Dear married and yet to marry matured people, pls i need your advice .

Just got married for the past 1 year. Thank God for giving me a good husband but he behaves like a baby

Imagine my husband doesn't help me in house chores, he will see me running around trying to put things in order he won't be touched to help out especially on weekends, he will just be there browsing all day.  since both of us are working class and carrying the family burden together i expected him to help in little things. sometimes i overlook but when its much i have to open up and talk, anytime i talk he will interpret it that am talking to him as if am his mother. He will make issues out of it. i am always the one to wake him up in the morning to prepare for work.

He scatters every where for me, removes his cloth in the sitting room, shoes, has never made any attempt to cook for his wife even when am tired. Anytime i beg him to help me do something he will like to delay that thing, he won't want to do it immediately till i talk, then he will get up like a baby and starts doing it. this is someone that is oga controlling a lot of people in his office.

Thirdly, anytime i tell him about my male collgues and how they treat their wives , he gets angry. i feel he is self centered or what do u guys think. please i need advise

ermm madam. r u light skin and do u gots nyansh plus booobsi plus heavy thigh minus pot belly?

Mr, Cork:

ermm madam. r u light skin and do u gots nyansh plus booobsi plus heavy thigh minus pot belly?

HEY DIS IS A MARRIED WOMAN, ND I GUESS IF HER HUSBY CUMS HERE AND SEE DIS HE WILL MAKE ANODA ISSUE OUT OF IT LLOOLLZZ!!!

CRIOUSLY MA'AM U NID TO TALK TO HIM, SHOW U RE HURT, IF HE DUZN'T CONSIDER YOU DEN I'M SOWI TO SAY YA HUSBAND IS WICKED

I tink u shld av known beta b4 u tied knot bt 4rm wat u said he seems to b part of d skool of thought dat women only are to do house chores even when nt convinient,dier stil av to do house chores. I somtimes dnt blame dem cos som women wld tak wrong advantage of it and begin to misbehave. I av seen such where d wife wld tel d hubby to go nd cook or else no food 4 dat moment. But if u are nt dat type, u need to stop complaining and pray for him and stop taunting him wit oda men on hw dey treat dier wives. Its realy anoying

Madam, I suggest you take things easy, pls avoid comparison, no matter the situation. Making comparison strains relationship. There are no 2 same relationships, every relationship are unique in their various way. Keep doing your best and pray. Talk to him that he is supposed to be your helper and never share chores for him. Some day, he is going to chsnge. Best wishes.

That is what Marriage reality is about, After the wedding,the honeymoon and all the sweet sweets,you find yourself with somebody you just cant understand because their true character and habits start showing.

People fight over pressing colgate the correct way,spreading beds ,the toilet seat, the garbage very silly things which if left unattended grow up into mountains.
Its very difficult and emotionally draining trying to change a grown up.He is fully grown, and stuck with his habits,not like a child that you can easily mould,therefore we need adjust and bear with each other's weakneses unless they are life threatening.

But there's still a way you can talk him into helping you at least.You do not even have kids so I hate to imagine how worse it could get!
Talk positively and remember,men can be like kids at times.When he does one nice thing show him lots of appreciation.That may encourage him to help you out again.
One thing I urge you to never ever do is talk about other men and how they treat their wives to your husband. Ouch that hurts his ego to the core.

Even if its true be wise and remember you picked him out of them all because he was the best.

Besides never judge a book by its cover.Not 2 marriages are the same.They also have their challenges which may even be worse than yours.The grass is not always green on the other side.Its only year one.Lots of adjustments take place within the first 3 yrs.
Cheers.

it is not as if i compare him with other people, we might just be gisting and innocently will remeber what my collgues said, he will pick offence. i don't compare him cos i know its annoying. if we visit a friends house and i pointed what i like in their house his mood will just change. Next thing he will dat am compelling him to buy same thing. lol
honestly men are funny.

@op

That is his character.I may say hes a lil bit jealous but hey who isn't.If he went out and saw a beautiful lady on the street and he commented positively,will you not get offended? You will feel something however small.

And seriously, I am a woman and I will tell you frankly.Us women have a nasty habit.Instead of being direct we employ tactics like those ones you are using.
Admiring other peoples stuff and making our partners feel inferior/belittled.Infact we do it on purpose so that they can hear us. Its just an indirect way of saying'I wouldn't mind having that in my house'.True? You are already putting pressure on him no wonder he gets annoyed.

If you notice he dislikes that,it wont kill you to avoid repeating what he dislikes.I say this because you are already married and there's some things you must learn to sacrifice and let go for the sake of marriage.You do not have to always be right.

You have a long way to go these again are just teething problems.Real and greater challenges await you so the sooner you learn to deal with this small issue the better things will get for the both of you.

I will encourage you with this, You are yet to hear what others go through with for instance drunk husbands, some with even nasty habits that can drive you crazy.You will thank God and appreciate what you already have.

just wondering y ur just noticing this behavior in him now,

^^
how can you know if you have not lived together before? People do act a lot during courtship.This is manifestation of true self.

Ok, I like the replies pendo89 has given you,
like she said, no two marriages are the same, those couple you are citing as examples wld also have their own "wahalas" too--so to say.

You said if you beg him, he will do some, then you should be thankful my sister, cos there are some men that even begging will not change their mind about helping you.

Finally, always appreciate the little cores he is helping you at, after he might have finished doing them, praise him, like you are praising a small god, and appreciate him, you will see that next time, he will always want to help you even without you begging him at all.

I wish you best of luck in your marriage.

@pendo89,
thats my point. . . . i always advice couples stay 2geda for atleast 6months b4 getting married. . . so u can know how compatible u r. . . .

mammy 2:

, Imagine my husband doesn't help me in house chores, he will see me running around trying to put things in order he won't be touched to help out especially on weekends, he will just be there browsing all day.  since both of us are working class [size=14pt]and carrying the family burden together[/size] i expected him to help in little things.

I think the major problem here is the highlighted words, because you share the family burden, you believe you should share the work at home. If you stop seeing it as his responsibility  or duty and show him more love, he will definitely help you. Again make sure you don't ask him to do anything for you anytime he is browsing because his interest lies in it.

Ok, I like the replies pendo89 has given you,
like she said, no two marriages are the same, those couple you are citing as examples wld also have their own "wahalas" too--so to say.

You said if you beg him, he will do some, then you should be thankful my sister, cos there are some men that even begging will not change their mind about helping you.

Finally, always appreciate the little cores he is helping you at, after he might have finished doing them, praise him, like you are praising a small god, and appreciate him, you will see that next time, he will always want to help you even without you begging him at all.

I wish you best of luck in your marriage.




Thanks dear, i appreciate your advice.
Just that am getting tired easily these days, that's why its seems the burden is becoming too much.
personally, i expected him to know those little things to do especially now to help me, instead of telling or sending him like a baby. though i know men are babies but mine is too much.

^kpolli,

I dont think so. See,what she's facing is not unique or extraordinary behaviour.

Nobody is perfect and living together will not perfect anybody infact you will never get married if you employ this because you will keep finding fault with every other person you date. I doub if habits can be compatible.

marriage is the best place to shape you up and transform you into a better stronger individual. Iron sharpens iron you know.

Some people have been married  for 20 yrs but some men still leave socks everywhere.You just learn to overlook some little things and focus on what is major for your marriage to survive.Otherwise habits can be pretty irritating.

@ op
No your man is not too much!! Theres nothing to fuss about here.This is a very minor issue that if not handle properly can blow out of proportion.What if you had kids and hes behaving the same? well there are some who do. Its your home you can handle this dear.
Learn to be strong. I can tell you that even if he washes and cooks you will always have responsibilities as a woman that will tire you more.
Like I said talk to him nicely,dont get angry,dont compare and thank him whenever he tries to help. Dont forget what brought you two together!! Not work ok?
cheers.

@ pendo89, I would like to meet you, if you dont mind, pls send your number to my email address , clementcrownrise@gmail.com. thanks

^^^^^ egbon this is not a dating site pls. . .

pendo, i beg to differ. . . . some guys dunno the first thing about starting a family or contributing to one. . . i suggest every man stays alone first (to test his survival skills) then stay wit a companion ( to learn how to accommodate and adapt to another being). . . .

just my personal opinion . . . .

n if her husband had gone thru this, he wont be this lazy

Oh I thought you were suggesting that they live together as man and wife before marriage.

Well my advise to any single working man/lady  is

'Get out of your mummy' s/daddy's house and learn to take on responsibilities;'

Pay bills,clean your house cook for yourself etc etc.

Test yourself and see if you can handle yourself first.

precisely

@kpolli, oga, is it wrong to ask for an inteligent lady's number, ? her advice and comments have shown how inteligent she is in terms of marriage/relationship and dating, @pendo89, pls i am still expecting the number, thanks ,

in a forum on the romance section. . . . YES!

Hmmm.

Ok I will try to drop my bashing ways and speak logically.

First of all, dating and courtship is about getting to know each others strengths, weaknesses and deciding if both of you can tolerate it or you both have to take a walk. You will always know a clean and hard working man without staying with him. When ever you visit his place, he will like to wash his clothes himself as he fears that if someone else does it for him, it wont be clean. He is the type that pick grains of rice on the floor. He is also the one that would brush his carpet, clean and iron clothes etc. So if your hubby is not helping out with the house chores, you knew he was like that when you guyz were dating. If you are clean & hardworking, its stays with you. That's why you see people of 60 or 70 still entering the kitchen and doing things for themselves.

The mistake people make is thinking that you can change your partner after marriage or marriage would make them more matured or more responsible. This is not solely true. The safest thing is to marry your friend that both you understand yourselves and are willing to compromise even if you both would live in a 1 room apartment as long as you both have peace, can compromise and have a happy home.

I don't think there is much you can do except you want to start nagging just after 1 year. You have to find a way to relieve yourself of stress. If its cooking on a weekly basis rather than cooking on a daily basis, put the food in plastics and store in the freezer to warm everyday. If its cleaning the house and maintaining it for days since there is no toddler in your house. Just beg him not to scatter the house and show him where to keep things. If its for you to be a housewife and have a flexible business then do that.

Not all men are sensitive or exposed to stuffs like these. He is probably a traditionalist or a cultural man. This is even a minor issue compared to what others are going through. You should even thank God that he is not a drunk. So hang in there.

All these things should have been addressed before the I dos. This is medicine after death. I, for one like intelligent men that can cook, look after themselves and are very realistic. I don't want a perfect man or SU but a man who is liberal, understanding and simple.

Just take it cool remember you are the woman of the house.

@OP,
try sharing the duties of the house,ie. he should start cleaning and putting away his stuffs,instead of
leaving it all over the place.Talk to him about it,even if he doesn't listen at first,continue nailing about it,
he will change ,gradually.I have a friend whose hubby is also as carefree,but she
had to quit beating herself after a long time. she sat her hubby down,and they shared the task between themselves,and BINGO!

It worked.Marriage is not a one way affair,it is meant for both couple to work very hard on it.
try sharing the task.Don't scream at him about it,but do it in a way that he will see where your coming from,
and he will get to understand his duty,and that the duty is not meant for just you.

There's something married women, especially Nigerians, need to understand about their men. That you are sharing your family's financial responsibility doesn't necessarily mean that you have to share the house chores. If your husband is from a home where boys cook, wash, clean the house, then you're lucky but if your husband is not from such a home, you have two choices; 1. Live with it, praying and hoping he will change, stylishly taking him out to visit other families you admire (make sure you don't comment on anything you want him to see). or 2. Don't go into the marriage in the first place. If it's disturbing you this much pls get a maid to help you out. if you're scared of a female maid, get a male. Like other good people have already told u, Never compare your marriage with anothers'. WE HATE IT WHEN YOU DO!

Goldieluks:

@OP,
try sharing the duties of the house,ie. he should start cleaning and putting away his stuffs,instead of
leaving it all over the place.Talk to him about it,even if he doesn't listen at first,continue nailing about it,
he will change ,gradually.I have a friend whose hubby is also as carefree,but she
had to quit beating herself after a long time. she sat her hubby down,and they shared the task between themselves,and BINGO

Thank God it worked for them, what if it doesn't work in her own case. I'm not trying to take sides with the man, but you make him a child when you repeat one thing over and over. This would have been easier when they were dating cos then he was out to get her hand in marriage, but it's different now, they're married! Moreso, he's an Oga of many people. She could try talking about it, but it won't change if that was how the man was brought up

@ Poster, just do what you can do at home, do not over burden yourself with chores, i used to be that way till i figured out how to let things go, if you think your husband will help you overtime, yes, but now!!!, no, maybe when you have a child he will understand and pity you that you obviously need a help, just give him time, if you keep telling him what to do, he will feel nagged, and you don't want to do that. as far as the home is tidy, do not kill yourself with work, little here, little there, Before you know it, those things you are not doing, he will pick them up and start doing them.

This post made me smile cos the poster husband reminds me so much of my own 

I can testify that I carefully dated him and noticed that he was hardworking, knew how to cook, clean, take care of kids and stuff. He is always eager to help others, the first year of our marriage he was sometimes doing more than me in the house! But few years down the road, though he does some things at home, his share of the housechores has considerably reduced, while mine increased due to children. I used to get so mad at it, but later found it was useless. My solution was simple : first, remind myself that, if he wasn't there, I would still do most of these housechores for me and my kids. Then, I followed ronkebp's advice : no need to clean the house from top to bottom at once, a little bit everyday is a much easier way to handle it. Finally, I started involving him in the housechores "without him noticing" : i put the baby+bottle in his arms while he's watching TV, I ask him to hang the clothes while I finish cooking ("otherwise the meal will be late", little things like that, I always add up nice words and tell him thank you. Sometimes I even tease him and tell him he can't clean/cook as well as me, he takes the joke seriously and does all he can to prove me wrong,  when it's done I just sit there and tell him "since your egusi soup is soooo sweet, pls cook it again, I really want to eat some tomorrow!" 

How did his house looked when you dated him?? How many times did he cooked for you before marriage?? Did you liked MR Biggs and Burger king during courtship??

@ poster, at some point thru your thread i almost thought you are married to a monster,a bafoon. at least that's what you painted him as.

i am glad you are not complaining about finances and sex. so i take it that he satisfies you very well in those two very important areas of a marriage.

to cut thru the chase,i would just tell you to start appreciating your husband. because the way you described him, i would divorce you if i was him.
i would just throw you out of the house.

By blasting your husband on a public website/forum like nairaland, i think you expose the real content of your character.
what kind of advices can you get from posters like all the kids who tried to counsel you in matters beyond their maturity?
most of these kids here on nairaland are just d um b and foolish.they havnt been married,they have no clue about what it takes to stay in a marriage.

i have no respect for people like you,who are so quick to put their marital dirty laundry online and play victim of their own childishness.

if you really need help,talk to a counsellor,talk to his best friend,talk to his folks.

like i said,your thread shows that you are childish and disrespectful.

lol poster calm down, this is a very easy case but first off let me welcome you to married life. Sit down and enjoy the ride.

Your husband is not the only person that litters his clothes everywhere mine does, infact mine loves one blue socks of his and if he doesn't find it, he will scatter the whole place looking for it instead of taking another one. this is the same man that was so organized during courtship that even i thought i wouldn't be good enuff for him. Truth is men are babies and when they see a woman in the house, their baby nature comes out in full.

My brother was once a bachelor, this dude cooks better than me. My mum thought all her boys how to cook, his egusi and stew is to die for but guess what whenever I visited him then on school break, this dude will stop doing the housechores.

Your own better. My own me and my husband will decide to do thourough sanitation, d man will stay in d parlour and be pretending to fix light or some invisible cables throughout d day leaving me to clean 3 toilets, 4 rooms and a kitchen. Don't even get me started about washing his clothes, hmmm, there was a time I decided to teach him a lesson by soaking his clothes and traveling thinking dat he will have no choice dan wash them himself, bear in mind we have a washing machine oh, this man will pick a singlet and boxers wash for dat day and wear, I came back 3days later to find most of d clothes still soaked and d ones he washed dirty again. He won't sleep till I rock him and even when am away, he will call me so he can sleep off hearing my voice, If I travel for just a day and come back you need to see how dirty our room is, I have threatened to move to another room, he will pretend for some days and the dirt continues oh, anytime clean house is showing on style I will come and change rhe chanel, d man will be watching and making faces. Sister, am sure you knew some of this before you marry, tje truth is that its a compliment if your man behaves like a baby with you meaning he is free enuf with you to let his true self show. My husband is very self sufficient but he behaves like dat to make me feel in charge. My ex husband was very guarded about his stuff, xclothes and undies and totally unemotional. Give me a baby anyday jare.