Hi All,

i have been in marriage for some years now with one child. My wife learnt fashion designing and excelled well at it except that one of her major professional drawbacks is the ability to be accountable and drawing the appropriate lines between business and emotions. Further to that is a major influence of her parents in her life.

I have invested so much in her and her business as a whole. i built the business and still didnt stop investing when need be. so it happened that when i got her a new location for the business as requested, i bought advanced sewing machines and all that she put to my ears that she needs to excel. Then i sat her down asking what the modalties are for her to take in apprentice. so she told me student will have to take up a form for 5k, apprenticeship for 60k and so on. These are things i know but i needed be sure that she is well informed.

Apparently, there have been a back and forth between her and the parents of one lady who was brought to her for apprenticeship. So, there came a day my dad came to my house and there was a need for him to see my wife before leaving which caused me to show up at her shop unexpectedly. This will be second time i have been to d shop since she opened the shop like 6 months ago. i saw legs wandering here and there in the shop and found out she had an apprentice. I then said to her, you even got an aprentice and didnt say a word to me. she replied that the apprentice had only just joined her a day ago. i said to her... didnt you come yesterday? told me sorry.

Then i proceeded to to ask her if she did got the rightful things from the apprentice, only for her to respond to me that the parents came and was begging her all through that the nation is hard. i had to say to her, as nigeria hard.. e no reach you or cos i have been putting money here, you think i dont have my own issues too. Las las, she responded to me by saying "Owo maa tan,eiyan loo maa kuu" meaning money go finish, na human being go remain. this got me mind as i didnt expect this from someone i invested so much in. I felt i was busy wasting my time and resource on someone who doesnt understand the value of my efforts. I jus said to her, did your landlord gave me this shop for free? were these machines gotten for free? did your boss not take money from me even for your freedom? i jus left her there before i misbehaved.

She got home later that night and was offering me noodles for dinner which i declined. later she saw me with bread and was trying to talk to me abt food. I told her that i will appreciate if i our eyes don't cross anymore that night. Next thing she did was take some clothes and that of my child. then left my house, called her father that she was coming home. the father as usual supported her and told her to go to my father's house instead. Then her proceeded to call me instead yelling at me asking me wah happend..i said nothing hapnd and e responded saying, anything better not happen. before i know it he has called my father and friends to warn me. Apparently, the dota told d father that i told her that i shldnt let me meet her at home. i called d father and voiced him to pls stay away from my family. its enof that yu jump in defence of yur dota always buit dont include my parents there anymore. the daughter went to sleep at her friend's house which i dont even know who d friend is according to d fada. I had the intention of mking sure she doesnt return here but pleadings here and there. she came home and still acted like niothing happend, no greetings or pleadings whatsoeveer.

I will leave this story at this stage as i had only come here to vent a bit before i mke rash decisions.

Thank you all as i await reasonable comments

It's understandable.

Please, try and be understanding more. You can tell her not to allow any free new interns any longer. Don't let it ruin your marriage.

Her remark could also have been an innocent one. Of course, I know it hurts when money is involved.

Speak to her concerning all you think with a mild voice but clear terms on recruiting interns.

Marriage is not a part-time thing.


Secondly, I don't support her leaving home and her parent's defensive taunts. However, let your words be seasoned with salt always when you respond.

I see a grateful wife, bro. Relate with her more like a friend! Teach her business ethics! Don't reject her food because of anger for her inexperience. Be her tutor, husband, friend, client, and future.


Thank you.

Brother, not only your wife, " Women generally are ungrateful " its an old adage.

To me, I would suggest you talk to your wife and let her come back home. Maybe she got you wrong while trying to correct her for accepting her apprentice free of charge.

Hmm...it is amusing how some parents don't know how to draw the lines. It is never too late for you to draw the lines at this time. It was good you called the father however, take it one step, stop entertaining their gestures. You and your wife should sit down and set whatever boundary that need be set.

On financing the business, you should learn that you need to rather invest in other things than your wife's business. I understand Nigeria is hard and the need to help people but that doesn't imply such quotations because when truly there is no money, most of those left would insult you for being stupidly nice.

Lastly, there is no need not to set your eyes on her because of your issues. Device a means to either resolve them quickly and if you think it is not something that can be resolved immediately, lock up yourself in another room or just find a way to make her understand you would rather discuss the issue later.

Ouch o wish I have something to say...
Best wishes

Your wife is financially, emotionally and psychologically immature.

The moment you get married, trivial issues should be settled and if there's miscommunication, it's best to seek clarity.

She needs proper counselling from someone she respects, preferably an older woman that's not her parent.

MODIFIED

Leaving the house and calling her father over an issue that could have been resolved is very wrong. You claimed she's not good with finances so it's obvious it's a flaw of hers and I understand you're trying to help her.

Your error is that you should have waited till you got home before talking about the apprentice and why she didn't collect money.

Small thing like that you told her you didn't want to see her, she now misunderstood it to mean she should leave.

Miscommunication.

She needs counselling sha, financially, emotionally and psychologically. No be everything go make you call your papa leave your marital home.

Sanity54321:
Hi All,

i have been in marriage for some years now with one child. My wife learnt fashion designing and excelled well at it except that one of her major professional drawbacks is the ability to be accountable and drawing the appropriate lines between business and emotions. Further to that is a major influence of her parents in her life.

I have invested so much in her and her business as a whole. i built the business and still didnt stop investing when need be. so it happened that when i got her a new location for the business as requested, i bought advanced sewing machines and all that she put to my ears that she needs to excel. Then i sat her down asking what the modalties are for her to take in apprentice. so she told me student will have to take up a form for 5k, apprenticeship for 60k and so on. These are things i know but i needed be sure that she is well informed.

Apparently, there have been a back and forth between her and the parents of one lady who was brought to her for apprenticeship. So, there came a day my dad came to my house and there was a need for him to see my wife before leaving which caused me to show up at her shop unexpectedly. This will be second time i have been to d shop since she opened the shop like 6 months ago. i saw legs wandering here and there in the shop and found out she had an apprentice. I then said to her, you even got an aprentice and didnt say a word to me. she replied that the apprentice had only just joined her a day ago. i said to her... didnt you come yesterday? told me sorry.

Then i proceeded to to ask her if she did got the rightful things from the apprentice, only for her to respond to me that the parents came and was begging her all through that the nation is hard. i had to say to her, as nigeria hard.. e no reach you or cos i have been putting money here, you think i dont have my own issues too. Las las, she responded to me by saying "Owo maa tan,eiyan loo maa kuu" meaning money go finish, na human being go remain. this got me mind as i didnt expect this from someone i invested so much in. I felt i was busy wasting my time and resource on someone who doesnt understand the value of my efforts. I jus said to her, did your landlord gave me this shop for free? were these machines gotten for free? did your boss not take money from me even for your freedom? i jus left her there before i misbehaved.

She got home later that night and was offering me noodles for dinner which i declined. later she saw me with bread and was trying to talk to me abt food. I told her that i will appreciate if i our eyes don't cross anymore that night. Next thing she did was take some clothes and that of my child. then left my house, called her father that she was coming home. the father as usual supported her and told her to go to my father's house instead. Then her proceeded to call me instead yelling at me asking me wah happend..i said nothing hapnd and e responded saying, anything better not happen. before i know it he has called my father and friends to warn me. Apparently, the dota told d father that i told her that i shldnt let me meet her at home. i called d father and voiced him to pls stay away from my family. its enof that yu jump in defence of yur dota always buit dont include my parents there anymore. the daughter went to sleep at her friend's house which i dont even know who d friend is according to d fada. I had the intention of mking sure she doesnt return here but pleadings here and there. she came home and still acted like niothing happend, no greetings or pleadings whatsoeveer.

I will leave this story at this stage as i had only come here to vent a bit before i mke rash decisions.

Thank you all as i await reasonable comments

TAKE HEART

What i can deduce so far is that, the going was good (at least to some extent), before the shop and setup came into play. I think your wife feels you are choking her because you set up the business for her. Whatever reason she has for that is irrelevant... that's human being for you.

Now, what you can do, for peace to reign, is to cut her some slack on the business. Suuru la fi n se oko obinrin. Allow her make the mistakes. I know its not easy spending so much, and not seeing some level of appreciation.

Conclusion: Cut her some slack and support her decisions. If she doesn't tell you, ignore. She's your wife and not any random person you helped.

Pls take note, i'm not saying she doesn't have her faults. In fact, its major, but would you prefer this little issue be the reason for your broken marriage?

chatinent:
It's understandable.

Please, try and be understanding more. You can tell her not to allow any free new interns any longer. Don't let it ruin your marriage.

Her remark could also have been an innocent one. Of course, I know it hurts when money is involved.

Speak to her concerning all you think with a mild voice but clear terms on recruiting interns.

Marriage is not a part-time thing.


Secondly, I don't support her leaving home and her parent's defensive taunts. However, let your words be seasoned with salt always when you respond.

I see a grateful wife, bro. Relate with her more like a friend! Teach her business ethics! Don't reject her food because of anger for her inexperience. Be her tutor, husband, friend, client, and future.


Thank you.

Quality Analysis. OP better Calm down and follow this Analysis.

Romanoff:
Your wife is financially, emotionally and psychologically immature.

The moment you get married, trivial issues should be settled and if there's miscommunication, it's best to seek clarity.

She needs proper counselling from someone she respects, preferably an older woman that's not her parent.

You are too blunt!

Therapists aren't this blunt so they wouldn't be giving one party a basis to feel right against the other when the aim is to make things right.


You must learn to be neutral as though you have heard from both sides, rather than being too outspoken.

You are welcome.

Have a nice century.

You have entitlement mentality. The daughter desist being his blood because you married her. You are a child.

The father told her to go your father. That is bad counsel abi. That's why you feel entitled. You're too proud, too strict to have sensible relations, cause if it's not your way, it's no other way


Your heart is sick and not healthy and because of the state of your heart, you can't form healthy stable relations.


1. The title of your thread suggests your psyche about your own wife... " An ungrateful wife " meanwhile, people buy their wife's extremely expensive things you're acting God because you saw her through some tough times. Yes, you deserve her loyalty for that, but here you're placing demands for God-like worship which makes you unhealthy.






2. The father always supports his daughter. Should the father leave his daughter to support you? Even at that, you haven't heard from the father, yet you have judged. The notion the father always supports the daughter without lending ear for objective rationale of the dad makes you an extremely judgmental person who hates people. You hate your wife and her family and it has formed your perspective in anything with them



3. Your energy says it all. Any sound human who patiently absorbs the content of your post would feel the overwhelming energy that is in your heart and surrounds your decisions..


. You need counselling.


She needs counselling




You both don't love yourselves enough to be a family. And it's clear to see.

chatinent:


You are too blunt!

Therapists aren't this blunt so they wouldn't be giving one party a basis to feel right against the other when the aim is to make things right.


You must learn to be neutral as though you have heard from both sides, rather than being too outspoken.

You are welcome.

Have a nice century.

It's a flaw I'm trying to work on.

It's both been a strength and a weakness but then, I am not a therapist.

You told her you do not want to see her that night, she proceeded to leave the house for you, do you expect her not to tell the person(her father) she intends staying with why she left her husbands house, cos I don't understand, and her father being a wise man told her to go to your father's house, so what is the problem?

And again, did the father of her apprentice intend not to pay for his daughter's learning in the long run even though they didn't have the money at that moment? Let's understand your anger, or is it the "money will go, humans will remain" she said that is pinching you? Isn't she right on that phrase? The apprentice only came a day before, not like she has spent the duration of her time there, so why are you unnecessarily pissed?

Now your wife is back home, you expect her to plead abi apologise for coming back to both of you's house after you sent her packing?

Is it the apology that is eating you up? Can't you overlook it and move on?

You have outlived your use

Romanoff:


It's a flaw I'm trying to work on.

It's both been a strength and a weakness but then, I am not a therapist.

I don't mince words either, but I am very careful when it's marriage that's involved.


A little sarcasm can ruin a prospective promising marriage...and you'll be behind your computer not knowing what you've done.


Check: I noticed the man triggered her leave by saying he didn't want their eyes to meet again. Of course, he made the case seem trivial here but I am sure it was a hot one in reality.


I also noticed the father's response and all that, of course, caused by her leaving the house.


I avoided selling blames and stood on rebound.

QorQe:
You have entitlement mentality. The daughter desist being his blood because you married her. You are a child.

The father told her to go your father. That is bad counsel abi. That's why you feel entitled. You're too proud, too strict to have sensible relations, cause if it's not your way, it's no other way

Succinctly put.

chatinent:


I don't mince words either, but I am very careful when it's marriage that's involved.

A little sarcasm can ruin a prospective promising marriage...and you'll be behind your computer not knowing what you've done.

I wasn't being sarcastic and I didn't think my comment was divisive of his marriage.

His wife seeking counselling isn't a bad idea, is it?

Many Nigerian males need help in home and people management. They may be well developed in other areas, but I've come to notice rather sadly that many guys lack tact in interpersonal relations with wife's family etc. I'm a Pro so I know. I manage the interactions between as much as five families. So I know when a man lacks it. This one lacks it. The wife to needs counselling to overcome " self ", the man here is too self absorbed.


My question is why do you all go ahead to marry yourselves when you can't tolerate one another or even like one another. Why?

Modified.

Biglittlelois:



Your first comment is you being sarcastic really? That is your defense? The counseling you told the wife to seek is that also sarcasm?

I said I wasn't being sarcastic. I actually meant what I said. It wasn't sarcasm. My previous comment is that I didn't mean it to be sarcastic.

I'm surprised you think it is.

Romanoff:


I said I wasn't being sarcastic. I actually meant what I said. It wasn't sarcasm. My previous comment is that I didn't mean it to be sarcastic.

I'm surprised you think it is.

Alright.

QorQe:
Many Nigerian males need help in home and people management. They may be well developed in other areas, but I've come to notice rather sadly that many guys lack tact in interpersonal relations with wife's family etc. I'm a Pro so I know. I manage the interactions between as much as five families. So I know when a man lacks it. This one lacks it. The wife to needs counselling to overcome " self ", the man here is too self absorbed.


My question is why do you all go ahead to marry yourselves when you can't tolerate one another or even like one another. Why?

The best person to counsel her is an older woman who isn't her parent.

Nigerian women have dealt with Nigerian men the way they are, as unrefined and undeveloped in some areas.

There will be more trouble if his wife's busines fails due to poor financial management and since he invested in the business, e no go funny. Her being too emotional might contribute to her business failing and to me o, unless on grounds of infidelity or domestic abuse, you should not leave your matrimonial home.

The wife obviously misunderstood the husband when he said he didn't want to use his eyes to see her.

Romanoff:


The best person to counsel her is an older woman who isn't her parent.

Nigerian women have dealt with Nigerian men the way they are, as unrefined and undeveloped in some areas.

There will be more trouble if his wife's busines fails due to poor financial management and since he invested in the business, e no go funny. Her being too emotional might contribute to her business failing and to me o, unless on grounds of infidelity or domestic abuse, you should not leave your matrimonial home.

The wife obviously misunderstood the husband when he said he didn't want to use his eyes to see her.

.. I don't disagree. But there's no love in this relationship. This one clear to see, so what's with the whole managemental doctrine, when the primary thing love is lacking.

Op is at fault, why monitoring her business like I don't understand?! Or you are expecting something huge like money back I'll do the same thing she did, a lot of artisans are training people for free, it's like empowerment!!! Many people want to learn but they don't have whom to sponsor them. Nobody knows tommorow, one of those she trained could give her a good link tommorow! Everything is not money!!!! You would have supported and encouraged her to do more. God bless the man I took two of neighbours to his wife for training, those ladies are SS 2 drop out, I told the wife I will pay like 4times because I just want to help their parents, also to get something doing instead of following bad boys around, the man called me that his wife told me I came to her shop, he said I shouldn't pay kobo that she was glad seeing someone to assist her in shop, I said I'll pay half, the man said he will compensate his wife, he is here on nairaland, those ladies are my tailors till tommorow, they are just too good! Op should learn how to give out a little from what God has blessed you with. Everything is not money please


Your wife did wrong by moving out of the house, haba! For what

She did it wrong by leaving the house too, it not up to that.

I told her that I will appreciate if our eyes don't cross anymore that night.

@Sanity54321, why did you say those words to the woman you were supposed to protect?
What did you expect her to do after that?
Don't you think she made the right decision by leaving, since it was almost impossible for you both not to see each other that night?
You threatened her, and then you expected her to stay?
When one is threatened and doesn't feel safe in their environment, leaving should be the best option don't you think so?

Are you angry that her father protected her from you? She'll always be her father's daughter, and being married to you can never change that.
What if she had no one to protect her? Who knows what you would have done to her?
You seem like an impatient man who lacks understanding and acts impulsively.

@Bola146; NGOs are meant to cater for empowerment programs not private businesses. Furthermore, if you read closely.. there is no place where i ever said i go there regularly. instead i said this is the first second time since the business started.

also, your comment - Nobody knows tommorow, one of those she trained could give her a good link tommorow! Everything is not money!!!!seem to me as though you have seen too much of nollywood movies.

Uncle,be calming down abeg....The issue isn't suppose to reach that level na.What happened to resolving issues amicably?...You didn't try at all,by reacting and speaking to her in that manner.You were right at the beginning,you just use ur wahala to spoil show...Let's be calming down o,ehn ehn.

mariahAngel:
I told her that I will appreciate if our eyes don't cross anymore that night.

@Sanity54321, why did you say those words to the woman you were supposed to protect?
What did you expect her to do after that?
Don't you think she made the right decision by leaving since it was almost impossible for you both not to see each other that night?
You threatened her, and then expected her to stay?
When one is threatened and doesn't feel safe in their environment, leaving should be the best option don't you think so?

Are you angry that her father protected her from you? She'll always be her father's daughter, and being married to you can never change that.
What if she had no one to protect her? Who knows what you would have done to her?
You seem like an impatient man who lacks understanding and acts impulsively.

God bless you jare, very bad statement!!! maybe she would have been killed!!!!

Sanity54321:
@Bola146; NGOs are meant to cater for empowerment programs not private businesses. Furthermore, if you read closely.. there is no place where i ever said i go there regularly. instead i said this is the first second time since the business started.

also, your comment - Nobody knows tommorow, one of those she trained could give her a good link tommorow! Everything is not money!!!!seem to me as though you have seen too much of nollywood movies.

Just pray for me God send helpers to me to train young females how to make hair for free, with the little from my business, I love helping people ( I'm always happy seeing them happy), that is why I'm still alive now, I don't have much but I love giving out token out of it. My future husband must be willing to help others no matter how small or big we have.


Kikikikikikikiki you are not telling us the full story or details jare what if she haven't seen any apprentice, you must develop hypertension ( Mr monitoring spirit ) or you went to collect LAPO money for the business ni, so you need the money asap


There is more to your story jare, I don't believe you. I know your type

QorQe:


.. I don't disagree. But there's no love in this relationship. This one clear to see, so what's with the whole managemental doctrine, when the primary thing love is lacking.

Many marriages these days is lacking in love and that's why money causes issues.

People marry these days and don't disclose how much they earn.

Still, it is still a manageable situation. All it takes is understanding.