-children from her diamond coffin where she don die dey rotten troway tay tay.

God forbid I say!
Make she shine her eyes well well o!
She ain't marrying a Prince Charles. . . mwaaaaaah!!!
Ewooooo!!!

Blazay . . . u r not serious at all. . . LMAO. . .

@ Divalishis 's COUSIN ; Blazay's posts actually have a lot of truth in them. If he doesn't respect you or trust you now before the marriage, then he's not going to respect you or trust you AFTER the marriage. Whether you are a virgin or not will be completely irrelevant to him.

Please memorise everything Inked Nerd said. Also, re-read esteduca's post to enable you to put things into perspective. But DON'T entertain the thought of still getting married to him. Girls always seem to have this "Beauty and the Beast" mentality that makes them think that by being beautiful, educated, well-bred, patient, loving and what-have-you, that the guy will eventually change and realise what a fool he has been.

Some guys do change, but to be quite honest, if he was going to change he would have done so by now. Please don't waste yourself on him , don't build your life around ANYONE! Count yourself lucky that you saw the light before signing the dotted line. Some people don't and they end up dead.

@esteduca
Your english is ok. We had to check your profile because my cousin was freaking out that you were her fiance. She said he has called her 37 times at a blow before. But you're a white man, as we saw from your pic, while her fiance is naija. How come you guys act all so similar? Where such guys schooled in the same place on how to act or what?

@iya basira
Yes, I know that Blazay made sense. Infact, everyone who commented here made alot of alot of sense. . .You, cotton101, obowumi, inky, masi, mclartunji, Akebaje, baby.me, esteduca, natasha. Infact everyone. Thank God I came here and not the romantic section. Thanks!!!

Hello there,
I can speak about myself CLEARLY:
I have never beat anybody in my life. I have never insulted or menaced my ex gf I was jelous for.
I am not violent and I am carefull about my woman, as I did with my ex wife. We break because she did not want to have children, while I wanted.
I have been cheated by her and I had no violent reaction, never.
I have shared my experience with a Long distance relation just to let you see an alternative point of view.
I am the first to say that Cotton and Inked are giving you nice advices.
I am on the same opinion that if your cousin is scared to get beated by him she must leave him immediately.
He will find a way to solve his problem with a doctor.
So please avoid saying I am acting as him since I am no violent person and far to be.
Ciao!

Listen, my sister was in the same boat as your cousin. The only difference is that your cousin is smart enough to confide in you before the wedding. My sister never told us a thing and led us to believe everything was perfect.

Her husband abused her in so many ways. We saw the signs, heavy makeup to conceal bruising, excuses after excuse as to why she didn't want to come around anymore. Her outgoing personality changed completely. He made her cut off all her friends and family one by one so that he could have total control over her. That's what your cousin's fiance is doing to her. He has started already by accusing you and her friends of bringing guys for her. He is going to give her a long lecture (as these types lecture their wives and girlfriends) about how he doesn't want these people around his matrimonial home.

Sadly my sister endured his abuse which never ended for over four years, even through her 3 pregnancies. He would tell her that he wanted to keep her pregnant so that no man would want to look at her. She kept thinking he would change and he never did, even taking his rage out on his son.

My sister left him and now she is set to marry (in a few months) a wonderful guy who loves her three kids like they are his own. The years of abuse left so many psychological scars on everyone involved. I know how worried you are because I was in your shoes. My sister's husband even caused her to mistreat our mother. She wanted so badly to prove that she loved him so that he would love her the way she needed to be loved.

Please tell your cousin to break this off. I had to worry every single day that one day the violence would end in her death. Many womwn out there never got any warning signs before they get married and the guy shows his true colors.

@esteduca
Sorry, I didnt intend to imply that you insult your girlfriend.
I was talking about how you react when you are jealous. E.g the many calls and the interrogations when she eventually picks.
Didnt mean to insult your sensibilities. Thanks for your post, it really made things clearer!

Nekai:

Listen, my sister was in the same boat as your cousin. The only difference is that your cousin is smart enough to confide in you before the wedding. My sister never told us a thing and led us to believe everything was perfect.

Her husband abused her in so many ways. We saw the signs, heavy makeup to conceal bruising, excuses after excuse as to why she didn't want to come around anymore. Her outgoing personality changed completely. He made her cut off all her friends and family one by one so that he could have total control over her. That's what your cousin's fiance is doing to her. He has started already by accusing you and her friends of bringing guys for her. He is going to give her a long lecture (as these types lecture their wives and girlfriends) about how he doesn't want these people around his matrimonial home.

Sadly my sister endured his abuse which never ended for over four years, even through her 3 pregnancies. He would tell her that he wanted to keep her pregnant so that no man would want to look at her. She kept thinking he would change and he never did, even taking his rage out on his son.

My sister left him and now she is set to marry (in a few months) a wonderful guy who loves her three kids like they are his own. The years of abuse left so many psychological scars on everyone involved. I know how worried you are because I was in your shoes. My sister's husband even caused her to mistreat our mother. She wanted so badly to prove that she loved him so that he would love her the way she needed to be loved.

Please tell your cousin to break this off. I had to worry every single day that one day the violence would end in her death. Many womwn out there never got any warning signs before they get married and the guy shows his true colors.

and u know what - its only when ur out of the situation that you actually realise thats what he has done. Imagine the beating i received when I finally reported him to his family and my own - he even told me I had dug my own grave that day when he found out. oh yes i remember the "lectures" about my friends who r jealous or bad influences or he just didn't like them. If I went out he would sulk for at least a week after (then u find yourself staying in just for the sake of peace).

divalishis:

@sasi-malia
My cousin was shocked when i showed her your post. She said when she was in school, she would be scared and her heart would be beating, if she didnt call him immediately after classes! OMG! Infact, that day he called her when we went out, she was shaking after his calls!!!
I'm happy for you. Atleast u're out of it and av found happiness!

You're so very welcome. Other ppl have been thru it before, I literally was scared of him but never wanted to admit. Anyways, it it's not meant to be, no reason to force it, I hope she makes the right decision, the one that will make her happy!

divalishis:

@esteduca
Sorry, I didnt intend to imply that you insult your girlfriend.
I was talking about how you react when you are jealous. E.g the many calls and the interrogations when she eventually picks.
Didnt mean to insult your sensibilities. Thanks for your post, it really made things clearer!

Thank you! No problem.
I am reading and thank you for this post and all the reply since it makes things clearer to me as well!